by Jewel E. Ann
You are an undeniable, physical, eternal part of me.
But … the pain was real and the end was imminent.
It was just time to go, even if the goodbye felt impossibly unbearable.
Thank you for Henna. She gave me peace. She took the pain you couldn’t take from me.
Thank you, my dear boy, for never letting go.
Now, I need you to do me a favor. Get on a plane and go live. Live for me and live for your mom.
Live because it’s the only thing you have left to do in your life. Don’t try to rewind. Don’t try to fast forward. Honor my memory by living your best life. And whatever you do … DON’T LOSE THE GIRL!
Forever your favorite pain in the ass,
Dad
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
Henna
Two Months Later
“MY FAVORITE MEMORIES of us are on this beach.”
I turn toward my dad’s voice.
“Forgot your hat.” He sets the white, wide-brimmed hat on my head.
My lips find something like a smile to give him in return. Joy still feels foreign to my heart, but I’m trying. I stare at the foaming waves settling around our feet. “Memories …” I grunt a laugh. “Too bad we can’t be more selective with them.”
“Your mom and I were in love. The timing, our ages, the circumstances … none of it mattered. It was real. It was forever.”
I look up.
He gives me a sad smile. “Yes. I still love your mom. I will love her forever. What they say is not true—you don’t have to let go to move on.”
“Is Bethanne your moving on?”
Dad grins. “Yes, I like her … a lot. But I moved on in other ways long before Bethanne. The day your mom married Zach was a pretty official moment.”
We stand together for a few minutes, just taking in the moment.
“Did you get to say goodbye?”
I shake my head slowly. It still hurts. It will always hurt. “I waited until school was out. Then I baked cookies—the kind that only give you a sugar high.”
Dad smirks.
“Walked to his house. Knocked on the door. No answer. Did that for a week straight. His van was parked in the drive, so I just assumed he was refusing to open the door to me. But then Duke, the stable manager, told me Bodhi was gone.”
“Gone?”
I nod, taking a deep breath to soothe the emotions that are still so raw. “Gone. He said Barrett had set aside a stash of money for Bodhi, but the money could only be used for traveling, which seemed odd since Barrett asked for money for his final medication.”
“That is odd. So Bodhi is traveling?”
I shrug. “Guess so.”
“That’s different than moving. He’ll be back.”
“Maybe.” I turn back toward the ocean, soaking up the salty breeze and late day sun.
Spending the summer in California with my dad was a good idea. For the first time in my life, I don’t want to be in Colorado.
“Selling many paintings?”
“Yep. I feel like an actual grownup with a steady paycheck. Totally sucks.”
He chuckles. “How’s your back?”
“I see an acupuncturist and chiropractor on the regular. Massages weekly. Herbs. Kinesio taping. It’s actually better than it’s ever been.”
“Pot?”
I glance over at him, giving him a smirk. He’s always hated that I’ve spent so many years relying on edibles for pain relief. “No. I actually stopped when I needed it the most. But …”
My gaze finds the endless blue horizon again.
“But?”
Forcing steady breaths, I find the words without allowing the tears to take over. I’m tired of crying. “But I wanted the pain. All of it. I thought I deserved it. I knew Bodhi and Bella were in pain. I knew they wouldn’t get high to escape it, so I didn’t either. Eventually, my heart went numb, and I realized my back still hurt like hell on certain days, so Mom got me a different kind of help.”
“You’re clean?”
I grin, shaking my head. “You make medicinal marijuana sound so terrible. But yes, I’m blisslessly sober.”
“I’m not sure blisslessly is a word. You should have stayed in school.”
I grin. The real kind. It feels good. It also feels wrong. What if Bodhi hasn’t found his smile again?
He nudges my arm. My foot shifts a bit to keep my balance. “Have you called him? Texted?”
“He thinks I killed his dad. What would I even say?”
“It’s been a couple months now. He’s had time to rationalize what happened. There’s no way he still thinks you killed his father.”
“Then why hasn’t he called me?”
“Maybe he’s waiting on you to apologize.” He nudges me again, making me sidestep a few paces.
I shoot him a narrow-eyed scowl. “I can’t apologize.”
“Why?”
“Because if given the chance, knowing the outcome, I would do it again. It was the right decision.”
Dad’s eyes widen, lips part.
“What?”
He shakes his head. “I’m proud to call you my daughter. You risked something really important to you for the greater good. I know men my age who still haven’t mastered that concept.”
“Thanks.” I nudge him back. “And even if it makes me blisslessly miserable, I hope he finds a life. A real one with a wife and kids. Maybe a dog or goat to hang out with his horse.”
“Stop.” He nudges me harder.
“Dad!” I stumble into the breaking waves, my hands sinking into the sand and water crashing against me. My hat takes off on its own.
Scowling, I grab a handful of wet sand and throw it at him. It hits his knees.
“Be your age, Henna. Be pissed. Brokenhearted. Bitter. Jealous. Be Hell.” He scoops me up and walks a few feet farther into the water. Then he tosses me.
I squeal as the water engulfs me. When I break the surface, he’s wearing the biggest grin. Wasting no time, I attack him, dragging him down with me. We wrestle in the waves until we’re both out of breath. I hop on his back since it’s a bit too deep for me to keep my head above the water. Hugging his neck, I kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For respecting my feelings.”
“And how do you really feel?”
“I feel like it’s easy for Bodhi to walk away from me. He’s done it before. When I left, I had to tear myself away from him, but I didn’t do it without a goodbye. I didn’t do it without handing him a part of my heart to keep him company. I did it with tears. A kiss. And a promise of coming back. He didn’t even leave me. He just closed his eyes and …”
And they’re back.
Tears join the salty drops of ocean on my face. “He said he couldn’t look at me.”
“That’s his loss.”
“Says my dad.”
“Yes. But that doesn’t make it any less true.”
“I want him to want me. Like the epic kind of love where he comes for me. The kind where he doesn’t take no for an answer. The kind that involves begging and groveling. I want him to chase me. Need me. I want him to hold me in his arms the way I’ve held him in my heart.”
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
A month later.
“PACK A BAG. We’re celebrating your birthday in style this year.” Juni plops down on my bed.
I glance up from my canvas, dipping my brush in deep blue. “I’m good.”
She frowns. “You’re not good. You’re drab and boring.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
“You’re turning twenty-two, not fifty-two. Let’s do this.” She jumps up, tearing through the clothes in my closet.
I keep painting.
“Cute dresses and bikinis. That’s all you’ll need.”
“Sounds like shaving will be required. Not sure I’m in the mood to shave.”
Tossing clothes onto my bed, she rolls her eyes. “I already have appointments for us. Tomor
row we’re getting waxed, mani-pedis, facials … everything. Then we fly off to party on The Juniper.”
“That’s a weird name for a yacht. Don’t you think?” I smirk.
“You think The Henna would be better?”
I nod, gathering my brushes because clearly I’m done for the day. “Now that’s a solid name for a grand vessel.”
Her lips twist. “Do you want a yacht?”
Chuckling, I carry my brushes to the kitchen. “No. I don’t.”
“I feel you submitting to this.” She follows me. “I anticipated an argument. But you’re not really arguing with me. Does that mean you’re onboard with your birthday party?”
“Sure.” I sigh. “Nothing keeping me here.”
“Yes! That’s my girl. Our appointments are at nine tomorrow morning. Be packed and out front by eight.”
*
Italy
I LOVE ITALY. Of course, this is where we’re celebrating my birthday.
“Wow, you invited all your best friends to my birthday party.” I frown as we make our way to The Juniper where all of Juni’s and Zach’s friends are already sipping champagne and relaxing in the sun as ZIP’s helicopter flies in and out with more guests.
“Don’t be grumpy. You know them too.”
“I’m not grumpy. I just thought it would be the three of us.”
“What if I told you it’s just going to be you and Mario.”
“Who’s Mario? And what are you talking about?”
“Mario is that fine man over there.” She points to the smaller yacht next to The Juniper. It has high sails and a man in white with a captain’s hat. “He’s your captain.”
I stop, making the guy carrying our bags behind us nearly ram into my back. “What do you mean my captain?”
“Happy birthday, Henna.” Zach catches up to us and kisses me on the cheek before continuing toward the pier. “Your mom came up with the name,” he calls over his shoulder.
I take a few more steps to see the name on the side of the yacht.
Hell and High Water
“Oh my god … you bought me a yacht. That’s so … wrong.”
She loops her arm around mine, pulling me down the pier. “You paint and draw. You love to sail. You love the Mediterranean. A yacht was the obvious choice.”
“This is insane,” I murmur.
“Go check it out. Get settled in. There are all your favorite foods waiting for you. Meet Mario, but he’s married, so keep that in mind.” Juni winks as she stops at the gangway of The Juniper while I take reluctant steps toward my yacht.
Fucking insane. I don’t want a yacht. They don’t keep well in the Rockies. I know plenty of rich people. I can always borrow one in a pinch.
“Welcome aboard, Miss Lane. I’m your captain, Mario Garza. If you need anything just let me know. And…” He takes off his hat and gives me a slight bow “…happy birthday.”
“Thank you.” I smile, but it’s a little forced. I don’t want a captain.
As I explore the yacht, my two bags are loaded onto the vessel for me. Just as Juni said, there are all my favorite foods and drinks.
California veggie rolls. Those are a little bittersweet to see.
After I overeat, I grab an hour nap then shower and dress for my party on The Juniper before we set sail for a week of port jumping around Italy.
“Happy birthday!” Everyone cheers when I step on board wearing a short blue cocktail dress, complements of Juni and Stella McCartney.
“Nice shoes.” Juni shakes her head before sipping her champagne.
I glance down at my silver Birkies and shrug. “Hmm …are these not the ones you bought to go with the dress?”
“Funny girl.” Holding her glass out to the side, she pulls me in for a hug and kisses both of my cheeks. “You look beautiful. Always.”
I get a little teary-eyed when I see hers fill with tears.
“Darling …” Zach pulls me in for a hug. “Twenty-two years. I’m just so happy we’re celebrating another year of you.” His emotions bleed through his words. I don’t think either one of us will ever forget the day he saved me, the day he gave me a second chance at life.
“I love you,” I whisper just before he releases me. “Thank you,” I say to both of them. “I love Hell and High Water.”
Zach slides his arm around my mom. “You’re welcome. Don’t ever stop living.”
I nod, taking a glass of champagne that’s offered to me.
“Presents. There are more presents.” Juni jabs her thumb toward the front of the yacht.
“I don’t need any more presents.”
“Not from us. They’re from everyone else.”
I follow them to the front of the mammoth yacht where a crowd of people mingle around small tables, music drifting from the large speakers. Their friends shower me with celebratory hugs as I make my way to a chair surrounded by more presents.
“Crazy …” I grin at Juni. She’s still so teary-eyed. Must be hormones.
I open one elaborate gift after another, reading cards, extending heartfelt thank-you’s, and feeling loved, overwhelmed, and still a little sad and empty.
“There’s one more.” Zach stops me just as I start to stand. He hands me a small box.
“No card?”
Zach shrugs, taking a step back. I glance around. Everyone is leaving.
“What’s going on?”
“It’s a very personal gift.”
I lift an eyebrow. “Personal?” Oh my god … my mom has tears sliding down her cheeks. “Mom?”
She shakes her head, backing away from me. “It’s fine.” She smiles.
“Love you, darling.” Zach winks just before taking my mom’s hand and leading her away.
I’m alone with a personal gift as the sun sets over the beautiful blue water. I pull the gold ribbon and unwrap the blue paper that matches my dress. It’s a wood box. My fingers ghost over the smooth surface with a tree carved into it. I open the lid. It’s filled with postcards—from Bodhi.
The top one is from Helsinki, Finland.
Dear Henna,
I’m in Finland. My parents were going to travel here for their twentieth anniversary. I’m still mourning the loss of my father. The fact that I just said that means I’ll never actually mail this postcard to you.
I’m a mess. How’s that for honesty? I don’t know what happens next in my life. So, I’m taking a page from your book and just trying to “live.”
Bodhi
Gotland, Sweden
Dear Henna,
Today I hate you. The fact that I just said that means I’ll never actually mail this postcard to you. The grieving process is painful. Today I feel like blaming the world. I guess this means that I still think of you as my world. What do I do with that?
I guess I’m still a mess. Trying to live, but it still feels like I’m not really alive at all.
Bodhi
That one hurt. Today I hate you. Tears fill my eyes. I’m certain my heart is squeezing them out.
Cologne, Germany
Dear Henna,
Today I met a woman at a coffee shop. She made me smile. It felt good. I bet you don’t want to know this, so I’ll never actually mail this postcard to you. She gave me her phone number. I’m not sure if I’ll call her. If I don’t plan on staying here long, it seems pointless. But I’m supposed to be “living,” so maybe I’ll get the courage to do it.
Bodhi
As I set this one aside, I choke out a sob.
Prague, Czech Republic
Dear Henna,
Did it take you long to choose my dad over me? Were you planning on telling me? Or did it just come out when Bella and I were arguing? Did you think blaming you was going to make things right between Bella and me? I’m certain Bella will take her hatred for me to her grave.
I wish you wouldn’t have said anything. We were always a dream, but I liked that dream. You ruined that. Sorry, it’s just my truth right now. Looks like I won’t be mai
ling this postcard either.
Bodhi
I wipe my eyes and look around. It’s still just me. This feels like a very cruel birthday gift.
Budapest, Hungary
Today I miss you. It might be because I spent the day in the hotel bed. I’m not feeling so well. I think I picked up something on the plane. Your name on my skin doesn’t make it easy to forget you. Who am I kidding? You are the most unforgettable moment of my life. And that means a lot because I’ve had some very important moments in my life.
I should send this postcard to you, but at this point I don’t know if we can really ever be an “us” again.
Love, Bodhi
A new round of tears come hard and fast as I cover my hand with my mouth. Love—he signed this one Love, Bodhi.
Lake Geneva, Switzerland
Dear Henna,
Today I didn’t grieve my father. It was a truly good day. I also forgave someone for something they did that changed my life forever. It was a long time coming.
I forgave myself.
Not living my life to its fullest is not fair to my father, and it’s not fair to me. If I get the chance to be a father someday, I hope I can love my children the way my dad loved Bella and me.
I hope you’re happy.
Love, Bodhi
“Oh my god …” I whisper, looking all around as my heart pauses because the last postcard has a picture of Positano, Italy. I’m in Positano.
Positano, Italy
Dear Henna,
I forgive you for taking my heart. I forgive you for ruining me for any life that doesn’t include you.
Thank you for doing what I couldn’t do. I suppose it’s true that if you really love something, you’ll set it free. You set my dad free. You set me free.