I also pictured the lonely life that I would live without Archer. I wouldn’t be able to accept the one night stands like I had done in the past. There was no Nick; I wouldn’t go back to a cheater. For me, that would ruin my self-esteem completely. So if I gave Archer a divorce, I would be left living in my apartment, all alone, with no love, nothing. Sure, I would have the love of my best friend Kim. She would always love me. But that wasn’t the same as the love of a husband. That being said, I really didn’t think I had his love at all. Even with what he was doing now – helping me through this whole shark cage diving episode – I questioned how he felt about me. He really did make me feel safe, though. I was experiencing yet another of my maddening mood swings. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately.
Interrupting my thoughts, Archer tapped my shoulder and pointed to the right. There was a beautiful stingray coming toward us. I hadn’t known sting rays could get that big. I did a thumbs up and shook my head. The ocean was absolutely beautiful from where we were, even with the sharks that were swimming around the cage. I was in awe, and I loved this whole experience – the ocean, the people of Maui, and Archer. I realized that I might actually be in love with him. That scared me, but part of me was excited too. Honestly, I hadn’t thought that I would fall for him. I had my head on straight, or so I’d thought.
Before our trip, I’d told myself not to get too attached to him, that this wasn’t necessarily a long-term relationship. Sure, I knew he wanted to try dating and then maybe we could go back to being married later on. But now, I just wanted to skip the dating part and accept this marriage as real. That apartment appeared really lonely in my mind’s eye as I considered his option for us. I wondered if I could change his mind by telling him how I felt. I tried to imagine how the conversation might go. I would tell him, “Archer, I don’t think we should divorce.”
I knew he would ask me, “Why not?”
“Because I love you, and I think we are good together. If we could just get rid of Jasmine, I am sure you would pay attention only to me.” No, scratch that, although it was really what I would like to say. Hmm, how about, “Archer I love you, and I think we should save the money on getting a divorce and just see where we can go from here.” That sounded reasonable.
But then I thought of all the points he would be able to make back to it: “I have money; I will pay for the divorce.” Now, how could I even begin to argue that one? I couldn’t because he wanted it this way, and I didn’t. I couldn’t try the sad eyes that used to work on my mother when I was a very young child.
I sighed. I had a lot of things to think about, and really, all I wanted to do was enjoy the view of the ocean right now. So I looked up at him and smiled. He did a thumbs up to me and made a heart symbol. I wasn’t sure if he made the symbol for me or for the beauty we were viewing. I decided it had to be for the scenery, not because of me. I knew he lusted after me, but love? No way. I didn’t trust that he could have been stupid like me and fallen in love.
We heard the bell signaling they were bringing us up from the water. As we were pulled up, Archer and I talked about all of the wonderful things we had seen. “That coral reef to the left – did you see all of those wonderful and vibrant colors?” he asked.
“Yes! It was so beautiful, I wished we could have been closer to it,” I told him. I missed the scenery we had just looked at and wanted to go back down to take another look. However, our time was up, and we’d had our turn already.
“We could go snorkeling in the reefs one day,” he suggested happily.
“Was that on our list already?” I asked him.
He said something, but I couldn’t hear him over all the noise that his mother was making.
“Congratulations, Jasmine. We are so happy for you,” we both heard his mother yell, as if she was trying to get our attention.
We turned, and Jasmine smiled brightly. “Really, this is all thanks to Tom. He is the one who suggested it.”
“Who wouldn’t love a romantic beach wedding in Maui?” Tom smiled proudly by her side.
“Huh,” Archer huffed next to me, and I looked at him. As I studied how he looked at her, my heart broke. I couldn’t compete with that. He looked like he still cared for her deeply, and I wasn’t going to be the rebound girl. A rebound girl wasn’t someone you married. All it would take would be for Jasmine to snap her fingers, and he would go back to her. I pictured a happy couple, and I wasn’t one of them.
My heart felt like it had deflated in my chest. I was almost numb with sadness. I cried and drank; I had gotten pretty darn good at that on our trip. I drowned my sorrows in my bottle, talking to Jose like he was a long lost friend, and one that could be trusted with my deepest, darkest secrets. If I were smart, I would focus on other things, like how his look could also be one of disgust, if I looked at him at just the right angle. But, for some reason, my moods lately had been fluctuating, and I’d been bouncing from happy to sad and back again. I had no idea why. Maybe it was the amazing sex I’d been having since…shit, I can’t recall.
But I knew I was sore and that hadn’t all come from surfing. Although I had screamed out because as I’d taken my shower, the muscles in every section of my body had screamed out in agony. I swore off surfing for the rest of my trip. When I tried to pee a little bit later, I screamed as I sit down. Thankfully, no one heard me.
I complained to myself about Jasmine and about all of the time off I had wasted on a man who was still into his ex. At the very least, he could have been truthful with me. Perhaps if he had told me that he wanted take me on a trip to make his ex-girlfriend angry and jealous, then it wouldn’t hurt so much now. But he had promised me so much more. I wanted that; I wanted him to make me feel like I was the sexiest and hottest woman in Maui. I tried to think of the few times he had done that for me this trip. In the cage was the most recent time. He had helped me many times. Also on the surfboard, I recalled. I shouldn’t try to convince myself that he cared about me, though.
If I looked at everything that had gone on, my heart felt like Archer still had feelings for his ex, and that made it stupid for me to keep trying to convince myself that I see that look in his eye, the one that means he loves me. That was just stupid, and I shouldn’t allow myself to do it. I was only driving myself crazy and making it harder to not fall in love with him, like I knew I had already. I just didn’t know why I wanted to try to hold on to him so strongly. Oh yes, I did – it was the empty apartment and the lonely existence I would live without him. I doubted that any man would be able to make me feel so alive during sex after having experienced Archer.
But still, in the end, I considered divorce as perhaps the better option. I should cut my losses before I got hurt even more. I had to stop the emotions I felt toward him somehow. I still wanted him to do my surgery, so I had to stay civil with him. Right now, I didn’t feel very civil, though. I was a heartbroken woman, and that cut me to the core. I wanted to strike back at him and get my full revenge. What was my revenge going to be? I had no clue; I had not had enough time to think it up yet. But I was sure it was going to be something that hurt him as much as I felt now. However, I knew I needed to calm down and think clearly right now, so I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself. I not only wanted revenge on Archer, but I still had Nick to get back at. I was angry and frustrated, and I just wanted to fall down on the ground, wrap my arms around my legs, and cry.
I was able to calm down enough to make it back to our room. I told him I had something very important to talk to him about.
“Okay, so go ahead,” he said.
“No, not right now. Later. I have a really bad headache and just would love to get some sleep. Maybe when I wake up, my head won’t hurt as bad, and I’ll be able to talk at that time,” I told him, lying. I didn’t know if I would bring it up again or not. I was still fighting with my inner fear. However, I couldn’t hide behind the times I thought he was sweet.
Every time she was around, he changed, and I didn’t like tha
t. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. If I could hang onto the hurt long enough, I would be able to tell him the words: I want a divorce. But only if I could follow through on my anger and my desire to not feel like I didn’t matter to him. I hoped that my anger would hold until I could give him up. But damn, it made my heart ache just thinking about saying the words. How could I say them and really mean it? I just knew his dating offer wasn’t real now. I’d seen how he had reacted to Jasmine’s news with my own two eyes.
I couldn’t put my head in the sand and pretend any longer; I was sure there was something still between the two of them. Again, I pictured Jasmine tiring of Tom, snapping her fingers, and calling Archer to her like a dog on a leash. I felt sick thinking about it, but I couldn’t stop the picture that popped into my head. I tried to bring back the logic I’d thought up earlier. If they had been so lovey-dovey, they never would had broken up in the first place. However, the look he had given her at the announcement worried me. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or jealous. Jealousy wasn’t something I had very fond memories of; I’d been jealous of Ms. Hart and her bigger breasts and popping ass. Now, I was jealous of Jasmine and how she made Archer look at her. I hated being jealous; that meant I didn’t feel secure. The sad thing is, before I caught Nick and Ms. Hart, I hadn’t felt jealousy. It must be because I’d caught them fucking.
Looking a little closer at my feelings, I realized I wasn’t jealous of Ms. Hart. I was simply done with Nick and his cheating self, and I felt Ms. Hart was nothing of value in the world. I thought about looking for a job in another school when I got back. That way, I wouldn’t accidentally run into Nick or Ms. Hart ever again. It might be a good idea. However, Jasmine wasn’t someone I could just get another job and not see anymore. She was always with the family, according to Kelly and Mark. They said that Jasmine had been coming with them to Maui with the family since her and Archer had first dated. After they’d split, their mother had insisted that Jasmine still come along. I thought it rather odd, and not very supportive of her own son. After all, didn’t she realize how awkward it would be for Archer, being around his ex? Or maybe she knew more than I did. Maybe she knew they still cared for one another. If that was the case, bringing Jasmine along all of the time made perfect sense.
Wait. Hold up. I stopped that train of thought before it moved forward. Jasmine had her fiancé with her, and they just announced they were getting married here in Maui, so her plan couldn’t be to get Archer and Jasmine back together. Maybe it was last year, but not this year. Archer’s parents really are just assholes, I realized. I felt a bit of pity for Archer at that point. Sympathy I didn’t want to feel, though. I still wanted to be angry at him. That would help me tell him I wanted a divorce. If I pitied him, I wouldn’t go through with the divorce. Not because of any other reason than I didn’t want to hurt him. It really seemed like his parents had done enough to hurt him for years now.
14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Archer
I was pissed off; she’d done it again. She always did something to ruin my life. I couldn’t even describe how much hatred and frustration I felt toward her right now. “She isn’t even family! Why in the hell did they let her come?” I bitched to myself. I had no one else to complain too, not really. I didn’t want to bring down my siblings. Mom was out because of her closeness with Jasmine. Dad was out; he was too close to Mom.
I was so angry; I either wanted to drink or fight. My hands were my life, though. I needed them for surgery, so it looked like I was down to drinking and seething in my own juices. I’d had enough of her manipulation of my parents and our family vacation time. She had to take the spotlight everywhere she went. I really just wished she would get the hell away from our family.
It would be different if she had given an organ to someone in our family. But she was just the daughter of my mother’s friend. Sure, we’d dated for a little bit. However, it all came back to my parents. They still made her part of this family, and now, she was taking the spotlight from me. My parents should be fawning over me, not her. I was the one who should be getting all of the attention, not her. This wasn’t the first time I’d wished for Jasmine to drop the hell off the face of the Earth, and I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be the last time either. I felt as if I was trapped with my ex, constantly, in family affairs. It just seemed too weird for me to understand.
At times, I wondered if she had some sort of dirt on my parents. I knew they had opened some packages Jasmine had sent to the house for me. I recalled one very nasty letter in particular. She had sent it to my parents’ house. In it, she had called me every name in the book and had accused me of not loving her enough. After my parents read it, I’d had listen to my dad lecture me for hours on how to treat a woman. If he had only listened to me, he would have found out Jasmine wasn’t a woman, not even close to it. I considered her to be lower than an animal. I would protect a cockroach before I would help her even one more time.
I wished again that I could tell the real story to Mark, but telling him I had made a mistake? Well, I didn’t want to have to hear any kind of a lecture. I didn’t want to admit to Mark that I had been drunk and that it had all been a mistake and that I wanted to get a divorce. He would lecture me all night long. Not that I wouldn’t deserve it, mind you. But I only got to see Mark one time this year. We have no further plans to meet up until next year in Maui again. I didn’t want to ruin his vacation with my bullshit. My sister hated Jasmine, though, so maybe I could talk to her. I wouldn’t do it, though; she’s younger than me, and again, it would only ruin her vacation too. I sighed, still upset about Jasmine and how she would always behave.
I recalled a time when she was my girlfriend. I’d never considered marrying her; she wasn’t one of the exes I had ever thought about marrying. I had seen how she switched from nice to mean in an instant fairly early on in our relationship, and that had held me back from wanting her to be my wife. That and she had a habit of hurting animals; I thought those traits together made her a psychopathic personality. But I had looked past how she would hurt animals on purpose to date her. Like the time that she had thrown her brother’s cat off the second floor balcony all those years ago. I wasn’t there when it happened, but her brother was my friend. He’d told me how she had smiled when she saw the cat hadn’t landed on its feet. Now tell me, what kind of a sick person smiles at causing the death of an animal? An innocent animal, and her brother’s pet, at that? I should have known better than to ever get involved with her.
It had been her good looks and my dick that had led me into that relationship, a time in my life I like to call “Hell on Earth.” Jesus, you’re an idiot, Archer, I thought to myself, shaking my head. Jasmine could come across as a charming woman, I would give her that. She was beautiful, and that charm would pull in the men. That’s how she had hooked me. She had even tried to date Mark a long time ago during her senior year of school. Our parents had allowed us to stay home and go to a local school.
That had been when our relationships had been forged – Jasmine, and the three of us. Mark hadn’t in high school at that time; he’d been in his final year of college. Had that meant she was attracted to him because of his age? Possibly, but I think she just didn’t care who she got her claws into; she wanted to be a part of the Roman family, not just a guest. My sister had other thoughts on the situation, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. Mark had turned her down flat and told her exactly how he felt about her. I’d had the privilege of being there at the time. I wished I hadn’t, though, because I had been the idiot who had comforted her. Yes, I had taken advantage of her.
Yet the more I think about it, the more I think she may have planned it that way. She loved playing the crying damsel in distress. Jasmine was the best at that role. She’d gotten her hooks into me quickly, and I’d thought I had fallen in love with her. Now, looking back, I don’t think it was love. I felt nothing for Jasmine back then like I do for Tiffany now. I mean, when Jasmine and I
had dated, I didn’t feel my heart ache when she was gone. Hell no. Most of the time, I was thrilled to have a bit of peace. I’m telling you – she was up and down, all over the place all of the time. Nice, mean, sweet, nasty, and many other moods. She scared me at times. I remember this one time when she pulled a kitchen knife on me. I’d backed up, but she had moved forward and threatened me. I don’t remember what I’d done to piss her off, or what she wanted, but I do remember trembling in fear for my life at that moment. Why had I dated her after that? Well, honestly, that was when I had broken it off for good. I just couldn’t handle her manipulations anymore. I didn’t want to rescue the damsel anymore; I wanted her gone.
Accidentally Married Page 17