“I overheard him on the phone. He said he hated me. I couldn’t stay after learning that he was just using me. He acted like he cared about me, but he really couldn’t stand me. I think he’s exact words were ‘she’s a nasty bitch, and honestly, I wish she’d just go away.’ So…I did.” I was sobbing by the time I finished. It hurt to say his words out loud. When I had thought them internally, it had been hard enough. But saying it, that made the words tear at me and pull me into a new sobbing fit. “His ex was there, too, and I think he still loves her. He stared at her on the ship. She was in a swimsuit, and I have to admit, she’s got a nice body and bigger breasts. Did I tell you, I went to him to talk about a breast enlargement, and he told me my breasts were perfect? But he still stared at her in that swimsuit. Her ample breasts had pushed up and almost fell out a couple of times. Her suit was too tight in my opinion. But Archer – hell, most of the men at the pool – stared at her,” I said.
Kim got me a handkerchief and handed it to me. “I’m sure you must have misunderstood him.”
“Maybe, but I didn’t misunderstand him being upset about his ex’s fiancé proposing to her. They announced they were going to marry in Maui, and his face was red and he was angry. If he didn’t care about her, he wouldn’t have been upset,” I almost yelled.
“Hey, now. It does you no good getting so upset about this. I don’t know about his reaction to her proposal. However, I can tell you that men react in different ways than us. So you really should give him a chance to explain it to you,” she scolded gently.
“Why? He hates me,” I cried, sobbing harder. My stomach churned, and I ran to the bathroom. I barely made it before bits of marshmallow and some pretzels I’d had on the flight came up. I went back to Kim in the living room. She looked up at me with concern on her face.
“You should really calm down. I doubt he hates you,” she told me.
“You know, I haven’t felt well the whole trip. I think it was a sign from the universe that this was all a bad idea. The marriage, the trip, him in general. But I ignored it all, just because of how much he makes me cum,” I smiled bitterly. I would never feel his hands or lips on me again. I cried harder as the loss of the man who hated me sunk in.
“Let’s think of other things, instead. Tell me more about how you feel?”
I looked at her, confused, for a moment. “Nah, it isn’t pregnancy. I haven’t had any morning sickness.”
“Just tell me your symptoms, girl,” she ordered. I obeyed. She had used her teacher voice on me, so I couldn’t not talk.
“I’ve been tired and worn down. I feel like when I get sleep, I haven’t rested. My body aches all over…but honestly, that could be the surfing. I swear, I used muscles surfing that I never even knew existed. Do you know it hurt to sit down to pee after I surfed?” I chuckled lightly at the memory.
“I still think you need to take a pregnancy test. Just call it intuition. I have one in the bathroom. Let me get it. It’s one that you can do anytime of the day. So you pee on it, and we will see,” Kim said to me.
I shook my head. “No. I swear, that can’t be it.”
“When was the last time you had sex?” she asked me.
My mind flashed back to the other day. We had come in from surfing. Archer had told me to take a warm shower and then he was going to give me a massage. Well, one thing had led to another, and my massage had turned into an amazing round of sex. I blushed at the thought of the tongue massage he had performed on me. Archer was amazing with his tongue, and he always made me scream as he licked me to orgasm. “Um, just a few days ago,” I admitted.
“Did you use a condom?” she asked.
I perked up and said, “Yes…” before d, “but it broke.”
“Let me ask you a question – did you always use a condom? I’m pretty sure you told me in Vegas that you didn’t have time to use it at least once. So you could very well be pregnant,” she pointed out.
“I know, I know.” I held up my hands. “Just get me the damn test, and I will take it,” I said a bit angrily. I wasn’t upset at Kim but at myself. If I was pregnant, then what would I do? He would hate the child just as much as he hated me. I wasn’t one of those women who would marry a man just because I was pregnant either. Oh shit. I’m already married. I sighed. My emotions were all weighing so heavily on me. I just didn’t know what to do. Maybe I was pregnant; this was a mother of all mood swings. But while I couldn’t stop being upset, there was a small part of me that felt happy too. If, and only if, I were pregnant, at least I would always have a small part of the man I’d loved and lost.
Kim brought me the test, and I looked at the box. “You know, I am dying to know why you have a pregnancy test just sitting around,” I eyed her suspiciously.
She chuckled. “Well, you know, David and I are trying for a little girl. But even if we have another boy, I won’t care. I would just love to have a little girl to spoil. As the boys get older, I know they will migrate to their father more. He will have to teach them things like the birds and the bees and how to not miss the toilet when peeing. But with a girl, I would get to enjoy those extra things.”
“So, you are trying for baby number 3?” I asked with a genuine smile on my face.
She shook her head yes, and I gave her a hug. “I’m so happy for you, Kim. David is such a great guy, and you look so happy, you glow.”
“I think just being a mother makes one glow! Speaking of which, you are kind of glowing,” she teased.
My heart and stomach both dropped. “I don’t want to be a single mother. Hell, I don’t even want to be single. I wish he’d loved me.” I cried, and she hugged me and held me close.
After a few moments, she told me, “You know, if you are pregnant, you really have to control your stress levels. You wouldn’t want to hurt your baby.”
This sobered me up very quickly, and I nodded my head. “I know. There is just so much going on in my life right now. I feel like I’m spinning, and I can’t stop it. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore,” I admitted to her.
“I’m so sorry, Tiff. You deserve to be happy. Now, go take that test so that we can find out.” She pushed me toward the bathroom.
I had to admit to myself that I was curious. However, I also didn’t want to know if I was now responsible for the health of a child inside of me. I felt as though lately, my decisions had all been bad. How in the hell could I raise a child? I hated doubting myself this way, but I couldn’t help it. Archer’s words of hatred still ran inside of my head. The fact that he didn’t want me wouldn’t escape me. He wouldn’t want our baby either. I ached for a child that I didn’t even know if I had inside of me. I shook my head. I had to find out, or it would drive me crazy.
But first, I sat and thought, Do I want a child? I couldn’t get an abortion; I didn’t believe in them. I did love Archer – I had to, or what I had heard him say wouldn’t have hurt me this much. It was a quick slap in the face for me to realize that I had fallen in love with him over such a short period of time.
There were so many things I loved about him. He could be so sweet and kind. However, the way he’d looked at Jasmine – that had bothered me. It had always looked like he wanted her back. Those looks had made me feel unimportant and insignificant to him. I couldn’t hate him back, though. Even if I were stuck with his child, although I don’t know that I would think of a pregnancy that way. No, I would be more of the type of woman who would be thrilled to have a part of him in some way. I had to wonder if my mental stability was cracking.
I finally opened the box and pulled out the test. I laughed, thinking about how Kim had just had it sitting around her house. It was like I was meant to come visit her, and we would find out the news together. I peed on the stick and then turned it over so I couldn’t watch as the results came up.
“Kim, come here,” I yelled. I wanted her to be beside me when the time came to see the results.
“You know, I didn’t have a single day of morning sickness
with my second baby. So just because you haven’t had it…” she began.
“I know. My mother always told me that she had heard the rumor about no morning sickness. But with us six kids, she was never lucky enough to not have it. I remember her telling me about how she got so sick with each of us. It was the worst experience of her life, more so than any flu she’d ever had. At least with the flu, the sickness only lasted a few days. Her morning sickness lasted at least five to seven months with each of us kids,” I told her.
“Wow. That wouldn’t be fun at all.” She shook her head. “Time to see the results.”
I handed her the stick. “Here, you look. I can’t; I am way too nervous.” I handed her the stick.
She waited a moment, and I looked at her. “Well, are you going to tell me?”
“Congratulations, mommy.” She smiled, and I hugged her. The fact was, I was ecstatic to have a child, Archer’s child, growing inside of me. But I didn’t know whether to be excited or depressed. I made enough to support myself on my salary, but with a child, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to afford everything that I would need. I could add the child to my insurance at work, that wouldn’t be a problem. However, I feared for my unborn child and how stable I would be. At least I had 9 months to come to terms with being single. If Archer hadn’t wanted me before, then I was sure he wouldn’t want me and a child. I tried to not let that thought depress me, but it was kind of hard.
“So, are you happy?” Kim asked me. I had sat there with a stunned look on my face too long, and I think she was worried about me.
“I don’t know, honestly. There is a big part of me that has always wanted a child, but only when I was ready. I am not ready now. I am single, and I won’t be able to offer my child a male role model. I don’t want him to just hang around any male. Plus, I’ve always wanted the little house with the white picket fence, a husband who cherished me, and our three little children,” I explained.
“Yeah. Me, too. It is kind of funny that we both want three kids,” Kim said with a smile.
“Yes. Maybe it was one of the reasons we’ve always gotten along so well. We are a lot alike. Well, except you have your dream, and you are living it right now,” I said. I wasn’t jealous of her, though. I was happy for her; she deserved it.
“I still think you may have misunderstood him. You know, unless you can hear all sides of a conversation, you don’t really know what is going on in it. Remember the telephone game where you tell the first person something, and they tell the next person, and so on?” she asked me.
“Yeah, I remember playing it before,” I said.
“Look how messed up the messages get in the loop. From start to finish, have you ever heard the right saying at the end?” she asked me.
“No, but it was just him on the phone, and I know what I heard on his side,” I reminded her.
“Again, you should really have allowed him to explain it to you. But pregnancy does make us overreact at times, so you have that,” Kim said.
“So you think I got it all wrong?” I asked her.
“Yes, I think you may have.”
I didn’t want to give myself any hope. I loved Kim, and I knew she was trying to make me feel better. But I had been there, and I had heard the conversation. He’d said what I had heard, “I hate her. I just want her to go away.” That couldn’t be misconstrued as far as I was concerned.
“I heard it, though. Word for word,” I told her.
“He could have been….I don’t know. In the end, all I’m trying to do is calm you down so you will not hurt the baby. You have another person to consider now in your life,” she reminded me.
“I know, I know. But I don’t want to give myself false hope, either, and think that Archer still wants me. How devastating would my crash be then? I don’t know. I just know that for me, it isn’t worth the chance of hoping for something that I am pretty sure will never happy. I think the odds of you being right in this are even less likely than me hitting the lottery. If I ever played, that is,” I said to her.
“I know. I’m not going to try to talk you into believing that anymore. But just remember that you have me and David, and we will help you out as much as we can.” She gave me a hug.
“I appreciate that. I’m just trying to decide whether I should tell him about the child or just have it and raise it on my own. Plus, I’m thinking of leaving the school and finding a job in another school. Somewhere I don’t know people, and I can make up a story. Tell them my husband died, and I found out I was pregnant after he passed. That way, I wouldn’t run into Nick or, hell, Archer. You know, he lives in town too. His office is just a couple of miles away from us,” I told Kim.
“Well, I can see your point, but I don’t like the idea.”
“You have your own family, and if you have another child, you will have even less time to hang out with me,” I complained.
“You’ll have a child too,” she reminded me.
I sighed loudly. “Yeah, I know. I just don’t know if I want to be here anymore, though. There are a lot of bad memories in Phoenix for me.”
“Won’t you miss your family?”
“Yeah, but I can keep in touch with them via the computer. Plus, you know my grandma. She’s old school. She’ll think I’m a slut for having a child when I’m all alone. I really don’t want to have to deal with that crap too. Running into Nick at school when I’m pregnant wouldn’t be fun either. How in the hell would I explain it? And to my kids in class?” I fretted as so many issues came to mind. So many things I didn’t want to think about dealing with. I was seriously leaning toward leaving at least Phoenix, if not the whole state of Arizona.
I had grown up in this area, though, and I would be moving from a lot of friends. Although as I thought about it more, I had lost touch with a lot of them over the years. “I don’t think it would be that hard to do, but I would miss you so much.”
“Can you not move right away? I would love to spend some time with you before you go. Plus, it will give me more time to convince you to stay,” Kim requested.
“Well, I’m going to resign from my position at the school on Monday. I just can’t go back there. I can’t face everyone as I get fatter. They will all judge me, and I know I would say something if anyone told me I was a bad person. Especially if it was Nick. I would most likely punch him in the face if he tried that shit with me,” I told her.
“Yeah. I still can’t believe you caught him and Ms. Hart in the supply closet. How awkward was that?” she asked me.
“Well, like I said, I made no noise. I don’t think any noise would have come out even if I’d tried. I was so shocked; I almost convinced myself I hadn’t seen a thing. But it was burned into my memory. Him pumping his little dick into her pussy. His ass, white as a ghost, hanging out, with his pants down to his ankles. I do have to admit, I was impressed by her flexibility, though. She had one foot up on the shelf and was wide open for him. Eww. I’ve gotta stop thinking about it, or I’ll get sick again,” I told her, and it took a minute before I felt the nausea subside finally.
Kim laughed. “I’m so sorry; I can’t help it. Your description makes it sound like you stood in the supply closet with them and watched for a while.”
“Oh god, NO! I may be a lot of things, but I am not a voyeur. I don’t like watching other people have sex; I only enjoy having sex.” I laughed.
“Yeah, me too.” She laughed as well.
I finally started to feel a bit more confident that I would be able to survive without Archer in my life. I had a little bundle of joy growing in my body, and it was a part of both of us.
“I think you shouldn’t tell him about it if you plan on moving. He may try to fight you for custody later on if you do,” Kim stated, going back to my question about whether or not to inform Archer of my pregnancy with his child.
“I don’t know. I would feel bad about that. I could tell him about the baby and that I would like him to be a part of its life. I would rather do that, so
he or she could get to know its real father. That might help to avoid some mental issues later on in life,” I stated.
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