“Not only did he let his donor escape, he succumbed easily to a beating.” Nodin steepled his fingers together and looked down on Donovan. “And then he waited for a new donor to choose him instead of taking one like a true predator would.”
“Eliminate him,” Edmund said.
“He is a brute,” Delia said. “He brings excitement to the competition.”
“What do you have to say about your disappointing performance, Donovan?” Nodin said. Chaz gestured that Donovan should step forward to answer.
“I let myself get distracted,” Donovan said. “It won’t happen again.”
“We must not let it happen again,” Edmund said. “Eliminate him.”
“Which explains how your original donor got away,” Delia said. “But we are asking about your failed attempts to secure a new donor.”
“I don’t know,” Donovan said. “The fucking asshole kicked me in the face when I wasn’t looking. I think I’m a little off. I still completed the challenge. That should count for something.”
“The woman virtually completed the challenge for him,” Edmund said.
“We decide what will count,” Nodin said. “Step back.”
“That one plays with her food,” Vlad said, leering at Lola.
“Yes,” Delia said. “One can enjoy oneself on multiple levels.” Vlad’s fangs slid out. Chaz hoped he was only experiencing one level of excitement. “That lesson is one others would do well to learn.”
All eyes turned to Portia, who flushed. “She did carry on,” Nodin said.
“She did,” Delia admitted, “but not without first making a point of displaying her prudishness.”
“She finished early,” Nodin said.
“Not significantly early.” Edmund scowled. “What do you like about that one? There is clearly something.”
“Portia, step forward,” Chaz said.
“Why were you so alarmed by the signs of your donor’s arousal?” Delia asked.
“I’m not a prude,” Portia said. “It was just inappropriate. And when I engage in not being a prude, it should be consensual. Also, I was under the impression things of a sexual nature were not considered appropriate for the show.”
“It is a gray area,” Delia said. “Nudity is not permitted, but your donor was fully clothed.”
“She is much like my mother,” Vlad said. “I would have her.”
“Have her, have her?” Chaz said. This was the kind of unfortunate kink that gave vampires a bad name.
“My mother was beautiful and very skilled.” Delia reached out and flicked Vlad’s arm. Vlad stopped reminiscing about his mother. Portia looked like she was ready to follow Francis’s example.
“She has standards,” Nodin said. “Which is perhaps something to be appreciated.”
“We should appreciate the one who threw himself into the face of death in order to complete the challenge,” Delia said. Brett felt himself flush with pleasure. Or perhaps, he was still affected by the peanuts.
“You are giving him credit he does not warrant,” Edmund said. “He had no idea of his peril.”
“He may have,” Nodin said. “Ask him.”
Edmund glowered at the suggestion he should speak directly to a human.
“Brett, did you feel yourself reacting to the allergens in your donor?” Chaz was going to demand more money next season.
Brett cleared his throat. He was able to speak, but his voice was scratchy and his breath shallow. “I could feel my throat getting tight almost as soon as I started my minute. But I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t know about the peanut butter. If I had, I would have assumed the effect would be diluted, you know, second-hand reaction and all. But I think I would have gone for it no matter what. I want to win this challenge. There’s nothing to lose by going for it, right?”
“Profound,” Edmund said. “How lucky we are this intellectual giant did not slip from our midst.”
“See?” Chaz smiled at Brett. “Edmund agrees completely.” Edmund hissed.
“He coped well,” Delia said. “You too were once human. You have forgotten what it is like to struggle for bravery under the burden of frailty.”
“I have forgotten nothing,” Edmund said.
“He won the challenge,” Delia said.
“Moving on,” Chaz said. “Emily was the second contestant to complete the challenge and the first to drink for a full minute. Thoughts on her performance.”
“I see some of myself in that one,” Vlad said. “A quiet determination and strength.” Emily forced a smile. “You will do what you need to do, I see it. All who stand against you will suffer.”
“Let us focus on the challenge at hand,” Delia said. “The girl can contemplate the merits of roasting versus impaling her enemies at another time.”
“Both is best,” Vlad offered.
“She did well,” Nodin said. “Very precise. Obviously, she has studied. But there are many who study us who we would not deem suitable companions for eternity. One must have a certain joie de vivre to master the art of being undead.”
“Do you believe you have joy for life, Emily?” Delia tilted her head as though Emily were an odd specimen in need of dissection.
“Yes,” Emily said. “Of course.” She was here, wasn’t she? Ready to give up her life to have it forever. If that didn’t mean she was full of joie de vivre, what did?
“And Ollie did well,” Delia said. “You were both adept and resolute. Congratulations.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Ollie said. Chaz snorted.
“Now for Celeste,” Nodin said. “Step forward.”
Celeste stepped forward and peeked up at the judges from under her lashes.
“Celeste,” Delia said. “We do not eat the flesh.”
“Like zombies do,” Vlad said.
“We do not eat flesh as though we were mythical zombies,” Delia agreed. “Your enthusiasm does you credit. Your sloppiness does not.”
“Another unfortunate human quality,” Edmund said. “Shared by this mole eater and the one who nearly vomited.”
Nodin feigned surprise. “Not all of them?”
“Of course, all of them,” Edmund said.
“You might as well step forward too,” Chaz said to Stewart.
“’Nearly’ is another way of saying ‘did not,’” Delia said. “But it was not impressive. Of course, Stewart could not help finding the taste was objectionable, but there was no need for such drama.”
Stewart opened his mouth to defend himself, but Delia forestalled him with an upraised hand. “We are finished with you.”
“Celeste and Stewart, step back,” Chaz said.
“I didn’t eat it,” Celeste said under her breath as she stepped back. All the vampires heard, but none of them acknowledged her.
Chaz looked at Delia. The judges conferred silently.
“We would do well to eliminate Lola and Stewart,” Delia said.
“No,” Edmund said. “The cowardly brute must go. And the flesh eater. Or we could eliminate four.”
“We will eliminate two,” Nodin said.
“We’re stuck with Donovan for the time being,” Delia said. “I totally get that we all hate him, but his presence fills a need.”
“The audience hates him as well,” Edmund said.
“Is that you caring what humans think?” Delia wondered.
“I agree we must keep Donovan,” Nodin said. “However, can we agree the mole eater should go?”
“Yes,” Delia said.
“Yes,” Edmund said.
“What is a mole eater?” Vlad asked. “I say, eliminate the prude.”
“We all agree on Celeste,” Delia said. “Which male shall we eliminate?”
“If not the brute, then the simpering vampire lover,” Edmund said.
“He won the challenge,” Nodin objected.
“That leaves only the father or the farm boy,” Delia said.
“The farm boy smiles too much,” Edmund said, feeling terrible
about it. “I will not consent to look at his face for eternity.”
“You are not obligated to spend time with the winner,” Delia said.
“We might cross paths,” Edmund said. “He has too much joie de vivre.”
“Fine,” Nodin said. “Let it be those two.”
The band eased into Mandy by Barry Manilow.
“Chaz,” Nodin said aloud. “Announce the eliminated.”
With a bit of flare, Chaz complied. “The judges have eliminated Ollie and Celeste. Never fear, audience. I’m sure you’ll get it right eventually.”
Those not eliminated avoided looking at those who were. Donovan was trying to wipe the tears off his face without being caught by a camera, but it was impossible to avoid them all. The vampire girls came to take everyone away.
“That was a lot of excitement,” Chaz said. “The remaining contestants and your two newest losers will be heading back to the Manor to make their confessionals and hang out for your viewing pleasure. We’ll see you soon for more Friends and Family and the fourth challenge!”
“That seemed pretty random,” Marv said to his roommate. Marv had never seen Creature of the Night, so the whole thing seemed pretty random, but he never turned down an invitation from Ginger to hang out. Marv had hopes.
“Yeah, they just pick the ones they like,” Ginger told him. “But, they seem to like the crazy ones. That’s how they ended up with the girl who totally went on a blood-sucking rampage after they turned her.”
“Hey, the creepy judge keeps mentioning zombies,” Marv said. “Do you think they’re real too?”
“Yeah. And so are goblins, werewolves, and Tinkerbell,” Ginger said. “Don’t be so stupid.”
Confessional: Donovan
“I just want to say I’m sorry. Tara, I think I miss you, and I might have been a dick. You’ll be better off without me; I hope you know that. If you don’t, ask your mother. She’ll tell you. I’m not giving up. I can’t. But if I do win, I’ll be coming home. Just to say goodbye. I still don’t want to be married anymore, but I could have said it better. Know what’s funny? I don’t know if I'm weak or finally doing the right thing. It’s hard to care right now. That little fuck almost, well, he fucked me up pretty good. You can see that.
“The woman donor reminded me of you a little before we were married. Except fatter. Maybe not fatter than you are now, but…never mind. Maybe I won’t come back at all; that might be better for everybody, a clean break. This is my moment of weakness, I guess. It’s time to man the fuck up. This challenge, the whole thing just shocked the shit out of me. It’s harder than it looks, sucking blood right out of someone’s neck. The cup thing was easier. It was gross when you thought about it, but other than that, no problem. Biting through someone’s skin, feeling their pulse beating against your face, it’s fucking freaky. Fucking vampires. I just want to live forever. I don’t want to get old.
“The way my dad died was fucked up. Pissing himself and drooling and not even fucking together enough to know he was doing it. Am I such an asshole for not wanting to go out like that?”
Confessional: Emily
“Finally, a challenge turned out to be easier than I thought it would. The trick is to find a good vein before you start, no indiscriminate nibbling. That’s my advice to the younger generation. No indiscriminate nibbling. Let me counter the awfulness of that advice with the advice to read every day. There. Right now, I’m a bit disgruntled because I should have won the challenge hands down. No muss, no fuss. If not for that ridiculous fainting clause I’d have left everyone else in the dust without spilling a drop. And I get fucking voted off for not being sexy? At least the judges don’t abide by you idiots watching. I know these thoughts are pointless. I’m still here, and that’s what I need to think about. Just a reaction to the stress, I suppose.
“In other news, I remind Vlad of Vlad. I’m not sure what exactly that says about me, but I am pretty sure it isn’t something I would be inclined to brag about. What I want to know now is who turns the winner?”
Donovan wandered around the house until he found Ollie in the theater.
“How’s it going, man?” Ollie asked. He wasn’t watching a movie. He had been sitting in the dark, bleeding joie de vivre until Donovan hit the lights.
Donovan sneered. He was unaccustomed to sincere inquiries regarding the state of his being. “Good as can be expected. How are you doing?”
“Just got eliminated, and I’m not sure why,” Ollie said. Ollie didn’t want to seem bitter, but he was sure it would have been more just to eliminate the guy who lost his donor.
“I think I miss my wife,” Donovan told him. “I’m not sure why either. About my wife or you. What movies do they have?”
“Oh, you know, there’s Salem’s Lot, Return to Salem’s Lot—not sure why anyone would return, but they’re still brighter bulbs than we are. They’ve got Lost Boys, Blade through Blade Infinity, Daybreakers; you’re getting the idea. No Dracula though, which seems weird. I don’t understand what I did wrong,” Ollie added. He was wondering if Donovan would confess to some bribe or blackmail that had kept him in the running.
“Stop looking at me, or I’m going to kick your ass,” Donovan told him.
On a good day, maybe. Donovan was in no shape to kick anyone’s ass right now. Still, Ollie said, “Sorry. Why do you miss your wife? I thought you hated her.”
“That woman in the audience,” Donovan said.
“The one who sacrificed herself to you after you lost your original donor?” Ollie’s usual need to consider how his words would affect others had deserted him.
The muscle in Donovan’s jaw clenched, and he let out a slow breath before answering. “Yeah, that one,” he said. “She reminded me of Tara. How she used to be.”
Ollie quickly understood that extended time with Donovan would bring anyone down. “So what?” Ollie said.
“Nothing.”
“Want to watch Dusk ’til Dawn?”
“Salma Hayek?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
Confessional: Lola
“That was fucking hot! When I win this, I’m going to drink and fuck all day long. Well, all night long because that’s how I’ll be rolling. I haven’t had a dry hump like that since I was thirteen. When I was drinking, I kept imagining his blood mixing with mine like I was taking his life and channeling it, so it turned into my life. Fucking amazing. I’ve never felt so good. And it has to be like a million times better once you’re changed. I think my donor was a little freaked out at first. But I am Lola, Creature of the Night, and I seduced him and made him my eager victim. I can’t wait to find out what’s next.
“And for the record, I could have won, I could have been first, but I think style is more important than speed. That uptight bitch Emily might as well have used a scalpel. Not sexy at all and the audience picked up on that. Everybody else knows vampires are sexy. Look at Chaz for god’s sake. Gorgeous. And Delia is too. Edmund is sexy even though he hates us. No, that’s wrong. It’s because he hates us. I’d totally let him hate fuck me. And Nodin is like Clark Kent without the glasses. Okay, so Vlad isn’t sexy. Unless you think about all the stuff he’s done, then he starts looking kind of hot. I bet he’s into some absolutely freaky shit. So, I guess that makes him ugly sexy. We could always turn off the lights.”
Confessional: Stewart
“At least I didn’t throw up. It was close though. That guy tasted like armpit and garbage. The fair thing would have been to make sure all the donors tasted the same, but fuck them. I’m still here. Halfway through and I’m still in the running. How’s that kids? You little bastards. I hope you’re enjoying the show. Necks are tougher than you’d think. I always thought of the neck as a vulnerable place on the body, but it wasn’t easy to get through. Maybe it is vulnerable in comparison. Maybe if it had been a thigh, I’d still be out there chewing. At least my guy didn’t escape. That shit with Donovan was intense. It was really good to see that guy�
�s ridiculously large ego take a blow. Not that I want anyone else to suffer, but I’ve been feeling this whole time I could never beat the big guy, and now, maybe, I can. Maybe I can beat them all. Maybe I’m the next Creature. Am I smiling? It feels like I’m smiling. That’s because I can suddenly picture it.”
Madeline was in the sauna with a wedge of Brie and a box of sesame crackers. The steam dampened the crackers and made the cheese sweat, rendering her snack patently undesirable, but it had been time for a break from her duties.
There were far too many people crying around the house, needing her tea and sympathy and Madeline was putting her foot down and taking some time for her. She would be no good to any of her charges if she didn’t take care of herself.
She lifted a Brie smeared cracker toward her mouth and began to weep when it crumbled to the floor.
“Okay, what the hell is wrong with the one eating crackers in the closet?” Marv was looking from Ginger to the TV with sincere alarm. Ginger thought he looked like Lassie and wondered if she could get him to fetch her one more hard cider.
“It’s not a closet; it’s the sauna,” Ginger said. “Like a steam room.”
“That’s so not the issue,” Marv told her, thinking Ginger was lucky she was hot.
Confessional: Ollie
“I’ve never felt so low, but that’s not something to focus on, is it? I still feel sure everyone has their path. I thought I’d found mine, but I guess now it’s something different. Something I haven’t thought of yet. I don’t want to hate anyone over this. Donovan, I just don’t feel like he still deserves to be here, but it wasn’t my call. And he seems like a decent guy. And truthfully, they can take this place and shove it. That’s not sour grapes. It’s just not for me. I’m not saying I didn’t want it to be; it just means I’ve changed since this thing started.”
Confessional: Brett
“Thanks, everybody, for your support. I’m feeling better. I’m not sure if I was more afraid of dying or being eliminated from the show. It’s like peanuts are my kryptonite, but it’s worse because they’re fucking peanuts. It sounds kind of lame, but it’s really serious. As you all saw. If I win, after I’m changed, I’m going to eat a peanut butter sandwich just because I can. I kept going though, even when I could feel myself starting to react. Which kind of makes me proud. Maybe I shouldn’t say I’m proud of myself, but fuck it. I am. That Lola chick is insanely hot. I can see her being a dominatrix or something, whipping guys for money all the livelong day. I’d let her whip me, and I’m not even into that shit. I would have come all over myself if she’d been riding me like she was riding her donor, even with my pants on. I bet he did too. Yeah, I’m feeling better.”
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