She wrapped her arms around her pulled-up knees and gave me an expectant look. “Speaking of Aiden, when are you going to see him again?”
I nibbled on the end of my own biscuit and avoided her eyes. “I’m not.”
Rosie’s mouth fell open. “But why? You love him.”
My cheeks warmed as I once again remembered the feelings that had filled my heart after I’d eaten a truth cake, feelings that were both beautiful and frightening at once. “I don’t love him.”
She sighed. “Fine, you’re in the process of falling in love with him, but how can you continue if you never see him again?”
“I don’t want to see him again.”
She rolled her eyes. “Why wouldn’t you want—”
“He’s betrothed to another woman.”
Her hands flew to her mouth. She stared at me in disbelief, eyes wide and glassy, before a strangled sob escaped through her fingers. “Oh Eileen…really?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yes. The fact that he was involved with me at the same time shows what kind of man he is: one I could never be with, even if I was determined to get in a relationship, which as you well know I’m not.”
Rosie bit her lip as she rested her hand over mine, her expression soft with sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Eileen.”
For a moment we sat in silence, Rosie with her forehead furrowed and me trying and failing to ignore the pain tightening my heart.
Rosie’s expression set in determination. “Engagements are easily broken, especially if he feels more for you than he does for her. You need to fight for him and your happily ever after.”
My heart fluttered in hope before I forced myself to once again quench it. “I can’t.”
“Eileen.” Rosie scooted closer, expression fierce. “True love comes once in a lifetime. How can you allow him to slip away now that you’ve found him?”
I sighed. “Oh Rosie, please just let it go.”
“I won’t. From what you’ve told me, you two seem far too perfect for one another for you to give up now. We need to come up with a plan for you to thwart—”
“I won’t interfere with his engagement,” I said firmly. “Even if I managed it and he became engaged to me”—I tried and failed to ignore the way my treacherous heart lifted at the thought—“it would be foolish to enter an agreement with a man who doesn’t take his romantic commitments seriously.”
Rosie snapped her mouth shut, for once at a loss for anything to say. But naturally, she couldn’t remain silenced for long. “Then why did the Forest lead you to one another?”
I didn’t care to decipher the hidden motives of an enchanted bunch of trees and their mischievous pathways. “It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’ve paid my last day of payment to the man it led me to and am now determined to never see him again.”
“Even though you want to?”
I tightened my jaw and didn’t answer. The horrified look that filled Rosie’s face was as if I’d just announced I’d decided to carve out my heart and live my life without it. I tried to ignore the feelings sneaking past my careful barriers telling me that I may well be doing exactly that.
Rosie sighed and rolled her eyes towards the ceiling, as if appealing for divine assistance on how to deal with stubborn me. Then, as if she’d received an answer, her attention focused on my sketchbook. My heart jolted as I predicted her plan. I made to grab it, but she snatched it before I could and rapidly turned the pages, smirking in triumph when she found what she was seeking.
“Ah-ha: proof you’re not willing to completely let him go yet.” She tipped the book to showcase Aiden’s portrait, which I’d drawn as I’d lingered near the Forest and fought its lure to step within the trees, unable to handle meeting Aiden again should that be where the Forest’s paths took me. Yet my determination to forget him hadn’t prevented me from drawing him.
It was my finest work. His face was expressionless yet possessed a hidden gentleness, found in the slight curve of his mouth and the dimple in his firm chin. My favorite part of the drawing was his eyes. I’d worked hard to capture the darkness and depth in them, particularly the way they guarded his emotions like sentries protecting a fortress.
Rosie’s own eyes widened appreciatively as she hungrily took in Aiden’s portrait. “Oh my, he’s utterly adorable.” She raised her gaze to mine with a knowing smile. “You need to fight for him.”
Her words made another attack on my heart. Even if Aiden cared for me, I wasn’t remarkable enough for him to throw away a prestigious arrangement for. I crossed my arms, as if the gesture would better protect me from the emotions washing over me at seeing Aiden’s portrait again. But they didn’t. Instead, my throat closed up and my eyes burned. I bit my lip so hard it bled.
“Please let it go,” I pleaded. “Even if he weren’t engaged and Father’s abandonment wasn’t holding me back, we’re of differing stations. His family would never allow such a match. It could never work.” The disappointment of my own admission clawed at my heart.
“True love has no such silly obstacles,” Rosie said. “It’s splendid how you’ve captured the heart of a noble, just like a real life fairy tale.”
All desire to cry evaporated as my anger flared. “Life isn’t a fairy tale, Rosie. You need to stop living in your fantasy worlds and finally realize that. Imagining otherwise is too painful.”
Her expression crumpled and she lowered her eyes. Remorse for hurting her filled me, while the truth of the emotions I’d fought so hard to ignore once again threatened to drown me.
Rosie cast me frequent disapproving looks throughout the remainder of our sleepover, scrutiny I tried and failed to ignore. It was a relief to finally hug her goodbye following breakfast the next morning. The moment I closed the door behind her, Mother approached.
“May I talk with you, dear?”
I rested my forehead against the door to brace myself for her unwanted interrogation before turning to face her. Worry lined her brow and concern filled her eyes. Whatever her reason for initiating a heart-to-heart chat, it likely wouldn’t be pleasant. I forced myself to smile anyway, hoping it would mask the nerves already tightening my stomach.
“What is it?”
She tipped her head towards the settee and I obediently sat, perching myself on the very edge. I tried to keep my hands still but found myself anxiously bunching the fabric of my dress. Mother rested her hand on top of mine, her blue-grey eyes piercing.
“Are you in a relationship?”
The denial I ached to give lodged in my throat. I swallowed several times before slowly shaking my head. It wasn’t even a lie; Aiden and I weren’t in a relationship—not the way Mother meant, anyway.
Mother frowned, disappointment filling her eyes. “There are many wonderful young men in Arador. None have caught your fancy?”
“None.” That at least I could be completely honest about. “You know I avoid the boys in the village.”
She sighed wearily. “I’ve noticed. It saddens me that you’re not even looking for love.”
“I don’t want it.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Why not?”
I bit my lip. I couldn’t bring up Father to her, not after I’d watched her painstakingly attempt over the years to heal the wounds his leaving had caused, wounds impossible to be made whole unless Father returned. But he wouldn’t. I’d long since given up hoping he would, given up on both him and any man in my future. It was easier and far less painful this way…although this previously firm resolve was becoming increasingly more difficult to cling to the longer I missed Aiden.
Mother was still waiting for an answer I didn’t want to give, one I couldn’t without hurting her. I shrugged instead, hoping to appear nonchalant. “I’m simply uninterested in romance.”
“Really? All romance?” She gave me a look that was a bit too knowing, revealing she’d detected my lie in the uncanny way only a mother could, as if she alone had the keys to access the locked-away secrets of
my soul.
I gnawed at my lip. “Of course.”
“Then who’s Aiden?”
My heart fluttered at the sound of his name. His face and all the wonderful memories we’d forged together immediately bombarded my mind, despite my determination not to think of him. Forcing myself to stay away was difficult enough already.
“He’s no one. Just…a friend.”
“A friend?”
“Well…” I twirled a loose strand of my dark hair around my finger and avoided her eyes. “A good friend.” But I wouldn’t admit more than that. I couldn’t.
“I see.”
Mother fell silent, during which I felt her silent pleadings for me to confide in her. I kept my gaze resolutely in my lap, afraid of the emotion I’d discover filling her eyes if I looked up, one I was certain would unravel me completely.
“Eileen?” Mother’s gentle voice finally forced my gaze to meet hers, one full of sad understanding, just as I’d feared it’d be. “I heard your conversation with Rosie last night.”
I released the pent-up breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. “You did?”
“Yes. I know you’ve been meeting a man named Aiden that you’ve grown to care for, yet you’re choosing to turn away from him.”
“He’s no one. He’s just…” absolutely wonderful.
Mother squeezed my hand. “He’s not just anyone. Such light wouldn’t be in your eyes if he were.” She furrowed her brow in thought. “I’m not sure I know any boys named Aiden. Is he someone from the village?”
“Not exactly. I met him in the Forest—”
Mother gasped sharply, her gaze lowering to the now-healed cut scarring my throat. “Is he the same man who gave you that cut?”
I ached to deny it, but it was impossible to keep anything from Mother. “Yes, but it was an accident; he never meant to harm me. The problem is he’s a nobleman, a man far above my station. It could never work between us.”
There were so many other things I wanted to share about Aiden that I didn’t dare. My thoughts drifted to each moment he’d made me smile, and the barriers around my heart faltered. My exposed feelings must have shown on my face, for Mother’s entire expression softened.
“Oh, Eileen.” She gently cradled my cheek. “He’s become special to you, hasn’t he?”
I shook my head but I knew the gesture was pointless, as I was certain Mother could read the truth in my eyes.
“If you care for him, why are you turning away?”
“Because he’s engaged.” I blinked back the tears burning my eyes. “But even if he weren’t, I couldn’t be with him. Love is too painful. Finding out Aiden is engaged has only proven it.”
She sighed. “Even if your Aiden is unavailable, please don’t give up on all love. I know your father hurt you deeply when he left, but you can’t allow his choices to affect your future.”
“I need to. How can I know that any man I choose won’t be just like Father? He shattered my trust in men when he left, and it’s impossible to reclaim.”
Mother stroked my cheek. “I loved your father. I still do. I cherish every moment we had together, not to mention our union brought you, the light of my life.” She squeezed my hand again. “Even knowing what I know now, I would still choose him, over and over again.”
“But he left.”
She winced, and instantly remorse for my biting words filled me.
“I’m sorry,” I said hastily.
Mother squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. “I don’t understand why he never returned, but I know your father. Something must have happened. There could have been an accident—”
“It doesn’t matter what happened,” I said. “Loving him has caused us nothing but pain.”
“I can’t deny how difficult it’s been, but loving him has caused far more joy. Giving your heart isn’t without risk, but it’s the most beautiful experience you could ever imagine. I’d hate for you to miss such an incredible experience. I can tell how special your Aiden is to you by the way you talked of him last night, and I can see how much pain choosing to stay away is causing you now.”
I ached to deny it, but I was tired of lying, of fighting these emotions. It was exhausting. I crumpled in defeat. “Isn’t the pain I’m feeling now less than if I choose him and he breaks my heart?”
“I’m not sure where your own romance will lead, but you won’t know unless you take the risk. I promise it’ll be worth it. Please don’t allow your past pain or your father’s choices deprive you of any future joy. Take a leap of faith.”
She kissed my brow, and after one final squeeze of my hand she stood to begin cleaning up from breakfast. Rather than join her, I sat frozen, awash in her words—words that caused doubts about my previously firm decision, making me feel lost and confused.
Which path did one take when they had no idea where they wanted to go?
Chapter 11
The trees were whispering to me, their beckoning becoming more and more insistent with each passing day. And it wasn’t just them; I felt my heart constantly tugging me towards the Forest, pleading for me to step inside and to allow the paths to lead me where it yearned to be.
Weeks had passed since I’d last seen Aiden, but it felt like several lifetimes. I didn’t understand the Forest’s motives for continuing to guide us to one another when Aiden was betrothed to another woman, but I knew if given the opportunity it would do so once more. Aiden had seemed so certain our paths would cross again in the future; with his influence over the Forest, I knew he had the power to make it happen, but only if I stepped into the Forest.
No matter how many twists and turns the Forest used to try to dissuade me from my predetermined path, nothing would sway me, yet it was becoming increasingly difficult to continue to resist doing so. The longer I was away from Aiden, the more agonizing our separation became, until it had become nearly as painful as when Father had abandoned me.
I embraced an oak at the Forest’s border as I peered into the shadowy greenery of the trees. No paths appeared; that only happened if I stepped into the woods, and I was still deliberating whether or not I should.
But the lure gently pulling on my heart finally won out. I readjusted my bag that contained my sketchbook and drawing supplies, took a deep breath, and stepped within the cool, pine-scented woods.
A path immediately unfolded before me. Whatever lay at the end of this particular path, I hoped Aiden would be there waiting for me. I picked my way along as it twisted and turned, weaving around trunks and through thick undergrowth. After several minutes, I ducked beneath a low-hanging branch and frowned as the path stopped abruptly. I slowly looked around. The Forest had led me nowhere in particular, and Aiden wasn’t anywhere in sight.
I sighed, fighting against the disappointment prickling my heart, and settled on a log to sketch. I quickly grew restless. Normally, an afternoon of drawing while enfolded by the tranquil stillness of the woods would have satisfied me, but I now yearned for more; I ached for Aiden more than the trees.
I couldn’t concentrate on my drawing. My once faithful muse had become too slippery and fleeting. I abandoned the log to lie on my stomach and propped my sketchbook against a tree, hoping a different vantage point would encourage my creativity. When this new position failed to make drawing any easier, I began mindlessly turning the pages of my sketchbook until I reached Aiden’s portrait. My heart leapt as I stared at him, my fingers tracing his face over and over while my mind swirled with the memory of his dark, soulful gaze seeping into mine and his endearing, lopsided grin.
Around me, the air gradually grew cooler and what had started out as a pleasant breeze became a biting wind. My tracing hand froze as thunder rumbled. I gnawed at my lip and looked up at the sky peeking through the Forest’s branches. Thick grey clouds were gathering and the air smelled of approaching rain.
I quickly gathered my art supplies and shoved them into my satchel, my stomach twisting into knots. Would I make it home before the
storm hit? I’d no sooner scrambled to my feet when it started to rain. I ran for the cover of the trees, but the budding branches above did little to provide shelter.
I waited, shivering, for the Forest to show me the path I should take. One slowly quivered into view, as if reluctant to be of assistance. I took it without question. Although I trusted the Forest to lead me home, its familiar pull was now absent, as if whatever enchantment had breathed life into the trees had vanished.
After several minutes of brisk walking, lightning flashed across the sky, briefly illuminating the path before me. I stumbled to a stop, my breath catching. The pathway that I’d been walking had disappeared. I frantically looked around, struggling to see through the thick rain. Nothing. Panic clawed at my heart. Darkness and shadows made it impossible for me to determine the correct direction. If there wasn’t a path, how would I ever find my way out?
The rain picked up, pelting me in heavy sheets and soaking me to the bone. I shivered and forced myself to press on, trudging through the mud. Through the tumult of rain blurring my vision, I continued to search for a path. Still nothing. I glanced up at the trees, seeking aid, but they were uncannily still, as if the entire Forest had fallen asleep, leaving me to my own devices.
The storm raged on. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been wandering—-with the thick clouds blocking the sun I had no measure of time—but with the increasingly suffocating darkness, I knew it was nearing night.
Suddenly, the pathways stirred from whatever slumber had kept them so still and unhelpful. A path finally appeared, wriggling and shifting. I slogged down the muddy path snaking through the trees, branches scratching my flesh. Whenever I considered venturing off course, the trees closed in around me, narrowing the path and leaving me no choice but to take the one it desired.
The road widened. I squinted through the thick rain and caught a glimpse of the Forest’s border, where I knew home lay just beyond. I managed a cold grin and quickened my pace. Soon I’d be within the comforting walls of my cottage, sheltered from the biting wind and in front of the warm hearth.
Pathways (The Kingdom Chronicles Book 1) Page 11