Ellie stared at him. She was aware of her heart beating in her ears. Was it faster than usual? ‘What exactly are you trying to tell me?’
‘It’s you, Ellie.’
‘I’m what?’
‘I can’t stop thinking about you. All the time. It feels so different than it did with Gemma that I don’t know what it means. I don’t know whether it means I’m in love with you and I never was with her or the other way around.’
Ellie sat back. Tears burned at the back of her eyes. ‘Well that’s comforting,’ she snapped. ‘Why are you telling me this? I can’t help you decide who you want and I don’t see why I should just fall into your arms if you do decide it’s me.’
‘I’m not explaining myself very well. I didn’t mean to offend you.’
Ellie opened her mouth to reply, but then closed it again.
He gave a shaky laugh. ‘Aren’t you going to say something? Anything?’
‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Say you think it’s going to be OK.’
Her voice softened. She wanted to say that, more than anything. But it would be a lie. ‘I can’t. Because I’m not sure it will be.’
‘But you like me too? I thought… when we were together that time I thought…’
‘Oh God, Ben, you’d have to be blind to miss it. Of course I do. But you’re engaged.’
He stared at her. ‘What?’
‘You asked Gemma to marry you. Why would you do that if you didn’t know how you felt?’
He shook his head. ‘I did what? Where did you hear that?’
‘How can it matter who told me?’ Ellie said, struggling to keep her voice level. ‘All that matters is you did.’
‘I didn’t!’
Ellie stopped dead, the next sentence stuck in her throat.
‘I haven’t asked Gemma to marry me,’ Ben repeated.
‘But she told me…’
‘She told you that? When?’
‘She came to see me in hospital.’
Ben’s jaw twitched. He seemed to be grinding his teeth as he stared out beyond the snug to where the barman was wiping down the counter. ‘She never said she’d been to see you,’ he said finally.
‘So… you’re not getting married?’
‘Ellie… you have to believe that I would never do something that stupid. I don’t even know if I love her anymore; why would I propose?’
‘But you’re sure of your feelings for me?’ Ellie said quietly, holding him now in a steady gaze. She waited, breath held, almost afraid of his answer. What if he said no? Even worse, what if he said yes? How could she give herself to a man who changed like the direction of wheat blown by the wind? Even if he thought he loved her now, how could she be certain that wouldn’t change? How could she know that years down the road, she would not find herself alone, just like Hazel? He went to the ends of the earth to get Gemma back and now he was ready to throw their relationship away without a backwards glance. How could she give her heart to a man like this?
‘I… yes. I think so.’
In his dark eyes she could see the scars of all he had ever lost. Love was there too – intense, painful, unmistakeable love – and all her doubts of his intentions dissipated. She had never wanted him more than she did right now. She could kiss all that pain away and she would love every moment. She could keep him safe, be his warm lamp. It would be too easy to let it happen. But that didn’t make it right. Hate was a strong word but it was pretty close to what she felt about Gemma right now, especially if Ben was telling the truth and she had made up the whole proposal. But didn’t that simply mean that Gemma loved Ben too – despite what it looked like – so much that she was willing to go to any lengths to keep him? And if that were true, then how could Ellie look at herself in the mirror again if she stole him away?
He reached across for her hand. Ellie tugged it from his grasp, the tears she had been fighting squeezing their way out.
‘But what about Constance Street, the campaign…’
‘I thought it was important at the time. I know you probably think I made myself look a complete idiot. I thought I loved Gemma but… now I think I was in love with the idea of being in love with Gemma. And then it all got out of hand – all the publicity and the interest – until it became this huge runaway cart that kept getting faster and faster and then I couldn’t get off, even if I wanted to. Does that make any sense?’
Ellie shook her head slowly. ‘I suppose so. But it doesn’t change anything. What will it look like to the world if you dump Gemma now and start a relationship with me?’
‘I don’t care about that. I already look like a tit in front of the world so what do I care what it thinks of me? All that matters is what’s in my heart. And what’s in my heart, filling it completely, is you.’
Ellie sighed. A few weeks ago she would have given anything to hear him say that. But she was learning that she couldn’t always have what she wanted. ‘What would it do to Gemma to have that sort of public humiliation?’ she asked gently.
He was quiet for a moment, the pain and guilt evident in every line of his face. ‘I didn’t mean for this to happen. But you can’t help who you fall in love with.’
‘You said that to me once before… remember? But that time you weren’t talking about me.’
‘I know…’ He looked down and traced a ring on the table. ‘It’s all such a bloody mess.’
‘I’m sorry, Ben. You have no idea how much I wish it could be different.’
‘When I saw you get hit by that car, I thought…’ He rubbed a shaky hand over his hair. ‘The thought of losing you hurt more than I ever thought possible. I hadn’t realised until then just how much I needed you.’
‘Gemma needs you.’
‘I don’t think she does, not really…’
Ellie stared into the depths of her drink. ‘We can’t…’
‘That’s it? That’s your answer?’
She looked up. ‘Yes.’ She slid from the booth, afraid to look at him in case she changed her mind.
‘Please…’ Ben reached for her arm. ‘I can’t just let you go.’
‘You have to.’
Ellie left the pub before he could answer. She didn’t dare look back.
‘I don’t know what to think.’ Ellie shook her head as Patrick and Fiona watched her from across the dining table. Fiona had outdone herself with the most perfect Thai green curry but despite the exquisite aromas fragrancing the air of their dining room, Ellie wasn’t all that hungry. She had struggled valiantly to seem enthusiastic over her meal – equally, she had done her best to appear engaged in their small talk but, inevitably, the pair guessed quickly that things weren’t rosy in the Ellie Newton garden.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Ben had been to the offices,’ Patrick said.
‘It’s OK,’ Ellie sighed. ‘I know you were only looking out for me. But I do wish you had.’
‘What would you have done differently if you’d known his intentions? Would you have even agreed to meet him?’
‘I don’t know. But I suppose I would have had more time to think about it.’
‘And your answer would have been different in the end?’ Fiona asked.
Ellie raked tracks through the rice on her plate with her fork. ‘I don’t know,’ she said slowly. ‘How can I be the person who causes that much heartache?’
‘I think it might be a little late for that,’ Patrick said.
‘What do you think about the proposal?’ Ellie asked. ‘Do you think he’s telling the truth that Gemma made it up?’
‘It seems like a very elaborate scheme if he’s not.’
‘But can I trust him?’
‘How can you trust anyone?’ Fiona said. Patrick raised his eyebrows and she smiled sweetly at him. ‘You know what I mean. No matter how well you think you know someone, you never truly do. And it doesn’t matter how two people feel about each other in the here and now, because nothing in life is certain either. Even for us, h
usband dearest.’
‘It’s comforting to know that my future with you is so solid,’ Patrick laughed.
‘As long as you stop leaving the toilet seat up I’ll keep you for a while. At least until you’re old and even greyer than you are now; then I’m afraid I’ll be on the lookout for a younger model.’ Fiona gave him a dazzling smile before taking a gulp of her wine.
‘That’s not enough for me,’ Ellie said. ‘I can’t build a relationship on that.’
‘Then you’ll be alone forever,’ Fiona replied, the smile gone. ‘Nobody can say that they’ll never end up alone. Isn’t it better to grab a slice of happiness while it’s on offer than to turn your back on the whole cake?’
‘It’s not that simple.’
‘Yes it is.’ Fiona filled Ellie’s wine glass. ‘It really is.’
‘So…’ Ellie replied, ‘you would have said yes to Ben. Despite the risks, you would have said yes?’
Fiona glanced at Patrick. He gave an encouraging nod. She turned back to Ellie, who was watching them carefully and wondering what plan they were cooking up.
‘Did Patrick ever tell you about how we got together?’
Ellie shook her head as she shot her friend a questioning look. He smiled slightly.
‘When I was nineteen I met this boy…’ Fiona filled her own glass before continuing. ‘He was gorgeous. I remember seeing him down at the outside pool, all lithe and limber in his swim shorts. He looked my way and I melted. Needless to say I did my utmost to make sure I made an impact and by the end of the afternoon he had my phone number. We dated for two years. I was head over heels and when he asked me to marry him, I said yes – no hesitation. His name was Mark…’ She paused. ‘You thought I was going to say Patrick, didn’t you?’
Ellie smiled. ‘I sort of guessed. You’re going to tell me that sadly Mark wasn’t the one, but after him you met Patrick and everything is now lovely.’
‘Almost. But Mark was the one… even when Patrick came to cover a story at the rest home I was working in. He was cute, this photographer, and he was persistent. But I was engaged and in love with someone else.’ She reached for her husband’s hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘However, my cheeky photographer kept turning up. One lunch break he took me for coffee and before I knew it, we were kissing. I went home with my head in a whirl. I loved Mark, but this was something new… I can’t explain it but being with Patrick felt right too. I didn’t know what to do. It carried on for months. I let Mark believe that we had a future together because I didn’t want to hurt him. But I was falling for Patrick hard too and no matter how many times I thought about breaking it off with him, when I saw him I couldn’t.’
‘And you knew about Mark?’ Ellie asked Patrick.
He nodded. ‘Judge me if you like but I did. I’m not proud, but I was crazy about Fiona and I just hoped she would pick me in the end. It was all I could do.’
‘Mark had a right to know,’ Ellie insisted, a trace of disbelief in her tone. She had thought she knew Patrick, his morals and standards, and had always judged him and Fiona to be two of the most upstanding, considerate people she had ever met. Right now, they were blowing her beliefs about them out of the water. It was just another in a long list of beliefs being blown away of late. The idea made Ellie distinctly uncomfortable. One minute you know exactly how the little world you have constructed around you works, the next, it’s like a parallel universe has opened up in its place.
‘He did,’ Patrick agreed.
‘What we’re trying to say,’ Fiona cut in, ‘is that love isn’t clear cut and sometimes it isn’t kind.’
‘I know all that,’ Ellie replied, unable to hide the irritation that crept into her voice. ‘I’m not a kid.’
‘Nobody said you were. But sometimes things that seem so wrong when they begin turn out to be absolutely right. I can’t imagine now being in love with anyone but Patrick, despite how I believed I felt about Mark.’
‘You should have told Mark as soon as you had doubts.’
‘Yes, I should. But I didn’t. People get things wrong, Ellie. All the time. It doesn’t mean they’re bad or cruel, just human.’
‘You think I should give Ben a chance?’
‘That’s up to you.’
‘But how can I do this without hurting someone?’
‘You can’t – not really. But you have to accept that someone will get hurt no matter what you do and learn to live with the consequences of whatever choice you make.’
Ellie let the fork drop and pushed her plate away, staring at the opposite wall miserably.
Patrick glanced at Fiona before he spoke. ‘Ellie…’ he began carefully, ‘I don’t want to overstep the mark, but perhaps you should meet him again for another chat, now that you’ve had time to think things over. When I told him to leave you alone, perhaps I should have kept my nose out after all. See, I still get things wrong all the time.’
‘I could get this very wrong.’
‘You could.’ Patrick leaned forwards across the table. ‘I can’t say I’m right or wrong, and I don’t have the kind of intuition that women are always boasting about…’ He threw a sideways glance at Fiona, who slapped his arm playfully. ‘But I saw something in his eyes whenever he looked at you. And I recognise that look because I’ve given enough of them in my time, mostly to my wife. I don’t think he’ll ever be happy if he thinks he’s lost you and I don’t think any relationship with Gemma would survive now anyway.’
‘Don’t forget,’ Fiona added, ‘he has a hell of a lot to lose too. Coming to you like that, he’s put at risk everything he worked so hard to get back and more besides. He and Gemma are now high profile and people are watching them. He must know the stick he’d get if he did leave her for you, and yet he was still willing to follow his heart and do that. Ellie, I’m with Patrick – I think he’s genuine and I think it’s you he needs.’
‘I know all that…’ Ellie chewed her nail for a moment as she stared into her wine glass. ‘It doesn’t make things any easier to work out though.’
Sixteen
‘You be careful… don’t carry that!’ Frank raced over and grabbed the box from Ellie.
‘Dad, stop stressing. It’s not heavy.’
‘That’s not the point. If your lung gets another hole it’ll be my fault.’
Ellie giggled. ‘The doctor said I should avoid bungee jumping and long haul flights for a while. Unless you tie an elastic band around my feet and hurl me from a jumbo jet I should be OK.’
‘It’s not funny,’ Frank chided.
‘Sorry, but it is a little bit.’
Ellie’s dad frowned, but then he broke into a small smile. ‘If you end up back in hospital your mum will kill me.’
‘She should have come over to help then.’
‘Steady on! It’s a miracle me and my out-of-tune banjo are being let back into the house; I don’t want to push it.’
‘It’s about time if you ask me.’
He narrowed his eyes. ‘Does your mum know you’re helping me to pack?’
‘Not exactly… but I thought someone ought to.’
‘You’re a bad girl, Ellie Newton.’
‘What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,’ Ellie laughed as she reached up to kiss him on the cheek. ‘I’m so glad you two worked it out.’
‘I don’t think it was anything I did. I suspect your aunt should take the credit.’
‘She wrote mum a letter?’
He put down the box and stared at her. ‘I have no idea. Your mum just said it was because of Hazel that she was taking me back. I don’t know what she did or said but whatever it was, I’m in her debt.’ He bent for the box again. ‘I’ll just take this out to the car.’
Ellie watched him go with a smile. Her parents had finally worked out a fragile truce, but it was a truce at least. Things would soon be as they should be. On top of that, work was going well and Jethro seemed to have forgotten all about their little transgression since he had fallen madly in
love with Claudia, so things between her and her two best friends were back to normal. Ellie was more relieved at that outcome than she could say. Even though the loss of Hazel was still raw, there had been closure with the funeral and time had begun to dull the pain of grief. Ellie hadn’t felt this contented in a long time, but it was tempered by a sadness that she couldn’t seem to shake, no matter how positive she tried to be for the future. The fear that she had let her one chance of true happiness slip through her fingers continued to nag her. But Ben had not tried to contact her again since their last meeting in the pub. Ellie had to assume that he had given up.
Frank came back in rubbing his hands together. ‘It’s lovely out there but still a bit nippy in the shade. Shouldn’t be long before the weather warms up though.’ He peered at Ellie more closely. ‘Are you alright?’
Ellie shook herself and smiled. ‘Of course I am.’
‘You looked a million miles away.’
‘I was just wondering how a flat with hardly any furniture in it can still take so long to pack up.’
‘I’m not this rubbish naturally, you know, it takes years of practise.’
Ellie grinned and handed him a roll of newspaper-wrapped cutlery, which he tucked into a nearby box. ‘Come on, we’ll be here all weekend if we don’t get a move on.’
Ellie padded through to her bedroom, rubbing her hair dry as she did. Despite pretending to her dad that she was well enough to help him, the day had exhausted her more than she cared to admit and her chest ached now too. As soon as she had reached home she had run herself a hot bath and spent a good half hour soaking and mulling over the things she and her dad had talked about. There was the money Hazel had bequeathed to her; Ellie’s dad had given her a long and detailed list of financial options which she had stopped listening to after thirty seconds, only nodding sagely whenever he drew breath. Ellie had then offered some towards repaying her parents’ second mortgage and had received a new lecture from her horrified father that she wasn’t to go around offering her money to all and sundry when she needed it to secure her future. She had thought about pointing out that her dad should have taken his own financial advice back when he had re-mortgaged his home to go on a huge holiday but decided that he had her best interests at heart and she was just too pleased that her parents were finally making things up to be annoyed at his well-intentioned but misguided counsel. He’d even asked her about her love life and she’d lied through her teeth and told him she was far too busy at work to think about a relationship with anyone. He’d kissed the top of her head and told her that he worried about her and she deserved the very best man and he hoped she would find him soon.
Worth Waiting For: A heart-warming and feel-good romantic comedy Page 24