She is tiny. Cute, in a boyish way.
That’s Bianca, my old girlfriend.
See what I mean? Nothing like you.
This is all such new ground.
Every spark of self-confidence
flickers. Did we have to run into
her ex? “Were you in love with her?”
I guess I thought so at the time.
But love is a fragile thing. Easily
broken. And what does it matter,
anyway? I want to be with you now.
She Proves It
With a kiss. Awkward at first,
because I rarely kiss with people
watching me. Yet I can’t stop.
I want this. Want her. Don’t care
who knows. I thread myself
into her arms, invite her tongue
into my mouth. Oh God, it all
feels so right, I don’t want to stop.
I want to go further. Set no limits.
Dive deeper. Explore unknown
territory. Find secret places. Climb
steeper cliffs. Higher and higher.
My heart sunbursts in my chest
and my eyes quiver open. Surely
everyone is staring right now.
But I find only one. “Bianca.”
I didn’t mean to say it out loud.
Dani smiles. Don’t worry. Better
she knows about us. Now how
’bout we find something to drink?
I’m Not Much Of A Drinker
In fact, I don’t drink at all. But
I don’t need to say so. We start
toward the breakfast bar, where
a few people are filling their cups.
Dani asks what I want. I shrug.
“Surprise me.” She reaches for
a tall bottle of rum, manages
to pour some over ice, when
a voice sharp as snipped tin
slices into us from behind.
Well, hello, Dani. I never knew
you had a thing for femmes.
Dani turns to face Bianca. Good
to see you, Bee. You know I’m
not much into stereotypes.
Guess she is femme. Pretty, too.
Wait. Stereotype? What? “Don’t
talk about me like I’m not here,
okay?” Anger flares, and as I start
to walk away, Bianca mouths, Fake.
Kendra
Fake
Is that what you are
if you choose to improve
the basic not perfect you?
Add
a cup size or two.
Puff up your lips.
Reshape your nose.
Subtract
an inch or two from
your belly, butt, and thighs.
Tighten your skin until
what’s left
behind is blotch free.
Unlined. Then, quick,
take a picture or two
of you
before it all falls apart
again and you have
to start over.
Two Days
Until my surgery. Can’t wait. Wish
I had to wait much longer. I’m nervous.
Excited. Looking forward to fixing
something wrong with me. Why couldn’t
I just be born with a perfect nose?
One thing for sure. I can’t sit here all
weekend thinking about Monday.
It being the first day of spring break,
there isn’t a lot going on to distract
me. No lessons. No competitions. Nothing.
And anyway, I’m afraid to do anything
too physical. If I got hurt, I’d have to wait
even longer for the rhinoplasty.
But if I sit here at home, there will be
a battle going on, with me at the center—
fridge (which Mom just filled) vs. mirror.
The Mirror Always Wins
But I’m sick and tired of the war.
Doesn’t help when Mom brings home
ice cream sandwiches (“light” ones,
but still…) and (reduced fat, whatever
that actually means) peanut butter.
Really, truly doesn’t help when Jenna pigs
out with one or both right in front
of me. She does it to be spiteful. Likes
watching my mouth water. Which
pisses me off, so then we fight, too.
Not up for any of that today.
There’s a new Scary Movie playing
at the Summit. I want to go. But not
alone. Jenna’s got something going on,
and even if she didn’t, she’d want to
yack down candy and fake butter popcorn.
Aubree’s at her grandparents’,
Shantell has been really weird and distant
lately. And anyway, a movie date
should be with a guy, except not someone
who will put the moves on me.
Someone like… I pick up the phone.
“Sean? I was wondering if you had
plans today. No? Well, I want to see
Scary Movie 666.…” Silence
on the other end. Then a stupid question.
“Of course I’m not setting you up.
Why would I want to do that? Look, no
strings. I just don’t want to go by
myself. Really? Awesome. There’s a two
fifteen matinee. Do you want to meet
in the lobby, say around two? Exceptional.”
In A Way
I’m surprised he said yes. Maybe
he’s sick of moping around. It hasn’t been
all that long, but Sean is used to
having someone on his arm. Wow. We do
have kind of a lot in common, don’t
we? Chill, Kendra. Remember that you
are good on your own. (Lonely.)
Strong. (When people are looking.) In control.
(Hungry. Even though my stomach
has almost forgotten how it feels to hold
food.) Size two. (Fat. Fat. Fat. Just ask
the mirror. It doesn’t know how to lie.)
Perfect. (Come on. Not surgery, not
losing ten necessary pounds, not even
implants can make me that. “Just about
perfect” will have to be good enough.)
Regardless
I dress to impress, in a very short skirt
plus leggings to keep my thighs thawed,
and a too-tight sweater that defines
my need for bigger boobs. I could maybe
go baggy on top, keep ’em guessing.
But that would make me look fat. Can’t
have that. Better to go for skinny, with
a boost from a well-padded push-up bra.
I grab my jacket, start for the door,
only for Patrick to whistle me to a stop.
Wait up. Are you going out? (Well, duh.)
Were you going to let anyone know?
Obviously not. “Sorry. Just don’t want
to be late. I’m headed out to a movie.”
Alone? What time will you be home?
It’s generally polite to ask first, you know.
“Um, Patrick. Is something going
on?” Not like he very often takes
an interest in what I’m up to. “Because
if everything’s okay, I really need to go.”
He comes closer, studies my eyes
as if he needs to find something there.
Okay, look. I’m just going to ask.
straight out. Have you been in our
medicine cabinet? Your mother is
missing some of her prescription pills.
I could get snotty, but what good
would that do? I won’t even mention
that I know t
hey’re Xanax, and that
he was the one who did the prescribing.
“Not me,” I say, and that’s the whole
truth. “If I were you, I’d talk to Jenna.”
He Is Not The Type
To confront, or want to play parent.
Still, he has more to say, if he can
just figure out how to say it. I will
definitely be talking to your sister.
I also think it’s time to call a family
meeting. Things seem to be spinning
out of control, in totally the wrong
direction. Prescriptions disappearing,
kids who take off without telling their
parents where they’re going or when
they’ll be back. And then, there’s you.
He tries to stop himself, but
he’s on a roll. Have you eaten anything
today? I’m worried about you.…
“Oh my God. Not you, too. I eat
plenty! Worry about Jenna. I’m fine!”
Anger sizzles at the base of my skull.
I try for the front door, but Patrick
stops me with a hand on my forearm.
You haven’t answered my question.
Have you had anything to eat today?
I will do an intervention if I must.
Don’t blow it. Don’t blow it. Lower
the blood pressure before you speak.
“I had some oatmeal.” It’s a flat-
out lie, but he seems to believe it.
Wants to believe it. Okay, then. But
you really should have some protein.
“I will.” Another lie. “And I promise
to eat all my veggies, too. May I go now?”
He smiles. I guess so. But I meant it about
the family meeting. Over dinner. Tonight.
I Say Fine
And he lets me out the door. I hurry
to my car before he changes his mind.
My hands shake against the steering
wheel, from lingering anger and also
because Patrick happened to be
right. I haven’t eaten anything today.
I reach into the glove box. Grab
a diet protein bar, take two bites. Three.
Half the bar should satisfy my
stomach growl and keep me thinking
straight. I put the rest in my pocket
to nosh on while everyone else is eating
Skittles and sucking on Slurpees.
By the time I reach the theater, the shakes
have stopped too. I park. Buy a ticket.
Go inside to wait for Sean, feeling great.
Unbelievably
In through the door walks Conner,
surrounded by a group of people
I’ve never seen before. He’s with
a kind of cute guy, a rude-looking girl,
a twentysomething woman, and one
who is older than that, all dressed up in
business-type clothes. They head
straight for the bathrooms. Conner, who
hasn’t seen me, waits outside the doors
for the rest of them. My heart tumbles
into my mostly empty stomach. I have
to say something. Like what? That I hate
him for what he did? That I still
love him, and always will? Oh God.
I go over, wanting to touch him, but
afraid if I do he’ll disappear. And out of
my mouth spills, “Hey, Conner.
I heard you tried to die. That right?”
Hello, Kendra. He turns on one heel
to face me. Stiff as a fresh corpse—
and why did I have to think that? Guess
I did. Next time I’ll have to try harder.
I can feel my face turn white.
“Don’t say that! Believe it or not,
a few people care about you.
One or two of us even love you.”
His eyes cloud with… disbelief?
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.
“There’s Sean. Gotta go. Hope to see
you again soon, Conner. Give me a call,
if you want to. I’m a good listener.”
I turn my back as he joins his friends.
Sean
Back Turned
You
don’t have to look at
what you’ve left behind.
And the person who first
turned their back on you
can’t
watch you break down
and cry. Never allow
an enemy to
see
weakness in you.
Go for the throat.
Shoot for the groin.
Don’t let your loss
yesterday
redefine who you are.
Fight the good fight.
Today is your day to win.
Fighting Depression
Is hard when you have no
real reason to fight it. Why
pretend everything is fine
when everything pretty
much sucks? Two weeks
since the blowup with Cara,
you’d think I’d accept it.
Move on. But all I do when
I’m alone is think about
the good times with her.
I’ve tried to talk to her. Tried
to figure out exactly when
everything went to hell. It
wasn’t the night we had sex.
It started before. I can see
that now. But what started
it? The more I try to figure
that out, the more frustrated
I become. I work out, to keep
my frustration in check.
But once I’m done, anger
beaten down by reps upon
reps, I am muscle sore
and heart-emptied. I have
no one to talk to about it.
Okay, I did a fair amount
of screaming on Facebook.
Heat of the moment is all.
What good did it do, except
to make me feel validated
for a little while? One thing
I learned. Cara’s so-called
friends aren’t really friends
at all. The only one who
had nothing awful to say
about her was Kendra. Not
that she exactly stood up
for her, but at least she
didn’t trash her. I’ve got
to respect her for that.
Her Call Surprised Me
But, hey, I was just sitting
here, alone in the vacuum
that is my room. Getting
out for a while sounds
good. Anyway, Kendra
is pretty cute, if a little on
the skinny side. Going to
the movies with her, no
strings attached, might
Band-Aid my injured ego.
And maybe word will get
back to Cara. Wouldn’t
that be fun? She would
be upset, wouldn’t she?
’Cause if I found out she’s
been seeing some guy behind
my back, I would have to take
matters into my own hands.
And it definitely wouldn’t be
pretty for that guy. Or for her.
I Get To The Theater
A few minutes after two.
Through the big glass
doors, I can see Kendra,
talking to some guy.…
Holy shit. It’s Conner.
By the time I get my ticket
and go inside, he has hooked
up with some strange people,
including one majorly hot
lady, who looks to be about
thirty-five. Damn that Conner.
Not only does he have a thing
for older women, they seem
to have a thing for him. At least,
that one does. She takes his arm,
leads him away. Whispers
something into his ear that
makes him laugh. But I have
to say, he looks uncomfortable.
Maybe because of Kendra.
She wanders up, all weird and
shaky. Hey. Thanks for coming.
Guess you saw who I was
talking to. He looks better,
right? She sways a little, and
I think I might have to catch
her. “I suppose. But since
he was, like, bleeding out
when he went to the hospital,
he’d almost have to look
better. Come to think of it,
though, he looked well
enough to be back in school.
Why isn’t he? And who were
those people he was with?”
I don’t know. She sighs. But
I’m not sure which question
she doesn’t have the answer
to. The movie’s going to start.
Do you want some popcorn?
Does That Mean She’s Buying?
I’m kind of afraid to joke
with her, so I won’t ask.
She’s sad, seeing Conner.
I guess I understand.
I would be sad, seeing Cara
right now. Especially if
she was having fun with
other people. Unfamiliar
people. Especially a new
guy. God, I’ve got to stop
beating myself up inside
my head. And I don’t
suppose I should mention
the older woman thing.
Conner wouldn’t be out
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