It turned out that people around me had also noticed it. Some of my colleagues at work teased me about my “new boyfriend” and every time I heard anything about it, something made my stomach curl up. However, I preferred not to overthink it – something completely unusual about me, given the fact that whatever happened to me in my life I would always analyze it thoroughly, consider all the pros and cons, all the points of view and all the sides, so that in the end I could be certain about a rational choice. This was valid for everything. This man made me change my habits without me realizing it, he made me relax. He made me go with the flow and stop constantly rowing to change the direction. I just let myself flow with pleasure, not chasing certain goals.
I hadn’t seen him for more than a week since we were at the village together that weekend, but we wrote to each other non-stop. The moment I woke up I already had a message, before going to sleep at night too. I don’t know why it didn’t seem strange to me, I never even gave it any thought until once at lunch with Daniel, when he provoked me to think about it. We had agreed to catch up over lunch, since we hadn’t had the time – me with MyMegan’s official launch, him with his hotel project. I loved having lunch with Danny, I always had so much fun and always found out all the details about our mutual friends. Danny was a fast, easy and convenient source of information. This time, though, either he didn’t know enough because of the lack of free time, or I was too distracted, laughing all throughout the lunch at Phillip’s joke texts about Danny, which were just too good. Suddenly I realized Daniel had stopped talking (extremely untypical of him) and was scrutinizing me. That’s it, scrutinizing. He observed me closely and followed every expression on my face, every gesture, every smile.
I have had my fair share of boyfriends. All throughout my conscious life I have had relationships and there have only been a few periods when I was without a man next to me. But often these relationships remained a secret for most of my clique. My close friends were like family to me and for me to introduce a man I was with was too big a step. After all, I did consciously avoid intimacy, and the type of relations where I go out with the man next to me and my friends meant I was admitting to everybody, and most of all to myself, that this was the man I had chosen to be with at that moment. To have a relationship with. To go out with. To have fun with. Yes, this was too big a step. And I rarely took it. It’s not a coincidence that all my relationships were so carefully chosen, so that it would suit the other person too. Be it because I wasn’t the only one in his life, or because he worked too much to notice we didn’t have a normal relationship, or simply because he himself had the same defective brain as me. The same box. The same restricting behavior. Or perhaps men simply didn’t think so much about this, they were after completely different things and this type of relationship was perfect for them. They had a woman who didn’t want anything from them, didn’t push them, didn’t set ultimatums, someone they just spent their time with in an easy and pleasant way.
I don’t know when relationships with a perspective became a problem for me. Suddenly I looked back and realized that none of my relationships had any perspective. Don’t get me wrong. I have loved. I have burned and have given my all in my relationships. But I was so dedicated to my workaholism that I never had the time to ask myself the pure female questions like: “Could he be the one?” “Would I start a family with him?” “What about kids?” I worked a lot, I had so little free time. Ever since I was little, up until not long ago. In the beginning I used to spend this free time in partying, which exhausted me even more and such questions were even more distant to me. Later on parties became unattractive and more often I spent what little free time I had with my friends or in the company of a man I took something from, something specific which I needed at that moment. Such a long time passed. Only when I got away from the whirlpool I had got myself into, only when I allowed myself the well-deserved break and traveled around the world, communicating with different people in different situations – only then did I understand how confused I was.
Yes, in some well-hidden corner of my conscience I have always understood that the relationships I have are not normal. I have always realized that I did not announce my relationships on purpose, that I even hid them from my dearest people, fooling myself that this was just another type of relationship, slightly different from the regular ones. Often, in front of myself and my friends, I brought up the excuse that the man I was with at the moment wasn’t worthy of meeting them or that I was with him only for a little and it was pointless. But when I started traveling around the world, when I met all these different cultures and started communicating with different men, men with different value systems and different attitudes towards women, I understood how afraid I was of real intimacy with a man. I asked myself numerous times how that fear had appeared and why. Was it because of my family or because of previous experience with men, because of old relationships? I searched and searched, in order to be able to eliminate that feeling in the specific situation. But the more I introspected, the more questions I found, not answers. There were men in my life I could talk to about this, and they were ready to walk with me even just a little of the path I had started on. There were also others, who freaked out at the perspective of taking on a burden like that – to really share, with an open heart and a will to help, such a profound experience. But actually, it wasn’t even important to me whether there was anybody with me on this road. I was important. The more I went in that direction, the more I realized I could do it. And I realized that it wasn’t even that important for me to know where my fears came from, or when and how they began. What was important was that I thought about the situation I was in at the time.
It was important to take on the responsibility for everything that happened to me – both good and bad – in life. And to admit that I am the reason for the good and the bad things. It was important to be grateful for the things I had and not focus on what I didn’t have but wanted. It was important to accept my fears, to admit them first and foremost to myself, to admit all my weaknesses and stand confident in the face of the next situation in life, the next relationship. To start it, knowing I could overcome the barriers and build something important, real and valuable.
I believed in this and I had thought about it numerous times, just to check whether my conscience wouldn’t take me along a different way. But every time I got to this point. Sometimes quicker, sometimes slower, misled by somebody else’s opinion or advice. But every time I allowed myself to be alone with myself and to look inwards, to listen to my inner voice, every single time I got to this point. A strong confidence that I could make this step, I could have close relations with the man I chose. And yes, I would have difficulties, I would have to pass tests to see whether I’d learnt my lesson.
But the only thing I had to do when I got to this crossroads was to trust myself, my intuition and the confidence that I already knew the direction. Without burdening myself with boxes and labels like “FEAR”, “PROBLEM” or “BARRIER”. Instead, I had to enjoy everything I had in my everyday life, everything I stood before with desire.
At every stage of my life where I left myself to these beliefs and strengthened my faith in them, I felt this was the right path I should follow. I felt it with all of myself, in the ease with which my life went by then. I felt it in the positive attitude I had when facing challenges and problems, I felt it in the harmony that my body and soul were in. A harmony of desires, feelings, thoughts and actions.
Of course, for the other people around me, even for my family and closest friends, this was a weird choice. Often they would try find me a boyfriend from our closer or more distant friends – someone they already knew and it would be weird for us not to go out together. Often they would also try to provoke me in various ways, so I would see the mistakes I made, the things I missed out on in life. But just like in work and their huge desire to show me how much I was inclined to be a workaholic, here too they failed miserably. I was stubborn in my beliefs.
And the only person who could change my intentions was me. And everything comes in its own time and place. Yet another cliché. The teacher doesn’t come before the student is ready. Whatever my family and my friends told me, I had to go down this road myself and learn the lessons from my mistakes alone. I’m not sorry about anything, because now I’m stronger and more confident in my knowledge, and I wouldn’t be if I simply agreed with somebody else’s opinion or advice, even if it came from the people closest to me.
That’s why I wasn’t surprised when Daniel abruptly interrupted my thoughts:
‘You’re in love! You’re in love in a very, very different way. You’re in so deep. Finally. I’m interested what excuse you’ll come up with this time, just to reject the possibility of being with someone for real.’
‘Hahaha, first of all – I’m not in love. I have a new acquaintance and we just entertain each other. Nothing more. Trust me, I know my emotions well. And second – even if I were, why would you think I’d be looking for an excuse for anything. I’m ready to look love in the eye.’
‘Wow, hold up, hold up, what did I just hear? Megs, what is this change, how come you speak openly about love? Not sex or simply a relationship, but love. I can’t believe it. Those must be some interesting new acquaintances you’ve got if they extend boundaries so fast, ones we couldn’t budge even a millimeter for so many years.’
‘You all, and especially you, Danny, never had the right approach. What kind of a person initiates an auction for his friend, as if she were a cow?’
‘Desperate times call for desperate measures. I was facing a critical situation.’
‘Critical for who, for you? That you don’t have someone to drink with when we’re on holiday.’
‘Critical for you, for refusing to understand that it’s not normal to doom me to drink alone.’
‘What’s more, I’m getting wiser and nobody is the reason for me expanding my boundaries and changing my point of view.’
‘Oh yeah, right, yet another excuse and denial. Look, a person can’t just change their worldviews just like that. There’s always someone or something provoking them. Because if we only ever remained alone, no matter how much we read and think, we would never leave our comfort zone. Why would we do it? We’re perfectly fine there already.’
‘Danny, you surprise me. Comfort zones. Worldview. Just don’t start talking about marriage too. And by the way, I am prepared to refute you immediately, because for truly developed and searching people like me,’ and I let out an omniscient cough for him to sense my slight self-irony, ‘strive to go out of their comfort zone without any external interference. It’s called superior skill. So that your development never stops.’
‘Ugh, we are getting ever further out of my comfort zone. Don’t talk to me about marriages or else I’ll ask for the check and leave. I just want to point out that one can smell the love around you. I know you, you’re glowing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this before. You finally set aside some time for yourself and here you are, the Universe or God, or whoever you wish, will give you a kick in the ass for trying to run away from it. But this time it will be something different and it will be my pleasure to watch from the first row. Everyone around me is in love. I’m the only one in a long-term relationship. Lilly is lucky I consciously love her, because with you and with Phillip, who glows even brighter than you and is never off the phone, I would already have started hitting on some colleague.’
‘Ugh come on, when have you ever hit on some colleague,’ I said, since this was the way I could continue the conversation and not let Daniel feel the huge tension in me at the sole mention of Phillip’s name, even more so when it was openly announced that he was in love.
I was sure that the reason for him never being off the phone was me, because he wrote so much it was physically impossible to do it with someone else in the meantime and still manage to work a little, to eat and to sleep. But that didn’t make me happy. I think I was on the verge of a panic attack. Everything in me froze and I felt real horror down my spine. Phillip in love. Me in love. I had to put an end to things. Immediately.
Chapter 9
The next few days I didn’t feel myself. I was like a mad person, like a sick person. I was tense and confused. I couldn’t focus. When I started messing up my work assignments and one of the new colleagues had the guts to tell me I could use a break, I realized that I had to do something. I had to calm down, collect my thoughts and make a decision based on facts. I was best at that. I had to go home, think, analyze and come to the right conclusions and choices.
These days since my meeting with Daniel I abruptly strayed away from Phillip. Abruptly and surprisingly. Both for me and for him. Naturally, I excused myself with loads of work to do. Something I could always prove was so. At first, he kept writing, even when, after ten messages, he received one response. Dry and brief. With time his messages lessened too, and I felt confusion and pain in them. My silence came out of nowhere for him, especially given our previous communication – lighthearted, joyful and lively.
And that is how we got to the moment when he stopped texting. I didn’t understand whether he was here or somewhere far away again. I didn’t like it. It felt horrible. Only then did I realize how much of my life he had filled up in such a short period of time. Only then did I realize how close we had become and how we shared with each other every single detail of our everyday lives. And, yes, I felt emptiness. This confused me even more and made me panic. I wasn’t used to being in such conditions. On the contrary, I was always the one leading the tone of my relationships with people – the start, the tempo, and the end. I was the person making conscious decisions for which I bore the responsibility. And now, even though I was the one to determine how I wanted it to end, it still hurt. A whole lot. I was surprised by the feelings taking over me. I was surprised by the strength of the emotions – both positive and negative – that Phillip brought about in me. I was surprised that I couldn’t easily put an end to something which was actually… well, nothing. What had I actually had with this person? So what? Sure, we had experienced strong emotions of irritation and attraction. Sure, we had experienced the pure moment at the village, the moment of revelation, appreciation and respect. Sure, we had experienced a few weeks of focused concentration on the other and that was wonderful, light and mind spinning. But, in the end, we hadn’t even had sex. In the end, we hadn’t even kissed. How could he have gotten under my skin like that, bringing me to such moments of complete desperation? I was confused, and the more I tried to analyze the situation, the more I found myself caught up in my own thoughts and emotions, clearly leading me in two opposite directions.
I decided I needed time to remain alone with myself and I told everybody I didn’t feel well and needed some time at home to get well. Could I possibly have been lovesick? Could I possibly have been in love? I was terrified by the thought of it. I was so terrified I only wanted to eliminate this person from my life and never be in touch with him, ever again. I remembered Daniel’s words and his confident statement that I ran away from love and that it had been the case for a long, long time. Well, I guess fate really had given me a kick. And it was time for me to bear the consequences of me not paying attention to this running of mine. With all the strength in my conscience I realized how much I had to work on improving myself in this respect. I had to grow to reach the bravery of loving and looking love in the eye, to the bravery of allowing myself to be spiritually close to another being. Until then, I most certainly had to put an end to whatever the thing with Phillip was. The more my mind led me this way, the calmer I felt. I don’t know whether it was because I had made a decision, or simply because I strayed away from the burning thought of being in love and allowing myself to love. Well, for now I decided I’d bury these doubts and questions in a hidden corner of my conscience and drift to the soothing solution – first, get rid of this world-shaking relationship and only then calmly work on myself, slowly and surely.
&nbs
p; I had taken some days off anyway and I decided to make use of the whole time for myself and for some artistic output. The first day I was still under the tension of how to get out of this horrifying situation I had gotten myself into. The moment I made my decision, I started calming down and cleaning up my home, my clothes and things. I had a whole week ahead of me. I had decided to gift it all to myself, to stroll around Vitosha mountain, to take in the last rays of sunshine, to drink tea and read books in parks, to drive my car aimlessly late at night under the city lights, to be with myself for my own self. That’s exactly what I was going to do, but today, upon waking up, I was filled with creative energy. Just opening my eyes, I saw before me ideas of dresses and of mixing conflicting and mutually exclusive fabrics and colors. I got up, took a quick shower, put on an old man’s shirt I loved a lot, and which filled me with even more energy when I was in such creative moods. And I started drawing. This morning my living room turned into an artistic arena. I had taken out a bunch of fabrics laid out all around me. I tried different combinations with them. I drew and erased, tore up papers and drew again. I must have had six pencils stuck in my hair and the others were literally everywhere – on the floor, on the couch, on the table. I had produced a real creative mess, but I liked it. At one moment I looked at the clock and I was honestly surprised when I saw it was already three in the afternoon. I hadn’t eaten, I wasn’t even hungry. I decided it was about time to get up and make myself an aromatic tea, before submerging again in my ideas, because it was highly possible next time I took my eyes off the paper it would be three in the morning. I smiled. I smiled at myself and at the mess I had around me. I smiled at the things I had created with my own hands in the past few hours. I liked them. I was pleased. I smiled at the energy flowing through my body and at the calmness taking me over. In complete contrast with the emotions that I had experienced the previous days – nervousness, irritation, division in my mind. I was sure I had more than one purpose in life, and that I had already found some of them. I was sure one of them was creating clothes. It filled me with energy, calmed me, pleased me, spiritualized me. When I immersed myself in this atmosphere I switched off everything else and I was simply myself. I left myself to the flow of feelings and in the end, when I looked at the piece of paper and saw what was on it I was sometimes content, sometimes intrigued, sometimes even unpleasantly surprised, because the things were too different. At moments like that I left things mature and sometimes include them in collections, other times I just left them until their time came. The time I would feel them truly and look at them with new eyes. I loved drawing, I loved touching the different fabrics, I loved experimenting with them and with the different colors. I loved starting a certain design and then changing it all the time, even risking driving a seamstress crazy. I loved seeing what came out of my ideas. I loved the final result and I also loved the process leading up to it.
I Choose You, Love Page 8