It was that time of the year and I could safely relax and forget about everything that had happened to me in the past few months. To dive into the Christmas mood, the Christmas preparations, the Christmas spirit, magic and dreams.
I had created an incredible New Year’s collection for the MyMegan brand, which was a huge success. It surpassed our expectations, and although it was sold out in early December, we decided not to release new quantities in order to create a sense of uniqueness of the brand. The brand became more and more popular and increasingly sought after, and this fact gave me enormous joy. I had regained my creative inspiration with even greater force. I knew that I had recovered after the experience I had had with Phillip, and that seemed to awaken even more confidence in my own strengths and capabilities. It also reflected my creative potential.
On Christmas Eve, my whole family was gathered at my parents’ home. My mother had prepared the table, but we all brought something home-cooked. The atmosphere was festive – the Christmas tree decorations, the centerpieces on the table, the lights on the windows, and the Christmas scents that spread throughout the house gave rise to excitement. It was an amazing evening. One of many such evenings that filled me with endless joy and pride for my family. There was a lot of food and drinks, there was a lot of laughter and tears, there were many gifts. The evening was really magical. Such deep love! So much magic. We recalled funny stories from the past and we laughed our hearts out. We talked about relatives and acquaintances that we had not heard from or seen for a long time. We shared our plans for the New Year’s holidays, the coming year, and our next family gathering.
When I went home after the family dinner, I felt an irresistible urge to write to Phillip. I wanted to greet him for the holidays and wish him all the best. There was so much love in my heart at that moment that I was literally overflowing with emotions. And yes, Phillip might be part of the past and he was a closed book, but he was still a significant part of my life. Unquestionably he had changed my opinion on many important things, so I felt a great desire to thank him and to share with him some of my Christmas spirit.
I entered my Facebook profile. I wanted to write on his wall. Something clear and concise. When we parted, that is, when he left, I wanted to block him and close the door then and there. But eventually I thought it was an act of cowardice, and something I wouldn’t do. That’s why I just limited his access to my profile until I was ready to see his posts and lift even this restriction – it would mean that I was ready to continue with my life, not bothered at all with what was happening in his. I did not see the point of completely excluding him. Even if we were no longer a couple, I thought I had the strength to keep him as one of my acquaintances, because at one point he had meant a lot to me.
I had forgotten to remove the access restrictions, although over the last month I had managed to overcome the painful memory of our relationship. I had kept under control my desire to see whether he had blocked me, whether he had posted anything, what was happening in his life – his career, his personal life, his many hobbies. Whether or not he had continued to live as before, or his life had changed but a fraction, the way he had changed mine a thousand times.
Now I was ready to look. I was ready to write to him, I was ready for my first contact with this man. Or rather the second, if I count the letter I sent, although I had never received an answer. But I assumed that it might not have reached him at all.
There was no more need for hesitation. I entered and removed all the restrictions I had set before.
Then I clicked on his profile name. For a fraction of a second I felt a rush of emotions. Excitement. Love. Fear. Expectation. Uncertainty. Joy. And shock. Shock. And horror. Unsettling, terrifying horror. My chest tightened. My head was spinning. My stomach ached. I could not believe my eyes. I refused to believe. It was a vile, cruel joke. It was such an unimaginable nightmare. But obviously I didn’t have a vivid imagination. I expected to see everything else on this profile, but not that. Not that! Not after such a short period of time! How had he managed it?
Chapter 21
I sat and stared blankly at the screen. My eyes were as if glued. I could not close the page. I wanted to turn off Facebook or the computer, or the electricity, but I could not. I did not have the strength to move. I could not, even though it hurt me, even though everything in me was shattered.
Phillip stared at me from the screen with his divinely beautiful smile and warm eyes that I loved so much, wearing a Christmas sweater, sitting at a beautifully decorated Christmas table with two women – one on each side. On one side it was probably his grandmother. She looked very affectionate but strong, with wisdom in her eyes. And on the other side…on the other side was that woman. That woman who had created such a buzz on social media with a single photograph, whom he had never mentioned. That woman who was looking at him with such adoration in her eyes and who …wore an engagement ring. And the status was “Just Sworn”. Were they really engaged?
This was definitely shocking. It had been no more than two months since he had left. Was that why he had gone? Was that the reason for his escape without even saying goodbye? Because he did not have the courage to face me and confess the truth to me. The truth that I was only a temporarily thrill, good sex, fun company as he traveled around the world waiting for the answer from the woman he loved, the woman he has going to marry.
And the most terrible thing was that I was ready to look at the whole situation, and its outcome, through the prism of self-accusation. This was so from the very beginning and long after that, right until my mother pulled me out of this hole. I could not stop turning over again and again in my mind what went wrong, what had I done to push him away, how had I insulted him, and other such terrible things. What if my mother had not managed to put some sense back into my mind? Maybe I would be torturing myself still. But this was not something to blame Phillip for. Regardless of how people behave towards us, even those we have opened up to, those whom we have admitted to the inner most corners of our hearts, we are responsible for our actions and thoughts. We are responsible for our reactions. So, the way I interpreted our last meeting and how I chose to ignore myself and place him in the role of the victim was entirely my decision. And Phillip had nothing to do with it. Yes, he did not do the right thing for a thousand other reasons, but this was something for which I had to take the responsibility.
Phillip had proposed to her… Dana. That was her name… Dana. Phillip proposed to her on Christmas Day. How sweet and romantic! I envied her so much. I wanted so much to be in her place. And it was that thought that struck me. How come I suddenly wanted to marry Phillip? People say that the more we move away from each other, the more we crave for one another. However, often this is not true desire, but an obsession and we must learn to let go and release.
I had so many questions, so many remarks. Yet again! But this time I knew there was no point. I thought I had already let go of Phillip. I thought I had freed myself from him and had made a leap forward. I thought I had left him in the past. I thought I had forgiven him and had forgiven myself and was ready to move on. Only now did I realize why I only came across men who wanted just sex and nothing else, no commitment, no relationship: I too was unready for something more serious. I was trying to convince myself that I was ready to close the chapter of the previous love, of all that Phillip and I had experienced together. But in fact, I was not. As much as I managed to move on, as much as I did not cling to the thought of him, I still had feelings for him. Somewhere deep in my heart there was still hope, even though I did not want to acknowledge it. No, I was not ready to embark on the next love until I was completely free, until I was rested, until I truly forgave myself.
We are so in a hurry to get into a new relationship once the old one is over. We are so stupid, thinking that when a person leaves and there is a gaping hole in our hearts, we have the power to fill it with someone else. This is totally impossible. It is like blowing smoke. And just now I realized that I had ma
de this mistake many times, always feeling dissatisfied. Why was that? Because my normal reaction was to compare everything new with the old. Because after a passionate and vibrant love, one needs to rest, to balance oneself, to free one’s thoughts, and knowingly to choose the next step. Now I realized that, after ending a relationship with a person who has played an important role in your life, the best solution is be alone for a while, to give yourself time to close this chapter at the right pace. So later when you open the next, you can do it readily and consciously. This way you can get the best you deserve. Everything else is an attempt to escape from the fact that we must face our powerful negative emotions like loneliness, pain, disappointment, sadness, even anger.
It was at this point that I was filled with anger, and I wanted to pour it out, because I felt myself drowning in it. I decided to write another letter to Phillip because I needed to tell him some more things. I figured if he had no courage to face me, then I was not such a coward, and I had no desire to curl up and hide.
’I’m so mad at you! Furious! Mostly at myself. And contrary to your expectations, I’m not mad that I let you in, that I allowed this love to happen, that I was so naïve as to be so honest with you without even for a moment doubting that maybe you were not always truthful. No! On the contrary! I do not regret any of these things, even now, when I know what a liar you are. Even now, when I know that all that I thought we were experiencing meant nothing to you. You went away and did not even find the strength to tell me the truth, as a real man should do, but you scarpered like the coward that you truly are. No, I’m not sorry, because for you these few months may mean nothing, but they meant a lot to me. Yes, I really loved you, and yes, I learned the lessons I avoided for a long time. And I am proud of myself. I am proud for being able to look so maturely at this situation, and not only that, but even before I learned the truth about you, poor bastard, I found the strength and wisdom to break away, to stop blaming myself and to be liberated. At least to gain a certain degree of freedom.
But now that I know the whole truth, and no thanks to you, I can move on, being even more confident and stronger. But also, willing to open my heart again to the next man I’m sure will deserve it much more than you.
I’m such a fool for letting myself go all the way with you. Something I promised not to do. If I had not let you drag me to this extreme, I’m sure I’d have caught you in your lies long before you decided to leave. But the truth is, I surrendered to the primitive attraction between us, and then to your tricks. Yes, the truth is, I did not even think for a moment that you were not sincere. You were very, very convincing, I confess. And every time you looked me in the eyes and uttered all those candied words, I trusted you unconditionally. It hurts. It really hurts me when I remember, knowing that at the same time you might have already proposed to the other woman. It hurts.
Now I understand all those men and women who cheat on their spouses when something has begun to break down in the relationship, but they do not have the courage to confront their partners and try to mend their relationship. Instead, they choose the easiest way out and simply look for the thing they lack outside the relationship. Or they bury their emotions in an experience like infidelity, as an ostrich buries its head in the sand. So, they think they have control and the dose of pleasure to endure the problems and tension in their relationship, at work, in life. Yes, I understand all these people, although I do not personally accept their behavior. But at least I can see the root of the problem. But proposing and at the same time having sex with women on the other side of the globe or a parallel relationship at a time when you have decided to get married…this is something I cannot understand. Why? Because the moment you decide that you are going to make this huge step, that you are going to marry this woman, that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, that she will be the mother of your children – this must be a moment of utter bliss, in which you are convinced that this is the woman for you, in which you must overflow with love, respect, and admiration for this woman. This must be also the time when your world spins around her, your first thought waking up and going to bed at night is the thought of her. You are grateful that she exists, that fate has arranged for you to meet, that she has chosen you the way you have chosen her. I do not understand how a man is ready to cheat exactly at this sacred moment. Yes, I do realize that for some people marriage does not mean anything anymore. Yes, I know there are people who get married just because they have to, because the biological clock is ticking and it is time to have children, because family and society expect them to take this step, for money, for power, for fame, and for whatever other sickly reasons. But I did not think you were one of them.
But now, looking back, remembering the lust in your eyes at the very beginning, that predator’s look, I am more and more convinced that you just wanted to satisfy your animal instinct. And, as we both well know, you cannot stand it if you do not get the thing you want, irrespective of the time, the circumstances and such little things as the fact that there is another woman in another part of the globe, towards whom you have serious intentions and you are considering marriage.
This is so vile. I think you’re a coward. I have so much anger in me and you are the reason. I feel betrayed, deceived, and outraged, and you profaned something so real and holy as the feelings of a woman. Yes, I stand by my words and you deserve to hear them. You deserve to see that you are not perfect in the eyes of all and deserve to understand that other people have feelings that you offended. Yes, Phillip, I loved you, I gave you a piece of myself, I opened up to you in the most intimate way. And yes, Phillip, I’ll move on and I am sure I’ll find the love that will make me feel the way I deserve. But I am also sure that someday you will get exactly what you bestow on people. So, I hope you manage to see the wrong you have done me and not only to me, but this girl who looks at you lovingly from the photo on your Facebook profile and probably does not even know what a bastard she will marry, but mostly to yourself. Because you are in a great delusion if you think that what you are doing is acceptable. You are seriously mistaken.’
I wrote and wept. But at the moment when everything was over, I felt light and purified. I felt as if I had cast off a huge burden from myself, from my body, from my life. I was far from thinking that I could forgive Phillip so quickly, but I was sure that someday I would. I would forgive myself. I was sure that I would soon be able to look at this situation from a different angle and find some meaning, but right now, at that moment, I just needed to hold myself and lie down. I had no strength for anything else.
The next day, the first thing I did was call a courier company and send the letter. I wanted him to get it, I wanted him to read every word. I wanted him to feel both the pain and the anger that gushed out of the paragraphs. But I also wanted to continue the same tradition of the previous letter. Yes, it was easier to post it directly on Facebook and see immediately if he had read it, if he had received it. But I did not want to dramatize the situation any further and frustrate myself with additional questions such as when I would receive an answer, or whether he would answer me at all. Or even worse – answer me in one sentence, in a word, thus provoking me to chat with him. He did not find the strength to face me and tell me the truth; he did not even find the strength to call me on the phone and tell me all this personally. I would not like to make things easy for him by opening a chat where we would hold a conversation for the sake of appearances. I knew I had to send the letter, but without having any vain expectations of an answer. And even if he decided to read it and to communicate with me by chatting, I would not make it easy for him. If at all he decided to give me an explanation, let him find the strength to call me. If he did not – better not try at all.
Only now did I realize why it had been so easy for him to leave Bulgaria and cancel his project. It was not so much an escape but practically the less painful solution. Apparently, he did not stand by the project as much as he had claimed. And from a financial point of view, the fea
sibility study and the first steps that were taken did not cost that much, so he just decided that it was not worth it to do business on the other side of the globe. Moreover, when he had to face me and tell me the truth. And at a time when he already knew he was going to propose, or he had received a positive answer to his proposal. I wondered if he really had proposed on Christmas or it was just the time when the girl said yes. What did it matter, anyhow? Neither he nor she were part of my life. It was high time to close this chapter.
I was exhausted. So many emotions swept through me in such a short time and every one took its toll. So, after a hot shower I simply fell into the soft duvet. I needed a break. I needed to recover in order to be able to move forward. I owed it to myself. Men were no longer the focus of my attention. Now it was time to focus on myself.
Chapter 22
Last year saw many changes in my life. I went through various different stages. From utter workaholism and paying no attention to anything else but work, only to avoid looking at myself and my personal life in greater detail, through selfish neglect of everyone and pursuing solely individual desires, to seeking balance and tranquility. From a total disregard of friendships and neglect of all my acquaintances, through a dangerous whirlpool of shallow relationships that leave you with nothing, and lastly succumbing to a single one. I had no time or chance to comprehend, to reflect, to make confident and sensible decisions. I let impulses guide me and just fell into feelings and experiences so new to me.
I Choose You, Love Page 16