It was around Christmas. This was the second Christmas we were together. I had read somewhere that most break ups happen during the holidays. As if it is then that the burden of absence of love becomes the heaviest. And although it was better to wait for a more suitable time to announce such a decision, most people just went berserk.
Something similar happened to me. I went berserk. I was fixed on the idea of having this woman only for myself, right there and then. I was fed up of hiding. I was fed up of spending my evenings alone, wondering what was happening at her home. I was tired of going out with girls only to distract the media attention, because several times we were caught in awkward situations. The paparazzi had taken photos of us having lunch together in very intimate settings. Dana was so nervous at the time that she broke up with me for a while. I was hurt that such a trivial thing had made her go back to her husband, who made her unhappy, instead of staying with me. And when she could not stand it anymore and called me to get together again, I promised myself that I would not be placed in a similar situation ever again. I would not let the pain envelop me again. I promised her to be extra careful. I told her that I would see other women just for pretense. She not only agreed, but was quite pleased. I felt like a fool, insulted and slightly hurt from her reaction but I did not say a word. I was still very worried by our recent break up, and too happy from the fact that we were back together again to spoil the moment.
And then the second Christmas together came along, and I told myself that two years of this type of relationship was more than enough. Dana had not changed her position on whether to leave her husband or not, although we had discussed it many times. But I had completely lost patience – I wanted more. I badly needed more and I was ready to lose her, instead of continuing in this way.
This was exactly what happened. We broke up. I could not believe it. I was totally confused. I was sure that she loved me as much as I loved her, but obviously I was wrong. I was well aware of the relations with her husband. I saw the pain in her eyes when I told her that it was the end. Regardless, she chose him. I could not understand her at the time, and I never did. This loyalty, this fake commitment. At first, I could not come to terms with such a stupid, irrational decision. I continued to pressure her, to provoke her. I went through different phases – persuasion, pleading, compassion and accusations. But nothing worked. She stood firmly by her decision. She had preferred to stay with him, although there was no connection between them, no children, despite the fact that she was unhappy.
I had asked myself many times what could have been the reason. Many thoughts crossed my mind. Sometimes I believed he was putting pressure on her, harassing her in some way and she was afraid to tell me. I thought that he kept her under control with some kind of secret she was hiding. At other times, I thought her to be too loyal, unwilling to walk out of a long marriage and breaking her vows. My mind searched for different excuses to ease my pain. Dana had shared with me her suspicions that most probably he was cheating on her too. But despite that they had not discussed the matter of separation even once. There were moments when I was angry and accused her that the only reason to stay with him was the material and financial comfort he provided her with. But I too was a successful businessman. The media wrote about me as a young entrepreneur with a bright future. I was confident that I could provide both of us with a wonderful and financially stable life. But I could not compete with her husband after all. He was very, very rich and prosperous. He came from a very well off family and I was not in his league, financially.
I passed through various phases. At times I justified her actions and admired her for her decency and loyalty, placing his interests before hers. But there were times when I accused her of being a gold-digger, of being naïve, even of using me. Although I was aware that I was the one who started everything, and not she. I was hurt and did not think straight. I tried to manipulate her in order to get what I wanted. But what I wanted then was to have a meaningful and happy relationship, similar to the one my parents had shared.
So, I stood by my decision, she stuck by hers and we parted. I went back immediately and effortlessly to my previous lifestyle of nightlife and frivolous, shallow ties with different women. I had become even more unscrupulous. At a given point I realized that I was not looking for anything in a woman and did not expect anything in return. I was like a predator. Taking without giving anything in return. I had been hurt and I wanted all women to pay for the pain I had experienced, to pay for her choosing another man.
Some time passed. I had canceled all communication with Dana. She tried to give me a hint that she would be happy to be acquaintances, if not friends, and I smiled in contempt. I was not ready for such a relationship, and I did not think that I would be ever ready.
But I was so young then. I was immature. After few years, when the emotions subsided, when the wounded ego was healed, we met by chance at a function. I was there with my grandmother. I was surprised and could not conceal my feelings that engulfed me in a second and were reflected on my face. My grandmother was watching me, such a wise and intuitive woman. I was grown up now and was not embarrassed to talk about these things with her, and it even pleased me to learn from her experience. I had outgrown the times when I thought I knew everything and denied the experience of my elders. Going home after the cocktail party, my grandmother asked me a single question and I told her the whole story. She said that everything happens for a reason. That, despite how things had unfolded, I should be grateful to this girl for spending some time with me, and that everything depended on the point of view. I should look at the situation differently. I had been in love with this woman, I had found love, but she had discarded me. Or perhaps, this was a sojourn in my life-journey in search of love and God had given me a signal that love did exist and that, someday, I would find the feelings that my parents had shared. That I needed patience, more effort, more time in order to see all these things. I should not lose hope but should keep on believing and searching for what I truly wanted. I shall never forget the way I felt when my grandmother said these words to me. They echoed in me strongly, as if God had uttered them. They resounded in my mind, my heart and my soul. That was the moment when I felt genuine gratitude towards Dana. I forgave her. I was able to look at the situation objectively, to understand her decision, to see my actions from a completely different angle. Her decision no longer mattered. It was only hers and could only affect her own life. It had nothing to do with me. What was important was the experience. The things we lived through. The feelings that enriched us, expanded our horizon, helped us develop. Even the negative emotions.
A few days later I got in contact with Dana to thank her. To tell her what she meant to me and how much she had changed me. The truth was that I had become more mature and ready for real commitment. Now I was more aware. After overcoming the period when I hated all women and wanted revenge for the pain I had felt, caused by that single woman, now I was ready to look for love again. And I firmly believed that love was very close.
Well, it wasn’t as close as I had imagined. I continued to go out with different women. But suddenly I had become very attentive. I did not act so much as a predator. I began to build up friendships with women not only for sex, but still I could not hold on to a stable relationship. I was unable to receive from them what I wanted the most. At a certain point I got rid of the notion that I should find a woman to have a family with at all costs. I was liberated from the utopia of my parents’ love. I realized that my life was different and that I should not focus on pursuing one particular ideal, forgetting everything else in life. This did not mean that I was giving up. But the moment I understood that there were other things in life, other things that could make me a complete, fulfilled individual, I became relaxed. Even liberated. My life became more multifaceted. I stopped chasing waterfalls and relished each moment. I cherished every single opportunity given to me from meeting different people, different women.
Dana and I renewed our rela
tions, but this time only as friends. I was ready now. I would not say that we were very close friends, that we saw each other often or shared personal things. More so, it was a deeper friendship, more aware. She liked to say that we had a Karmic relationship, that we had to live through this experience and learn our lessons and atone for our sins in previous lives. Succeeding in this, we were able to enjoy the fruits of a beautiful friendship without complications. I was not a believer in reincarnation. These things never interested me, but I liked her assuredness when she spoke about it. We rarely met, and when we did we talked about how we felt, life, our dreams, and fears. We held philosophical conversations. She was a good listener, and she provoked me. I provoked her too. It was interesting and up-lifting. The burning lust and longing we had felt at the beginning had disappeared. Everything we felt then had died or was perhaps transformed into quiet and serene respect. Nothing more.
The pen cracked under my fingers. I had broken it. My body had become stiff. My chest felt heavy, as if I was enchained. My mouth was dry, parched. There was a beastly burden on my shoulders. My very Ego screamed that the choice I had made a few months ago was wrong and undesired. I had decided to enter into a relationship that was founded on a wonderful friendship and respect but nothing else. I had chosen to spend the rest of my life deprived of passion, love, and attraction that should exist between two persons. I was satisfied with getting leftovers… And it all happened when I was experiencing my strongest love. A tornado of emotions. MyMegan. The woman for whom I was ready to forsake the world. The woman that was the embodiment of my ideal. The woman that met all my expectations and could surprise me at any time with something new. But the die was cast. And that was slowly killing me.
Chapter 27
It was the middle of February. Dana and I had to go the countryside. I had promised Grandma to visit her during the long weekend. I had not seen her during the Christmas holidays and I needed a break from work because December and January had been very busy. I had found salvation in my work but now it was time for a short vacation; my body needed it. The winter was surprisingly mild. The weather forecast was for unusually high temperatures for this season, indicating the early coming of spring. It was the perfect time to be close to nature.
The past few weeks Dana had been feeling much calmer, or perhaps she had become used to my absence and workaholism. Ironically, our relationship was becoming very similar to her former marriage. Dana had started to accept the new “me” without understanding the real reason for this change. She was totally focused on the baby. Our baby.
This made me feel much more at ease too. When she stopped nagging me, questioning me, trying to get me into a stereotyped relationship, I felt free and more relaxed. This did not mean that I spent more time at home. Although in the past I had found her company, even as a friend, very pleasant, now I associated it with the sacrifice I had made. This made me avoid her. I did not blame her at all. It was entirely my own decision, but I blamed myself for everything that I had lost and could have had with Megan. Dana just reminded me of the painful truth. This was why I spent as much time as possible away from home. But still the fact that Dana did not accuse me or harass me on the phone made things slightly easier.
So, I decided that this set of circumstances combined with the mild weather and the emotionally balanced temperament of Dana was the perfect combination for a deserved break. My grandmother gave the additional impetus, because I was certain that the two women would keep each other company, thus concealing my unwillingness to mingle. As much as I had been feeling more relaxed lately, I was still alert and tried not to create awkward and unpleasant situations.
I never imagined that I would spend the rest of my life this way. Just the opposite, I was sure that I would marry for love. I knew how important it was to bring up happy and self-assured children, but alas, the wheel of life had turned this way.
I watched Dana packing and we were ready to go. Traveling always relaxed me. I loved to drive in all kinds of weather, preferably alone, giving me time to think without being interrupted. I enjoyed travelling with Megan too. It was magical. Like everything we did together. We were made for each other. It was as if she was created to meet my criteria. As if we were one being. We spent so much time together and there was not a single moment when I felt bored or annoyed or wanted to be alone. As if she knew when I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and spontaneously we were silent, each submerged in their own world and thoughts. Then effortlessly we were back together again… So many emotions and so many happy memories. Unforgettable.
‘Do you miss your grandmother? There is such a beautiful smile on your face. I’ve not seen it for a while. A peaceful and blissful smile.’ Dana pulled me out of the sweet, forgotten memories.
‘Yes, I do miss her, obviously. But we don’t get everything we want. We simply ought to put up with the circumstances at hand.’
‘I don’t agree! Lately our opinions are different all the time. And before our thoughts and feelings were alike,’ she smiled as if to herself and continued: ‘I don’t like the verb “ought to”. This is a bourgeois fabrication. Coercive societies, servitudes or absolute monarchies just instructed their subjects what to do. People knew that they were slaves and had one master. There was no hypocritical notion of freedom. Later, with the advent of the bourgeoisie, came the idea of power by consent. Capitalism exercises power over all the citizens convincing the working class that it has the same interests as the capitalists. Since then, this way of thinking has become inherent in generation after generation and widely applied. The verb “ought to” is the best instrument: you ought to “do this” and “do that” simply because you have to. Accept the facts and just do it. It is handed down from parents to children, teachers to pupils, statesmen to the citizens, employers to the employees, even spouses. What happens in the end? “Ought to” is just another way to evade responsibility. It is our inability to declare: “I shall do this because I want to or because I chose to do so. There is a reason for this decision and the responsibility for the consequences is mine entirely. It is not imposed top-down and it is not something to which I cannot say No. By saying Yes, I give my consent.” Therefore, darling, “ought to” is just lack of responsibility and an excuse for the choices we make in life. It does not suit you to use it. You sound like a wuss who doesn’t know what he wants from life. And you are everything else but that. You have always known what you’ve wanted and how to get it.’
‘Wow! This is an unusual early morning tirade. But thank you, anyhow! Very apt. I’ve needed such pep talk lately – “ought to” has occupied an indecent part of my vocabulary.’
‘Ha-ha! Simply ask yourself what are you afraid of? What is the reason why you want to squirm out of responsibility?’
I was uncertain whether Dana was trying to provoke me or she was rubbing salt into my sore wound unintentionally, but I felt defeated. Whereas, she just took her handbag, and walked to the car. No, it was not intentional. It was just the old Dana speaking. She was like that – outspoken and intelligent. She always expressed her opinion regardless of the consequences. In this case she just made an observation or was probably intuitive. She uttered the words I was refusing to accept, and they perfectly described my behavior of late. I refused to admit that I was running most of the time, dodging responsibility. I was not happy with the decision I had made, and I did not want to admit it. But at the same time, I was unable to find a different solution. I had struggled to find a way out many times.
We were on our way to the countryside, but I could not stop thinking about my decision. During my morning conversation with Dana all the questions that I had stubbornly and consistently tried to hide re-emerged in my mind. But now everything was bursting, eager to come to the surface in a great tidal wave. Like a buoy – the harder you try to push it underwater, the more it springs out of the water. I needed to calm my mind and Dana gave me that tranquility because she was also lost in her own thoughts. Regardless, I could not put my m
ind at ease. I was impatient to reach our destination and be left alone with my own thoughts.
The weather was warm and pleasant. When we arrived, I unloaded the luggage and excused myself by saying that I needed some exercise and was going jogging. I just needed some space. I was suffocating. I felt as if a skyscraper had fallen on top of me. I changed quickly and went out.
The town where my grandmother lived was nice and small. There were no tall buildings – only houses. But unlike most American towns with similar architecture of the buildings, even identical in some neighborhoods, this town was distinct, thanks to its diversity. There were all types of houses and gardens, mostly small but well kept. Near our house there was a large park. It had various recreational areas – for sports, for play, for food, for leisure. On one side of the park there was a lake. I loved to go for walks, although the feeling was nothing like being amidst the wild, rugged nature of Bulgaria. As a child I had found a spot near the lake that was less accessible and, respectively, rarely visited. It was my favorite place. I could be there on my own for hours. Undisturbed. This time too, I hurried impatiently to this place.
Chapter 28
Saturday morning. Wonderful, sunny, mild, winter weather. Naturally, the park was filled with people. Parents and their children. Animal lovers with their pets. Sportsmen running, cycling, playing basketball. All were outdoors to enjoy the sunrays, unusual for this time of year. I quickly crossed the park and moved directly towards the lake. My secret, favorite spot was vacant. That pleased me – I needed to be alone for a while. I needed to sit down, to recline on a tree and to calm down. To ease my breathing, to calm my mind. But rather, to give it space to roam exactly where it wanted. Back to Bulgaria.
I Choose You, Love Page 19