I saw how happy he was. It made me happy too. I was happy, although he refused to share anything with me. I accepted his choice and just waited patiently for the next step. I only had the right to agree with it. Whatever the decision.
And then he told me about the baby. It was just before the Christmas holidays. He had come back to America and he called me to say that he was coming over to see me. I could sense that something was wrong over the phone. First, he told me that he had given up the idea of business in Bulgaria, and had been deceived by the prospects in the country, and that he could not see any sense in going back there in the near future. He also told me that he had a lot of work here and this was the reason for looking the way he did. This work of his never ended. He was always tired and stressed, and this made him so glum. Then he told me that he wanted to introduce this girl to me. I shall never forget the way he said it. It sounded like a weight, a burden, something he had to do, but if he could have, he would have escaped. This was what he had been trying to do ever since. Escape. And finally, he told me that I was going to become a great grandmother. So bluntly, without any enthusiasm, without a hint of emotion. He simply said: ‘By the way, you are going to be a grandma, I mean great-grandma.’
Chapter 35
The telephone rang and pulled me away from these memories that wouldn’t leave me alone for the past couple of days.
‘Hi, Leslie, how are you?’
Hi, Margaret, I’m fine, thank you. And you?’
‘So-so. I couldn’t sleep but I’ll make up for it tonight, I hope.’
‘Sorry for interrupting you. I hope you feel better soon. I can’t talk for long because I’m at work and our personal calls have been restricted. Especially at this time of day.’
‘Don’t worry, Leslie. Get straight to it, how can I be of help?’
‘Actually, I’ll be doing you a favor. This morning I was substituting for a colleague from another department and just then the email came back. The unreceived one, actually. Is your grandson’s name Phillip Dimitrov?’
‘Yes, it is.’
‘The -ov at the end is unusual and that is why I noticed it. He has a letter from Bulgaria, but the address is wrong – there’s no such number. When I was processing it, I saw that there were two more letters from earlier dates and I decided to call you. It might be important.’
‘Interesting. Thanks a lot, Leslie. I’ll come by the post office to collect the letters today.’
‘OK. Better yet, come tomorrow afternoon when it is my shift. Otherwise, they might not give them to you without proper authorization.’
‘You’re great! I owe you a lunch. After all we haven’t seen each other for ages. I’ll be glad to chat and catch up on neighborhood gossip.’
‘You’re on. We are so doing it. Lunch and gossip.’
‘I’m glad you phoned me, and thanks once again. If it weren’t for you, the letters might have been lost.’
‘Probably, but maybe there is a good reason that they should reach their addressee. Love and kisses and see you soon.’
‘Perhaps. See you!’
This was strange. Who sends letters nowadays? Probably it was just a formality. Many people nowadays have only email addresses because they are constantly on the move. Phillip also never gives out his postal address, let alone mine. I felt a spasm in my stomach. Should I call him? I decided that it was not worth bothering him with such petty things before finding out who had sent the letters. I waited impatiently for the next afternoon to pick them up.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. Every concurrence of circumstances is perfectly ordered for a concrete purpose – either an award or a lesson for the parties involved. Megan Alexandrova. Bulgaria. The letters to Phillip were not from a company but from a woman. From Bulgaria. There was no information on the envelope about the sender and I decided to open it, so that I had more details when I called Phillip.
I started reading. All of them. At the beginning, when I discerned the development of things, I thought that I should stop. But I couldn’t. I had started and I couldn’t bring myself to stop now. It was real. It was sensual. It was a letter of love about love. I read it and the puzzle from the last few months of Phillip’s life made sense. I started crying. I cried for Megan’s pain. I cried for Phillip’s pain. I knew that he still loved her. There was no need to ask, no need for answers. I knew it even before I had read the letter, but it only reconfirmed my assumption.
I read it twice, three times. I read it many times. The tension did not ease away, just the opposite. I wanted to change the script of this scene. I wanted to interfere and mend things. I didn’t know exactly when the baby was conceived. In fact, by knowing when Dana was due, most probably it had happened before Phillip’s trip to Bulgaria. As if it mattered. I was immensely happy to be a grandma again. But the truth was that Phillip’s attitude towards this wonderful event of becoming a parent, made me sad. Now I understood what was happening to him. And I was sure that he had put an end to everything in Bulgaria in order to take responsibility for his action.
I had to speak to him. Immediately. I didn’t want to interfere with his decisions. But I owed it to him to express my opinion, even risking messing things up much more. The mistake I made with my daughter was not that I told her my opinion. I believe that every self-respecting person should express their position, or at least openly present it. Only cowards keep silent. My mistake was that I did not accept her choice and even refused to hear her arguments, and insisted that she accepted my decision as the only right one. I had no intention of making the same mistake again. I saw the injustice done to Phillip. This was his own decision and doing. I would let him make his choice, but I owed it to him to let him hear my opinion. If I could manage to provoke him and see the mistake he was making, that would be good. If not, I would support him even if he was wrong. After all, this was his own path, his own destiny.
Chapter 36
Phillip
The week started catastrophically. I could not concentrate at all. I couldn’t get anything done. I couldn’t stop thinking about the weekend. Or to put it more correctly, I could not stop thinking about her. Why had I been so deceived over the weekend? That I could play with my mind that way? That anytime I wanted, I could switch on my memories about her and then change the program with the remote? No! It was not possible! I was mad at myself. I was mad at my grandma for trying to provoke me and make assumptions. As if I was not confused enough already and needed someone else to mess with my mind. No, I could not switch off my thoughts that were rekindled over the weekend. I could not turn off the feelings that whirled inside of me. It took me more than a month to push them into the furthest corner of my mind, so every time something reminded me of Megan, I immediately changed the focus to another direction. What did I prove with this? That I needed only a day, just a few hours, for them to resurface again with even greater force. I had no choice – I should not think about Megan, I should not think of any other possible options. I should not think, because I was going to be a father. Yes, my child. That was what mattered now.
The telephone rang. It was my grandma. What now? I was very jumpy and wasn’t sure whether I would be able to control my emotions and be nice. She was not to blame; she just wanted the best for me and was obviously worried about my crazy behavior lately. I was aware of it, but this did not mean that I could control it. I decided not to answer. But Grandma was insistent. She would not stop calling. It was Tuesday, four o’clock in the afternoon. She knew perfectly well that I was at work or in a meeting. If it wasn’t important, she would have stopped ringing. Finally, I decided to answer her call.
‘Grandma?’
‘Hello!’
‘Hi! Is everything all right?’
‘No, it isn’t. Actually…it is. Yes. I’m not sure how to put it.’
‘What’s going on, Grandma? Are you OK?’ I had started to get worried, she sounded so intense.
‘Yes, yes, my boy, I’m OK. I know that only
yesterday you were here, but I want you to come and see me again, if you have the time. As soon as possible. And I mean today or tomorrow at the latest.’
‘What’s the matter with you, Grandma? What’s happened?’
‘Nothing has happened, Phillip,’ she was quite cross now. ‘I’m all right. Don’t worry. But I want to talk to you. It’s important. Now!’
‘Are you sick? Have you been having some tests?’
‘No, I haven’t. I’m in perfect shape. But I need to speak to you about something very important and I want it to be as soon as possible. I have never asked you for anything, you know. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. But this time I need you. And I don’t want to put it off. So, I am asking you, please, come this week. As soon as possible. We have to discuss something that cannot be postponed. If you don’t come, then I will come to you. But you know that I hate travelling. That’s why I am asking you.’
‘Alright, alright. I’ll come. But you are giving me the jitters by not telling me what it’s about.’
‘There is no need to worry. If there was, I would have told you. I just have some affairs that I need to take care of and I need your advice. Frankly speaking, I didn’t expect that they would develop so quickly and with such an impact, otherwise I would have talked with you at the weekend.’
‘OK, I understand. I’ll get myself sorted and I’ll come. Perhaps, even tonight or later tomorrow. Anyway, this week I’m very chaotic and inefficient.’
‘Thank you!’
‘Don’t mention it, Grandma. I love you.’
‘I love you too, Phillip. And please, come alone, without Dana.’
‘OK.’ This request was the strangest part of her urgent call.
‘See you soon!’
‘Bye!’
This was a very strange conversation. I had no idea what had provoked my grandma to call me up so urgently. But I had to respect her request. It was true that she had never asked me for anything before. Or at least very rarely. Grandma always found a way to cope with every predicament. Regardless of the situation. I had heard many times various stories of how she had helped others. She had many friends and even more acquaintances and always found the right person to ask for help. She didn’t want to depend on me. For her, coping with the situation was asking someone else for help. She knew that if she asked me, then I would consider her requests as an obligation and this would be a burden for me. And she never wanted to weigh me down. In fact, it was she who helped me open my wings wide and fly high. She never restricted me, regardless of whether she consented or not.
My grandma gave me so much and she taught me so many things. Not only by lecturing me, but also through her own deeds and example. Grandma was a wise woman. I could not say why lately I’d avoided her company and her opinion. She had always been a good listener and a good adviser. I might even say that she never gave me direct advice but more so she always found a way to motivate me to find the best decision for me. I would like to tell her what happened in Bulgaria, about Megan and how things developed with Dana and the baby. Maybe it would make things easier for me. But I must stop looking back and rubbing salt in the wound. It was best not only to stop talking about Megan, but even to stop thinking about her. Also, I was ashamed, apart from being angry and self-reprimanding. I was ashamed that so easily and recklessly I managed to ruin my life just at the time when it was all working out perfectly.
I was very irritated and decided to leave the office. I had no desire to go back home to Dana and perhaps I needed to go on the road alone.
Chapter 37
Grandma had never meddled in my affairs and decisions and this was why I did not expect that she had called me to talk about me. Me and Megan. She didn’t beat about the bush but went straight to the point:
‘Up until last Saturday I had no idea what was happening in your life. I only had female premonitions, intuition or whatever it is called, that something was wrong. Of course, my mind tried to deceive me that this was from the tension at work and the tremendous change in your life – the baby, and other excuses you tried to make. My mind tried to deceive me so that I would not see the reality – that you had started on a path you did not want to follow.’
‘What are you trying to tell me?’
‘I want you to listen, you owe it to me. You know very well that this is the first time I have said this.’
I felt shivers run down my spine. I could see how serious she was when she continued:
‘I never knew love in my life. In those days when your grandfather and I were married, we had other values and goals, set by our parents and society. Our marriage was arranged by our parents. We didn’t care for each other, but we were lucky and quickly embraced our fate and learned to live with each other. Maybe this was the reason why I couldn’t understand your mother when she decided to be guided by love in her decisions and life. This was something unknown for me. Much later I began to understand her feelings and to accept them. Or at least to admit that such strong and true emotions do exist. I began to admit that they should determine our behavior and when the end goal is love, everything else is meaningless. I have always admired you for your determination to look for this feeling. You advanced greatly in your development and career. Lots of women were interested in you, I could see it. But you did not choose to follow the easy path, you searched for a particular emotion. I was surprised by your perseverance, although you did know what you were looking for. I had always thought that you would marry a Bulgarian girl, that you would fall in love with a Bulgarian. Always. And when you went to Bulgaria, I was convinced that you would find the one that you had been searching for so long and stubbornly.’
‘Where are you going with this, Grandma?’
‘My boy, I have the courage to look at things differently from the standpoint of age. Not so much with courage, but with ease. I have liberated myself from many responsibilities that burdened me over the years. Now I have no illusions, expectations, or fears. The only remaining fear is what comes after. After death. Will I exist at all? Sure, I have concerns about my health, and about you – are you well, are you happy with your family and your career? But even these concerns slip by me one by one. I believe that one day when I am eighty or ninety years of age, God willing, I will have shaken off all these worries and I’ll have a more philosophical mindset. I believe that with age comes freedom; the freedom with which we are born. But then we all manage to mess up our lives, to complicate things and to burden ourselves with fears, concerns, responsibility, guilt and what not. The more we mature, the more we are pushed over by them.’
‘I don’t get you, Grandma. What are you trying to tell me?’
‘It is not my business to interfere in your life. I have no desire to do so. You can decide for yourself who you need and when you need them, and to share what is happening in your inner world, your dreams and fears. I have told you many times that everything happens for a reason. And whatever happens, it happens for a reason and is brought about by someone at a given moment in time. We only muster the consequences in the present. It is a causal relationship. I only know that when something happens, we have to pay attention and to ponder why it is happening to us and what the possible reactions could be. There is always more than one solution. There is always more than one outcome. To think that a given situation has only one outcome is a restriction, a fence. I did not bring you up this way. I have always taught you to look for a way out, even when all believe there is none. You have always been able to succeed, where others have failed. Everyone has potential but what hampers us are our feelings – fear, guilt, responsibly. A friend of mine called to say that there are letters for you from Bulgaria. Three letters sent over a period of time, several weeks or so. They were sent to my address, but the number was wrong. There is no such number on my street and the letters were returned to the post office. Our family name is different and it stands out, this is why she called me to pick up the letters. She did me a favor and gave me the letters witho
ut proper authorization. There was an enormous chance of those letters being lost. But they weren’t, and they reached us. I opened one of them before calling you, not to invade your personal space but to have more information before calling you. I read it. The last one. I did not wish to read the other ones. I would like to tell you that your parents would have been proud of you. Of every step you make. I believe that your mother would have been proud of me too. I am as well, for being able to bring up a grandson who lives for love. I have told you many things about your mother. Now I will tell you one more thing that you don’t know. Before meeting your father, she was engaged to a boy, older than her, from a very rich family. These were tempestuous times and your grandfather was greatly indebted. He was involved in affairs far beyond his means and a lot of people were after him with bad intentions. The pressure on all of us was enormous. At the time, your mother was pressured to take a decision. She accepted the marriage proposal from a man she did not care for, only to save us from the mire which we would not have been able to do on our own. The boy’s family had connections and money. They not only paid our debt but also helped us with the documents for America. I was aware that she did not love him, but at the time, this did not matter to me. What is love after all? Nothing at all. I did not stop her, quite the contrary, I was proud of her deed. Your mother met your father just before the wedding. Just before we had to leave for America. I had brought her up to be responsible and not just that, but to pay her debts at any cost. Even if this meant sacrificing her own happiness. This was total idiocy! How stupid of me! Now, when I look back, I cannot even begin to imagine what your mother went through to make this decision. I cannot imagine the strength and courage needed to break up the engagement with one of the most influential bachelors at the time. The man who had helped her family escape from cruel trouble. To betray him like this! He did love her. And she hurt him so much. And on top of this, there was this conflict with me. The shame that I made her feel, the guilt, the feeling of unreliability. I truly cannot come to understand what she went through. But your father was there for her. She had come to know love and had made the right decision. She had chosen her own self and love. She had chosen happiness. And thanks to this choice you are now standing here in front of me. Perhaps it was destined for her to live such a short life – not sufficient enough. After her death I thanked God many times for guiding her to take the right decision, so that the few years of her predestined life could be filled with happiness, love and joy, which she had thanks to your father and you. The alternative was for her soul to die much earlier, because she had betrayed it…’ she fell silent.
I Choose You, Love Page 23