I woke up with a shock, swimming in sweat. I didn’t know where I was. It was dark. After a few seconds, my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I became aware of my whereabouts. I had fallen asleep on the sofa in Marty’s sitting room. In the house by the sea. The fire in the fireplace had just gone out. The embers were glowing in orange highlights. I didn’t know whether it was because of the dream or something else but suddenly I felt a heat wave from the fire close by and was soaking wet. I wanted a glass of ice-cold water. Then I saw Marty on the kitchen chair right behind the sofa. He had fallen asleep sitting, his head resting on the table. Why had we gone to sleep in this strange manner?
Then I remembered what had happened the evening before and cold shivers crawled down my spine. I was out of breath again. But this time I managed to control myself. I reached the kitchen sink, sprinkled cold water on my face and poured myself a glass of water, which I swilled down in one go. The coldness, especially in contrast to my warm body had a positive impact and my pulse was getting back to normal.
‘How are you?’ Marty was awake.
‘Why aren’t you in bed?’
‘I don’t like sleeping alone in bed,’ said Marty with a cold smile. I smiled too but did not have any strength to find a witty retort to his remark.
‘Marty, go to bed. I’m fine. Thank you. And…sorry for last night. I ruined everything.’
‘You didn’t ruin anything, Megan. He’s back again, isn’t he?’
I froze at the mention of him by Marty. I felt so damn embarrassed. He was so attentive, so kind with me, so… everything. He had tried to organize a really wonderful weekend and succeeded until I went crazy from that phone call. I owed it to him at least to be honest. I just nodded silently. He continued:
‘The evening we met I knew you had a fresh wound. Something prevented you from opening up to new relationships in a normal fashion. We are like that, we need time to make a new start. Those that do not allow themselves time usually ruin even the best relationships because, consciously or unconsciously, they blame the new partner for everything that had happened to them in the previous relationship. I knew you were not ready for a new start. I think you knew it too. But I like you and despite everything, I decided to give it a try. Bad timing.’
‘Marty, I’m sorry. I’m really not ready for anything at the moment.’
‘Karma. Are you really alright? Do you want a cup of tea?’
‘No, thanks, Marty. I’ll be fine. Go to bed like a normal person, because tomorrow morning you’ll feel like shit.’
I couldn’t say how Marty felt in this situation, but he did not show any emotions whatsoever that would have hurt me even more and made me feel guilty. Just the contrary, he stood up from the chair, came up to me and kissed me on the forehead and went upstairs.
We both got up late the following day. Evidently, the events of the previous night had exhausted us. We packed our bags and started back for Sofia. Almost the entire way I looked through the window without saying a work while Marty left me in peace. He knew what I needed and he simply provided it. Still another present from him. He never did talk about what had happened. He knew how painful dwelling on this topic was for me. And he just avoided it. I truly appreciated what he had done for me and was immensely thankful.
When he dropped me at my place I gave him a hug and could hardly keep from breaking into tears. I had no right to take up his time any more. I picked up my luggage and ran towards the stairs. The instant the door slammed behind me, however, I could no longer control myself and burst into loud sobs. Again. I curled up into a ball with my back towards the door and hoped that my neighbors would not see me because I wasn’t sure that I would be able to pull myself together and stand up. I didn’t want anyone to see me in that state. So weak and desperate.
In the end, I managed to survive. The emotions, so strong in me at times, went out of control. To such an extent that the only thing I could do was simply to let them loose. After such a long time keeping them under control, now they had to flow until I was left dry. This was how I felt at times; churning everything that had accumulated inside of me over several months, everything that I had pushed deeper and deeper, and at last I felt empty, hollow, numb.
After calming down, I gathered the last strength left in me and started walking towards my flat. The only thing I needed right now was to curl up on the sofa and get some sleep. I didn’t want to think, to go back to reality. I simply preferred to sink into sleep and forget. Everything. I was on the verge of exhaustion and a nervous breakdown.
‘Megan…’
No! I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. This was the only thought that crossed my mind. I wasn’t ready to hear his voice. I wasn’t ready to face him. Again. I wasn’t ready to see his eyes. Those eyes. Those eyes that I had been dreaming of for all those nights, long after he had gone. Those eyes that continued to haunt me in my dreams even now. Those eyes that touched the deepest sanctuaries, the secluded places in my soul, where no one had gone before. Those eyes that burned me. That incinerated me. Those eyes that I loved. And was not ready to turn around and see them again.
I stood with my back towards him. I had just come out of the lift and was heading towards my flat. Obviously, he had been on the stairs, waiting for me, but I had not seen him. I was just turning the key when I heard him. I was really not ready. And I was tired. I had not allowed myself to think over the situation and the phone call from yesterday evening, received from Danny’s phone. Since then my phone had been switched off. Clearly, he had come back to Sofia. After all, he had called me from Danny’s phone. He was in Sofia, trying to contact me. This could lead to so many things. The emotions overwhelmed me. Extreme emotions. I didn’t want to think things over right now. I was not ready. I had decided to go home, have a bath and sleep in my own bed. And maybe later, I could ask myself what had happened, how I felt and what I wanted… Me, personally. I didn’t want to drift downstream once again. I didn’t want to be guided by someone else’s desires and not my own anymore. But he had a different opinion about things. I wasn’t surprised that he was here. This was typical for Phillip. I should have guessed it. I could have had more time if I had gone to stay with a friend or my parents or at my grandma’s cottage. But I was drawn towards complete solitude in the space created by me that I called home. This was why I decided to go there. Home.
‘Megan…’
I didn’t want to turn around. I pressed my forehead on the door and just stood there. I kept my eyes tightly closed. I drew a deep breath and held it. I just wanted to have an instant of peace. To be able to turn off my mind and my emotions too, and fears, worries, memories, everything. I managed to clear my mind completely. And to be awarded with heavenly silence even if for just a second. Darkness. An instant where I was alone. In the void. Just me alone. An instant in which feelings lost their strength. The mind separated from the body. Levitation. Or a leap. Up high. Then a turn. A spin. Transformation into pure light. And speed. Disappearance of everything else. No meaning, no power over me. I had to collect my strengths, my mind, and my feelings and bring them back to me. To become complete again. Then I breathed out and was ready to meet destiny. To meet love. To face my greatest dreams and fears. To turn around and to look him in the eyes. Those eyes.
‘Phillip…’
He looked awful. He hadn’t shaved for days, he obviously hadn’t slept either. He definitely looked like a tormented person. Probably I wasn’t looking my best either, but the moment I had to collect myself and face him, I gathered all my strength that had cultivated for years, pulled myself together and tried to look as coldblooded as possible. I loved him so much, I wanted to forget what had happened, to hug him and to give him a chance to explain, to give myself a chance to forgive him. But right then, something else was stronger. Something that I had not even suspected that I carried in me. Something that surprised even me. Rage.
It was true that Phillip was the man I loved the most, the strongest, the truest. But he was also th
e man who had hurt me the most. He had deserted me and had chosen another woman instead of me. And although I tried to convince myself that I had moved on, and that, despite the pain, I was able to forgive him or at least to accept it, it seemed that it was not so. Because the moment I turned around and saw him, the feeling of love appeared instantaneously, as if it had never diminished for a second. There was also compassion because of his appearance, evidence of despair and remorse, but mostly I felt angry. The anger was so strong that it I could have incinerated Phillip on the spot.
He felt it. He felt the entire spectrum of emotions that passed through me with the speed of light and was confused. He was able to feel it not only because he knew me so well, but also because he was very sensitive. The relationship we had was still very special. Phillip knew perfectly well that he would face a fury personified in me, and this did not deter him. I had no idea why he had come back, but he had done so, knowing that the full power of my emotions, driven by his very actions, or lack of them, would befall him.
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked finally. ‘You should be aware that you’re not welcome.’
‘I received your letters.’
I had totally forgotten about them. I even thought that they had most probably got lost somewhere. It was such a long time ago that I had sent them that now, looking back, I wasn’t sure what I had written. I only knew that there was a great dose of love in the last one. Again. I knew that I had disclosed in it that part of me that had already calmed down a bit and accepted everything that had happened. But regardless, now when he was standing in front of me, I felt more the emotions expressed in my second letter, when I had just found out about the marriage proposal.
‘Are you here with your wife?’ Bullseye. I saw the pain in his eyes, and the guilt. Although I wanted to hurt him and see him in pain, the same pain written on his face that I had experienced, it did not make me feel better. Just the contrary, it hurt me too. I didn’t want to continue this way. I didn’t want to continue to fight him, I wasn’t capable. I unlocked the door to my flat and went inside:
‘Megan, I’m not married!’
I turned around to see his face. I could not believe what I had just heard. I was certain that he had made his choice and it was that other woman. Why had he left me otherwise? Why would he post those photos with the ring on Facebook if it were not true? I turned to see whether he was mocking me and to sense the irony or sarcasm in his words. But the expression on his face showed only guilt and pain. Telling me this, he was not even trying to ease my anger or to improve his position or provoke me. He was just announcing a fact in response to my question. Nothing more. I went inside, took my luggage and left the door open – a sign that he could enter too. There was no point in playing games. I had no strength left for that. I knew that Phillip was here to talk to me and maybe it was best to hear what he had to say. There were traces of doubt, curiosity and even some hope in the last sentence. Stop! I did not want to set a spark to such fantasies in my mind. I had spent enough time keeping myself together after he had left. I owed it to myself this time to me more cautious and moderate. Phillip understood my signal and followed me. I took off my shoes and, without looking at him, asked:
‘Do you want some tea, or whiskey perhaps?’
‘Tea, please!’
Phillip
I wanted to go to her and grab her. I wanted to feel her. To feel the touch of her skin next to mine. To feel her hair, falling on my hand. To feel her hot lips merged into mine. To wipe away the pain in her eyes that I had caused. I had spent the entire night in the corridor in front of her flat. Most of the time I had been awake between short naps. I knew that she would not come back during the night, wherever she was. But at the same time, I had no idea what to do. I wanted to see her as soon as possible. And not waste time, but to tell her immediately what had happened to me, to say that I was sorry right away and to try to fix things.
All sorts of scenarios ran through my mind. Where she might be, with whom, what her reaction was going to be when she came back home to find me standing in front of her door. When Daniel called, I had not planned for her to hear my voice. We had agreed that he would just find out where she was and when she would be coming back. But when I heard her voice at the other end of the line I could not help myself and took the phone out of Daniel’s hand. I wanted to hear her voice so badly, I so badly wanted to feel her close to me. I went crazy. I wasn’t thinking. At the same time, I did not expect that she would disconnect the line completely. I called a thousand times after that. No connection. I could imagine what I had triggered. She was in shock. But also anger. Rejection. Confusion. I had disappeared from the face of the earth without any explanation and without even saying “goodbye”. I had reappeared in the same way. Again, without any warning. Once I had caused havoc in her life and now, coming back a second time, I had done the same.
I had spent the entire night on the stairs in front of her flat and again and again I re-wound the last thing my grandma had told me when she was seeing me off: ‘Phillip, before doing anything I would like you to step into the shoes of that girl. Try to imagine how you would feel if she had turned you down this way, without explanation, without a reason. Then try to imagine how you might feel when you found out that she had said “yes” to another man and was getting married. Imagine how you would react and then compare it to her reactions, with her letters so very sincere and deep. Then imagine how you would react if she were to show up after such a long time from nowhere again into your life.’
I had spent the entire night on the stairs in front of her flat. Although, during the flight and a few days before leaving America, I had time to imagine how Megan felt, I did not do it. Now I could no longer run from the challenges of my grandmother. The entire night I had played out different scenarios in my mind about how she might be feeling, what I should do, and for the first time I truly realized how much I had hurt this girl who had given me the dearest thing – her love. I knew perfectly well how much Megan loved me. I knew it. I had felt it every time she had looked at me. But only now, for the first time stepping into her shoes, I knew how I would have felt if she had left me the way I had done, I realized what I had caused her. And it pained me even more. I was on the verge of leaving. I passed through the entire spectrum of emotions. I was ashamed. I felt guilty. I was angry at myself. I was angry for being so stupid. I was angry for preferring to be closed up inside all that time instead opening up to the person I loved.
I had no idea how long I spent on the stairs in front of her flat and had not noticed that it was already getting light outside. I was so enthralled in the different scenarios in my mind – how things could have developed differently and how they would unfold from now on, when Megan saw me after all that time and after all that insult, pain and disappointment. I was afraid that she would reject me and would not even want to speak to me. I was afraid that the love that had previously flowed from her eyes, and her feelings towards me would never return. I was afraid, but was ready to endure everything that was about to happen. I only knew that I was obligated to do everything in my power to fight for her again. Otherwise, I would regret it for the rest of my life; my stupidity and fear.
When I heard her coming back and saw her back, so small, so weak, so fragile, I could hardly stop myself from moving towards her and hugging her from behind. But I knew that this was not the way after so much time. I knew that I owed her much more; apologies, explanations, more time and space, the right to choose, the right to accept me back again or to reject me.
Once again, I was convinced that Megan was wiser than me. Once again, I saw that she was more responsible than me. If I were her, I would not have invited me into her apartment. Probably, I would have slammed the door in my face. When she turned around and I saw her face after all that time, I was overwhelmed with enormous love and remembered how unique our relationship was. But the following moment I saw the coldness in her eyes. I didn’t know what was going on in her head right
then and in her heart and she gave me no indication.
I Choose You, Love Page 28