‘So, the tequila did its job.’
‘Most probably it did,’ I smiled.
‘I want to come in. I want to talk. In peace. No commitments, no accusations. Just have some tea and talk about the birds.’
I considered whether I was ready to hold this conversation with him. The past week had been a week of conflicting emotions, but I felt much calmer. The poison was out of my system and I felt reborn. Yes, I was ready.
‘You’ve always been so bloody arrogant. It’s too much.’
‘Declaring one’s wishes is not insolence but standing up for oneself. I’ve always told you that you must learn to do it. Here in Bulgaria people are afraid of declaring their wishes openly for fear of being considered insolent. And afterwards, when the other person does not respond to the unspoken desires they are angry and annoyed. This is the psychology of paranoid people – being ready to accept rejection even before declaring one’s wishes.’
‘Are you really talking about philosophy and the psychology of the Bulgarian people now? Seriously!?’
‘This is some advice for you, to be more proactive in declaring your wishes.’
‘I declared my wish for you to leave.’
‘Well, it doesn’t always work,’ for the first time in a while I saw the wide, childlike smile on his face. It was so sweet and nice. Both of us were relaxed and talking about things different than our predicament. ‘You’ve moved the furniture. It’s nice. I like it.’
‘Coffee or tea?’
We had a cup of tea, then another. All the time we were talking about general stuff, light memories. Memories with no emotional intensity. He asked me about my friends he had met. We talked about Daniel. Our jobs. We talked about our travels, politics, nature, even psychology. About everything. I could not say how many different topics we covered and how much time passed. Perhaps all the topics and memories that did not concern us directly. Suddenly, we were silent. We looked through the window. By now, the world outside was wide awake. It was getting noisier. People were going on their Saturday spring walks. Suddenly out of the blue I decided to ask him:
‘A boy or a girl?’
He was startled. He did not expect such a question. He looked at me inquiringly, assessing whether to let the question pass unnoticed and to redirect the conversation towards a safer topic. He was also enjoying the time spent together. Or to answer? Evidently, he decided that he was obliged to answer, since I had brought up the topic.
‘A boy,’ he kept on staring at me. He was evaluating my reaction. He looked like a grown-up focused intently on a toddler learning to walk, expecting them to fall at any moment and ready to jump up and catch them to prevent them from getting harmed.
‘Have you decided on a name yet?’
‘We do not talk about this a great deal.’
For the first time I realized what was going on in Phillip’s life, in the life of the man that I had loved so strongly and deeply and perhaps I still loved. For the first time I realized that Phillip was no less hurt than me because of what had happened in his life, no less confused than me because of the unexpected events. He had focused entirely on how he had ruined our love, our relationship. On how to bear the responsibility towards the family he didn’t want, the duty towards the child he had mistakenly conceived and not on what was going to happen in reality. He didn’t even consider the child, his child, as an individual. He perceived it only as an obstacle that entangled him in a relationship he didn’t choose or want. I felt sorry for him. I pitied him for the deadlock he was in and the false focus. I felt sorry for the mother of the child for having to go through the difficult path of motherhood alone. I felt sorry for the unborn child of whom at this point Phillip was unaware and even rejected. Then I turned to him, took him by the hand he had placed on the table next to the empty cup, and said:
‘Phillip, this is your child. You know perfectly well that everything in this world happens for a reason. We have all had to live through these events for one reason or another. All of us involved in this situation have learned our lessons, we both received and delivered. But the outcome, regardless of how our relationships develop in the future, is that this human being shall be brought into the world and it has decided to appear right at this moment and has chosen you for its parents. You are going to miss this moment. You are about to become a father. For the first time in your life you are about to hear a small human being calling you “dad”. To be his guardian, mentor, custodian, to bestow him with all your love. You are going to be a father. I was both angry and loathed and cursed the ironic fate many times and how things turned out. There are tight knots in our lives right now, while several months ago I believed that my life had entered the easiest, brightest, and clearest part. What could go wrong?’ I smiled at myself. ‘But the knot was right there before our very eyes. We didn’t even see it but bumped into it head-on. Now it is up to us to untie the knot and to decide where to be afterwards. We could all go on our separate ways, away from each other. Phillip, the most important thing you must never forget is that you are going to have a child. It doesn’t matter if you will not live together with the mother of the child. Times have changed and it is not something extraordinary, unheard of and immoral for the parents to live separately. But this does not mean that you have to give up on the child if you decide to give up on the mother. This child is your son. You don’t have to love his mother in order to love him. But it is imperative to respect each other and to understand each other for the child’s sake. Do not discard this human being just because you dislike the way your life unfolded. The child is not to blame. Your duty is to provide him with the best you are capable of. I’m sure that you’ll be the best, most caring and loving father the moment you set eyes on that child and cease to look at him as a problem.’
The entire time while I was talking Phillip was motionless. His hand beneath mine had gone rigid. His face was as if carved out of stone. As if I was talking to a statue. The more I said, the more his eyes filled with tears. Right then, they streamed down his face. For the first time he had allowed himself to break the chains he had placed on his heart and was looking at this child now with different eyes, as something real and not only an idea. The child of a mother whom he didn’t want to spend his life with. Although deep inside he had acknowledged that this was his child, he had preferred to deny these thoughts so that he did not have to come face to face with reality. Phillip started crying, took his hand away from mine and hid his face with both hands. I could not stand the spectacle, his pain, his enlightenment and embraced him. I wanted to bear his agony. I didn’t want to see him suffer as he was doing. He turned and hugged me like a child.
‘Thank you, Megan! I thank you from the bottom of my heart.’
Chapter 50
We were that close to crossing the line we had put between us, but we managed not to. We were both so close. After recovering from the conversation about the child, Phillip realized how intimate I had allowed him to be and looked at me profoundly and deeply in the eyes. His gaze was filled with question marks, exclamation marks and ellipses. His eyes were filled with questions, looking for answers but this suddenly cleared up, as he realized that this was not the time.
Right then, if Phillip had come closer to me, if he had kissed me or carried me into the bedroom, I could not have resisted him. The closeness between us after all that time warmed my body, my soul. I felt like a sailor coming home to his wife, and like the sailor’s wife. I felt at home. This closeness dimmed my mind and dulled my fears, and I was ready to devote myself to him.
But Phillip was no fool, he didn’t want to win over my body. He didn’t want to gain a moment after which I would slam the door into his face with even greater firmness than before. He wanted much more. Therefore, with great effort he kissed me on the forehead, hugged me dearly and said that it was better he left. I could only imagine what a volcano of emotions erupted in his soul right then. I knew what was happening in mine – chaos, lover’s disarray, passion, de
sire, fear, compassion, even displeasure. All these emotions were brimming, ready to overflow.
Phillip had left five minutes ago; I was still sitting on the chair in the kitchen and was afraid to think. I just stayed there, staring into space when the phone rang. An unknown caller. Had he decided to start with the deliveries again!? I didn’t want to go through that phase again. I picked up the phone with visible irritation. But it wasn’t the courier. It was him.
‘Megs, do you want to go out for a walk in the park with me. I think we would be able to spend some pleasant moments in the open without feeling pressured.’
‘I do,’ I said without thinking, the answer just came out of my mouth before I had processed it. ‘I’m coming in a second. Wait for me at our place.’
The moment I said “our place”, I wondered if I was not rushing again towards something I didn’t want. But then I discarded the notion. Now was not the moment to analyze. I just knew that I wanted to spend a few more minutes with Phillip, come what may.
Phillip
For the first time in a long time I smiled heartily and truly. I had called to invite her for a walk in the park and was certain that she would turn me down. I didn’t even believe she would pick up the phone. Perhaps, she hadn’t memorized my number. Or maybe we had made unexpected progress. My sweet little girl surprised me again.
Our place – she said “our place”. Was she thinking again in terms of ’“us”? I was certain she had not erased everything that connected us, but I feared that she had locked me out and she would never allow me to enter her life again. There was no future for me at all.
And she said “our place”. I was so happy I wanted to jump, to cry, to do somersaults. I loved her so much, and now I had the chance to make everything good again.
Then I pondered on what she had said about my child. Yet again, Megan proved to be braver than me. What was the price she had to pay in order to tell me all this? What was the price she had to pay, knowing that the man she loved was expecting a child from another woman? But she had disregarded herself and her feelings about this child in order to make me see the truth. The reality that I had refused to see. I was ashamed. I was angry at myself. But at the same time, I felt this pleasant vibe for the first time. I was going to be a dad. I was going to be called “daddy” soon. I smiled. I was thrilled at the possibility of holding in my arms a small, helpless being, having no clear idea what I was supposed to do, which would depend on me for protection, shielding and unconditional love. I came to acknowledge for the first time that I was capable of doing it. I could give him the best I could offer – for his own sake and for mine, regardless of what was happening between his mother and me. And regarding Dana… after all, there was a time I had loved her truly and strongly. What had happened between us was a mistake. I had no suspicion that she had orchestrated the whole situation, because she was as confused as me when she found out. I knew how strongly she wanted a child and she had focused all her attention on him, regardless of my opinion and my decision. Even when I told her about Megan and that I could not marry her and live as a family for the child’s sake, she listened patiently and accepted my decision with readiness. She supported me in my choice and said that she would always be there for me and that I had to fix the mess of my personal life. Dana wanted this child and was intelligent enough and confident that she could cope perfectly well on her own. For the first time since the start of this affair I truly felt respect for Dana. Formerly, I had rejected not only the child but Dana too, as its mother. For the first time I managed to admit the idea of the child and its mother, and allowed myself to feel happy about this fact, without fear of failure, without prejudices that both the mother and the child were an obstacle or a burden.
I saw her coming from afar. In a hurry. She was as impatient to see me as I was to approach her. I started walking towards her to shorten the distance between us as much as possible. We met and embraced. It was impulsive and not premeditated. Our embrace was firm and long. The embrace of two friends who had not seen each other for ages and had missed each other. Perhaps, for the first time we were ready to meet openly without fear, guilt, regrets. For the first time we allowed ourselves to feel this pure love between us which grew stronger with every minute.
I believed there were no random things in this world, the same way I believed that Megan and I were made for each other. Somewhere along the way, I allowed doubts to overpower me. But now again I had taken the steering wheel in my own hands and I knew that we would be together. So, everything we had experienced in the past couple of weeks was for our own good. It seemed that now our love was stronger, deeper and more conscious for both of us.
We spent some time together. I don’t know how long. I only know that I felt at peace and composed and with a sense of belonging. Nothing happened and we didn’t talk about anything serious. The conversion was light, pleasant and funny. There were many moments of silence too; we immersed ourselves in our own worlds, but it wasn’t awkward, uneasy or alarming. Just the opposite, Megan’s company calmed me because I saw that she was calm as well.
Indeed, nothing of note happened until I crossed the line again. It was so pleasant for both of us, I could see it in her conduct and in her eyes. Then suddenly, I couldn’t help myself seeing her resting on the grass, catching the sun. I bent down and kissed her. It was something so natural. I needed to feel her lips. But she was shocked and pushed me aside. She placed her hand on her lips and looked at me in fright, even panic. Her pupils were dilated and showed a range of emotions, but mostly fear. For sure, I had crossed the line and she was not ready to allow such intimacy. I had rushed and ruined this beautiful moment we were both experiencing. Her reaction was swift. She jumped up from the grass. And she didn’t even say “goodbye”. She simply left. I followed her, but she halted, turned around and expressly told me she wanted to be alone.
This was how I unwittingly put an end to this beautiful Saturday afternoon. I shouldn’t have forced myself on her. I should have waited for her to make the first move. As long as it was necessary. I owed it to her. She was just opening up to me. Even faster than I had anticipated. And once again, I’d managed to screw everything up. Such a jackass. Was I a teenager who could not control himself instead of giving her the time she needed? After everything she had endured because of me, after all the various emotions and facts she had become aware of faster than me. I was angry with myself. But what was done was done. I couldn’t turn back time. Simply, I had to rewrite the plan. I wanted Megan back in my life as soon as possible, but I was also ready to give her all the time necessary for her to feel at ease and happy in order to take her decision with confidence and not under pressure. I decided that I also deserved a break and had just got back home when the phone rang. Megan!
‘Megs!’
‘Look, I have no idea what you were thinking kissing me like that, but I didn’t like it. I was under the impression that we could spend a nice, peaceful Saturday together. It proved I was wrong. It can’t happen! You and me, we’re not friends. We’re not old acquaintances. We’re much more than that. And the history we have together carries a burden. I just can’t close my eyes to what happened. I’m already past the time when I blamed you for everything. But I’m still far from thinking that there could be something between us again. Phillip, I don’t want you to stay in Bulgaria, hoping it might happen. I don’t want you to live with that hope. More so, I believe I’m ready to move on my own and not with you. Once I loved you more than I loved myself. I let you come close; closer than anyone else. But now I’m a completely different person. I don’t want you in my life again. I’m not even ready to contemplate such a possibility. And because I know how stubborn you can be, Phillip, and that you would persist in attempting to do anything to achieve your goal, I have decided to leave. I don’t want you interfering in my life anymore.’
‘Megs, I’m sorry, truly! I jumped too soon.’
‘No, you didn’t. That’s what I’m trying to explain to you. I
don’t think that I will ever let you into my life again, ever. I don’t want to live through those things again. They are enough for one lifetime.’
‘What do you mean “those things”, Megan? You won’t live through such things ever again. I would never allow myself to hurt you that way again.’
‘As far as I know, your previous actions were not motivated by the intention of hurting me either.’
‘I mean to say that this time I’ll do everything with the intention of protecting you; I behaved stupidly in the past, like a coward, childishly.’
‘I don’t want to talk about the past. The past is over and done. Now, right at this moment, I want to move on and I want to be away from you. I believe you deserve to hear it, although I don’t owe you a thing. But still… I love you. I don’t want you to hear it from someone else. Farewell, Phillip.’
‘Megs, wait! Where are you going, for how long?’
‘These are things you don’t need to know, but it will be for a long time.’
‘What do you mean “long”? Why are you running away? This is escapism. Don’t you see that you are shutting yourself in your shell again, shivering at the belief that someone might love you again. It was like that at the start but then in time you were ready to acknowledge that you needed a change. Now your pain is not ripe but raw. To love means being able to bear pain. To love even means being ready to lose. When you lose, there is pain. But would you change anything in the past in order to prevent the pain? Would you erase our friendship, would you obliterate me from your life if you could stop the pain that I caused you?’ I heard her crying at the end of the line and my heart was breaking. I wanted to be next to her, to put my arms around her, to kiss away the tears. I wanted to protect her from everything, including myself. But she wasn’t ready to let me in again.
I Choose You, Love Page 31