by Jenn Hype
Still, even with all the duds, I still loved dating. The rush, the nerves, the excitement. Deep down all I wanted was my happy ever after. My ex did a damn good job making sure I never got it, though. Even if I found a guy worth a second date, I wasn't sure I would have the courage. My self-esteem in regards to men was pretty damn low. In general my self-esteem tended to fluctuate.
See, I'd always been complicated when it came to valuing myself. One minute I was sassy and confident, and the next I was unsure and timid. It gave everyone close to me whiplash and played a large role in why I didn't have many friends. Everyone assumed I was being dramatic or fishing for compliments, but really, I just had a lot of self-doubt.
Of course, all teenagers are weighed down with loads of insecurity, but mine ran a little deeper. I never really could pinpoint why. Maybe a psychiatrist could figure it out, or maybe there was no specific reason. I had loving parents who showered me with affection and the best older brother and sister anyone could ask for. As a kid life was easy. It wasn't until junior high that things started to get hairy.
"You are so high maintenance."
Josi's voice startled me and I screamed.
Clutching my chest and trying to regulate my breathing, I threw a glare her way. "That key was meant for emergencies. You can't just let yourself in here and give me heart attacks whenever you want."
My dear, loving sister just rolled her eyes.
"If I don't come in here to hurry you along then you'll never finish getting ready. I know how easily you get distracted."
Guilty.
"I'm actually almost ready, thank you very much."
A few more swipes of mascara to accent my cat eyeliner and I was good to go. I left the bathroom to find Josi cleaning my room.
"I'd get irritated at you for trying to clean up in here, but if you don't then it'll never happen."
"You need a maid. God knows you can afford one now."
"Not really," I argued. "I mean, we're making good money but it's not like I'm rolling in dough. Plus, we're investing a lot of our profits towards opening a store. It costs a freaking fortune to own property in New York. I don't know how CJ affords it."
"Everything about CJ is a mystery," Josi muttered, intentionally avoiding my eyes. Such a damn hypocrite. None of us even knew what she did for a living, only that she disappeared for weeks at a time. No matter how many times I tried to get her drunk so I could pry information out of her, it never worked. The woman was a damn vault.
Both her and CJ were my total opposite. Where they kept everything about their lives a secret, I wore my heart on my sleeve. I'd always been an over-sharer, which led to me constantly babbling on without being prompted. Over the years I'd learned to keep most - okay, maybe just a few - of my thoughts inside. In fact, I'd gotten pretty close to myself. Me and my brain had some really great conversations. We were both entertaining as all get out.
“Clara,” Josi yelled. “Are you going to stand there doing that weird thing where you have a conversation with yourself or can we leave sometime in this decade?”
Pffft.
Like I’m the only one who talks to themselves. I mean, I probably do it a lot more than most people, but that doesn’t mean-
“Clara!”
“Right! Right. Sorry.”
Twenty minutes later and we were walking into the bar where my business partner and best friend, Paige, along with Blake, my brother's fiancée, and her sister Michelle were waiting for us. They'd managed to snag a big high-top table and were all already nursing a drink. The waitress came over to take mine and Josi's orders as soon as we reached the table.
"Right on time!" Blake cheered.
My brows furrowed and I clicked on the button to illuminate my phone's screen.
"We're twenty minutes late."
All the girls shared a secret look.
"We always tell you an earlier time than we plan to meet because you're always late."
I threw my hands in the air. "Seriously?! That's messed up!"
Not one of them seemed to give a damn about my outrage.
"So tell us about the latest date Liam ruined. I heard a little from Malcolm but I know there has to be more to it than what Liam relayed," Blake said.
The waitress sat my Amaretto Sour in front of me and I took a long pull through the tiny straw.
"I don't know, guys. Every person I meet is a giant dillhole."
Michelle snorted then threw her hand over her mouth. "Don't make me laugh right when I'm about to take a drink! I just snorted my Appletini up my nose."
We all chuckled as she grabbed a napkin and started cleaning up her face.
"You keep meeting dillholes because you choose dillholes to date," Jo offered with a pointed look.
"It's not intentional! If I'm really doing that on purpose, it's subconscious. Why would I purposefully sabotage myself anyway? It's not a secret that I'm looking for a man to settle down with."
The minute the question left my lips I wanted to snatch it back and cram it back into my mouth. Self-sabotaging when it comes to relationships had always been a specialty of mine. Though I swear to you, it is never, ever on purpose. I just can't seem to help myself. With men and with friendships, I always find a way to ruin a good thing. Usually with my neurosis. People don't tend to appreciate the neurotic side of me.
"I know why you self-sabotage!" Michelle said excitedly, raising her hand in the air like a student trying to get called on for an answer.
"You're going to school for your RN, not trying to get a degree in psychology," Blake said flatly.
Michelle shrugged. "I've taken a lot of psychology classes. Get annoyed all you want, but you know I'm good at psychoanalyzing people."
Blake rolled her eyes but relented. "It's true, she's good at reading people. The problem is she's always telling people about themselves even when they don't ask. Try hanging out with her when she walks up to randos on the street and tries to give them advice."
My head fell back and I barked out a laugh. "You're one to talk, B. You butt your nose into everything. You're just as bad."
Blake mock-glared at me so I gave her an exaggerated smile big enough to take up my whole face.
"Anyway," Michelle interjected. "It's a pretty common issue. When you want something so badly and for so long, you start being afraid it'll just disappoint you. That it won't be all you dreamed it to be. Or, you're afraid you'll never get it at all. That maybe you don't have what it takes and your dream will never come to fruition."
I tossed back the rest of my drink and flagged down our waitress. Getting drunk wasn't something I did very often, but if people were going to start pointing out my deepest, darkest fears then I definitely needed to be intoxicated.
"I kind of hate you now," I told Michelle flatly. She just smirked.
"Well then, prepare to hate me even more," she taunted with a wink. "You pick guys you know you'll never, ever like enough to want a future with. If I had to guess, I'd say you had a relationship in the past that only amplified these fears."
Nailed it.
"You suck."
All the girls laughed while I pouted.
"Don't worry, Michelle. Clara's anger is about to be re-directed towards me," Josi said, sipping her drink and trying to look innocent.
It took me two seconds to figure out what she meant when a group of men started walking our way. Large, imposing men. In other words, my brother and his crew. It was too dark to make out all their faces, but I knew Josi wouldn't have suggested I'd be pissed unless Liam were in attendance.
All the men fanned out around our table. I said hi to most of them before pulling out my phone and pretending to look busy. I doubted I'd be able to avoid Liam all night, but I could damn well try.
"Clara."
Liam whispered my name, his mouth so close that his lips touched the shell of my ear. The bar was insanely loud, yet I knew it was him. I could feel it all the way down to the marrow of my bones. My body reacted to him in way
s it never had to any other man. I hated it.
"Go away," I grumbled, thankful my voice didn't come out all breathy and husky. My panties were definitely wet. Which actually made me feel a little gross. Plus I didn't have any clean ones at home to change into, so that sucked. I needed these to stay dry.
Liam chuckled, and damn him, but his hot breath on my bare neck sent a shiver down my spine. A shiver so big I couldn't hide it. No way he didn't notice. And I couldn't blame it on being cold, because it was noticeably warm in the bar.
So badly I wished I could be brazen enough to flirt with him. To have the confidence to act on how much I clearly wanted him physically. Even if I could bring myself to have casual, meaningless sex, it would never happen with Liam. He'd been with dozens of women. Not only did that disgust me, but it fueled my insecurities. I had no clue what a man wanted in the bedroom. Someone like him would be expecting a lioness, not a kitten.
Plus, I had rules when it came to flirting. No need to get worked up - I plan to sate your curiosity now.
One - I never flirted with someone I was actually interested in. It gave them the wrong idea all around. Blatant flirts tend to be viewed as experienced and confident. I was neither. The flirting was just a natural part of my personality. Again, only when there was no attraction. Because...
Two - Whenever I tried to flirt with someone I liked, I failed. I failed hard. I got weird and awkward. I'd blurt out things about me that should never be said aloud. It was a nervous habit of mine. Instead of finding it adorable and endearing like they should have, it typically scared men away. Wusses.
Three - I wanted a man to be interested in me for reasons other than the possibility of getting me in their bed. If I gave the impression that sex was an option then I'd only be misleading them. Because... Drumroll please... I was a virgin. And I had no plans of that changing until after I was married.
To sum up - I had no business indulging my attraction to Liam in any way.
Jumping off my stool, I put some distance between us before spinning on the heels of my favorite canary yellow Manolos and looking directly into the eye of the enemy. The shiver that snaked down my spine? Promptly ignored. When in doubt? Deny. Deny. Deny.
“Get lost, pretty boy.”
One perfect eyebrow arched over his dark, beautiful eyes. Eyes framed by thick, ridiculously long eyelashes. Why do men always have such great eyelashes? They can’t appreciate them and women do crazy stuff to get lashes men just take for granted. So annoying.
“Pretty boy? That’s a new one.”
I rolled my eyes like a twelve-year-old. But it was either that or drool all over him, because dayum… If anyone had good reason to be a cocky son of a bitch, it would be Liam.
If you asked anyone who ever knew me whether or not I was a confrontational person, they'd all laugh their asses off. Because I wasn't. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to get along with everyone. But when it came to Liam? Everything changed. He got under my skin like no one ever had.
And while I was normally quick with witty retorts where Liam was concerned, his…everything had me all mixed up. The part of my brain that should have been jumping in to save me had fallen into a lust-induced coma. Damn the man, but he looked better than I'd ever seen him. Jeans that looked soft and worn and hugged his body in all the right places. A simple black henley with the sleeves pushed up, showcasing his corded forearms. He left a couple buttons undone at the neck and while on most men it would look sleezy, on Liam it looked sexy as hell. Just enough of his chest peeked through that you could tell nothing but hard, taut muscles lay underneath the cotton fabric. Combine all that with his tousled hair and you had yourself a panty-combusting combination. No man should look that sinful in something so simple. He didn't even have to try and he oozed sex appeal.
A glance around the room proved my theory. Every woman in the bar stared his way, the desperation evident on their faces. They wanted him. And the possibility of him taking one of them home was high. It's what he did. The idea made me sick to my stomach.
Not wanting to face the reasons behind my sudden nausea, I darted over to the dance floor and plastered myself against the first halfway attractive man I found. With my eyes closed and the bass pounding in my ears, I could almost pretend Liam didn't affect me.
Almost.
CHAPTER FOUR
Liam
Watching Clara grind on some dude? Not high on my list of shit I wanted to be doing that night. Or ever. But CJ threw me a look that said I needed to intervene.
If only he knew how badly I wanted his sister. How hard I got just thinking about her. How much she tested my self-control. It made me feel like a total asshole, because if he did know the truth, he wouldn't even let me near Clara. He was trusting me to look after her, and I was. Unfortunately it felt like lately the one she needed protecting from the most was me.
Clara deserved everything she ever wanted. It just so happened what she wanted was a husband and that would never be me. After my mom walked out on me and my dad when I was ten, he changed. He loved my mom more than anything and her abandoning us broke something inside of him. Instead of turning to alcohol or drugs to cope, he chose to indulge in women. Lots of women. The sluttier the better. He was bitter and jaded and he made sure to remind me constantly that women weren't meant to be kept around.
Being a naive, impressionable kid, I'd listened. But as I aged, the more I saw my father for who he was. While he'd obviously influenced me enough to make commitment sound like punishment, I didn't use women the way he did.
Seeing Clara swatting away a guy trying to be way too handsy than acceptable snapped me out of my head and back into action. A few long strides were all it took to reach them and before I could think better of it, I had the guy by the collar of his shirt.
"When a woman makes it obvious she's not interested, you back off. Understand?"
Behind me Clara's tiny fists punched my back, demanding I put the asshole down. I ignored her, which made her punch harder.
When he didn't answer my question, not even with a nod, I shook him a little.
"Yes, yes! I understand!" He cried out like a pathetic little shit.
I made sure to shove him when I let go. "Good. Now go away."
He scurried off and I finally acknowledged Clara's fury.
"Not sorry. He had it coming. He's lucky I got here before CJ or that would have gone a lot worse for him."
Her eyes darted over to the table where CJ stood shooting daggers our way. His expression never changed but he gave me a slight nod of approval, which I returned. Clara rolled her eyes and huffed.
"Men are so damn annoying. I had things under control."
"I'm sure you did," I said in a patronizing tone.
She lifted her hand to slap me, but I caught it and used it to tug her body towards mine. She yelped and tried to fight me off at first, but when my arm wrapped around her waist and trapped her she finally gave up.
"It's okay for you to manhandle me but no one else?"
"Exactly."
Another huff and a little foot stomp. She wasn't trying to push me away but she was stiff as a damn board, refusing to dance with me. Grabbing her wooden arms, I forced them around my neck.
"Relax," I ordered softly, my lips almost touching her ear.
I could tell she was trying hard to keep her body from responding, but when I ran my nose along the shell of her ear, she started to relax. With her body molded to mine there was no way she couldn't feel the effect she had on me. To her credit, she didn't say anything. Slowly her body started moving in tandem with mine.
I wondered how we looked to everyone else in the room. To me the whole thing felt sensual and seductive. If she were any other woman, what we were doing would be a precursor to sex. But this was Clara. No matter how bad I wanted her in my bed, I'd never even attempt to get her there. Only bad shit would ever come of that.
Reminding myself that CJ was nearby helped bring me back to reality. I started to pull back, but
the softest moan left her mouth and just like that, I was back in our little bubble where we were the only two people who existed.
More and more people joined us on the dance floor, creating a wall, contributing to the illusion of privacy. Being a bar and not a club there wasn't a lot of room for dancing anyway and we were forced to press together even tighter.
She smelled like cherries and vanilla and one deep inhalation with my nose buried in her hair was all it took to completely fry my brain. Next thing I knew my mouth made contact with her neck. She tasted even better than she smelled.
But that quick kiss broke the spell and Clara jerked back. Eyes wide as saucers and mouth slack, she stared at me in total shock.
"I-I'm. I'm sorry. I didn't-"
In a flash Clara disappeared into the crowd of people, leaving me standing there alone and feeling like a total ass. My eyes darted around the room to see if anyone had witnessed what just happened, but everyone still sat around the table, engrossed in conversation.
I couldn't rejoin the group until I'd calmed down and gotten a hold of myself, so I made a beeline to the bathroom.
“The fuck was that?”
The rhetorical question asked to the mirror went unanswered by my reflection.
Splashing cold water on my face, I wished I could head home and take a cold shower and take a long look at my life. I was fucking everything up. Not only would acting on my attraction to Clara cost me my job, it'd likely cost me my friends, too. Jade Securities had become my home, the men my family. Not only was I happy there, but I fucking needed it. For the first time in my entire fucking life, I had security and stability. And I was about to give all that up, for what?
It hit me then. Maybe I wasn't dangerous to Clara, but she was dangerous to me. I'd been confident I could keep myself in check. Yeah, she was fucking gorgeous, but I'd met hundreds of gorgeous women. Maybe it was just that I couldn't have this one. Her being off limits likely intensified my want for her. It also didn't help that I hadn't slept with anyone in months.