Stupid Smart

by Jenn Hype

  Her armed looped through mine, and before I could wrench it away and shove her as far away from me as possible, someone with a camera came up to us and asked us to smile. Instinct and years of my father ingraining his "never show emotion" policies took over and I managed to muster a pathetic excuse for a smile at the camera. Anyone who knew me at all would know that smile was fake as fuck. Strangers would buy it.

  After he was gone, I extricated myself from Leah and darted into the hotel lobby. My eyes searched the room for my father. He generally didn't care if I stayed, so long as I showed my face. While he found my profession shameful and hated that I'd chosen to go my own route instead of following through his footsteps, he still used me as a tool to earn points from others. Bragged about my time served, made me out to be some kind of hero. In reality, my stint overseas had been boring and uneventful aside from the one time my platoon had been canvasing a little abandoned town trying to track down insurgents. One lone shooter managed to take out two of my men and nearly blow my arm off before we took him down. I couldn't even be pissed because it turned out he was only a kid. Couldn't have been more than twelve years old.

  Lucky for me, the arm he'd hit was my left arm. Being right handed meant it did little to hinder my way of life. A few surgeries and several months of rehab and I almost had full function back. Still, it would cramp up from time to time, making certain situations unpredictable.

  Finding Jade Securities was like finding home. For the first time in my life, I belonged somewhere. I had a family.

  A grin tugged at my lips when I thought about how that family had recently expanded to include Clara. The idea that I might be invited to holidays at the Jade house filled me with an emotion I didn't recognize. They were your typical idealistic American family with their close bonds and traditions. I'd been around them enough to know they fit the mold easily. To get to experience that firsthand, even as an adult, would be something entirely new.

  "There he is!" My father's booming voice drew me back to the present. Unfortunately. I glanced up just in time to see him sidle up next to me, his hand clasping my shoulder and squeezing hard enough to force me to fight off a wince.

  "Nice of you to show up," he murmured low enough for only my ears. I knew better than to argue. Waste of time.

  "I want to introduce you to some colleagues of mine."

  In other words, he wanted to use me as a show pony to impress potential investors. Fucking hypocrite.

  The next hour of my life was spent wearing the fakest smile I could muster and trying not to die of boredom. Normally I'd have a few drinks to make it more bearable, but I wanted to go straight to Clara's when I left and I wanted to be totally sober for what I had planned for us.

  My mind drifted away from the conversation surrounding me and back to Clara for the thousandth time. I hated that she wasn't there with me. She likely would have found a way to make it enjoyable.

  I'd never had someone look at me the way she did. With such reverence and adoration. I felt important and valued. She trusted me, and that meant everything. Nothing about her was fake. The woman didn't have it in her to be fake. Even when she went out of her way to try and please people, she'd never do it at the sacrifice of her integrity. I'd watched her deal with dickheads and instead of enabling their behavior or going off on them - like they deserved - she would simply find a way to excuse herself from the situation. I'd also seen her call people on their bullshit too, though. Except Clara always managed to do it in a way that didn't seem rude or aggressive.

  My body started twitching, my skin hot and itchy. I wanted out of there. I hadn't been there long enough to keep from getting an earful of bullshit from my dad later, but fuck that. I was done. No matter what I did, I'd never have the love and respect from my father I'd always longed for. Why the hell would I continue to give him my time and energy? Maybe in the past when I didn't have anything better to do it didn't matter. But this stupid event was costing me a night with Clara, and that was not worth it.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket. When I pulled it out, I smiled immediately when I saw Clara's name flashing across the screen. Then quickly frowned when it occurred to me that she knew I'd be with my father and likely wouldn't be interrupting unless something was wrong.

  "Clara? Everything okay?"

  "Yeah, sorry. I know you're busy." The hesitation in her voice was clear, even though I could barely hear her over the big band playing some jazzy number.

  Moving further from the stage, I plugged my other ear to try and hear her better. "No, it's okay."

  "Clara, is something wrong?" I asked her again, though the music had gotten even louder when the band switched to an up-tempo number with lots of drums and a saxophone.

  "Liam," Leah purred from behind me. I'd been so focused on my phone I hadn't seen her follow me. I'd been dodging her all night.

  She whispered something provocative in my ear and giggled. With a rough shrug of my shoulders, I shook her off of me and tried to put space between us.

  "Yeah, no. I mean yes it's... Yes, I'm fine. I just-"

  Had she heard Leah? Clara definitely sounded off. I hated that I felt like I was betraying her somehow. While I hadn't exactly lied about where I'd be tonight, I hadn't been fully honest either. A heavy weight settled on my chest and a sense of foreboding cast a shadow over me.

  "It's really loud here. Can I call you as soon as I leave?"

  "Yeah, sure, gotta go," Clara said quickly, ending the call before I could respond.

  Leah yet again put her hands on me. This time her nails grazed the front of my dress pants where my very flaccid dick was. Even if I'd had an erection, Leah would have killed any and all arousal with her grabby hands.

  All sense of manners and politeness flew out the window. I'd hit my limit. Just the idea of any hands on me that didn't belong to Clara made me physically ill.

  "Take a fucking hint and get lost," I growled low enough that only Leah could hear me.

  Her head reared back, her mouth falling open. Like me, she'd been trained from birth not to make a scene and she wasted no time in schooling her expression. Though I could see her fighting to contain her anger.

  Yanking on my tie, I started towards the exit. I thought I could make a clean getaway and avoid an argument with my father since he'd been deep in conversation with another rich prick but seconds before I found freedom I heard my name being called.

  My head fell back and I groaned. Then I remembered I didn't owe my dad shit. I didn't have to wait on him or put up with his berating or dressing down, which he would have done very discreetly so as to not draw negative attention.

  Without looking back, I kept moving forward, ignoring him even as he yelled louder. It'd started raining since I'd arrived. I'd told the driver my dad had sent for me to not bother waiting around, so I had to flag down a taxi. Not wanting to hang out too close to the hotel in case my dad decided to follow me outside, I ran out into the rain.

  I'd be a wet mess when I showed up on Clara's doorstep but I didn't want to bother going home to change. Something was off. I could feel it in my bones. I needed to see her. Hold her. Reassure myself that whatever worry had started to manifest itself in my head was all manufactured by paranoia and guilt.

  Everything would be fine. Once I had Clara in my arms.

  ❖

  Clara's phone kept going to voicemail. It didn't even ring. Why would her phone be off?

  Despite the call never going through, I continued to hang up and dial her again the entire drive to her apartment. Maybe she just had no signal and one of my calls would go through. That's what I told myself, anyway, while the heavy ball of dread kept growing inside of my stomach.

  Though traffic was light, the drive felt long. My knee bounced, restless energy keeping me fidgeting in the backseat. The second the cab pulled up in front of her building I tossed a wad of twenties at the driver and flew out of the car.

  My phone rang and my breath caught, hoping it was Clara. When the number that
popped up turned out to be my dad's I furiously pounded the ignore button. As if he would feel my fury through my finger rejecting his call.

  Over and over I tapped the button for the elevator. I growled in frustration when seconds kept ticking by and the doors never opened.

  Too anxious to keep waiting, I sprinted towards the stairs. My phone rang again. Frustrated, I accepted the call.

  "Quit fucking calling me," I huffed as I took two steps at a time. My father's indignant voice was interrupted by me ending the call. If he called again I'd just turn my fucking phone off. I was done with the asshole whose only connection to me was our shared DNA. He'd never been a father. He didn't even deserve the title.

  Luckily my phone stayed quiet the rest of my jog up the stairs. I shoved through the door to her floor. When I reached her door I took a second to gather myself. Took a few calming breaths. Told myself to calm the fuck down. Even laughed at myself and the hysterics I'd worked myself into.

  She didn't answer after the first time I knocked. It hadn't occurred to me she might not be home. I knocked again and waited. Nothing. I was pulling my phone back out to call CJ and see if he knew where I could find her when the door opened.

  She'd only opened it a sliver, her head peeking through the small opening. I didn't even take the time to wonder why she hadn't thrown it open all the way and stepped aside so I could enter. The relief at just being near her had my lips turning into a relieved smile.

  The lights in her apartment were off and the dim light from the hallway barely illuminated her face. I took a step closer then froze when she still kept her door mostly closed.

  "Clara? Why are you-"

  She sniffled and my heart sank. I'd assumed the shadows beneath her eyes were due to lighting, but now I could tell... She'd been crying.

  "What's wrong?"

  I tried to go to her, but she shook her head, her eyes falling to the ground.

  "I can't right now," she choked out. The agony in her voice slayed me.

  "Are you hurt? Did something-"

  She shook her head again, her eyes reluctantly lifting to meet mine.

  "I saw you."

  My brows furrowed. "What?"

  "I saw you," she said, this time her voice a little surer. "On TV. Some local news station doing live coverage of some fancy event. And there on my television screen was the most handsome man I'd ever seen. With a beautiful woman on his arm. A woman who wasn't me."

  "Clara, I-"

  "Can explain?" She finished for me with a sad smile. "I'm sure you can. And later, maybe I'll let you. But right now? Right now I just need some time by myself."

  "Just let me in, Clara. Whatever you're thinking, I promise, it's way worse than the truth. Don't do this to yourself. To us. Just give me five minutes-"

  "I'm sorry." Her hand swiped at her cheek and while I couldn't see it, I knew it had been to wipe away a tear. I couldn't have possibly hated myself any more than I did in that moment. "I'm not mad at you. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling right now, to be honest. Which is why I need some time. This isn't even really about you."

  "Don't do that," I cut her off, a little bit of anger making its way past the guilt and self-hatred. "Don't feed me some bullshit excuse about how it's not me, it's you. Be angry at me. Punish me even. But don't shut me out."

  "I'm not!" She shouted, vehemence replacing the earlier trepidation and timidness. "I've sabotaged most of my relationships, I know that. But that's not what I'm doing now. Believe me or don't, but I'm being honest with you when I say that I need some time to myself. I can't keep looking for someone else to fix me. To complete me or make me whole. I can't give anyone all of myself until I figure out who the hell I even am."

  I'd never seen her so angry. Whenever we'd bicker or antagonize each other, she always had a hint of mischief in her eyes and a teasing tilt to her lips. Now? She just looked... defeated. It killed me that I couldn't just scoop her up into my arms and make it better. But I could tell if I tried it would only make things worse.

  Instead of saying anything, I gave her a curt nod and walked away. I could feel her eyes follow me to the elevator, but I forced myself not to look back.

  I wanted to yell at her to stop being so stubborn. To not shut me out. Push me away. I could help her. We could talk it out. Tackle this as a team. Chances were, though, if I'd tried to say anything, I would have fallen to my knees and just begged her not to struggle through this alone.

  Walking away, while so painful I could barely breathe, was my only option.

  Well, not entirely.

  When I hit the lobby of her building, I pulled out my phone and pulled up the number of the one person Clara might listen to. Even if I couldn't be the one comforting her, holding her, Clara deserved to have someone at her side.

  But damn, I wished she'd let it be me.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Clara

  Stupid stupid stupid.

  I continued to bang my head against my closed door long after Liam had left. Since my head was already pounding, courtesy of all the crying I'd been doing, I barely registered the pain of the wood hitting my forehead.

  He didn't believe me. I could see the doubt in his eyes. He thought I was angry and pushing him away for lying to me. Or, well, omitting vital information.

  I wasn't, though. Maybe at first that's what I'd intended to do. When I'd first buried my face in my pillow and began my pity party. I wanted to punish him, but mostly I wanted to punish myself for being stupid enough to hope. To hope that Liam would be different. That I could trust him not to hurt me.

  It didn't take long for my line of thinking to shift in the opposite direction.

  Could I really keep blaming everyone else for my pain? At what point did I need to finally acknowledge the fact that the common factor in all these scenarios was me?

  My expectations were too high. Unreasonable. So much of my happiness depended on factors outside of myself, things beyond my control. It wasn't healthy or reasonable.

  I didn't want to push Liam away entirely. But could I really ask him to wait? How long? And for what? I had no answers. I just knew I needed time. And asking him to hold on, to have faith, with no promised end date or outcome was unfair.

  Still, I couldn't bring myself to completely end things. Call me selfish or cowardly, but I just... couldn't. Despite all my epiphanies over the last hour and a half, the one thing I knew for certain was that I wanted Liam in my life. Under what capacity would be up to me.

  Or maybe not. Considering the fact that he'd mislead me about his whereabouts only to turn up with a gorgeous woman by his side...

  My head and heart continued to bicker. I almost felt like a bystander, playing witness to their constant arguing.

  If he really cared about her, he would have been totally up front.

  But we didn't hear him out. He cares about her. He likely had good reasons.

  What reasons are good enough to condone lying?

  We won't know unless we let him tell us!

  He doesn't deserve the chance to make excuses! How are we supposed to know whether or not whatever he said wouldn't be lies anyway!

  My crazy-girl inner ramblings were cut off by a knock on the door.

  I really need to install a peephole. If it was Liam, I didn't think I could turn him away again.

  "Let me in," Josi called out.

  With a groan I did as she asked.

  "Nice to see you too, little sis," she said sarcastically, brushing past me. After closing and locking the door, I followed her into my little kitchen. She was pulling junk food out of plastic grocery bags.

  "Do you guys have surveillance cameras inside my apartment that I don't know about?" I asked, pointing to the pint of ice cream she crammed into my freezer.

  "Nope. That's a good idea, though."

  I rolled my eyes and waited for her to tell me why she'd shown up unannounced, but she just kept digging more and more empty calories masked as comfort food from the seemingly bottomle
ss bags.

  "Life of the party, walking in," Blake announced from behind me, making me squeal.

  "How did you get in?"

  She held up her keys in answer.

  "That's an emergency key. You can't just go letting yourself into my apartment whenever you want. What if I'd been dancing around naked?"

  Blake quirked an eyebrow. "You do that often?"

  I sighed and crossed my arms.

  "I'd probably get nekked and join you, to answer your question," she said seriously. And I believed her. It did sound like something she would do.

  She'd left the door wide open. I went to close it again, only to find Paige strolling in.

  "What the hell is happening!?"

  No one even blinked an eye at my shouting. Blake was too busy pulling glasses out of my cabinets while Paige uncorked a bottle of Moscato, my favorite. Josi filled several bowls with chips, popcorn and various candies and once the glasses were filled to the brim, the trio carried all their goodies into my living room.

  None of them even glanced in my direction. They just made themselves comfortable on my sofa. Blake snatched up the TV remote and pulled up Netflix.

  Finally, Paige looked over to where I stood with my hands on my hips.

  "Sit down, take a drink, and then fill us in," Jo ordered in that big sister tone of hers she knew I hated.

  With a huff, I stomped over and plopped myself down onto the couch between Blake and Paige. It wasn't a big couch, so my ass landed more on their laps than the cushions and they both had to scooch over to make room.

  "Someone tell me why you're all here," I growled.

  Blake chuckled and shoved a handful of popcorn in her mouth.

  "Liam," Jo answered. I shot her a glare and she rolled her eyes before elaborating. "He called me when he left here. Said you needed your girls. Didn't give me any details. Said it was up to you what you wanted to share. He just didn't want you to be alone."

  My eyebrows hit my hairline.

  Not that I should have been surprised. Liam always did seem to know what I needed even before I did.