by Jenn Hype
I sighed and fell back, slouching down into the cushions.
"We've basically been inseparable since we started dating."
"No duh," Paige muttered teasingly.
"Tonight was the first night he said we couldn't meet up. Told me he had to go to dinner with his dad and he couldn't get out of it."
Tears welled in my eyes when I thought back to that conversation. I'd wanted so badly for him to invite me. To want to introduce me to his dad. And when he hadn't, I'd been devastated. But trying to be normal and casual, I hadn't said anything. I'd also spent a considerable amount of time trying to reassure myself that it didn't mean anything. That he was just as invested in the relationship as me. That there was likely a reason he didn't want to take that step yet. I just had to be patient.
"What he neglected to tell me was that the dinner was actually some big, fancy-ass charity event."
Paige nodded. "Yeah, I've been to like, hundreds of those. He probably didn't ask you to come with him to spare you the boredom. Trust me. Those things are torturous."
I loved Paige for knowing it was the lack of invite that upset me, but she didn't know all of it.
"Well, not being invited stung, but it's more how I found out about it that really upset me."
At some point the TV had been muted. Everyone had their attention on me. Even their hands were frozen inside the bowls of whatever snacks they held.
"I was flipping through channels and came across a news station covering the event. He was in the background, but it was clear as day that it was him standing on that red carpet. And he had a seriously beautiful woman all over him while they both smiled for the cameras."
Shocks, gasps and muttered curse words rang out through the quiet room. I snagged a glass of Moscato and downed it all at once. Screw sipping. Chugging was required.
"Do you know who she was? Maybe it wasn't anything romantic or sexual," Paige offered, a sympathetic smile on her face.
I shrugged. "I don't know. He tried to tell me but I wouldn't let him in."
"Why?" Jo asked.
My sister understood me better than anyone, but baring my insecurities was never easy. And Blake only knew the half of it. Though I knew none of them would judge me, it didn't make it any less embarrassing.
"I'm not even mad at him. My feelings are hurt, but I'm more upset with myself than anyone."
"Clara," Paige started, putting her hand on my arm to comfort me but I shook my head.
"Usually when something like this happens I would immediately assume the worst. Fall into a bout of depression and try to overanalyze every little detail, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I'd blame myself and eventually the self-doubt would become too strong for me to ignore and I'd find a way to sabotage the relationship before I could be hurt even worse."
Jo nodded her head solemnly. She knew my MO. For all my talk of wanting love, I ruined my chances of finding it every chance I got.
"Isn't that what you're doing now?" Blake asked genuinely.
"I know it seems like it," I answered on a sigh, "But it's really not. I think I just realized that I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect and to find perfection. My expectations are too high, my view of relationships idealized to the point of fantasy. I keep looking for the perfect man who will just do and say everything right and give me my happily ever after. Then I let fear and self-preservation kick in and destroy everything."
"So what does that mean for you and Liam?" Paige chimed in.
I shrugged again. "I don't know. I've got to figure out how to not let my own insecurities ruin everything. I need to find a way to start believing in myself instead of looking for validation from everyone else. I don't think I can be in a relationship until I get my shit together."
"So that's it? You and Liam are just... done?"
My eyes shot to Jo. She looked almost as sad as I felt.
"I hope not?" God, just the thought of not having Liam in my life made me ache. But he deserved to be with someone who could appreciate him instead of setting him up for failure. Someone who wouldn't fall apart at the drop of a hat or get their feelings hurt constantly. He was confident and sure. Good. He had it figured out. He deserved the same in return. Someone... Not like me.
"I..." I started then stopped, choking on the words. But I needed to get them out, so I forced them past the lump in my throat. "I think I love him."
Blake scoffed next to me and my head whipped to the side.
"What?" she asked, shrugging. "It's totally obvious. You've been in love with him pretty much since you met him."
"That doesn't really help," I said on a pout. No use in denying it.
Paige wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into her side. "I think you're being too hard on yourself. Even if you knew exactly what you wanted right this minute, it could change tomorrow. Everyone has insecurities and doubts themselves. The only way to make a relationship work is through communication. Which, I know, is totally cliché, but it's true. If you truly love Liam, I think you need to just tell him all of this. Spill your guts. Lay it all on the line. It's scary as hell, but at least then you'll know if he's up to the task of sticking it out with you through the hard times."
Blake and Jo murmured their agreement. Paige was right. Of course. I just... wanted a minute to get my head on straight. To organize my thoughts before I unloaded on Liam.
"I'll think about it," I said to mollify them. "Let's just focus on this impromptu girl’s night for now."
And just like that, without argument, my girls let it go.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Liam
"Do I need to kick your ass?" CJ growled the second I stepped foot into JS.
I rolled my eyes. "No, dickhead."
"Then explain to me why my fiancée had to bail on me last night to have a spur of the moment girl’s night with Clara," he asked while following me to the breakroom. It was early as fuck and I needed caffeine stat.
"Because I did something stupid," I answered honestly, taking a mug out of the cabinet and filling it to the brim. Thank God someone had already made a pot that morning. Probably Reed. He never fucking left his bat cave other than to come downstairs for coffee and since he pretty much lived at JS these days, he likely had already been down for his morning fix.
"So I do need to kick your ass."
Leaning against the counter, I looked at CJ over the lip of my mug as I took a long drag of the steaming liquid.
"You can't kick my ass every time I do something stupid. We're men. We do dumb shit all the time."
"This is different. If you broke my baby sister's heart-"
"Dude, lay off him," Malcolm said from the doorway. "If he deserved a beating then one of the girls would have already filled you in."
I fist bumped him to thank him for his support.
"So what the hell happened then?" CJ demanded with exasperation. Malcolm and I shared a grin just to piss him off. Getting CJ worked up was a favorite pastime of ours.
"Quit flirting with each other and fucking answer me."
That had us outright laughing.
Once the laughter died down, I filled the guys in. CJ bristled a few times but his face remained stoic.
When I finished, Malcolm was the first to speak up.
"Don't tell me you're just giving up now."
I shot him a glare so full of outrage he actually shrank back a little.
"Of course not, dumbass. Clara is it for me, whether she realizes it yet or not. I'm not going anywhere."
Reed chose that moment to join us, though he stopped short when he saw the room wasn't empty. Even after having worked with him a few years now, I barely knew the guy.
"You're all in early."
CJ looked at his watch. "It's nine in the morning."
Dark circles under Reed's tired eyes made him look much older than his twenty-seven years. His dark hair needed a trim, his scruff bordered on beard territory, and he looked like he'd lost some weight.
"Dude. You seriously need to hire someone to help you out with your workload. You look like shit," I told him honestly.
He gave me an annoyed look and made a beeline for the coffee.
"I'll hire someone when I find someone worthy of being hired," he argued, his voice hoarse. Probably because his vocal chords were rusty. Being all alone with only his computers to keep him company probably meant little use for speaking. Dude was a hermit.
"Are you at least actively looking?" Malcolm asked.
Reed shrugged, his back still to us. "I think I found someone but I have to track her down first."
"Her?" All three of us asked at once.
Reed tensed before spinning on his heel to face us. "That a problem? She's not ex-military, I don't think, but when it comes to my aspect of the job, I have to be more discriminatory. I can't wait for a vet with the right experience to become available."
"We weren't saying shit, man. And there are women in the military too, fuckwad, so that's not what surprised us," I retorted.
Reed lifted a sardonic eyebrow. "So it's not surprising that women could be soldiers, but it's surprising women could be good with computers?"
"Fuck's sake," I grumbled, running a hand down my face. But when I looked up again, Reed had a smile on his face. A small one, but it was there. "You're messing with me," I stated rather than asked. Reed nodded, a quick jerk of his head before leaving the room without another word.
"And as mysteriously as he came, he disappeared," Mal deadpanned.
CJ turned his focus back onto me. "So what's your plan?"
I couldn't help but smirk. "Need to know basis, my friend."
And with a wink I knew would piss off my boss, I left.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Clara
"Another delivery for you," Paige called out.
I sighed and put down my paint brush.
It'd been eight days since I'd last seen Liam. Eight days since he'd held me. Eight days since I'd felt his mouth on mine.
Eight days for me to realize that eight days equated to an eternity without him.
Flowers filled the front room of the property Paige and I had purchased a week before. The sale had gone fast, thanks to our hefty down payment. We'd been saving as much as possible to be able to open a boutique and it was finally happening.
Well, not for a few more weeks. We had a good amount of renovations to do. We'd only been given the keys to the property the day before and we'd spent the first day laying down tarps and bringing in all the supplies to get started. Amazingly, we didn't have any major changes that needed to be done. The previous owner had just refurbished the entire space only to have to turn around and sell quickly due to a family emergency. The details weren't given to us, and honestly, we were too excited to even question it.
The storefront was in a prime retail location in SoHo. It'd been nothing short of kismet that we'd been able to swoop in and steal it for such a low price since the owner was already a fan of our online store. It still shocked the hell out of me that we sold enough online to even be able to afford running our own store anywhere, let alone the area we were in.
Since most of the changes were minor, Paige and I were doing all the painting ourselves. Everyone would start helping out when it was time to do things like change the light fixtures and bring in furniture.
Paige beamed behind a massive bouquet of wildflowers, her head barely peeking over the stems.
"Good thing we don't have allergies," she teased as she carried the arrangement to the other side of the room and set it down with all the others. Each pot and vase held a different type of flower. Most of them I couldn't even name or had ever seen before.
The first ones to arrive were multicolored Gerber daisies. Those I knew because they were my favorite. I'd never gotten flowers from anyone before. Not once.
I assumed they were for Paige at first. When she told me they were for me, I assumed they were from my parents. Then I read the card and my jaw hit the floor.
I gave you time. Now I'm reminding you I'm still here. - Liam
Each note had been more of the same. I bit back a grin. He was relentless.
For a few days after our sort-of fight I hadn't heard from him. I picked up my phone to call or text him a thousand times. But I'd meant what I said. I needed to focus inward and figure out what I really wanted in life. Talking to him or seeing him would have just muddied everything up again.
Thing is? You can't just spend a few days with your thoughts and think you'll suddenly have your shit figured out. I was no further along in my self discovery than I had been eight days ago. The only thing that changed over time was how much I missed Liam. My ache for him never left, even in my sleep.
"Would you give the guy a break and just talk to him?" Paige said on an exaggerated sigh.
"We had sex," I spit out before I could stop myself.
The paint roller in Paige's hand fell to the floor, splattering paint everywhere. She didn't even flinch.
"What? When?"
"The night before everything fell apart."
Paige's face morphed from shocked outrage to something that looked a lot like pity.
"What?" I asked with a heavy dose of skepticism.
"It makes sense now. Why didn't you tell us?"
My nose scrunched up. "What makes sense? And I was going to the next time I saw you all. It wasn't something I wanted to say over the phone or through text. But then... It just hurt too much to talk about after everything."
I picked up my abandoned paint brush and went back to touching up the trim along the floorboards. I could feel Paige's eyes on me and it didn't take long for me to crack.
"Just say it," I grumbled.
Paige snickered from behind me, but she waited until I put the brush down and gave her my full attention before speaking.
"You've waited a long time to give yourself to someone that way. It's hard enough to do as a teenager. I can't imagine the stress it causes when you wait until adulthood to have sex for the first time. Especially after the crappy string of losers you've dated in recent years."
I huffed in agreement but stayed quiet.
"It's normal for you to freak out."
"I'm not-"
She cut me off with the wave of her hand. "Don't bother lying. To me or to yourself. The sex may not be the reason for your freak-out, but I think it definitely put you in an especially vulnerable place."
"I swear to you I am not trying to ruin this with Liam," I said on a defeated sigh.
Paige smiled sadly before sitting cross legged on the ground next to me.
"I don't think you're doing it intentionally. Harsh truth time," she warned. "Liam is perfect for you. He may not be a perfect person, but he's perfect for you. You knew going into this he would mess up. And yeah, I think it's important to not need other people in order to feel validation, but it's also impossible to never need someone. Trust me, I've been there."
I huffed out a laugh. Paige had been excessively stubborn when she met Sebastian who only wanted to help her. Their back and forth drove them both insane but in the end, it worked out for everyone.
She nudged my shoulder with hers gently. "You're scared. Again - normal. Loving someone is scary. The power they wield, how easily they could destroy you. But you've got to take a chance on someone eventually Clara. And I think we both know that if there were ever a person for you to take a chance on, it should be Liam."
My head hit the wall behind me with a loud thud. I closed my eyes and let her words soak in.
"I'm such a hypocrite. For all my talk of wanting to love and be loved, I don't really give people the opportunity. Do I?"
One eye opened to see Paige nodding.
"What if I don't deserve him? What if... What if I'm not enough?" I choked out, forcing myself to admit out loud what had really been eating at me.
"Is that really what you think?" Liam's voice asked softly.
I jolted, eyes popping open, shooting to
my feet.
"Wha... Are you... How much of that did you hear?"
He looked sexy as ever in worn denim jeans, black boots and that leather jacket he almost always wore. His hair mussed, a few days stubble, he never had to try hard. I took a second to drink him in. To let myself enjoy the view before the panic that he was really standing there, only a few feet away, set in.
"I heard enough," he answered gruffly.
His full lips, normally turned up at the corners in his trademark crooked grin, were pressed tightly together. It was then I noticed the tension in his shoulders, the stiffness of his body, the clenching in his jaw. He was... angry.
"How could you think that?" He asked, frustration and irritation lacing every word. "Not enough?"
It'd been hard enough to admit to Paige. Knowing Liam had overhead my greatest insecurity? I wanted to curl up into the fetal position and rock myself into oblivion.
"I've never been enough before," I admitted softly. "No one sticks. And I know a big part of that is my fault. But I guess I just... I worried that... I don't know... Maybe after we, you know, that you changed your mind?" I said-slash-asked on a wince. "I already felt insecure that you didn't want me to meet your dad, and I was trying not to freak out like I normally would and assume the worst. Then I saw you with that woman-"
"I would never cheat on you," he interrupted.
I shook my head. "I know that. That's not even really what bothered me. I just wondered if maybe you'd been..." I trailed off and sucked in a big breath. I could do this. I could be totally, painfully honest. "I thought maybe you were embarrassed of me. Afraid I wouldn't fit in with those people. And you just didn't want to hurt my feelings."
Liam stumbled backwards as if I'd actually struck him physically. I braved a glance at his face. His jaw had practically unhinged, his eyes bugging out of his head.
"Are you serious?" His asked on a choked whisper.
I barely had time to nod before he lunged for me. His big hands framed my face, his thumbs swiping away tears I hadn't realized were even sliding down my cheeks.