by Karen Swan
Even here, alone in the middle of the night, she didn’t want to admit the truth that her entire life since that fateful day in her parents’ home had been a charade. That she had smiled, laughed and achieved without feeling any of it; that she was an excellent doctor and a brilliant friend; but a distant daughter and only a good-enough girlfriend. She had moved through the motions of her life according to the path of least friction, watching her friends live life on her behalf – throwing confetti as they married, babysitting when they had kids. They had no idea that she envied what they had – houses that were homes, lives bursting at the seams with anniversaries, arguments and school term dates. It didn’t matter that they worked first and foremost to pay the mortgage, and any career satisfaction was largely incidental. She had climbed to the top of the tree to show the world she was more than what Alex Carter had deemed her: just a rich man’s daughter. But she could never save enough people to feel truly needed. She could never trust another man enough to believe she was truly wanted.
In the wake of his betrayal, she had excised him from her life like a tumour – a clean, surgical strike – but she saw now that stray cells had been left behind, multiplying in silence, hidden from sight and constantly sabotaging her efforts to move on. He moved through her bloodstream like an infection and she would never fully recover. He made her febrile and shaky. Hate me, then. She couldn’t trust herself. She couldn’t trust herself not to trust him. The pull towards him was gravitational, his kiss making undeniable a truth she had refused to admit to – she only wanted to hate him.
She lay there letting the simple fact settle, finally, within her bones. She would admit it to herself at last – that she loved him and she always would. Nothing could be done about it. A decade of running hadn’t outpaced it. Neither one of them was free from the other’s shadow. Right now, he was lying in a hut ten metres from here. Was he awake too?
She closed her eyes for a long moment. If they headed off early, before dawn, there was a good chance they could get back to the microlight before dark and fly out of the park; from there, they could arrange to drive to Jed’s village and undertake the short hike through the trees. This time tomorrow, if they could get through without incident or disaster, she would be back with Rory. She would be back in his arms and back in her own life and all of this could be locked in a box and quietly stored in a deep, dark part of herself. The truth she was facing here would become just another little secret to keep and – bar the handover ceremony, with Miles and Holly as her gatekeepers – she would never have to see Alex again.
Never again.
She felt the finality of it. This was the end.
Minutes passed.
This was the end. She would never see him again.
Never again.
Her heart pounded against her ribs as she swung her legs out of the hammock, remembering only as her toes went into her boots, to check them first. She upended the boots and flinched as a red spider fell out. She was trembling, her fingers fumbling as she readied herself, then tiptoed out of her hut. The village was asleep, even the jungle quiet. The moon’s light painted the scene silver as she walked over to the hut William had pointed out when he had come to check on them earlier, oblivious to the scene he was interrupting.
She stood at the door for several moments, telling herself she could still turn back, knowing she wouldn’t. This was inevitable, how it had to be. She lifted the latch on the door and peered into the darkness.
‘It’s me,’ she whispered, stepping inside.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Holly, lying flat out, wriggled her bottom and shoulders a little deeper into the sand and, for the twentieth time that hour, took a deep sigh of gratitude. She could hear Dev and Jimmy in the water, trying to stand on their boards. Failing, from the sound of it.
She lifted her head and looked over – just to check they were okay. One of them might get biffed on the head by the board or catch a rip tide; the locals kept telling them to keep an eye out for rips, that the Playa Cocles beach was safer, bigger, better, but they all liked it here. The small bay felt more private. Apart from a few locals first and last thing, hardly anyone came over here, to the extent that they had even taken to leaving the doors to their huts open as they lay on their towels on the beach.
She examined a leg, pleased that she – even she! – was finally showing hints of a tan. Her freckles were joining up and she was feeling good on all the juices she’d been having.
‘Hey.’
She looked up, shielding her eyes to take in the sight of Rory silhouetted against the setting sun. Even blacked out, he looked rough. He’d spent most of yesterday in his hut, had hardly said a word at dinner, and today he’d stayed away again, not even making a show at lunch. As sulks went, this was top-tier stuff.
‘Mind if I join you?’ His voice sounded like he had sandpaper in his throat.
‘Sure,’ she said, as he sank into the sand beside her. ‘How are you today? We missed you earlier.’
He shrugged in reply, arms draped languidly over his knees, looking out to sea.
‘I know, jet lag’s a bitch,’ she muttered, glancing at him sidelong. He had bags she could lance under his eyes and he hadn’t shaved for days, a golden stubble covering his jaw and cheeks like a harvested wheat field. The poor guy looked truly terrible. She sighed. ‘Ror . . . you’ve got to stop seeing this as something more than it is. She’ll be back any minute!’
‘It’s been four days.’
‘I know.’ Holly couldn’t quite disguise her own disappointment. She had missed having her friend here too and their group didn’t quite work without her as a central figure. ‘I don’t think she planned on it taking so long. Well, she didn’t plan any of it, let’s be honest. She just took off on this crusade. But she’s just off being a doctor. Doing doctorly things and trying to save a life. That little girl dying on her really shook her and with the hospital’s investigation on top . . . she’s never been in trouble in her life! It’s pretty obvious she’s just trying to exert some control because she feels powerless.’
Rory glanced down at her, his expression severe. He looked like he was going to say something but the words seemed to sink back down again, unspoken.
‘Listen, I get where you’re coming from but the helicopter’s coming for us in two hours and there’s no way she won’t be back for that. I know Ta. She adores her dad; she wouldn’t let him down for his big day. Come hell or high water, she will get back here in time.’
Rory didn’t reply but he didn’t seem unconvinced either; he too knew how much Tara admired her father. Holly leaned up on her elbows, joining his gaze as he watched her two boys playing on the water. Jimmy had caught a wave and was ‘popping up’ – there had been much teasing over Dev’s pops; he didn’t quite have their son’s rubbery bounce. The sun was beginning to set and Holly caught her breath as she watched her silhouetted child, arms spread wide as he straightened, finding his balance, riding the wave into shore. Dev was sitting astride his board, further out, whooping and cheering like a maniac.
Holly smiled. Daft man.
‘So tell me this, then – who’s Alex?’
The question floored her and she looked at Rory so quickly, her own hair slapped her in the face. ‘Alex?’ she repeated, moronically.
‘Yes. And before you pretend you don’t know – don’t.’ Rory shot her a look that told her he would brook no bullshit.
Holly sat up fully and took another deep breath, this time with significantly less gratitude. This was not a conversation she ought to be having with this man. ‘. . . He’s Tara’s ex. From ages ago. Like . . . a decade! . . . I can barely remember him, to be honest,’ she lied. She had watched her best friend living with the man’s ghost every single day of those ten years.
Rory didn’t reply immediately. He was still staring out to sea but Holly sensed he couldn’t see Dev belly-flopping on the board, losing his balance and falling in with an almighty splash and a shout.
She swallowed, feeling nervous and not liking the vibe that sat upon him today. He’d been grumpy all week; it had hardly been the tropical holiday of dreams that he’d anticipated and Holly had had a lot of sympathy for him, frankly; she’d have been pissed off in his shoes, too. But this felt different. Any mention of Alex Carter in relation to Tara was never a good thing. ‘Why d’you ask?’
‘It came up in conversation,’ he shrugged, looking evasive.
‘With Ta? You mean you spoke to her?’
‘Not exactly.’
He was talking in riddles. Holly put a hand on his arm. ‘Ror, what’s going on? Talk to me.’
There was a long pause in which nothing happened, then his whole body sagged, his head dropping. Holly felt a bolt of alarm. This wasn’t like him; he didn’t collapse or fall apart at the seams. He was stoic and dependable and resilient. A little dull perhaps, for Holly’s taste, but nonetheless a good man. Decent. Not deserving of this.
He looked back at her. ‘The other night, I had a brainwave.’
‘Oh yeah?’
‘Thought it was such a good idea.’
‘Tell me, then.’
‘You know when those guys came to tell us about Jed?’
She nodded, frowning hard. ‘I know. It was so terrible.’
‘Yeah . . . Well, I decided to go back with them.’
‘What? Back where?’
‘To the conservation park. Where Tara’s gone.’
‘When?’
He sighed, irritated by her lack of understanding. ‘They told us Ta had continued the expedition with another ranger, so I asked if they had any way of contacting him. I was worried about her and wanted to know she was alright. They said they had some radio equipment that works within a certain radius, but it was back at their base station. So they took me up there. I had to sleep on the bloody floor.’ He stretched his neck.
‘But I thought you’d gone out with Miles and Zac!’ Holly muttered, shocked as she tried to think back. The days were all beginning to run into one now. As she recalled, she, Dev and Jimmy had gone into town for tacos and to hear a reggae band playing. ‘Jesus . . . So, did you get hold of this guy?’
‘Oh yeah.’ He stared back out to sea. Jimmy was paddling back out on his board, lying on his stomach, arms wheeling in strong arcs.
‘And? . . . Oh shit,’ she whispered, getting it at last. ‘Alex is the ranger.’ Her entire body became tense. ‘Tara’s in the jungle . . . with Alex.’
Rory winced at her response. ‘And that’s exactly why I wanted to know who the hell this Alex character is. I’ve tried ignoring it – I kept telling myself I just need to trust her – but I know what I heard. She’s in love with him.’
‘What?! No!’ Holly’s brain was struggling to catch up with this development. It made no sense. How on earth could Tara be out there with him, of all people? She knew he worked for Tara’s father – everyone who’d been there ten years ago knew that – but for them to have just randomly met in the jungle . . .
‘You don’t have to cover for her, Hols . . . I heard them. I know the score.’ His words seemed to have an echo to them, ringing in her head. This was all wrong. And bad. Really bad.
‘Rory, what do you mean, you know the score? Tara hasn’t seen Alex in almost ten years! He was an absolute bastard, he completely used her! The entire affair was a disaster for her, the worst thing to ever happen in her life. You’re the best!’
Rory squinted against the sun, staring past the horizon. ‘There’s unfinished business between them.’
‘What . . .? No!’ she blustered. ‘You’re wrong. Why on earth would you think that?’
‘Because I heard them! I keep telling you, I heard them over the radio . . . He must have kept his finger down on the “speak” button. I think the bastard wanted me to hear them.’
Holly stared at him in utter disbelief, her mouth agape. ‘Ror, listen to me,’ she beseeched. ‘Tara hates him. She totally hates him. I can’t stress that enough. No one can even mention his name to her.’
‘And that alone doesn’t strike you as odd?’ he asked bluntly. ‘It doesn’t seem weird to you that she has never mentioned this person to me, not once in the fifteen months we’ve been together? If it’s been ten years, why isn’t she over it by now? His name should hardly register, ten years later – surely?’
Holly swallowed, feeling out of her depth. It wasn’t for her to be having this conversation with him. ‘Look, it wasn’t a straightforward breakup. Other things happened too. She was completely devastated. She didn’t leave her bed for three whole weeks.’
But Rory wasn’t listening. ‘I think he kissed her. Right there.’
‘No,’ Holly protested again. ‘There’s no way Tara would have done that.’
‘She didn’t. I think he kissed her, because she was really angry afterwards. She kept saying no. That she hated him. All the things you’ve just said.’
‘So then what are you worrying for?’
He looked at her again. ‘Because she was protesting too much. I know Tara. I know when she says she’s happy to have steak, but really she wants aglio olio. She’s never been a good liar. She doesn’t hate him. She just wants to.’ He gave a bark of mocking laughter. ‘Alex even said that to her. He knows it, too . . . She still loves him.’ He looked away sharply. ‘Which is why she doesn’t love me.’
‘Rory, stop!’ Holly was on her knees now. She was going to beg him to believe her.
He stopped her with an honest gaze. ‘Hols, we both know it’s true. What I thought was . . . reserve, that feeling of distance she has about her . . . it’s not distance. It’s absence. She’s there, but also not.’
Holly stared at him. Her mouth felt dry, her heart rackety in her ribs – but could she really deny it?
She looked at him guiltily, then away again. Now that she was on her knees, her back to the sea, she had a full view over the beach, towards Jed’s beach bar, those evil trees at the edge of the sand that had made Dev’s skin blister when he tried picking one of the apples.
‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ she groaned, seeing the bar hatch had been opened and a man was standing behind the bar, talking to a customer. ‘What’s he playing at? It’s far too early for him to be up and about again.’ She tutted as she looked back at Rory. ‘It’s Jed. He’s turned up to work tonight. It’s like he wants a bleed on the brain!’
‘Mmm,’ he said distractedly. ‘That is too early.’
‘Look, I’m going to go over and tell him to go straight back home. Just stay right here. Don’t move. But I’ll get us some drinks while I’m there and we’ll talk about this, okay? Things are not what you think.’
She got up to standing, doing a quick visual check on her boys before she went. She turned back. ‘Right. Won’t be a jiffy,’ she said, patting the sand off her bottom and watching as the customer Jed had been talking to began running over the sand. Straight towards them.
‘Oh, fucking hell!’ she cried, looking down in panic at Rory.
He scowled. ‘What’s wrong?’
She couldn’t find the words to tell him. Instead her arm stretched out, pointing towards the man approaching them. ‘It’s Alex. He’s coming over.’
‘What?’ He was on his feet in a flash, staring in disbelief as Alex stumbled over the sand towards them. He was wearing a khaki uniform that was ripped and stained and completely filthy. ‘The fucking nerve!’
Within moments Alex was right there, panting in front of them. He seemed exactly as he had the last time Holly had seen him. Time had skipped lightly, fairy-like, over him, his hair just longer perhaps, the tan more weathered, some softening of the skin around those pale celery-green eyes. He was still far more attractive than was decent.
The two men stared at one another in silence for a few seconds, then Rory pulled his right fist back and punched Alex square on the jaw.
Alex didn’t even try to duck. He lay sprawled on the sand, his nose bleeding, stunned for several moments, before l
ooking back at them defiantly. No one spoke for several moments. Holly could feel the tension between the two men. Not a word had been said but they each knew what the other represented. ‘I need to speak to her.’
What?
Alex began pulling his legs back in, getting up again. He had looked exhausted and battered even before the punch. He stood again, right in front of Rory. ‘I’m sorry, man,’ he said, staring his rival straight in the eye. ‘I am. But I’m not going till I speak to her.’
Rory’s hands were no longer bunched into fists. Holly watched as though everything was happening in slow motion. She felt the sand draining away from under her feet, as if it was being washed down a plughole.
Alex looked between the two of them, his own confusion growing. ‘. . . What? What’s wrong?’
Holly swallowed, hardly daring to even ask the question as she saw now the desperation in his eyes. ‘Alex, are you telling us – Tara’s not with you?’
Chapter Twenty-Four
‘This can’t be right.’
But William was too far ahead of her to hear.
‘William!’ she called.
He stopped and turned, waiting patiently, his carved walking stick pressing down on the head of leaves that otherwise obscured the faint animal tracks. She dropped her hands onto her thighs and let her head hang. She was pouring with sweat, blisters – real blisters – oozing into her socks as her feet were rubbed raw. This was their second day of walking and the light was fading again. Surely they should be there by now? Perhaps it had been over-optimistic to think they could manage it in a single day, but after two full days of non-stop hiking . . .?
Of course, they didn’t have the microlight that had made such a difference on the way out, but that had merely recouped the time lost following Jed’s attack anyway. And after their pre-dawn start yesterday, it was reasonable to expect to be back in time for nightfall tonight. Every summit they crested, she looked out hopefully across the interlocking canopies, scanning for some landmark or something she recognized from the outbound leg. But it was just trees, trees, more trees. The sea was now visible, though, and she gave an exhausted nod as he pointed towards it. That way. They had to keep going.