Rhea now broke into an even more affectionate smile. The smile of a benevolent benefactor who had just found someone to benefact. She had found her lovable loser for the year. ‘My good self will be happy to help you,’ she said. ‘Maybe we can talk about basketball,’ she said before driving away.
Manav waved her goodbye and smiled slyly as he watched her drive away.
‘Good self?’ the universe chuckled as it watched the incidents from afar. ‘Well played.’
Manav pulled out his phone with the supreme confidence of a man who had just convinced a pretty girl that he is a complete loser. ‘Ma?’ he said excitedly. ‘I have found a wife.’
2
Short Version: The hero’s mother harbours a blind hatred for her son’s love interest. As she’s supposed to.
It had been nearly a week since that first fateful encounter and that promise of English lessons and Manav had made himself scarce. This wasn’t because he was nervous—hell no. It would take a lot more than a pretty girl to scare him. In fact, legend had it that his great great great great great grandfather’s maternal grandfather had slain a mighty fire-breathing beast for sport as part of the village festival and taken its golden egg as a trophy. Manav thought it had sounded an awful lot like the Triwizard Tournament in Harry Potter (He had not read the books but had watched all the movies. The Hindi versions.) but didn’t suspect his mother could have known anything about that. Such was the brilliance of Mrs Madhavi Jha aka the Queen—she was a woman who knew everything. And she knew that no woman was good enough for her son, the prince. He was her golden egg and it would take nothing short of a dragon-slaying princess to take him away from her. Of course, Manav knew nothing of this. In fact, he had imagined that his ability to chalk out elaborate diabolical schemes was a genetic miracle and despite her purest motives, his mother was his greatest ally. Which is why she had been the first to know when Manav met Rhea. He had thought the news was what she lived for but all he had done was given her a head start. Manav may have had a lot to learn about urban women but the queen knew exactly what they were about—what they wanted, what they dreamed of and what would irrevocably frighten them away. *Cue in the background score of the movie Maleficent*
By lunchtime, Manav was beginning to get restless. He knew he had to take Rhea up on that offer to take English lessons soon or it just might be too late but he had no idea what his next move was going to be and it was driving him crazy. Manav’s grouch was that he didn’t ask for much out of life—he just wanted the prettiest, most popular girl in college and the ability to always know what was going to happen next but even that was proving hard to accomplish.
Suddenly the magical sound of tiny little bells chiming rhythmically to form the most enchanting melody floated towards Manav, interrupting his thoughts. But alas, there was no music, no bells—it had just been the pretty sound of a prettier girl’s laughter. Before he could recover from the chimes, Rhea Somany was walking towards Manav flanked by her adoring entourage. She was so beautiful, it was hard to believe she was real. Perhaps she wasn’t. ‘Go on, say something to her!’ said the universe.
‘No, what if I botch it up and all those people laugh at me?’ Manav argued.
‘It doesn’t matter. You need to remind her of your existence.’
Manav was offended by this. Remind her of his existence? Who did the universe think he was? He was royalty, damn it. She was the commoner! In fact, he was going to speak to her. He had dragon-slayer DNA and he was about to show the world that pretty girls did not scare him.
‘Hi, Rhea!’ he blurted out rather clumsily just as she passed him by but she hadn’t heard him.
The universe chuckled softly. Our hero was infuriated and not used to people daring him to do things.
‘Rhea!’ he called out loudly and a touch aggressively. Suddenly, he had more than just Rhea’s attention. The entire lobby was now gawking at him in the same way that people gawk at road accidents. Guys usually treated her like a basilisk—they knew she was nothing like it but they were too petrified to so much as look her directly in the eye, let alone call out her name with so much … ownership!
‘Uhmm … hi!’ he said and immediately wished for an earthquake to swallow him up.
But Rhea seemed unaffected. ‘Hey, it’s you. Manav, right?’
‘Yes,’ he beamed.
‘Chickened out of those English classes?’
Manav had no idea what chicken had to do with English but he didn’t care. He was just going to say yes. ‘Yes,’ he continued grinning stupidly. ‘We can have chicken during English class.’
Rhea burst out laughing at this, making those same lilting notes he had heard a few minutes ago. It had the power to lull everyone around into a beautifully hypnotic silence while it lasted, but Manav was probably the only one who wasn’t under the spell this time.
He, Manav Jha, had made Rhea Somany laugh. Before the entire college. Alright, the entire lobby of the English Lit department. Who cares if she was laughing at his English. He had done what no guy in college had dared do—get her to say his name. From that moment on, Manav Jha always walked around the campus flanked by his own sidekicks. He hadn’t realized this yet but this was when the prince in him started to slowly and surely morph into a Bollywood hero.
‘Maaa!’ Manav made a video call to his mother later that night to give her the glad tidings. But the darned video wouldn’t work. This was the kind of news that he wanted to give her in person but was making do with video calls and now he just had to tell her over an old-fashioned call. ‘I’m making progress with Rhea! It’s only a matter of time.’
‘Don’t waste time convincing me, beta,’ said the queen. ‘You are the prince. Don’t forget that.’
‘No, ma, the rules are completely different here. It’s just … you won’t understand. But it’s been a good week.’ Manav smiled.
‘I’m glad. After all, there is nothing I want more than your happiness,’ she smiled. It was a sinister smile but Manav couldn’t see it. And it was the darned video calling app’s fault.
3
Short Version: The hero acquires sidekicks to help him stalk the girl and give him bad relationship advice.
‘Bye, Ro. Thanks for the ride!’ Rhea said, hopping out of a car and blowing a kiss to a good-looking stranger on the driver’s seat. He could have been her brother or cousin and it would have made perfect sense given that he was older, appeared to share the same gene pool and was dropping her off at college. But every self-respecting Indian melodrama needs proper conflict if it needs to be made into a movie and what use is a good-looking brother?
Nay, this shall be the character we shall nebulously call ‘family friend.’
‘See ya, Rhee,’ said Ro as he zoomed away with the whole college watching.
Rhea was soon swarmed by admirers and there was a lot of giggling, gushing and general commentary on the lines of ‘Oh-em-ji! He’s devourable!’ and ‘Is he your brother? Is he single?’ and ‘He’s NOT your brother? You should totally marry him!’
This did not go unnoticed by Manav and his new coterie. In fact, they had been approaching the college from the opposite end with such a sense of purpose as this little harlequin romance was unfolding. If you had kept very quiet and listened closely, you would have even heard the background music coming to an abrupt halt as Manav stopped in his tracks at the sight of his future wife in the shortest skirt he had ever seen, publicly blowing kisses to some commoner in a fancy car. Was she out of her mind? Did she not know she belonged in a palace awaiting with outstretched arms her prince, the man of her dreams? Did she seriously not have a family astrologer grooming her for her royal destiny since early childhood? What sorcery was this!
But a true prince never gives up. Perhaps, his new friends might be able to give him some insight on courting an urban girl. Wasn’t that what friends were for?
‘He’s good-looking, older and drives a Bentley! Of course, she’s with him!’ said one of them over lunch. Since the
y all sounded like mild variations of each other, it didn’t matter what they were called. However, sheer coincidence (and the possibility of the aforementioned movie deal) caused them to be named Amar, Akbar and Anthony— India’s most popular name for a gang of three. ‘Then let’s go put a dent on it and make it a Dentley,’ said Anthony who was always up for anything destructive.
‘Guys, guys, relax,’ said Manav, too scarred by the sight of his princess in that miniscule skirt to come up with a plot over paratha. For once, he wanted some good advice. He wanted to really figure her out so he could be what she needed him to be. ‘There’s no point throwing a “mantrum”. We need to get to know her and why she’s acting the way she is … er … acting.’
‘Oh, but this is Delhi, dude. All the girls act this way!’ said Amar. He was the least offensive of the three idiots. ‘I think you should be her friend before you do anything else.’
Akbar and Anthony snorted. ‘Friend? FRIEND? Are you out of your mind? Friends don’t ever sleep with the girl! Friends end up listening to the girl whine about the guy she sleeps with!’ Akbar said.
‘SLEEP WITH THE GIRL?’ It was an all-caps moment for Manav who still referred to a woman’s virginity as ‘her flower’ and such crass references were not only unbearable, it was downright unacceptable. Perhaps, he should challenge this Ro to a duel and chop off his fingers. That’s what trespassers got for plucking flowers from other people’s gardens. He was done learning the rules of urban life. It was time to set some facts straight: He was the prince and the only true owner of the pretty girl’s flower. And he was going to do whatever it took to take hold of what rightfully belonged to him.
Amar, Akbar and Anthony laughed and mocked and took digs at Manav’s medieval sensibilities but he had tuned them out. And with a dramatic final bite of paratha and drum rolls in his princely head, he stood up, with visible determination. ‘I need to know everything there is to know about this Ro,’ he said. ‘You have twenty-four hours.’ After all, that’s how long it took Jack Bauer to do anything. So it only made sense that his sidekicks accomplish the task at hand in the same amount of time (Yes, Manav was a 24 fan. And now an Anil Kapoor fan as well.).
The idiots grew silent seeing how entirely serious he was.
‘You mean you want us to stalk her?’ Anthony was excited.
‘Don’t you think stalking him would make more sense?’ asked Akbar.
‘I still think you should take her up on that English class and charm your way into her heart. Rumour has it that she can’t resist los …’ Amar trailed off.
‘Losers. I know. That’s why I’m playing the part and yes, I do intend charming her but while I do that, I’d like you losers to do some real work instead of giving me crap about her sleeping with people!’
‘Yes, sir!’ saluted Anthony and the three slunk off to class.
Manav was so hassled and preoccupied with thoughts of Ro reaching into his garden that he almost didn’t notice he had walked right into Rhea and her special friend Kiran, knocking down her books and her glass of Coke.
‘Fuuuuuuck! Fuckfuckfuck!’ she yelped as the Coke ruined her gorgeous new blouse (off-white, chiffon, Manav made a mental note) and was dripping its way into her notebooks.
Manav was once again so appalled by the word that came out of her mouth that he completely forgot he wasn’t supposed to know English. ‘Oh no, I’m terribly sorry, I’m such a clumsy fool! Let me replace your ThumsUp.’
Rhea and Kiran stared back at him in semi-suspicious silence. Actually, it was Kiran who was suspicious. Rhea was pleasantly surprised.
‘Whoa! You just constructed two perfectly good sentences in English! Maybe you don’t need English lessons after all,’ Rhea beamed and it was Manav’s turn to go completely silent. Oh, what had he done.
‘Sometimes,’ he smiled nervously, ‘it’s coming out like that.’
Rhea seemed amused at that but Kiran wasn’t. Something about this guy was decidedly dodgy and she couldn’t get how Rhea could be so blinded by her loser love to not see it.
‘On second thoughts, let’s go ahead with those English classes,’ Rhea laughed even as Kiran tried to make what seemed like violent eye contact.
‘Today evening?’ Manav grabbed the opportunity that had almost slipped out of his hands.
‘This evening, not today evening. There you go—your first lesson,’ Rhea said. ‘And no, I’m not free this evening. But how about Thursday?’
‘Yes, great, I can …’ Manav began.
‘Uhh, Rhea, Thursday won’t work. We have that … thing, remember?’ Kiran said.
‘What thing?’ Rhea was oblivious.
‘That thing … with … Ro!’ Sometimes, Kiran didn’t understand what she saw in Rhea. The girl was clearly thick and delusional. What level of naiveté made a person sincerely believe everyone was inherently good and worth saving?
‘No, that’s today. The thing with Ro is today.’ Rhea smiled. ‘So it’s confirmed. Thursday at four at the cafeteria. I’ll see you then, Manav!’
Manav wanted to express how delighted he was but he couldn’t hear much beyond ‘The thing with Ro is today.’ What was this ‘thing’ she was referring to? How was he going to find out? Disturbing visions involving gardens, trespassers and plucked flowers tormented him. ‘Uhh, mmm, thank you,’ was the best he could do.
The minute Rhea and Kiran were out of sight and earshot, Manav summoned his handy cohort.
‘We have a problem,’ he said.
‘What is it, boss?’ Anthony was hoping there was going to be a fight. He couldn’t see the point in a gang and a hero smitten by a pretty girl if they couldn’t have a few good old-fashioned fights with the rich, predatory villain.
‘What is a thing? When girls say ‘I have a thing today’ what can it mean?’ Manav knew his sidekicks would be of no use in this department but he was desperate for answers.
‘Maybe it is that time of the month,’ said Akbar thoughtfully.
Manav groaned. ‘She said she had a thing today with Ro.’
‘What!’ Amar gasped in horror. ‘That can’t be good news.’
‘Why, why do you say that?’ Manav was getting desperate by the minute.
‘Well, girls usually say “I have a thing for him” when they like a guy,’ Anthony decided to elucidate. ‘But I don’t know what “a thing with” means. Maybe it means they are going to do it.’
‘Thanks, that’s helpful,’ Manav said. ‘Now listen. Remember I gave you twenty-four hours? Yeah, now it’s just eight hours. Follow them this evening, do whatever you have to but I need to know exactly what’s going on!’
‘But …’ Amar started.
‘What,’ Manav spat.
‘We don’t have any spy gear. How are we going to do this? And most importantly, what if we get caught and it makes things impossible between you and Rhea?’ Amar clearly had no previous experience in the department.
Akbar and Anthony started to laugh hysterically. ‘Spy gear, it seems. Chill, man, we’ve been stalking girls since Class 6. We’re pros.’
‘Okay. I have to run now and figure out my next move. Have this pointless assignment to complete for class too. Think you guys can handle this?’ Manav checked.
‘Handle this? You insult us. We can come back with that Ro’s right leg in eight hours,’ Anthony chuckled darkly.
‘No need for right legs just yet,’ Manav said and with that, he dismissed his sidekicks and proceeded to do the one thing that always comforted him at the end of a confusing day—reporting the day’s events to mother dearest.
4
Short Version: The Three Idiots make the first mistake of their lives and end up in hospital. The brave hero does not visit them for fear of being outed.
If you had circled Aurangazeb Road at 8:00 pm that Tuesday, you too would have got to see what three idiots attempting to stalk a girl looks like—three men in colour-coordinated (orange!) clothes, monkey caps and shawls, were perched on the mango tree behind Rhea’
s house playing with what seemed to be a collection of toys pilfered from a seven-year-old. It had been two whole hours since Ro had entered the premises but Amar, Akbar and Anthony hadn’t acquired even a smidgen of clarity about ‘the thing’ yet.
‘Okay, I think I see something,’ said Anthony looking through a pair of pretend binoculars.
‘Yeah, we see what you’re seeing without the binoculars,’ Amar said wryly. Rhea and Ro had emerged from the house and seemed to be getting comfortable on the swing in her garden. This was perfect. The swing was almost directly under the mango tree so the view couldn’t be better.
‘He looks like a movie star,’ sighed Akbar. ‘I don’t think Manav has a chance.’
‘Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s a rich bastard who drives a Bentley and speaks English fluently. What could he possibly know about love?’ Anthony was known for his well reasoned arguments. ‘We must destroy him!’
‘Uhh, you do realize that Manav is a prince, right? He lives in an actual palace,’ Amar pointed out.
Their pointless exchange was interrupted by the sound of Rhea’s mesmerizing laughter. Had spoilt little rich boy Ro made her laugh like that? They couldn’t let this happen. They were Manav’s friends! He was counting on them to stop this injustice. What were they going to do? Well, going by the look on Ro’s face and the anticipation on Rhea’s, it was evident they were about to kiss. Anthony wasn’t sure if this was their first kiss but he knew for a fact that sometimes, all it took was a little distraction during a strategic moment for a woman to decide to friendzone a guy forever. There was no time to figure this out. Anthony decided to go rogue as usual and threw himself headfirst to break the kiss but Amar caught hold of his leg and ended up going down with him. And before Rhee and Ro could say what the fuck, two grown men in orange garbs clutching pretend spy gear, had fallen from a mango tree into their garden and both were severely injured from the looks of it.
Half Boyfriend Page 2