Redwood and Ponytail

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Redwood and Ponytail Page 5

by K. A. Holt


  so white,

  I kind of

  want to

  run.

  Kate

  Mom always smiles

  when she says these things.

  Telling me I’m beautiful.

  Telling me I’m smart.

  Telling me I’m not like Jill.

  Telling me what I should be doing better.

  Telling me what I’m doing wrong.

  When she says these things,

  I see Mom at her most smiley.

  Kate

  I was so little when Jill left,

  I can barely remember.

  My big sister,

  always yelling,

  throwing things,

  a tornado,

  a siren.

  She was the fly

  in Mom’s perfect soup.

  She was the incessant dog barking

  in Mom’s quiet night.

  And then she was gone.

  A storm blown past.

  Everything was perfect again.

  Mom got her way.

  They don’t talk, of course,

  so Mom hasn’t heard

  Jill is on her way home.

  Well, not this home, but

  this town,

  and I’m so excited to see her;

  it’s been four years!

  But she doesn’t want me to tell Mom,

  so I won’t

  even though . . .

  wouldn’t Mom want to know?

  I’d hope so.

  TAM

  The quiet lasts a little too long

  before Kate’s jaw

  unclenches,

  she smiles at me,

  grabs my arm.

  Let’s get out of here!

  We climb in the car

  and as the seatbelts click, I watch:

  her posture straightens,

  her shoulders go back,

  her chin sticks out,

  she takes a deep breath.

  She’s like the Terminator

  rebuilding herself.

  I’m impressed how she does it,

  quickly,

  eyes facing front.

  It makes me wonder how often

  she rebuilds herself,

  and if it’s always

  because of her mom.

  Alex

  Alyx

  Alexx

  Well.

  Well.

  Well.

  This mascot.

  This falcon.

  This Ponytail.

  Will she have fire?

  Will she have energy?

  Will she have bounce?

  She’s had bounce.

  She’s had fire.

  She’s had energy.

  All week.

  At school.

  And especially at lunch.

  Kate

  Dad always calls my

  cheer uniform a costume

  and Mom gets so mad,

  because cheerleaders are

  athletes, Fred.

  Have some respect, Fred.

  Would you say football players

  wear costumes, Fred?

  I wiggle my giant feathery fingers.

  I stomp my enormous yellow feet on the turf.

  Dad might win the argument for once,

  if he wasn’t away (for work).

  (Though I have to say,

  Dad’s not wrong about my cheer uniform.

  It does feel like a costume sometimes,

  in a weird sort of way.

  A costume of a different Kate.

  A costume I wear every day.)

  TAM

  My goober,

  my shortstack,

  my Levi is here.

  Whew!

  Things feel better now.

  More normal.

  Less weird.

  I’m about to tell him

  about Kate’s mom

  and how she’s old

  and kind of mean

  and possibly

  for some reason

  hates me

  but the band starts up,

  everyone cheers,

  the Falcons kick off,

  and Kate . . .

  hahaha!

  Kate appears!

  Kate

  I can’t see that well.

  I can’t hear that well.

  But it doesn’t matter.

  None of it matters.

  I race around,

  high-five the crowd,

  I dance,

  I goof,

  I sweat,

  I’m a mess.

  And oh man, it’s so much fun,

  so

  much

  fun.

  Because inside this thing?

  I can be whoever I want to be.

  Inside this thing?

  I can scream

  and no one can hear me.

  TAM

  It’s like she’s magnified.

  Her movements are hers

  but so big.

  She’s come alive,

  breathing life

  into that ridiculous falcon head.

  Bobbing

  and goofing,

  bouncing

  and running,

  egging on the crowd,

  a full-on clown.

  I can’t believe it’s her in there

  but on the other hand

  I totally can,

  the more her face is hidden from sight

  the more she’s the Kate

  I recognize.

  TAM

  I tried to stay

  to say

  goodbye.

  To glimpse

  to catch

  to earn

  Kate’s eye.

  To whack her

  Falcon shoulder

  tell her

  good job.

  But her mom

  came back

  to pick her up,

  her mom

  waved me off,

  said I’d better go

  and now Timothy

  —Levi’s brother—

  is giving us a ride home,

  and everyone is quiet,

  and I wish I could’ve stayed,

  said bye to Kate,

  watched that ponytail swing,

  made her laugh

  one last time

  today.

  Kate

  TAM

  I can smile the smile

  I smile the smile

  act the act

  I’m my own act

  I can even trick myself

  I am who I am

  inside

  for a little while,

  most of the time

  believe it

  bona fide

  truth

  then I wonder

  then I wonder

  am I really the girl

  am I really the girl

  that everyone

  the one everyone

  wants me to be

  sees as me

  deep

  inside.

  Do people know

  Is it possible

  the dust jacket

  my dust jacket

  the story of me

  this story of me

  they read . . .

  they read . . .

  is actually

  a story

  a story

  they write

  they think

  about me

  instead of being

  instead of being

  the story that’s actually

  the story that’s actually

  mine?

  Alex

  Alyx

  Alexx

  Our Ponytail.

  Our Falcon.

  Our cheerleader.

  Looks happy.

  Seems excited.

  Distracted.

  Our Redwood.

  Our Redwood.

  Our Redwood.

  Looks e
xuberant.

  Seems jazzed.

  Demands focus.

  TAM

  Girl!

  Girl!

  Girl!

  High-five!

  I saw you flying

  out on that field,

  hilarious Falcon

  egging on the crowd.

  You were amazing,

  crazy.

  I was breathless just watching.

  You looked like you were having

  so

  much

  fun.

  I take back

  everything

  I’ve ever thought

  about cheerleaders

  because . . .

  Girl!

  Girl!

  Girl!

  You are fierce

  and strong

  and whew!

  I feel like

  right here

  right now

  I should ask

  for your autograph

  cause you are . . .

  For!

  Real!

  Kate stares at me,

  her eyes a little wide

  and oh good grief,

  did I just sound like Mom,

  biggest dork

  on the planet?

  Well.

  I don’t care.

  It’s all true.

  Kate is for sure

  for real

  and I hope she knows it, too.

  Kate

  I don’t know what to say

  to Tam’s explosion of compliments

  and shoulder punching

  and excitement

  when I know

  I can’t possibly be the mascot

  anymore after this.

  I have to give the job to someone else,

  prep for captain,

  lead the squad.

  But her excited face

  is kind of how I feel inside

  if I can get Mom’s voice in my head

  to just be quiet.

  It WAS really fun.

  I DID do a great job.

  I LOVED being goofy.

  And the squad . . .

  they moved and riffed

  right along with me;

  we were still a team,

  they were all just fine.

  In fact, everyone seemed

  extra relaxed,

  extra good, even,

  without me barking orders

  the whole time.

  So what do I tell Mom?

  What do I tell Coach?

  I like being the Falcon.

  I like it so much.

  TAM

  She’s quiet as I talk

  which is weird

  because she’s usually

  not.

  So the words keep flying from my mouth,

  unstoppable,

  I don’t know what else to do,

  and Levi looks at me

  like I’ve got some screws

  loose,

  but my mouth just runs

  nonstop

  and soon

  Levi’s huffed off

  and I’m asking Kate

  to come see me play,

  to watch me spike and dive

  and serve and win

  and my chest puffs out,

  my heart beating big

  just thinking about her

  watching me

  from the stands.

  I want to show off, too.

  I want her to see me work, too.

  I want her to know that I can sweat, too.

  I want her to know how much I love what I do, too.

  Her distant eyes

  swerve toward me.

  She blinks once

  and after a pause

  where maybe she wakes up

  she smiles

  and says,

  Okay.

  I’d love to see you play.

  Kate

  Becca and the squad

  eating lunch on the other side

  of the cafeteria.

  I should go over there

  hang out

  talk about

  the game last night.

  I should see who else

  might want to be

  the Falcon

  next.

  I should chat about Chloe’s

  MDOMG countdown clock,

  see how many days left.

  I should go now.

  Over there.

  Get up.

  Walk over.

  But Tam is talking about volleyball

  and her eyes are so bright,

  her smile so big.

  She talks with her hands,

  gestures wide,

  knocking her milk over

  twice

  and I can’t bear to leave her,

  can’t bear to go over there,

  don’t want to listen to Becca,

  don’t want to plot my takeover.

  I like the Falcon.

  I like lunch with Tam.

  I wish

  Mom’s voice

  would get out of my head.

  TAM

  Shaking milk off my sleeve,

  I laugh.

  She does, too

  and I ask:

  Do you

  want to come over

  after school?

  You could

  go with us

  to the match?

  Watch me smash

  the competition?

  She laughs

  again

  and it makes me feel

  light and bright.

  I would do anything,

  say anything

  to hear her laugh

  all night.

  Kate

  Inside I feel a little zing

  when I text Mom

  about the volleyball game

  and she says no

  that I should come home

  but I say I need to go

  to check out the cheer squad,

  the sixth graders,

  the B team.

  Maybe some of them will be good

  and I can scout for next year’s squad.

  I hold my breath,

  watch the

  dot

  dot

  dots

  Then . . .

  it works!

  My reward:

  Fine. Yes. Okay.

  But don’t be too late.

  I smile at Tam.

  And I turn off my phone.

  TAM

  This will be awesome.

  This will be great.

  Levi comes to nearly all of my games.

  So it will be the same with Kate.

  I won’t be nervous

  or act weird.

  It’s exactly the same, just . . .

  there will be two friends

  in the stands

  cheering me on.

  I won’t feel nervous

  or anything like that.

  It’ll be just a regular game,

  no sweat.

  TAM

  Kate

  We walk quietly.

  We walk quietly.

  I bump her arm.

  She bumps my arm.

  I bump hers back.

  She bumps mine back.

  We laugh.

  We laugh.

  We pass Frankie’s house.

  An old lady is in her yard.

  I wave.

  She waves at us.

  Hey, Frankie!

  The old lady yells hello.

  Another lady in the yard,

  bent over a small pond,

  stands,

  holding a turtle,

  smiles.

  Hey, Roxy!

  The other lady holds up the

  turtle,

  like she’s about to say Cheers!

  How’s William?

  Both ladies look up.

  Both ladies look at the turtle.

  Fine, they say
,

  in unison.

  William waggles his feet.

  The turtle waves hi, too.

  You coming to my game tonight?

  Sorry, William is busy,

  the second lady says with a wink.

  William waggles his feet harder.

  I snort.

  Does William know if YOU

  are coming?

  We’ll see you there! they say,

  still in unison,

  making Tam laugh.

  Kate watches us like she’s never seen

  two ladies, a kid, and a turtle

  have a conversation before.

 

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