by K. A. Holt
And yet,
watching her
giggling
giggling
giggling
makes me wonder
who is this girl
sitting here
with paint on her cheek
laughing about Joe’s dimple?
And why am I here
at all?
TAM
Oh who am I kidding?
I’m here because she’s here.
I’m here because
I get to hear
her laugh.
I get to see
her smile.
I get to smell
the ripple of air
when she walks by
that smells a little like
tangerines
and a lot like . . .
Kate.
I’m here to feel the warmth
when her elbow
accidentally brushes mine.
I just wish she’d look at me
instead of the poster
when she laughs
or smiles,
and maybe come near me
and possibly
actually
recognize that I’m
here
standing
in her room with
everyone else.
Kate
Tam is so quiet,
fiddling with the bracelet I made her,
watching us all
like she’s studying animals
in the zoo.
I wish she’d relax.
I wish she’d laugh.
I love it when she laughs.
It’s like maybe a weird kind of music?
Is that a strange thing to say?
Out loud, I keep saying
funny things,
or things I think are funny,
but she doesn’t laugh.
She doesn’t even smile.
She’s just watching us all
like we’re aliens,
like her headband is on too tight
and all she wants to do is
rip it off
and throw it at us
and I can’t quite figure out
why.
TAM
Oh, Baby starts to play
and the girls all sing along
and Kate sings with them
loudest of them all
and for some reason
my ears start to burn,
my eyes start to sting,
my mouth opens up
and I act like I’m joking,
I smile like I’m teasing,
but my eyes,
my eyes
they just keep stinging,
as I keep talking.
For real, though,
let’s talk about this poster,
this ridiculous boy band.
Let’s talk about music
and how it shouldn’t make girls
act dumb.
Let’s talk about how fake these dudes are,
how they have goo-goo eyes.
Let’s talk about why in the world you like them,
for real,
no lies.
Kate
The squad looks at me
like Tam just peed in their cornflakes
and what can I do?
Confess that I, too,
don’t care about this band?
That I would rather be
outside
under a tree
in the quiet
with Tam next to me?
Instead, I sigh.
Why are you so weird
about this dumb band?
(Becca sucks in her breath,
whispers, so not dumb!)
They sing catchy songs
and whatever.
You act like you’ll die
if you hear one song.
Like your brain will melt
out of your ears,
why do you hate them so much?
TAM
I keep talking
for way too long,
talking over
the confused questions
of the squad.
I don’t get it.
She doesn’t like MisDirection?
You don’t like MisDirection?
But the songs are so fun.
It’s not like they’re Shakespeare.
And the boys are so cute!
If you don’t like MD, then why are you here?
And it starts like I’m teasing,
but by the end it’s not
and I don’t understand
why I’m feeling so worked up
and I know I should
really
stop
talking
but I can’t
because this is Kate.
And why is she acting so strange?
Why does her voice sound so high?
Why would she fall for a goofball band
and want to take the whole squad
to a show?
And I just don’t get it,
I don’t.
And now she’s telling me to shut up
and she isn’t smiling anymore
and I’m not sure what’s happened
other than I’ve acted like a jerk
and she just walked me outside
and, uh,
I guess I’m going home.
Kate
I don’t want her to leave
but jeez
can’t she just let it rest?
Why does it even matter what music I like?
Hasn’t Tam ever exaggerated anything?
Hasn’t she ever tried to fit in?
Probably not.
Because she’s kind of perfect
just the way she is.
And now she’s gone home
and I’m stuck here alone
with the squad
and they all think Tam is
bonkers.
How are you even friends with her
anyway?
She was just SO MEAN.
Does she talk like that ALL
the time?
And you sit with her at lunch—
—EVERY day?!
Why, Kate?
WHAT is going on?
I’m starting to realize
if I could really have my way
I’d be outside with Tam
and not stuck in here
with these girls and shirts
all day.
And Becca looks at me
like I’m the one
who peed
in her cornflakes
and I . . .
I start to feel this heaviness
in my chest,
the realization creeping in,
like I’ve lost something
and I have to sit down
because I have that
ripped-up feeling
again,
my insides like Mom’s floor,
and can it be?
The heaviness inside is me
losing . . . me.
TAM
I cross the street,
kicking my feet,
scuffing my shoes
on the rocks.
Whatever.
Whatever.
And the thoughts I hate
that I work so hard
to keep away
creep in
like the dust
my scuffing shoes
kick up.
Sure, I high-five everyone
in the halls at school
and Levi and I
are the masters of cool
but here’s the real deal,
the actual truth:
I don’t fit anywhere.
Especially with girls like that.
I’ve always been the one on the outside,
the weirdo book
that doesn’t fit on any shelf.
Kate
Mom eyes the paint on the newspapers
noting, I guess,
that my bedroom floor is safe
from paint
whew.
She asks if my new friend
—Tam, Mom—
had fun,
and says thank goodness
she’s not as messy with paint
as she is with flour.
Mom asks if it bothers my new friend
—Tam, Mom—
to not be part of the squad.
She asks why my new friend
—TAM, MOM—
left early,
and makes sure I remember, right,
that there aren’t any extra tickets,
for people who aren’t on the squad?
She asks if I’m getting excited for my birthday,
excited for the show.
She’s thinking of letting us all go
alone
because I’m such a leader
and she trusts me so much
and man . . .
my head throbs,
my stomach twists
as I realize
she’d never say that last part
to someone who’s just a mascot.
Mascots aren’t leaders.
Mascots are jokes.
Sigh.
It’s not a good sign that
my plan to ease Mom
into all my new plans
has already
backfired.
TAM
I feel so stupid.
The first words out of my mouth
when Frankie opens the door
and I storm in.
I really do.
Like,
am I jealous
of a poster?
Of a picture?
Of a bunch of dudes?
That doesn’t even make any sense.
But like Mom says,
I am feeling my feelings right now,
and Frankie,
my feelings are that I could rip that poster
off that wall
wad it up
into a big stupid ball
and kick it
into the sun.
Those are strong feelings.
Duh, Frankie!
I know!
Hey. Watch your tone.
Sorry, I just . . .
I feel stupid.
What makes you feel stupid?
I don’t know.
All of it.
Kate.
Everything.
I’m going to risk your wrath,
and ask
again:
What makes you feel stupid, Tam?
But I can’t say
out loud
what I think I’m figuring out.
That I want Kate to look at me
like she looks at that poster.
That I want to be
her star.
I just do,
is what I actually say
and Frankie nods.
And I feel the feelings,
I feel the stupid,
I feel confusion and . . . shame?
I feel it crawling all over
my scrunched-up
face.
TAM
Hey, Mom?
I just wanted to tell you
that I . . . I think I like Kate.
Like . . .
Like-like?
And—
What!?
First love!
Oh, Tam!
Oh, honey!
It’s so exciting!
Have you told her?
Is she over the moon?
You know how lucky she is
to have you?
Good grief, Mom.
Stop.
Please.
I was going to say . . .
I think I like Kate AND . . .
I don’t know what to do.
I went a little crazy.
Not in a good way.
I was mean to her for no reason
and, ugh.
What should I do?
Have you told her how you feel?
Talked it out? At all?
You can’t know what she’s thinking
or feeling
by just guessing,
you know.
What words would I even use?
Just tell her the truth.
But she was weird today.
Like someone I don’t even know.
THAT Kate is not the one I like.
She really freaked me out.
Come here.
Give me a hug.
You’re okay.
She’s okay.
Don’t make assumptions
about what people think.
You just have to talk to her . . .
okay?
Alex
Alyx
Alexx
The electricity.
The air.
Something different.
No zing.
No crackle.
Something wrong.
Redwood leans.
Ponytail wilts.
Something weird.
Let’s get closer.
Let’s watch out.
Let’s pay attention.
Kate
She’s quiet today.
Even in the halls.
She’s never quiet.
Especially in the halls.
She’s not smiling.
Not even at Levi.
She never doesn’t smile.
Especially at Levi.
At her locker
I bump her shoulder with mine.
She doesn’t bump back.
Okay.
Something is definitely up.
Tam is definitely mad.
TAM
It’s not that I don’t want to see her.
I always want to see her.
It’s not that I don’t like her.
I always like her.
It’s not even that I’m mad.
Am I mad?
It’s just . . .
which Kate am I going to see today?
MisDirection Kate?
Or my Kate?
And why are there so many
Kates?
And what am I supposed to say
about any of it?
I definitely don’t want to say . . .
the liking thing.
Because seriously.
Who knows which Kate would hear me?
Who knows what she’d say?
Kate
It’s our Falcon Queen!
David yells
as I sit at the table
and pull out my sandwich.
But you better watch out
for that chicken head,
Mark laughs.
Did you see when he did that flip?
Whoever that kid is,
he’s hilarious.
Then it’s Mark and David
talk talk talking
about how great the fake
mascot is
while Becca interjects
Yearbook!
and blinds us all with her flash.
Super.
Awesome.
Just what I want.
Let’s talk about the stupid fake mascot
and go blind from all the camera flashes
when I already don’t want to sit here
to eat my stupid lunch.
Now even the squad joins in to laugh
until they see my face and stop,
except it’s not the mascot
making me pout.
My three bites of sandwich
curl up in my stomach,
turn into rocks,
start to tumble
when I see Tam sit down,
so far away,
across from Levi,
a grin on her face.
Wow.
Look at her.
&nbs
p; Laughing and chatting.
Levi makes her so happy,
and what do I do?
I make her mad.
Kate
I can’t figure it out.
What that kid has
to make Tam smile
so big
and laugh
so hard
every time
they’re together.
I can’t figure it out.
But I want to know.
What is the secret?
What is the magic
that gives Tam
the Levi glow?
TAM
What’s up, nerd?
Not much, turd.
Gonna give me a bite?
Only if you give me one first.
Levi snatches my pizza.
I grab his brownie.
It’s been so long
since Levi and I were just . . .
me and Levi,
and I admit it’s pretty nice
to sit and joke
and high-five
and be dorks.
But . . .
I see her.
Over his shoulder.
Ponytail swishing as she swats
David’s arm,
smacks Mark’s head,
giggles so loud
I could hear it a hundred miles away.
Hellooooooo.
It’s like you’re a hundred miles