by K. A. Holt
as Jill holds Mom.
Alex
Alyx
Alexx
It’s not better today.
It’s worse.
So much worse.
The world off-kilter.
A freak-out.
Threatening.
I can’t bear it.
My stomach hurts.
Look away.
Kate
When you take a deep breath,
really do it right . . .
Inhale
1
2
3
4
5
Exhale
1
2
3
4
5
That deep calm you feel,
that steady moment,
calm,
clear,
is how I feel
when I know Tam is near.
But then I notice
everyone noticing
me noticing Tam
and I can tell
they can tell
something is different,
that she’s not a regular friend.
And then I feel kind of scared.
And I don’t know why.
And I push Tam away.
And the calm and clear
disappears.
I want to talk to her,
to tell her about things at home.
And I want Tam to know
I think about her
all the time.
And I want to explain that
I don’t know what to do about it
and that I’m afraid
of being different
even more than I’m afraid
of Mom.
TAM
I’m cool.
It’s a regular day.
Nothing weird happening
at
all.
I’m high-fiving.
I’m strutting.
And look,
it’s Kate and the squad.
Might as well say hey,
see what they’re doing,
try not to mention MisDirection
or act supremely stupid.
I’ll dig my pinkies
in my pockets
so no one can see them.
Just a regular morning.
Yep.
Gonna go hang with the squad.
Kate
Tam is acting super strange,
talking really loud,
laughing even louder.
She just actually said,
What’s the haps?
to Becca
and Becca looked at me
like
Get this crazy girl out of here.
I throw a marker,
hit Tam in the back of the head,
she yells,
turns around,
her smile is . . .
too big,
almost scary
or
scared?
Hey,
she says.
What are you doing?
Can I help?
The squad looks panicked,
but I still say yes.
We can all make posters together.
Just . . . regular friends.
TAM
Everything
continues
to be great,
I keep saying
in my head.
Look at me
and the squad,
a big bunch
of friends.
We make posters
for the election,
each one
with Kate’s face.
There’s no way
she can’t win.
Three cheers
for Team Kate.
TAM
I sneak looks at her
across the table,
hoping to catch her
sneaking looks at me, too.
Just one smile
between us
that’s all I need.
Just one smile.
Not even fancy.
Just a little sideways grin.
Like she knows a secret
and I know it, too.
She never looks, though.
Not at me.
Not once.
I pluck at the bracelet on my wrist,
snap
snap
snap
and just for a second
I want to throw it
right at her
just to get her attention.
Kate
I know she’s looking at me,
but I can’t look back.
If I look,
my pinkie will be lonely.
I’ll want to throw the posters away.
I’ll want to forget about everything,
I won’t care what people say.
But I do care.
I want them to think of me as
Mascot Kate
or
President Kate
or
Cheer Kate
or even regular Kate.
Not
Gay Kate.
No way.
Gay Kate
is too different
and different messes up
everything.
TAM
I
snap
snap
snap
my bracelet
as I walk
to Frankie’s.
I
just
just
just
can’t see
what’s different now
than under the tree.
I
don’t
don’t
don’t
understand
what’s happened.
I
thought
thought
thought
we decided to be . . .
I don’t know.
I guess I’m missing
something.
Kate
Where’s your new BFF?
We could use her right now.
Yeah! She’s so tall.
Figures she’d just leave.
Kate. Hand me the tape.
Kate!
Kate, are you listening at all?
My Redwood is gone,
out the door,
long
legs
carried her away.
I wish I’d said bye
or even hello
or something
anything.
But I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
It’s just . . .
ugh . . .
it’s easier to be
non-pinkie friends
if I don’t actually see Tam
as much.
Tape?
It’s right here.
And hey, can you fix that poster?
It needs to be perfect, and
it’s not straight at all.
TAM
Meercat stands on three legs,
one claw raised
to the bright light in his cage,
lizard yoga.
I stare at the light,
so bright,
and when I look away
a black spot
throbs
in both eyes
erasing the middle
of everything.
This is how I spend my days,
I say to Frankie,
watching the blob
blacken the room.
I’m missing something big,
right in front of me
but out of reach.
Something that I guess
only Kate can see.
Kate
I’ve never noticed how wide
Coach’s eyes can get
until today when I told her
I don’t want to be captain.
; She seemed to lose her words,
just nodded as I talked,
as I told her I’m ready to go big,
be president,
and have fun
as mascot.
That’s really bold
is what she said.
And your mom is on board
with all of this?
Of course,
I lied.
She’s really excited.
She wants me to be happy
and when I said happy
my voice kind of choked
making me cough,
tears rising
until I swallowed
hard,
composed myself.
You’re sure about this?
Coach’s wide eyes
went soft.
Everything’s okay?
Nothing’s wrong?
I nodded,
throat tight,
burning from before.
We’ll still have to have tryouts.
For mascot.
I can’t just give you the
permanent job.
But you’ll do fine, I know.
I nodded again.
Tryouts.
I forgot about that part.
Now I’m in my room,
figuring out how to tell Mom
I was just kidding
probably
about that gay thing,
and that
I just killed her dream of captain,
but for presidential
reasons.
TAM
Mom.
Please.
Mom.
Listen.
. . . and Kate and her mom
can come over
for dinner!
Won’t that be —
Mom.
Stop.
I don’t think . . .
What’s the problem?
It’ll be so fun!
Girlfriends and Momfriends!
MOM!
NO!
UGH!
Hey there, you.
Watch that tone.
Sorry.
It’s just . . .
let’s not make any dinner plans
with them
just yet.
I’m . . .
I’m going to my room.
Oh. Okay, baby.
Is everything—
It’s fine.
I’m fine.
Kate
We aren’t holding hands
anymore.
Sorry?
Jill is making popcorn
for movie night
just me and her
and Mom.
Should be great.
Sigh.
Me and Tam.
That’s done.
No more pinkies.
I thought you’d like to know.
What happened?
I give her a look.
She knows exactly what happened.
She gives me a look back.
You need to be yourself.
Don’t hide behind something
you’re not.
Mom walks in
saying something about
popcorn on the floor.
Kate.
Did you hear me?
I did.
But I pretend I don’t.
Kate
TAM
Maybe I’ll stay
Maybe I’ll stay
right here
in my room
in my room
right here
for a while.
Maybe if I close my eyes
Maybe if I curl up tight
curl up tight
close my eyes
I’ll figure out
I’ll figure out
what to do.
what Kate wants.
Alex
Alyx
Alexx
Did you see?
Did I see?
Have we noticed?
The posters.
The posters.
The posters.
Have we noticed?
Did you see?
Did I see?
So many.
So many.
So many.
Do you wonder?
Do I wonder?
Do we wonder?
What they say?
What they mean?
Why so many?
Let’s read between the lines.
Let’s read between the lines.
Let’s read between the lines.
TAM
Kate!
Hey!
Kate?
Hello?
I guess she didn’t hear me.
Or see me.
In class.
Or at lunch.
I guess she’s pretty busy
running
for president.
I guess if I’m telling the truth
she seems even busier
running
from me.
Kate
If I stay away,
don’t engage,
leave Tam to do her own thing,
then people will stop talking about us,
and everything will be okay.
I’ll get more posters up on the walls,
kill it with this presidential campaign.
I’ll be back to the Kate
everyone knows.
That has to be the right choice
to make.
Kate
I mean, what is a friend,
anyway?
Can’t anyone be a friend?
In the grand scheme of things?
Can’t you eat lunch with whomever you want?
Hang out with,
chat with . . . anyone?
Even if the air in the room seems stale
or your stomach clenches shut
or your soda loses its taste.
I mean, it’s just lunch.
Eat with anyone.
Be with anyone.
What does it matter?
It’s no big deal
sitting with the squad
sitting with Becca and the girls.
It shouldn’t make me
even sadder.
They’re my friends.
Just like they always were.
TAM
Cool.
No Kate again today.
Lunch has become
my least favorite part
of the day.
TAM
Everywhere I look,
posters with Kate’s face.
It’s like some kind of mean joke:
the more she dodges me in the halls
the more I see her IN THE HALLS.
Her pretty face,
her blank eyes,
staring,
following,
watching me.
That day under the tree
I thought she said
we would be . . .
something
something more
something more than friends.
Her-her.
Me-me.
Together-together.
But I guess that was then.
And now?
I only ever see her
in two dimensions.
Ugh.
Please tell me that’s not
how it’s always been.
Please tell me I haven’t imagined
the fun and laughs
and easy times.
Please tell me it wasn’t pretend.
If it was all fake,
I don’t know what I’d do.
Kate
No more cafeteria for me.
I need
lunchtime
to practice my mascot
routine.
I need
lunchtime
to practice my election day
speech.
I need
lunchti
me
to practice being
the right kind of
me.
TAM
Sometimes,
out of the blue,
around a corner,
when I catch her off guard,
I see my Kate
in her eyes
and she smiles.
But then she stops fast
as if a slap,
a cold splash
has woken her up,
and as quickly as it appeared,
her smile is gone.
Kate
It shouldn’t be true.
I’m busy all day every day.
I’m friends with nearly everyone
in school.
My ponytail bobs
with just the right swish.
My election posters are a perfect mix
of cute