“Just let us go,” Beverly starts to sniffle. “We won’t tell a soul where you are.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, and turn my back to them.
“You know what we have to do. They can’t talk. We have too many lives that depend on us,” Adam says.
I shake my head, not even wanting to consider it. It’s only a threat we’ve been using to keep everyone in place. I’d never kill another human.
Adam gives me a firm look.
“No, I won’t have any part in murder. There has to be another way.”
“You can’t just off us,” Colby screams. “River, please! I swear we never wanted to hurt anyone. Just let us go. We won’t talk. We’ll disappear. I swear.”
“We gave you the choice. This is all on you,” Adam snaps, his tone icy. “You knew what would happen if you turned on us. I told you that the day you started working here.”
“Adam, just let them go,” I whisper.
“Just let me handle it, River. Go check on my grandmother,” he snaps.
I keep my eyes locked with his, trying to figure out what he’s planning to do.
“Trust me,” he whispers.
I nod and walk away, leaving it in Adam’s hands. I’m a coward for not dealing with the problem myself. I say I don’t want to be like my father, but at the end of the day I am. I started all of this to save lives and tonight they were all in danger because I was so caught up in Jack.
Jack~
The fire, the screams, and Miss Ella just lying there on the ground - it’s as if I’m reliving the day my mother died all over again.
The past few weeks, I’ve been hiding from myself. I didn’t want to face what happened. I couldn’t. My mother’s death, David’s betrayal, and all the years I’ve let people do sick and twisted things to me, it feels like it all just happened again. I’m raw, my wound torn wide open.
I had to get River away from me. I didn’t want her to see me like that. But fuck, I didn’t mean to talk to her like that.
I’m keep seeing flashes of my mother’s burning body, and that strange smile she had on her face as she died. I keep feeling hands grabbing at me. I keep seeing David fucking Sophia. Voices keep taunting me with all the degrading comments that have been flung my way over the years.
‘You’re nothing but a fuck … Every hole has an expiration date … you’re a fucking slave.’
As soon as the elderly doctor walks into the room, I leave him with Miss Ella.
I run to the chapel and when I reach clearing, I fall to my knees. The stench of smoke surrounds me like a cloud. I’m covered in ash.
I feel degraded and ravaged. Dirty
Bitterness consumes me until there’s nothing left. All the pain and suffering I endured, all the rapes and beatings, all because of those bastards.
For so long, hope kept me going, but now I know that hope is nothing more than a weakness. Hope breaks you. Hope gives you faith that something might change, but in the end, it leaves you with all the empty promises you made to yourself. Hope destroys your soul.
Shame consumes me for all the times I let men and women fuck me, because I kept telling myself I was doing it for David.
Harrowing memories tear through me like a savage beast. The first time I was forced to suck Sven’s cock. The first time I was tied down and raped by the other slaves, because they had to show me how it was done. Everybody in that house hurt me in some way. The slaves would rape and beat each other, even go as far as to kill the weaker ones. They would fight to be the strongest and most wanted. As long as you were wanted you were worth something.
It feels like I’m suffering from delayed shock, as I remember the first time I was forced to attend a party, and how they made me come against my will.
The memories degrade me until I’m nothing but a rotten shell. All that’s left is an itch that’s crawling over my skin, as if a thousand ants are trying to burrow their way in.
It starts to rain, and I rip the shirt from my body and get rid of the shoes. Dressed only in jeans, I stare down at my hands. I want to see their lifeless blood dripping from my fingers. This is all I’ve become. This is all that’s left of me.
I don’t know what time it is when I knock on Adam’s door. It doesn’t take him long to answer.
“Jack,” he looks shocked to see me.
I’m still covered in grime, wet and dressed only in my jeans. My whole body is trembling with rage.
“I need your help,” I growl.
He glances behind him before he steps outside and closes the door.
“Let’s go look at the damage that’s been done to the stables and then we can talk.”
We walk in silence until we reach the stables. Only piles of ash and wood cover the ground.
“What can I help with?” Adam asks, as he starts to pick up some of the bigger pieces of wood.
“I want to go back to Cameron.” His head snaps up and I see the shock on his face, so I quickly explain, “The past few weeks I’ve been living in a trance. I need to go back and make them pay for what they’ve done to me. It’s the only way I’ll be able to live with myself.”
“So, you want revenge?” I can see Adam doesn’t like the idea.
“I’m going to go back and kill them. You can come with and help me, or I’ll go by myself, but those monsters need to pay for what they’ve done.”
“How do you plan on making them pay?”
“That’s why I need you. I want to go when it’s one of Cameron’s busy nights. I want to get as many people as possible. You can take me as your slave. Just get me in and I’ll do the rest.”
“You still haven’t told me what you’re planning to do once I get you in.”
I wave over the pile of ash and burned wood. “Did you see how quickly it all burned down?”
Adam nods and I can see he’s starting to understand me.
“They burned my mother so I want to make sure every last one of them burns the same way.”
Adam takes a deep breath and then stares at the pile of debris. I don’t push him for an answer.
I start to clear all the rubble to the side. When the sun rises, we don’t stop. We work side by side for most of the day and it’s only in the late afternoon that Adam says, “I’ll do it.”
I drop the piece of wood I was carrying, and I stare at him.
He comes to stand really close to me and whispers, “I’ll do it because I can’t imagine what you and Sophia must have gone through. But you need to understand what you’re going to be doing. You’re going to kill people. I’m doing it to stop them. There is no right reason for killing another human being, but when they are so far above the law, then it’s up to people like us to stop them. I want you to make sure that you can go through with taking another life. I don’t want to get there and you freeze up on me. We’ll be endangering everyone here if someone sees us.”
“If we’re going to a party or scheduling a meeting, they will see us,” I state the obvious.
“We don’t have to attend the party. We just go, set the place alight, and make sure no one leaves alive. Then we get our asses out of there.”
“As long as they die.” That’s the only part that matters.
“They will.” Adam wipes the sweat from his brow and then glances in the direction of the manor. “We have to tell River.”
“No.” I shake my head hard. I don’t want her involved.
“She’s my business partner and best friend, Jack. I will not go behind her back. Secrets only destroy trust.”
I understand what he’s saying, but I still don’t like it. I know she’s going to try and stop us. She thinks I’m some lost puppy she picked up. I guess I am partially to blame for her thinking that. I practically disappeared into myself the past few weeks. I lived in a safe bubble trying to hide from myself and the pain.
But, now there’s no more hiding. It’s time to deal with all the destructive memories, and the only way to do that is to eliminate the cause of them.
River~
Doc stayed the night. Even though Miss Ella keeps saying that she’s fine, he won’t budge from her side. They’ve been arguing ever since Miss Ella opened her eyes. They’ve had this love-hate relationship for years, and usually it’s funny to watch, but today it’s going to drive me crazy.
Everybody is back at work, as if nothing happened yesterday. No one asks what happened to Colby and Beverly, and truth be told, I’m too scared to ask that question myself.
I don’t ever want to go through a repeat of what happened last night. My stomach feels like it’s been grated raw.
I haven’t tried to talk to Jack. I’m not sure what I would say anyway. It feels as if whatever was between us, was destroyed in the fire.
Looking out the window, I watch Jack and Adam clearing out what’s left of the stables. With a hopeless sigh, I take a seat at the kitchen table.
“Old man,” Miss Ella scolds Doc for what seems like the hundredth time today. “You have a house. Go back to it.”
“Woman,” Doc growls under his breath. “I’ll go home when it suits me just fine. For now, I’m staying put so I can check on you.”
Miss Ella throws a dishcloth at Doc, hitting him in the face, and I have to swallow the laughter down.
“There is nothing wrong with me. I’m as healthy as a horse.” She grabs another dishcloth and starts waving at him. “Get!” She smacks at his shoulder and then shoves at him until he gets up. “Go home.”
Miss Ella is red in the face from all the effort it took to get Doc out of the chair.
“One of these fine days you’re going to beg me to stay.”
Miss Ella snorts unladylike through her nose. She smacks him one last time with the cloth, and then goes back to preparing dinner. We told her to take the day off but she just won’t listen.
“I’ll see you all tomorrow morning,” Doc greets, getting another disgruntled snort from Miss Ella.
When I’m sure Doc has left, I look at Miss Ella with a huge smile on my face. “Why won’t you give him a chance?”
Miss Ella swings around, spraying soapy water everywhere. “Now look what you’ve made me do. Stop sitting there counting your teeth, and get to work.”
Just as I’m getting up, Jack and Adam walk into the kitchen. I stare at Jack with wide eyes. He’s dirty, and the jeans are hanging low on his hips, much lower than is healthy for my heart.
I swing around, ready to make my escape to the study, when Adam says, “We need to talk.”
“We do?” I ask, feigning ignorance.
I’m in no hurry to be alone with either one of them. They both look like they’re on a war path, and I don’t want to be caught in the cross fire.
Adam nods, and I slowly start to walk towards the study, as if I’m about to stand trial before a firing squad.
A hundred things are racing through my mind.
I don’t bother sitting, opting for leaning against the heavy desk. Both men come to stand in front of me, and it only makes me nervous as hell.
This is the first time I see them standing side by side, and it’s a very intimidating sight.
“Don’t you both want to go clean up first?” I ask, hoping I can delay whatever’s coming.
“Jack wants to go back,” Adam says.
My mouth drops open and my eyes fly to Jack’s. There is determination and rage in his green depths, that I haven’t seen before. I was right when I thought something has changed, but never in a million years did I expect to hear those words.
“You can’t go back, Jack.” Disappointment and hurt slams into my gut as Adam’s words start to sink in. “Cameron will kill you.”
I push away from the desk, not wanting to hear any more of this madness. Adam quickly holds up his hand to stop me.
“Hear the man out before you jump to conclusions.”
Jack’s eyes bore into mine. The look of hatred is so intense that I have to drop my eyes from his. He looks as wild as the day he woke up, and slapped the bowl of food out of my hands.
“I’m going back so I can kill every last one of them.”
My eyes dart back to his, not sure I heard him right.
“You … what?”
I’m sure I didn’t hear right.
Suddenly, Jack takes a step back, shoving his hands through his hair. His face contorts with pain. When the blood drains from his features, leaving him deathly pale, I reach out to him.
He slaps my hand away. With fright, I quickly bring my stinging hand to my chest. I can only stare at him, bewildered by his behavior.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” he hisses. “Don’t ever fucking touch me.”
His hands are tight fists at his sides as he starts to stalk up and down. His body is wound so tight, and every movement he makes is filled with aggression.
Seeing him like this is killing me. I want to help him, but I’m too scared to move.
He stops and takes a shuddering breath. His eyes are wild, not focusing on anything.
“They are going to fucking pay. I want them all dead. That’s the only way I’ll be able to live with myself.”
Tears flood my eyes and I just let them roll over my cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away.
There is no sign of the man I fell in love with. This is a totally different man standing in front of me. He terrifies me.
“Why now?” I ask. “What changed?”
He keeps moving, his actions jittery as if he’s on a high.
“The fire,” he snaps. “I want them to burn the same way they burned my mother.”
I cover my mouth to keep the sob back. I wish I could just wipe all his pain away. I swallow hard, fighting to keep my emotions under control.
“It won’t bring her back, Jack.”
He stalks right at me, dark and thunderous. I cower away from him, fear rippling through every inch of my body.
Adam moves fast, coming to stand half in front of me. The tension in the room can be cut with a knife. My heart is hammering in my chest, my breaths racing over my dry lips.
“I watched them burn her,” Jack hisses.
He punches at his chest with his right hand, making me flinch.
“I was beaten. I was raped. I was fucking used and abused for any sick fantasy they had!” His voice grows louder, thundering through the office.
I can’t keep the tears back. I know he’s been through horrible things, but I never dared to think of them, until now.
“I was degraded and betrayed. Not you.” He turns away from us and growls, “They will pay. They have to fucking pay.”
I choke the words out, “Your brother too?”
Jack swings around and roars with anger, “Especially him!”
He takes a step back, sucks in a shuddering breath, and whispers, “Especially David and Cameron. To them, I was nothing but a way to fill their bank balances. I want it all to burn down around them, and then I want them to die.”
“Jack,” I whisper hoarsely.
I hate seeing him suffering like this, but I’m scared he’ll hate himself if he goes through with this plan. It feels like I’ve lost him before I even had a chance to have him.
“Killing people … it’s not just flipping a switch and they’re gone. You’re killing humans, taking another’s life.”
“They’re not human. No human will have a boy gang raped. They are monsters and they deserve to die like monsters.”
I cover my face and sob out loud. I can’t keep the emotions inside of me anymore. It’s all too much. I’ve seen firsthand what Jack must’ve endured. I’ve seen what it looks like when they break a slave.
Sobs rob me of my breath, and I double over from all the raw emotions slicing through me.
“I’m doing it. Nothing you can say, or do, will change my mind.”
“What about the other slaves that live there?” I cry out. “They are innocent. You can’t just kill people!”
Jack shakes his head hard. He won’t listen to reason.
�
��I would rather have died a thousand deaths than remain a slave. The slaves are just as bad as Cameron and David. I’ve seen them hurt each other. They killed the weaker ones. I’ve been raped and beaten by them so many times, I’ve lost count. They tried to kill me every time a guest would favor me, instead of one of them. That house is filled with demons. They all deserve to die. I will do this with or without your help.”
Through my blurring vision I watch as Jack storms from the office.
Adam’s arms go around me and he lets me cry against his chest. My heart has been shattered beyond repair. Hearing from his own mouth, how he was abused, is crushing me.
“Let the man have his revenge. It’s what he needs to feel that he did something to fight back. It’s the only way he’ll be able to have some self-respect.”
I nod against Adam’s chest. I understand what they’re saying, but it doesn’t mean I have to support it.
Jack~
I’ve been rebuilding the stables. Adam told me to give him some time, so he could get everything we’ll need to see my plan through.
I feel a slither of contentment, at the thought that I’ll have my revenge soon. I’m on a rollercoaster of rampant emotions, all wavering between shame and rage.
I avoid River. I can’t give her a chance of changing my mind.
Am I doing the right thing? Hell, I don’t know.
Am I being rational? Not by a long shot.
Do I care? Not one fucking bit.
All that matters is that Cameron, David and all the rest of them, cease to exist. As long as they’re breathing, I will never find rest. I’ll be worrying if they’ve found a new boy to torture. I’ll be haunted by the memories.
This is the only thing I can do to stop this madness.
I might have been living in a trance since I got here, but I also found some kind of peace, and I want it back. I want River back, but I first need to take care of my past.
Damaged: The Complete Set Including DIRTY and FILTHY: A Dark Romance (The Damage Romance Box Set) Page 12