“I can already see a change in you.” Raven runs her hand over her round belly. Reminding me that my grandbaby will be here before we know it.
“How so?”
“The light. It’s back in your eyes. I didn’t realize that it was dim, until now. Now that I can see it in full effect.” She looks straight at me, her gaze assessing. “Your eyes are just like Jonah’s, the color, the expression. They give you away. I can see the happiness in them.”
Her words wrap around me like a warm embrace. “I feel happy. It’s a relief to be able to talk to someone about this. Without worrying I may be hurting them.”
Raven is the one person that I know completely understands my struggle. “He’ll come around. He’s already started to simmer a little.”
“I hope so. I think I might stay a bit longer. If that’s okay with you? I can always rent a place nearby.”
“The heck you will! You’ll be staying with us as long as you want.” Raven gives me a hug, bathing me in her support. “I’m so happy for you, Katherine.”
“Thank you.” I break away from the embrace, remembering what the day has in store. “Hey, Marcus is going to show me around the track and shop today. Do you and Eve want to come?”
“Really!” As soon as her excitement hits, I see it sink a bit. “You know what, maybe next time. I think Eve should just lay low today and I want to be here for her when she wakes up. But, next time for sure. I can’t wait to see it!”
“It’s a date.” I kiss her cheek, and then make my way to the shower. Anxious to start my day with Marcus.
* * *
Walking through the shop doors is like stepping into an alternate universe. The space is huge and shockingly immaculate. Any pre-conceived notion I had about what a professional race car shop should look like is blown out of the water. The industrial style building has pristine concrete floors with white walls. Bay after bay of engines on stands, and car bodies stacked on racks, all covered in advertisements. Men milling around everywhere in coordinating uniforms focusing on the task of getting things ready.
Marcus grabs my hand. “Let’s head outside, I want you to see how we prime the cars before they start to test run. I’ll give you the inside tour later.” He leads me out the door, where we get on a golf cart that’ll take us over to the track.
“Don’t you need to be helping everyone? I feel like I’m keeping you from work.” I grab onto the handle above my head. The golf cart’s going much faster than I realized was possible.
“Today I’m letting the guys show me what they’ve got. I think Arch is ready to step up as a Head Crew Chief on one of the new cars we’re looking to implement. I’m letting him prep Jarrett today. You being here guarantees I won’t stick my nose in and try to take over.” He squeezes my thigh, his smile showing that slight gap between his front teeth. “I think everyone’s pretty excited to have me out of the mix for a few hours.”
After a short ride across the biggest stretch of asphalt I’ve ever seen, I notice the cars lined up with all the fronts lifted, looking like they pushed the body up from the bumper. The entire guts of the car exposed. “What happened to the cars?” What I should ask, is… how in the heck is that possible?
Marcus dives into information mode and I start to zone out a bit. This racing business is well and truly complicated.
I watch as a man, covered from head to toe in racing gear, climbs into the seat near the engine. Then, a couple of the crew members drop the raised car body right on top of him. What the hell? The outside part just drops down?
Marcus hands me what looks like a respirator mask and tells me to put it on.
“Why do I need that?”
“Trust me, Kat, if you don’t put this on before they fire up that engine, you’ll be coughing so bad you won’t even be able to cuss me out. Not to mention your eyes will water for the next hour.
I decide not to ask any more questions and start to put the full mask on when I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I look and see that it’s Jonah.
“I’m going to take this really quick, he doesn’t normally call me during the day.” I start to frantically walk away from the grouping of cars as I place the phone to my ear. “Hello.”
“Mom.” The agonized sound of Jonah’s voice has me jogging farther from the group of people.
“Joey, what’s wrong?”
“It’s Raven. She was just in—“ His words drop off, a loud groan taking its place.
“Talk to me, Jonah. I’m right here. Where are you at?”
“I’m heading to Desert Springs Memorial. Jesus, Mom, she got t-boned. The baby—I—I don’t know how…” Another strained groan comes from his lips.
“I’m on my way. Hang in there, sweetheart. I’m on my way.”
“Kat, what’s going on.” Marcus must have followed me away from the cars. I didn’t even know he was nearby.
“It’s Raven. She’s been in an accident. I need to get to the hospital.” Before I have a chance to fully absorb what is going on, Marcus takes my hand as we jog back to the golf cart. Rushing through the large shop, I grab my purse and the next thing I know, we’re tearing out of the parking lot.
The ten-minute drive feels like an eternity. As soon as we pull in, I see my son sitting on the sidewalk out front. Head in his hands.
“He’s right there. Oh God, let me out.”
Marcus drops me at the curb and I jump from the car. “Jonah.” I rush to his side, sitting down next to him and wrapping him in my arms. The second I make contact, his body jolts, like he didn’t know I was here.
Bloodshot hazel eyes meet mine. The look of utter despair on his face pulls a gasp from my mouth when he wraps his massive arms around me and holds on. The tightness of his embrace is almost suffocating, but when his body starts to shake and a sob rips from him, a piece of my heart breaks off. No matter how old my children are, their pain is always my pain.
“I can’t—I can’t lose her Mom. I’ll never survive it.” His tears wet my shoulder where he’s buried his face. “My baby—“
“Shh… it’s going to be okay, Joey.” I pray I’m right. I don’t even know how bad the situation is.
“How do you know?” His words are clipped and stern. His hurt morphing into anger. “Dad wasn’t okay. He fucking died! He died in a fucking car, just like—“ His words break off, the reminder of Ryan’s death plaguing us both. The reality of what Raven and the baby are facing right now, too close to our nightmare from the past.
“You listen to me right now, Jonah Ryan Slade.” I squeeze him tight, making sure I have his attention. “Your Dad was the strongest person I ever knew. But he was taken. He was taken from us immediately, which means it was out of his hands. He wasn’t given the chance to fight. But our girl up there… she’s still with us, and she—“ My voice breaks with a sob. “She’s a fighter. That baby she carries is half you.” I stop talking for a second so that what I’m saying has a chance to sink in. “I promise you right here and now, that every ounce of fight she has will be used to work her way back to you. Do you understand me?” I rub his back, trying to calm him down. “She’s fighting right now to come back to you… so, you need to be strong. And you need to be ready. Because you’re going to have to carry the load.” Tears stream down my face at the injustice of it all. That our beautiful Raven and their sweet unborn baby have to face this fight.
“Thank you, Mom—for being here—I really need you right now.” He hasn’t admitted to needing me in so long that I let the words wash me in warmth.
“I’m always here, Jonah. Never forget that.” I kiss his cheek, and then push him back a bit so I can look in his desolate eyes. “Let’s get inside, so we can start rallying the troops. No one is taking our girl from us today.”
He gives me a chin lift, then stands up from the sidewalk, wiping his face on his shirt sleeve. I wrap my hand around his arm and we head back into the hospital. Ready to fight for our family.
The second we make our way in Jonah i
s immediately surrounded by his friends. I recognize them all from the UFL. I identify Blake, Mason, Caleb, Killian, and Rex, all showing the shadow of concern on their faces. He breaks away from me and accepts the support his friends are offering. I back into the corner of the room and let him have some time with them. Needing a minute to myself, I head out of the waiting room to find a bathroom. As soon as I get in the hallway, I see Marcus leaning against the wall. The second his eyes hit mine he opens his arms to me. I barely make the few steps it takes before I collapse into them. The strong bands wrapping around me and holding me up as I sob into his chest. Tears flowing like a stream, soaking his shirt. I cry so long and so hard, that when I finally will myself to stop, my face feels raw.
His strong hand cradles the back of my head as he whispers in my ear. “I’m going to be here to hold you up, so that you have the strength to hold Jonah up. Okay?”
I nod as a whimper escapes, not having the strength to speak.
“Now, tell me what I can do for you, Katherine. How can I make this better for you?” His warm breath blankets my neck.
“This…” I say into his chest. “Just keep holding me and promise you won’t let go.” The tears start in again. I can’t seem to stop them.
“I promise, Kat. I won’t ever let you go.”
Chapter Nine
Jonah
Dr. Kapotia leads me down the long sterile hallway. The last few hours of hell lighten a little as I make my way to the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit to go meet my daughter.
My daughter.
Today I was blessed with the gift of more time with my wife and a daughter that I was told is a fighter.
Just like Mom promised me.
Following the doctor into a room, he instructs me on how to wash my hands, then takes me through an adjoining door. The first thing that comes into view is a tiny clear box surrounded by machines. My knees threaten to give out, but I’m determined to stay strong.
Carry the load.
As I approach, the tiniest little face I’ve ever laid eyes on nearly blinds me. Jet black hair peeking out from under a little hat. Wires coming from every direction do nothing to take away from the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I place my palm on the acrylic and instantly pull it away. My hand is almost bigger than my daughter and obstructs my view. Water drops hit the incubator and it takes me a second to realize that they’re coming from me.
“Hello, princess.” I clear my throat, wanting her to hear my voice. “I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon.” Tears continue to coat the box. “I’m really sorry, because you were supposed to see your mom first, but instead you got stuck with me.”
“Mr. Slade?”
I look over my shoulder. The doctor is patiently standing across the room, giving me time with my daughter.
“If you would like, you can reach through the holes and touch her.”
I turn back around, but before I have the courage to touch the tiniest person I’ve ever seen for the first time, I ask, “Can I take a picture of her? To show her mom?”
Jesus… my Raven is a mom now.
“Absolutely, Mr. Slade.”
I pull out my phone and take about ten pictures in a row. On the last one, her eyes that have been closed squeeze tight, and then open up. My heart skips a beat when her deep blue eyes shine. Without even knowing I did it, I see my hand appear in her tiny little home. My index finger reaching out to touch her hand. It’s then, I realize that my finger is as big as her arm and I smile at the sight.
“Sadie…” Her name whispers past my lips. The one I knew I would give my daughter. I gain a little more courage and run the tips of my pointer and middle finger up and down her belly. I touch her as light as I can, not wanting to disturb any of the wires that are helping her gain strength. “My beautiful Sadie.”
“Can you take a picture for us?” I ask the doc, and he immediately comes to my side.
I hold my entire palm, as gently as I can over her body. It covers her from feet to neck. The doctor snaps a picture.
“How long will she have to be in here?” I want her to be strong, but the need to hold her rips me from the inside out.
“It will depend on how the next couple of days go. She’s extremely strong. Girls usually are.” Pride fills my chest at his statement. “My hope is that once your wife makes it through her recovery period, that we’ll be able to wheel your baby up to meet her mom. Let you both hold her.”
“We’ll get to hold her? She’s so damn small.” I don’t want to hurt her.
“It won’t be for very long, and she’ll need to keep her oxygen and sensors on. Though you’ll be surprised, Mr. Slade, at how much faster she’ll gain strength if she gets some skin on skin time with her mom and dad.
Her mom and dad.
Unable to speak, I just nod my head.
“Can I sit in here with her until I’m able to see Raven?”
“Absolutely, Mr. Slade.”
* * *
Only a short time passes, when Dr. Kapotia re-enters Sadie’s room. I think I’ve taken over a hundred pictures. Every time she twists or grunts, opens her hands or puts them to her mouth, I snap another. I don’t want to miss a single thing.
“Your wife is through her initial recovery and down in ICU. You can see her now.” The doctor gives me a genuine smile. “She’s a bit groggy, so it will be nice if you’re there when she is completely lucid.”
Relief washes over me again. I knew Raven was going to get through this after speaking with the doctor earlier. But knowing I can touch her and see for myself that she is okay has another shock of peace filling my veins. As I start to step toward the door, another concern has my feet glued to the floor. “Is… is it okay to leave Sadie?” The idea of having her in this room alone is paralyzing.
“Yes, her personal nurse will be with her when you’re not here. I promise you, she’s in great hands.”
I now notice the nurse through the window that looks into some other sort of medical room. The inner workings of this unit are like nothing I’ve ever seen.
“Can my mom come up and sit with her?” That idea makes me feel better.
“Not yet, Mr. Slade. Just her parents until her lungs are a little stronger. But I promise, we’ll wheel her to the window later and let everyone get a quick look. But, no one else in here for now.”
I guess that makes sense. I make my way back over, and see her chest rising and falling in a peaceful rhythm. I put my hand back through the hole and rub her arm gently. “I’ll be back, little princess. You keep building your strength while I’m gone so that you can meet your mom later.”
I force myself away, leaving a piece of my heart with her, and completely understand, in technicolor, the meaning of unconditional love.
My feet feel like cement blocks as I make my way to ICU. I can’t get to Raven fast enough. Passing through another set of secured doors, I follow my nurse escort past a bunch of curtains until she stops and points. “She’s in here, Mr. Slade.”
Unable to speak, I just nod my head and make my way around the curtain. Raven is asleep and looks like she’s been through the ringer. Anger slams my chest as the reminder of what put her here flares in my mind. Questions unanswered.
I cradle her face in my hands and lean in to kiss her, needing the contact of her warm skin.
“Jonah.” Her voice is gravely.
“I’m right here, baby.” I kiss her again.
“What—what happened?”
“You and Eve were t-boned in the Nova.” I grit my teeth and try to keep my cool. My girl doesn’t need me losing my shit right now.
She raises a hand to her head and blows out a breath. “The Nova?”
Panic lights me up from the inside. She doesn’t remember?
I hear her gasp for air and her heart rate monitor starts to beep a little faster. “The baby.” She reaches for her stomach. “The baby!”
“Is the most beautiful thing you will ever look at.” I grab her hand away from h
er belly and squeeze it. Trying to calm her down from hysteria.
“We have a baby girl, Raven.” I place the back of her hand to my lips. “She’s perfect.”
“A girl?” Wonder fills her voice. “She’s okay? She’s too early. Where is she?”
“She’s up in the NICU. I just left her.” Tears threaten to spill again at just the thought of my daughter. “I took some pictures, baby. The doctor thinks you’ll be able to see her soon.”
Raven’s aquamarine eyes shine as tears run unchecked down her face. Whatever reason she had for taking out the car today, I vow to let go. The look on her face tells me she’s torturing herself enough on her own.
I pull out my phone and scroll through the gallery until I find the first picture I took. I bring the chair next to her bed so that we can look at them together. The first one shows my finger next to her arm, her eyes pinched shut and legs pulled up.
Raven starts to sob at first glance. “She’s so tiny, Jonah. She wasn’t ready to be here.”
“Hey…” I wipe away her tears with my fingers. “She’s up there getting stronger by the minute. Her oxygen levels keep climbing, baby. She’s a damn Rockstar.”
A sliver of hope fills her face. “She’s okay? But all the wires?”
“Are there to tell the machines that she’s a fighter. That she’s strong.”
“I’m so sorry. I remember everything now. I’m so, so, sorry.”
“Shhh…” I push her hair back a little. “Let me show you some more pictures.”
When I pull up the one the doctor took, my hand covering Sadie’s tiny body as I look down at her, I show Raven.
“Jonah… look at your face. I don’t know who is more stunning in this picture. You? Or her?”
I take another look, and see what she’s talking about. Complete adoration, are the only words to describe how I look at her. “I named her Sadie.” Our eyes meet at my admission. “I know I should have asked you first, but we talked about it, and it’s perfect. It’s her.”
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