by Nic Saint
I shook my head disgustedly. I finally had Milo’s number. My first impulse was to crawl from under the bed and tell Odelia the truth. But would she believe me? This cat was such a skilled liar she might not. So then I got a better idea. The only solution to the Milo problem. The solution I should have thought of sooner, if I hadn’t believed his lies myself.
Chapter 22
I walked into the TV nook and found Odelia ensconced on the couch, Milo on her lap, Grandma next to her, and no sign of Brutus, Dooley or Harriet. Odelia & Co were watching the adventures of Kit Katt & Koh, though judging from the frown on Odelia’s face she wasn’t really following the story. And Grandma wasn’t looking too attentive either, her thoughts clearly miles away. Only Milo was having a grand old time, enjoying Odelia’s loving caress.
I now knew what his endgame was. To usurp my position in Odelia’s home and heart.
So I casually strode up to them, ignoring the foul smell emanating from the wall where Dooley had done his business and which no one had bothered to clean up, and plunked myself down at Odelia’s feet.
She gave me a dark frown. “Max,” she said. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“I know, I know,” I said, bowing my head. “I have a confession to make. But first I want to apologize to you, Milo.”
“To me?” asked Milo, clearly surprised.
“Yes. I know I haven’t always treated you the way I should have. The fact of the matter is that I felt threatened when you first arrived. I guess…” I shrugged, and gave Odelia my best Puss in Boots face. “I guess I don’t feel as secure in this relationship as I thought I did. I saw Milo as an intruder—someone who would take my place—and I lashed out. And for that I’m deeply, deeply sorry. In fact I feel so ashamed I only managed to work up the courage to face you now, Odelia.”
“Oh, Max,” said Odelia, softening. “It’s so nice of you to apologize. What do you say, Milo?”
Milo wasn’t saying anything. A suspicious expression had rearranged his face into a frown, and he was staring at me intently. Then, finally, he gave me a slight nod, almost like a Godfather nod. “Thank you, Max. It must have taken a great deal of courage to admit this.”
I held out my paw. “Friends?”
Milo touched his paw against mine. “Friends,” he agreed.
“Oh, you guys,” said Odelia, wiping a tear from her eye. “I love you both so much. And I’m so proud of you. Especially you, Max. Like Milo said, it must have taken a lot of courage to own up to your mistakes like that. So now how do you feel?”
“Better,” I said. “Like a weight has been lifted from my heart.”
“See?” asked Odelia, scratching Milo behind his ears. “Max isn’t so bad. And I’m sure you guys will be best friends from now on.”
“Don’t count on it,” Grandma muttered.
“What?” asked Odelia, confused.
“Nothing,” said Grandma. “I didn’t say nothing.”
I entered Marge and Tex’s house through the kitchen and immediately went in search of my former friends. Milo was at Odelia’s, who was giving him some of my favorite food, and I hoped he’d stay there. So far he’d limited his domain to Odelia’s, but I had a feeling he might expand his reach as soon as he felt he’d conquered my human’s place.
I traipsed through the kitchen, and was surprised to find Marge home alone, Tex nowhere in sight. She smiled down at me. “Dooley is in the family room, Max.”
“Thanks,” I told her. I walked through to the family room, where Dooley was watching on as Kit Katt instructed Koh to infiltrate a mobster’s lair and talk to a pair of mice.
“Mice!” Koh growled. A black cat with distinct green eyes, Koh always growled for some reason. Possibly because it made him look more butch. “I hate mice.”
“Please talk to them, Koh. You’re the only one who can,” implored Kit, an auburn-haired beauty played by the popular up-and-comer Virginia Salt. “Only you can save that little girl now. I know she’s in there somewhere, and those mice might lead you to her.”
“All right,” Koh snarled. When he wasn’t growling, he was snarling. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you, Koh,” said Kit. “You’re the best.”
“No, you’re the best.”
“No, you’re the best.”
Figuring this lovefest might go on for a while, I walked up to the couch and hopped on next to Dooley. He didn’t even look up.
“Hey, Dooley,” I said.
“Don’t bother, Max,” he growled—probably got that from Koh. “I know what you really think about me so just go away.”
“What did Milo tell you? That I hate you and that I think you’re ugly and dumb and blah-blah-blah?”
His frown deepened and his whiskers twitched, indicative of a powerful emotion.
“He said you knew I was dying and you didn’t even bother to tell me because you figured I just couldn’t handle the truth. But you don’t care about me and that’s the truth.”
“Wanna know what he said about you?”
He continued morosely. “What?”
“He said you tell everyone who will listen that I’m possessive and obsessive about Odelia and want to keep her for myself. You also tell them I’m deeply, madly in love with Harriet.”
Dooley looked up for the first time. “What? I never said that.”
“That’s what Milo told me you said. He’s been lying, Dooley. Setting us up against each other. And do you know what he told Odelia just now? That we hate sleuthing and that the only reason we go along with it is because of the special treats she gives us when we come up with a clue.”
“Well, there is some truth to that,” he admitted. “I like those super-special treats.”
“But that’s not the reason we do this! He also told her I tortured him today—made his life a living hell—even denied him food and water and told him to jump under a UPS truck. And then he said we all hate each other and Odelia should just do herself a favor and dump us all at the pound.”
Now I really had Dooley’s attention. “The pound!”
“Yup. That’s been his plan all along. He wants us out of here so he can take over.”
“But he has a human. This Aloisia person.”
“Maybe she doesn’t treat him as well as Odelia does? I don’t know. Fact of the matter is that he’s been setting us up with a bunch of nonsense.”
“What nonsense?” asked a voice from my rear. When I turned I saw that Harriet and Brutus had snuck up on us and had jumped onto the couch, too.
“It’s Milo,” said Dooley. “He told Odelia how much we all hate each other and how she should drop us off at the pound.”
“Milo also told me that you’re my son, Brutus,” I said. “Which, now that I’ve had some time to think about it, seems impossible. For one thing we’re the same age, and when I had… relations… with… that cat… I wasn’t a kitten and neither was she.” I blushed. Luckily no one saw it, on account of my blorange fur. “Oh, and he also said Harriet is my sister. Which seems unlikely, as we look nothing alike.”
“Milo said you used to be in love with me but now you hate me so much you want to kill me, Max,” said Harriet softly.
“What?! That’s crazy!”
“Yeah. He also said Dooley poops the walls because he’s in love with me, too,” she added with a sly smile.
“I only poop the walls to get rid of all of those worms!” Dooley cried.
“What worms? Who gave you that crazy idea?” asked Harriet.
“Milo,” said Dooley, understanding finally dawning. “Oh, boy. I’ve been punked.”
“Milo told me you’re my brother, Max,” Brutus grumbled. “And Dooley is my son and Harriet is my aunt. He also told me you’re a raging nymphomaniac, Harriet.”
“What’s a nymphomaniac?” asked Dooley.
“Um, someone who likes nymphs,” said Harriet, looking startled.
“Oh, I like nymphs,” said Dooley.
“This cat’s be
en having a big laugh at our expense,” I said.
“Do you see me laughing?” asked Brutus.
“Is that why you were acting so cold and distant, buttercup?” asked Harriet, placing a paw on Brutus’s face.
“Yup,” he said. “I thought you were in love with Dooley and Max and—hell—every male cat out there.”
“Oh, snookums. He was lying!”
“I know that now,” he said, looking a little embarrassed.
“We need to get back at that cat,” I said.
“We need to get that cat out of our lives,” Brutus grunted.
“No more lies,” said Harriet. “From now on we take everything he says with a grain of salt.”
“More like a truckload of salt,” Brutus agreed.
“Problem is, Odelia believes everything he tells her,” I said. And then I told them my bright idea. They seemed to agree it was the goods, and soon we arranged the whole thing—just like in the old days. The days before Milo entered our lives and started spreading his poison.
Chapter 23
Odelia was surprised when her four cats walked in through the kitchen pet door. She’d just started dinner and looked up when the procession made the door flap.
“Hey, you guys,” she said. “I figured I wouldn’t see you again.”
The foursome took up position right next to the kitchen counter and Odelia looked down. “We have held a meeting and have decided something,” said Max.
“Uh-huh?” she said as she licked her fingers. She’d been chopping tomatoes. “What did you decide?”
“We want to formally invite Milo to join our small band of feline sleuths.”
This was the absolute last thing she’d expected but it warmed her heart. “Hey, that’s great.” Then she was reminded of Milo’s words. “It’s just that… I know you don’t really like this sleuthing business all that much. That you just go along with it for the treats. No, you don’t have to deny it. Milo told me how you feel,” she added when Dooley made to speak.
“We want to do this, Odelia,” said Max emphatically. “And we want Milo to join us. I know we didn’t always see eye to eye in the past but we feel we should put all that behind us and make a fresh start.”
“I like it,” she said decidedly. “In fact I love it.” Then she hollered, “Milo! Come here a minute, will you?”
Milo came walking up, cool as a cucumber, until he saw the four cats seated side by side. He looked a little startled, and Odelia didn’t wonder. They’d given him a really hard time.
“Hey there, Milo,” said Max.
“Max and his friends have a proposal for you,” said Odelia.
“Is that so?” said Milo with a touch of suspicion.
“We want you to join us on our sleuthing quests,” said Harriet.
“Join the gang,” Brutus added.
“Be part of the team,” Harriet finished.
“And I think it’s a great idea,” said Odelia proudly. “So what do you say, bud?”
Milo narrowed his eyes at Max for a moment, then seemed to smile. Sweetly, he said, “Of course. Of course I want to be a part of your sleuthing gang.”
“Band,” Max corrected him. “We’re a band, not a gang, Milo.”
“Sure, sure,” said Milo vaguely. “Part of the band. I love it. I love it.”
“And I have your very first assignment all worked out for you,” said Odelia, happy that her cats were getting along again. “I want you guys to go to the Potbelly duck farm and talk to the ducks—and maybe the dogs, too. There’s been a murder and the murderer stole a tractor and a tanker filled with duck poop. We find the thieves, we find the murderers.”
Milo was looking decidedly unhappy now. “Duck farm? Duck poop? Talk to dogs?”
“This is what we do, Milo,” said Max. “You have a problem with that?”
“Nah, not me,” said Milo, brightening. “If this is what it takes to be part of the gang—pardon me, the band—then count me in. Dogs. Ducks… Poop. Bring it on!”
It could have been Odelia’s imagination but Milo seemed less than excited about the prospect of engaging in a little bit of detective work. Then again, this was probably because he was still feeling the sting of Max’s words of that afternoon.
Oh, Max, she thought as she returned to her meal prep. Milo would need more than a simple apology to get over those harsh words Max had spoken. And frankly so did she. But this visit to the Potbelly farm was a good way to start making amends.
And she’d just finished peeling the potatoes when the sliding glass door was shoved all the way open and her father walked in.
“Vesta!” he roared, looking a little flushed. “I know what you did!”
“Always loved that movie,” Gran croaked. “And the sequel. I Know What You Did Last Summer 2. Real classic.”
“You sent those hobos into my office, didn’t you?” Dad cried.
“It’s offensive to call them hobos, Tex,” said Grandma. “Didn’t they teach you anything in that Political Correctness 101 course you took in that doctor school of yours?”
“Admit it,” said Dad, his face now red like a lobster.
“What’s going on?” asked Odelia, wiping her hands on the kitchen towel.
“She deliberately sent two dozen hobos into my office, and pretended Scarlett rustled them up. She’s trying to poison my mind against Scarlett.”
“Scarlett?” asked Odelia with a frown. “Scarlett Canyon?”
“Of course Scarlett Canyon!”
“I don’t get it. Take it from the top, Dad.”
Mom also walked in now, completing the family portrait. And with five cats following the altercation with rapt attention, it was almost like the nativity scene, if Max was a donkey, Dooley an ox, Brutus a camel and Milo Baby Jesus. “What’s with all the shouting?” Mom asked.
“She sent two dozen hobos into my office!” said Dad, still not making one lick of sense.
Mom must have thought so, too, for she said, “You’re not making one lick of sense, Tex.”
Dad took a steadying breath, planted his hands on his hips and started from the top, just like Odelia had suggested. “Two dozen hobos walked into my office.”
“Is this a joke?” asked Gran. “Cause I’m laughing already.”
“Two dozen hobos, Scarlett Canyon and I were in the office.”
“This is a joke!” said Gran. “I love it!”
“You sent them,” said Dad, doing the pointing-finger routine again. “I was in there for over two hours. One of them had a pin through his nose and one woman thought she had two growths on her chest but they were just two old raisins that had gotten stuck there.”
Mom threw up her hands. It’s one thing for a woman to know that her husband, being a doctor, will be forced to look at other women’s chests from time to time but quite another to be given these kinds of graphic descriptions of the lurid act.
“They’re called breasts, Tex, for crying out loud,” Mom said now.
“Raisins,” her husband insisted stubbornly. “When I touched them they came right off. Look, that’s all beside the point. Your mother hates the fact that I hired a new receptionist, and she’ll go to any lengths to sabotage my work.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Gran. “If this Canyon woman is such a lousy receptionist why do you let her work there in the first place? Besides, you don’t even pay her, so what’s up with that?”
Mom turned on her husband. “Scarlett Canyon is volunteering for you?”
“Yes, she is,” said Dad. “And she’s doing a great job, too—until your mother started interfering.”
“You do know that Scarlett Canyon had an affair with my dad, don’t you?” said Mom.
Uh-oh, Odelia thought. Things were about to get ugly.
Dad opened and closed his mouth like a fish on dry land for a moment, then stammered, “I… she didn’t… she didn’t mention that on her—are you sure that was her?”
“Of course I know that
was her. It’s the whole reason Dad walked out on us in the first place. And you know about that. I told you.”
More of the fish on dry land routine. Odelia was starting to feel sorry for her dad. She decided to put in her two cents. “Look, none of this would have happened if Gran hadn’t deserted Dad when he needed her the most.”
“Oh, don’t give me that crap,” said Gran. “None of this would have happened if Tex hadn’t deserted me when I needed him the most!”
“You were pretending to be a man’s mother!” Tex cried. “That’s a felony!”
“Just a little fib,” Gran insisted. “Besides, I did it for this family.”
The argument would go on all night if not nipped in the bud, Odelia knew, so she held up her hands and yelled over the yellers, “I think this calls for a time-out!”
That got their attention. Mom gawked at her, Gran blinked, and Dad frowned.
“We’re not toddlers, honey,” said Mom. “You can’t give us a time-out.”
“I can if you behave like toddlers. So not a peep from you for the next five minutes.”
She would have put them in the corner but that was probably too much. To her relief, the three other adults in the room respected her decision to call for a time-out under her own roof, and she went right back to preparing the spaghetti bolognese she was making. Five minutes wasn’t much, but it was amazing how peaceful things suddenly became.
Dad was glaring at Gran, though, who was scowling at him, and Mom was alternately glowering at both her husband and her mother, so this time-out wouldn’t solve the bigger issue, which was that these grownups had to learn to behave like adults. As it was, Odelia’s cats were better-behaved than the humans who were supposed to take care of them.
Five minutes later, Dad stalked out angrily, Mom followed suit, and Gran settled in to watch Jeopardy.
Ugh. At least the shouting had stopped.
And then Dua Lipa began to sing and she frowned at her phone. Wiping her hands once more, she picked it up. “Mr. Paunch?”
“Hey, Odelia. Can I call you Odelia? I feel like we know each other. And I love this connection we have.” When she didn’t respond, he cleared his throat. “Anyway, just wanted to congratulate you on the updated rich list. Van is a very happy camper right now. How is that Wikipedia article coming along?”