Chapter 29
Rand
It was just after eight. I was going in late so I could spend a little more time with Nicole. I knew last night had been all about forgetting her worries. When the sun came up, those worries always came back with a vengeance. They were never really put away for long. She seemed to be in better spirits, or she was putting on a really good show.
“Bacon?” I asked, tossing a few strips into the hot pan.
“Duh, who says no to bacon?” she asked sarcastically.
I laughed. “You never know. You say no to olives, and in Greece, that’s right up there next to some of the worst sins a man can commit.”
She shuddered, her brow furrowing and her mouth twisting. “Don’t even say the word. You’re going to ruin the taste of bacon.”
“I don’t think that’s even possible,” I joked.
She was sitting on one of the stools at the center island, lazily kicking her feet as she watched me cook. I liked cooking, and I especially liked her watching me cook. “Got any clarity about the situation?” I asked casually.
She sighed. “I don’t know. It’s still so overwhelming. I cannot believe my mother is alive and well. Part of me still thinks it’s a joke or a mistake. I mean, anyone can change their name, and there are probably hundreds of people with her name. The investigator might have found the wrong person.”
I shrugged. “Possibly, or it could be her. Did you review the paperwork?”
She slowly nodded. “I did.”
“And?”
She let out a long sigh. “It could be her. The places she lived match where I lived with my dad when I was little, and her age seems right, but I don’t know. I looked up the town where she lives. It is some tiny little place in West Virginia. It’s like she was trying to hide. What if she doesn’t want to be found?”
I didn’t have the answer. I wished I could tell her it was all a big mistake, a misunderstanding. I couldn’t come up with a good reason why the woman would have left a daughter like Nicole behind. It made me angry for her. I wondered if Alec had tried to reach out to the woman.
I could see him trying to arrange a surprise meeting that would leave lots of happy tears and explanations and the start of a new relationship. My grandfather was a bit of a romantic when it came to things like that. He refused to believe the world could be a cold, cruel place. He insulated himself in the big mansion, surrounding himself with things he loved and the memories of his wife. I didn’t know if that was right or wrong, but it certainly wasn’t realistic, and not everyone had the luxury of pretending it was all sunshine and rainbows every damn day.
“Do you want to meet her?” I asked the simple question.
She grimaced. “I cannot tell you how many times I dreamed of meeting my mother. I used to pretend she’d been at the store or traveling for business. She’d come through the door and bring me gifts and tell me how much she missed me. When I was about fourteen, I think I realized she was never coming home. I had to believe my dad was telling me the truth, that she was really dead. I begged him to take me to the cemetery.”
“You never visited her grave?” I asked with surprise.
“No. Never. My father hated her. I knew that from a very young age. I knew not to bring up the subject of my mother. Sometimes—” She stopped. “There were times he would talk about her, and I hung onto every word he said. It was like putting together a puzzle, but I never had all the pieces.”
I shook my head, disliking her father immensely for putting a little girl through that kind of trauma. “I’m sorry. That must have been very hard on you, not knowing for absolute certain.”
She offered a small smile. “I remember sneaking out at night and going to the graveyard with a flashlight and reading every single headstone. I did that for years, always hoping I would find her name, find anything! I knew if my dad knew what I was doing, he would have been furious.”
“I’m sorry. I know that sound completely inadequate, but I really don’t know what else to say.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she said. “This isn’t your fault or mine. I’m blaming my parents.”
“I was serious,” I said. “I will support you in whatever you decide. If you don’t want to meet her, I get that, and I’ll support you.”
She groaned, rubbing a hand over her head and mussing her already tousled hair. “To have this drop in my lap, it really boggles my mind. It’s like, I can’t get my head around it. I can’t believe it’s real. I keep thinking it might be a joke or a mistake. I don’t want to get too emotionally invested just to have it all be a huge mistake.”
“I cannot begin to imagine what you must be feeling,” I said. “I’m blown away, and it wasn’t my mother or my life. Maybe seeing her, meeting her might give you some closure.”
“What if it is the exact opposite?” she offered.
“How so?”
“What if I find her, tell her who I am, and she’s a total bitch? What if she tells me she hates me and never wanted anything to do with me? I think that would hurt worse than the fact she walked out on me, left me with my dad without ever looking back.”
She had a point. The woman had left her child. That was unforgivable in my book. “Maybe she wasn’t cut out to be a mother. Maybe she was an addict or just a bad person in general. Your father may have made her leave in order to keep you safe.”
She nearly choked on the orange juice she was drinking. “No. That is definitely not how that went down.”
I waited for her to explain what she meant. I knew she had a rough relationship with her father, but she had never elaborated on it. “I think the only way you are going to know for sure is to ask her. She’s the only one who can tell you what happened all those years ago. You can speculate all you want, but don’t you want to know the truth?”
I could see the indecision on her face. “I want to, but then the part of me that is self-preserving is like, don’t do it. It could end badly. Do I really need that in my life?”
I thought about what I would do. I felt like I knew Nicole well enough to give her the push I could see she was looking for. “Nicole, it is probably going to be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life, but I think you have to reach out to her. If you don’t call, write, or visit her, you are always going to wonder what if. I don’t think you will ever be able to have any real peace in your life if you don’t make an effort. I know it might hurt and it might open up an old wound, but once you know for certain, you can properly heal.”
She was looking at me with admiration, making me entirely uncomfortable. “You’re very wise.”
I chuckled. “Thanks. If only I could take my own advice.”
“Isn’t that why they say doctors make the worst patients?” She giggled.
I wasn’t sure what that meant, but it sounded right. “I guess so.”
“So, oh wise one, do you think I would make a good mother?”
I buttered a slice of toast before looking at her. “I think you would be, yes.”
“I’ve never had a mother, and I have no real idea what a mother is supposed to do,” she said, completely serious. “Does that change your opinion on the matter?”
I scowled, not liking where the conversation was going. “I don’t know. Why does it matter? We’re not talking about kids.”
“Why can’t we?” she asked with a look in her eye that made me very worried. “Just hypothetical. Could you see me with a baby on my hip or taking a toddler to the park to play?”
“Nicole, why are you even talking about having a baby? I can tell you with certainty I’m not cut out to be a dad. I don’t want to be a dad, if that’s where this conversation is going. I’m not father material,” I said somewhat firmly, dropping the buttered toast on a plate and pushing it to her.
She looked down at the food offering and then back at me. I could see she was pissed.
“You’re not father material,” she repeated, taking a bite of toast.
“No, I’m n
ot. You might make an excellent mother. I don’t know, but I know I’m not in any position to think about that kind of thing. I don’t know that I ever will be.”
She nodded, slowly chewing her food. I could see the tension in her shoulders. If it had been possible for her to breathe fire, I was convinced it would have shot out her nostrils. I had no idea where her baby talk came from, but I needed to shut that down in a hurry. I was more than happy to talk about our future and making a commitment to our relationship, but kids felt like we were leapfrogging over a whole bunch of other stuff.
We ate in silence, the tension in the room growing thicker with each passing second. I wasn’t sure what to say to make it better, to fix what I had clearly broken. I decided the best approach was to give her a little time. I watched as she slid off the stool and scraped the remaining breakfast into the trash before depositing the plate in the sink. She walked out of the kitchen without saying a word.
“Good job,” I hissed to myself.
I finished my breakfast. The food lost all appeal, and I found myself scraping quite a bit into the trash as well. I began wiping down the area, trying to stay busy. Truthfully, I was trying to stay out of her way, and pretending I was busy was one way to do that.
I heard her footsteps and turned to see her coming down the hallway, her purse slung over her shoulder. She was fully dressed. I glanced down at myself, standing in just my briefs, and had the fleeting thought she expected me to take her home in my underwear.
“Nicole?” I asked.
“See you later,” she said, not looking at me as she walked to the front door.
“Where are you going?” I asked, dropping the sponge and following her.
“I have a ride,” she said and walked out the door, shutting it behind her with no real force. She just closed it with such finality it felt like I had been slapped.
I stared at the closed door for several seconds, shock freezing me to the spot. “What the hell?” I murmured before springing into action and crossing the room to open the door.
A car was pulling away from the house with Nicole in the backseat. She’d actually walked out on me. Why? What the hell had I said that had been so wrong? She was talking about kids! Who in the hell talks about having kids a month into a relationship? I nodded at one of my neighbors driving past and then remembered I was standing on the front stoop of my house in my underwear.
I went back inside and slammed the door behind me. Now I was mad. I didn’t like drama. The whole thing was exactly why I hated relationships. I hated the fights and hurt feelings and all the bullshit that went along with trying to be with someone.
Was it worth it?
Chapter 30
Nicole
I climbed the stairs up to my apartment, my mind reeling. I felt like I was on overload. Every little problem felt amplified. I wanted to run and bury my head in the sand and pretend everything was okay. Just then, Rand’s private beach would have been the perfect place to hide.
I could pretend Alec didn’t die. If he hadn’t died, I would have never met Rand, and I would never know I had a mother out there who didn’t want me. The last one I might have eventually found out, but on my own terms. It wouldn’t have been dropping in my lap like a meteorite falling from the sky and imploding my entire world. Sometimes, life was just so damn cruel. It was as if those Greek gods Alec loved so much were truly up there in Elysium fucking around with the mortals’ lives with no rhyme or reason.
“Woah, what are you doing home?” Alena asked when I burst through the door.
“I’m not working today,” I grumbled, tossing my purse on the table.
She nodded. “I can see that. Is everything okay? You look a little flushed.”
I shook my head. “No. Nothing is okay. I don’t know if it will ever be okay again. My entire world has been turned inside out. How can life go from being boring and normal to a fiery pit of hell overnight?”
She held up a hand. “Slow down.”
“I can’t slow down!”
“You’re being just a little dramatic,” she said dryly. “I see no flames.”
“There’s so much I have to tell you!” I wailed.
She nodded her head, holding her hand out to me like I were a wild animal she was attempting to tame. “Okay. Why don’t we go get some coffee, decaf for you, and we can talk about everything? We’ll take this all down a notch before you give yourself an anxiety attack.”
I bobbed my head up and down. “Okay. Good. Yes. Coffee. Wait, decaf?” I wrinkled my nose.
“The baby,” she reminded me.
“Oh god. The baby. I can’t drink alcohol or caffeine! Seriously, pit of hell. I have fallen into a pit of hell, and I can’t have any vices! What a cruel world!”
Alena burst into laughter. “Damn woman, you really know how to lose your shit. Relax. Take a deep breath, and let me get my damn shoes on. You need a walk.”
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or scream in anger. I was a hot mess and needed to focus. I was freaking out. Walking sounded like a good first step to putting things back in order in my brain. When I focused, I could sort through the many issues in front of me and come up with a plan. I needed a plan. Everything would be okay with a plan.
She grabbed her purse, and we left the apartment. She forced me to slow my stroll, insisting I needed to breathe in the fresh air and let it relax me.
The smell of the rich coffee behind the counter of one of our favorite little shops was delicious. I could practically taste the bold flavors of the espresso. The espresso I wouldn’t be drinking. I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be relegated to decaf, but I figured with enough sugar and cream, I could make it palatable.
We sat at an outside table, an umbrella keeping the sun off us while we did a little people watching. The calm, boring activity was exactly what I needed to get my emotions in check. The fiery pit of hell I had felt like I’d been dumped in subsided. Now, I just felt like I was in a slow burning hell.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” she asked.
“Alec left me a packet. I guess his lawyer has had it this whole time. Seriously, why am I just now getting this?”
“Take a step back. A packet? Did he leave you money? If he left you a big chunk of money, I don’t want to hear another word about your life being a fiery pit of hell.”
I rolled my eyes. “He didn’t leave me any money. Rand gave me the packet yesterday.” I took a deep breath, steeling myself to tell her about the letter. “Apparently, Alec hired an investigator to hunt down my mother.”
“I thought she was dead.”
I shrugged a shoulder. “So, did I. I mean, I assumed she was, but I never really knew for absolute certain. In many ways, I think it was easier to believe she was dead.”
“So, he found her?”
I nodded my head. “Yep. There is an address in the paperwork. I can’t believe she’s really alive.”
Her mouth dropped open before she snapped it shut. “That is shocking. I’m a little dumbfounded myself.”
“I have reread the papers over and over, and it just seems unreal. I don’t know what to do,” I confessed, needing her good advice.
She sipped her coffee before pulling off her sunglasses and looking directly at me. I took off my sunglasses as well. “You have to go to her. You need to be direct and ask her what the hell happened.”
I grimaced, having a feeling she would say that, but terrified of what that meeting would look like. “I don’t know if I can.”
“You have to,” she insisted. “You know you have to, and I know that’s what you want to do. This isn’t something you have to think about. This is something you have to do, or you will never have any peace.”
“What if she doesn’t want to see me?”
“Then you tell her to fuck off and be on your way. At least then you will know she’s a horrible person, and you can officially close that chapter in your life. You won’t have to give h
er another thought. I know it’s haunting you. I’ve heard the way you talk about her or the look you get when you mention your mother. You need to do this for yourself. It isn’t about her. It’s about you. You can look the woman in the eyes and ask her why she abandoned you. I doubt she’s going to have a good answer, but you’ll know, and you’ll be able to move on. You have a bright future in front of you. Don’t let this woman haunt you.”
“You’re right,” I said. “I know you’re right, and deep down, I know I have to confront her. It’s something I have thought about a lot. I go from hating her to wanting to love her.”
“It’s understandable. You’ve been through a lot. No one can blame you for being angry. What you lived through…” She stopped talking, shaking her head. “I’m angry with her for leaving you in that situation.”
“I asked Rand if he thought I would be a good mother. His answer was he doesn’t want to be a dad and that he would be terrible at being a father.” I waited to see her reaction.
“Did you tell him about the baby?”
I shook my head. “No way, especially not after that.”
She smiled. It wasn’t the response I was expecting. “Nicole, you have only been seeing him for a very short time. You told me you didn’t know if it was serious. It isn’t surprising that he says he doesn’t want to be a father. I think it’s pretty common for young, single men to balk at the idea of being a daddy—until it happens.”
“Maybe, but he was very adamant about not wanting children.”
She shrugged. “Then, so be it. I know you’ll be a good mother. Women raise babies by themselves all the time. In the grand scheme of things, that is not your biggest concern right now. First, you handle the mother situation. When you come back, you talk to Rand and tell him you are pregnant. One hurdle at a time. You don’t have to solve all of your problems right this minute.” She emphasized her words by slapping the tabletop.
My Favorite Mistake Page 18