“Oh man, that’s a long story.”
“You better tell me because I am so damn confused right now. All I want to do is eat a meatball sub,” he said, the familiar longing in his voice whenever he talked about the sandwich.
“She asked me if she would be a good mom,” I said. “I didn’t know she was pregnant. I told her I didn’t know. I told her I didn’t want to be a dad. She got mad and left. But again, I didn’t know she was pregnant.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I didn’t know!” I said. “How could I possibly know?”
“You really need to start talking to me more,” he said. “I could have helped you pull your head out of your ass.”
“Thanks.”
“So, you followed her to the US?” he asked.
“Kind of,” I said. “I didn’t know she’d left Crete. It took a little looking before I finally got her roommate to tell me. I hopped on the first flight out of there and got here just a bit ago.”
“Oh Rand, maybe you should have just stayed in Greece,” he said. “I think you’re just going to get yourself into more trouble over there. You seem to have a real problem with saying and doing the right things. I think you need to be here so I can keep an eye on you.”
“Yes, where would I be without you and your fantastic advice?” I asked with lots of sarcasm.
“I am happy for you, man. You’re going to figure this out. I know you will. She’s a good woman. I like her. She’s humble, smart, and pretty, something I don’t think you’ve ever brought home before. It’s about damn time you picked one of the good ones.”
“I wouldn’t be getting too high up on that horse, Mr. Single Guy,” I retorted.
“Hey, I’m waiting for the right one,” he said with authority. “I’m not trying to go after ladies that are not up to my standard.”
“Yeah, that’s what we’ll call it,” I said with a laugh.
“Thanks for checking in with me,” Cade said, and I could hear the appreciation.
“You’re welcome,” I said. “I’m sorry I fell off the face of the earth for a few days. I’m going to be here a while, getting this straightened out and hopefully coming home with Nicole.”
“Talk to you later,” he said and ended the call.
I put the phone on the small circular table between the two chairs and looked around the room. I really hoped Nicole would show up. She hadn’t made any real commitment, but she didn’t flat out shoot me down.
Her mother seemed nice. I was happy for her. I had been terrified the meeting would go horribly. I had imagined myself getting to West Virginia and finding Nicole a crumbled mess. I couldn’t imagine her having to deal with a major letdown on her own.
I didn’t want her to feel like she was alone. Ever. I never wanted her to feel like she had to face anything alone. I had to make her see I was worthy of being her partner. I was worthy of being the guy standing behind her, offering support, encouraging her when she was struggling.
I knew I wasn’t perfect, not even close, but I could work on it. I wanted to work on it.
I wanted to be a better man.
Chapter 36
Nicole
I went back into the kitchen where my mother was pretending to be busy with the dishes. I picked up the towel and began to dry the dishes in the rack. We worked in silence for several minutes. I couldn’t believe he’d come all the way around the world to talk to me. I had begun feeling guilty about the way I had stormed out and realized I might have overreacted just a little, but in the moment, it was my initial reaction.
“He’s very handsome,” she finally commented.
I giggled, knowing she’d been holding that in. “Yes, he is.”
“He traveled all the way here from Greece,” she stated.
“Yes, he did.”
We finished the dishes and moved into her living room. “Why did you leave him?” she asked softly.
I sighed. “Because I don’t know if he’s the man for me.”
“Why do you think that?”
“He doesn’t want children,” I told her. “He’s convinced he will make a horrible dad.”
She nodded. “I see, and you’re worried he might be like your father?”
I grimaced. “I don’t think he could ever be like that, but I think about my life, and I don’t want that for a child. What if the right decision is to have him not be a part of the child’s life? I don’t want to make my child miserable by giving him one inadequate parent and one parent who doesn’t want him or her.”
“Wait, are you saying you’re inadequate?” she asked.
“I have zero ideas of how to be a good parent,” I said, expressing my biggest fear. “I don’t mean this as an insult to you, but I truly have nothing to go on. I don’t have any experience. I don’t know how I’m going to raise a child.”
She took a deep breath, exhaling before speaking. “Okay, first of all, you’re going to make an excellent mother. You are a kind woman. I can see that just from the short time we’ve been together. Second, I know bad men. I’ve seen them, and I can tell you with certainty, Rand is not a bad man. He might be a little naïve but not bad. You’ve seen bad, Nicole.”
“But you didn’t think Dad was bad,” I pointed out.
She looked remorseful. “I didn’t think he was bad because I refused to let myself see the signs. I didn’t have the best childhood growing up. I think I wanted to believe he was different. I saw the good in him, and that’s what I chose to hold on to. I didn’t let myself think too much about the bad. When he’d get drunk and would get mean, I blamed the alcohol. The next day, he would be better, and I could tell myself it was just that one time or it was just when he drank Jack Daniels. I think when I got pregnant, it gave me clarity. It was as if the rose-colored glasses had been removed and I saw him for who he really was. By then, I was in a situation I didn’t know how to get out of.”
“I cannot imagine how terrifying that was for you. Were your parents around to help you?” I was completely clueless about her entire side of the family.
She gave a slow shake of her head. “No. My mother passed away when I was in high school. She had liver disease. My father, oh, he was a piece of work. He died at the ripe age of forty-two when he wrapped his car around a tree after a night of heavy drinking. I had no one. It was another way for him to control me. I had nowhere to go, no one to protect me, no one to defend me.”
I shook my head, feeling guilty for all the horrible thoughts I had about her over the years and even on the plane ride home. “I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be. I’m not to be pitied. You are going to be an excellent mother, and I know you probably think I have no business offering my help, but I can help you. I know how to change a diaper, and I’d be happy to get up for the late-night feedings. You might not trust me to care for your child right now, but I hope with time, you will see I’m not that scared, naïve woman I was all those years ago. I’m stronger now.”
“I think you were strong then,” I told her.
“Thank you,” she said. “I’m excited for our future. Have you been to a doctor? Do you know how far along you are?”
I shook my head. “No, I took a test in the airport bathroom,” I said with a laugh.
“What?” she gasped.
“I had a feeling I was pregnant, but I didn’t know for sure. My roommate convinced me to take the test, so I knew for certain. Things all happened really fast.” I shook my head at the craziness of the past couple of days. “I think I’m maybe around six weeks, but I don’t know for sure.”
“It certainly sounds like you’ve had a wild ride to get where you are right now,” she said with a smile. “They say everything happens for a reason. I have to believe all the heartache we’ve both been through happened for a reason. I hate that we lived through it, but seeing you on my doorstep yesterday, that is a moment that I wouldn’t trade for the world.”
I wasn’t sure I bought into that logic, but I smiled and
nodded. “I am going to choose to look forward. Always look forward. That’s what Alec always told me.”
“Alec is the man you worked for?”
“Yes. He was a kind, sweet man. He took me in and treated me like one of his. Rand is actually his grandson,” I added.
She raised her eyebrows. “Really?”
I nodded and quickly told her about our first meeting. It wasn’t exactly a romantic story, but it was unique. We didn’t meet at a bar or bump into each other in the frozen foods section. I liked our story, even if it was a little crazy.
“Oh my, that is certainly something your child is going to get a good laugh at one day,” she predicted.
“Our child,” I mused aloud. “That still freaks me out a little. I feel like I’m a kid myself. How can I be having a child?”
“Have you thought about having kids?” she asked seriously.
I shrugged a shoulder. “Not really. I mean, I thought about it, but I never actually gave it any serious thought. I always thought I would be married and older and settled.”
She chuckled. “That’s the way normal people do it, but you’re extraordinary. You like to do things the hard way. You like a challenge. Strong people like to be challenged. Everything you experience in life is giving you strength. You have had a lot to deal with, and therefore, I know you are a tough, strong woman who is going to stumble again, but you’ll get back up and keep moving on.”
“I think I would like to be normal,” I muttered.
“You were born to be great,” she exclaimed.
I raised an eyebrow. “Really? Is this a pep talk you’ve been practicing?”
She slapped her thigh. “Yes, actually, it is.”
“Well, thank you, but I’m okay being average. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”
“Your young man, what does he do?” she asked.
“He isn’t my young man, but he works for a social media marketing company,” I explained.
She nodded as if I had given her the right answer. “He’s wealthy?”
I shrugged. “I suppose.”
“He’ll take care of you and,” she held up a hand to stop me from protesting, “before you say you don’t need taking care of, you do. We all do. Let him be involved and lean on him. This is his child, and if he can’t offer emotional support, let him offer financial support. Trust me, it isn’t cheap trying to raise a child.”
“I’ll be okay. I don’t want him to think I’m using him.”
She shook her head. “There is no using anyone. It’s about the two of you working together to give your child what he or she needs.”
I knew she was right, but pride was standing in my way. “I don’t know. I have no idea what I’m going to say to him. I can’t believe he is here. I’m still a little stunned by that.”
“Do you love him?” she asked gently.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
“Nicole, I love spending time with you, and I hope we get to spend a lot more time together, but you need to go and talk to him. I saw the look on his face. He looked absolutely miserable. He was trying not to touch you. It was sweet and endearing, and I don’t think you want to miss the opportunity to talk with him.”
“That was jetlag, Mom,” I said dryly.
“I don’t think so. He looked exhausted for sure, but the way he was looking at you?” She stopped, shaking her head. “He looked like a man starving. He needs you. I’ll be here. You go and talk to him.”
“I came here to see you,” I said. “The situation with Rand and I requires a little more time to sort out. I’m not sure I’m ready to talk with him yet. I feel like it’s just going to be us going around in circles. I don’t want to fight with him, and I certainly don’t want to say something we might regret later.”
“I’m certainly no relationship expert, but if you don’t say what’s on your mind, how are you ever going to know what one another is thinking?” she asked.
I thought about it and realized she was right. What was the worst that could happen? He got mad, and I got mad? That wasn’t anything new. I guessed the worst would be him walking away and saying he never wanted to see me again and never wanted to have anything to do with our child. That would be the worst.
I could live through that, especially now that I had my mother. I was a strong woman.
“Okay,” I said.
“Good girl,” she said, patting my leg.
“What if—”
She slowly shook her head. “Don’t play the what if game. I think you need to give him a chance. He might not tell you exactly what you want to hear, but that’s part of the process. Give and take, give and take, and then eventually you’ll figure it out. Don’t sit here worrying about trouble that hasn’t happened and might not happen.”
“I’m going to change,” I said, suddenly anxious to see him.
She smiled as I headed down the hall to put on something a little less wrinkled and wash my face. It only took me a few minutes to freshen up. My mother was waiting for me when I walked back into the living room.
“I know we’ve just met, but can I hug you?” she asked.
I nodded. “You can. I think I would really like that.”
She stepped toward me. I tried to relax, but it was weird, good, but kind of strange. She embraced me, patting my back before taking a step back. “Be open, be honest, and let him talk.”
I laughed. “It’s like you know me.”
“I do, honey. I do.”
I grabbed my purse and the keys to the rental car. I was nervous to see him. Nervous and anxious. It had only been a couple of days, but I missed him. I missed him holding me and just being near.
I hoped the conversation went well and we could find a way to be together.
Chapter 37
Rand
I thought about taking a nap but quickly dismissed the idea in case Nicole came by and I missed it. I could stay up a little longer. I just needed a blast of caffeine to keep going.
I looked at the small coffeemaker sitting on the counter and curled my lip. That did not look appealing. The place didn’t have a minibar, which meant I was going to have to find some change for the vending machine I had seen down the hall. I reached into the pocket of my wrinkled pants and pulled out a handful of the coins I had collected after my airport purchase. I wasn’t all that familiar with American money, but I hoped I could figure it out.
I opened the door, prepared to tackle the vending machine situation, and found Nicole just stepping off the elevator. “Nicole?” I asked with surprise.
“Hi.”
“You’re here,” I whispered, my need for caffeine forgotten.
It was her I needed. I took several long strides down the hall toward her and pulled her into my arms, holding her as if I had lost her for a long time and was seeing her for the first time. Her arms went around me, hugging me tightly as we stood in the hallway for several long seconds. I didn’t want to move. She felt so right, so perfect there in my arms.
“Let’s go inside,” I said, holding her close to my side as we walked together into my room. “Can I get you something?” I asked before realizing I had nothing to offer.
“I’m fine,” she answered.
“Have a seat.” I gestured to one of the chairs.
I sat in the empty one, unable to stop looking at her as I drank in the sight of her. She’d changed and put on a little makeup since I’d seen her just a little bit ago. She looked beautiful, but she’d looked beautiful then. Maybe I was a little sappy because I wasn’t sure she would come, but I was thrilled she had.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” she said, looking at me.
“I wanted to talk to you. I couldn’t find you there, so I came here.” I answered as if it were no big deal.
“We could have talked when I got back,” she replied.
I shook my head. “I wasn’t sure you were coming back, and I didn’t think this was something that could wait.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Technically, I didn’t know for sure until about five minutes before I boarded the plane. I was scared.”
I reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “You don’t have to be afraid of me—ever. I didn’t react the way you wanted me to, and for that, I apologize. Nicole, I was being honest when I told you I didn’t know if I would make a good father. There are some things about me you don’t know.”
“So, tell me.”
I nodded. “I think we both have some secrets to tell. We both have things in our past that are hanging over our heads and making it difficult for us to fully trust one another. Would you agree?”
She slowly nodded. “I would.”
“I want to be a good dad, but I am terrified I will fail in my duty to protect any child, including my own,” I said, the words feeling thick on my tongue as I tried to get them out.
I knew it was time to unburden myself, but I was scared. Terrified. Talking about the past wasn’t easy. I chose not to think or talk about it because that was the easy way out. If I wanted her in my life, I had to take the high road.
“Tell me,” she whispered.
I cleared my throat. “I had a little sister,” I said, trying to keep the emotion out of the story. I could give her the facts and just the facts.
“Okay,” she encouraged. “What happened?”
“She died,” I answered bluntly.
“I’m sorry.”
I had to get the story out, but I couldn’t do it with her touching me. I pulled my hand away and went to the dark void I had created in my brain. It was where I went when I needed to detach myself from a situation. Not just any situation—the situation.
“We were at the beach, my parents, Demokritos, and my little sister, Cara,” I said, the memory filling in like a blurred camera lens coming into focus. “My parents and Demokritos had gone down the beach to get something to drink, I think it was. Before they left, my mom told me to keep an eye on Cara. I always watched Cara. We spent a lot of time on the beach, and I knew she knew how to swim. I was on the shore, building a sandcastle. Cara was in the water, splashing around and playing with a doll.”
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