NEGAHOLICS
Stop Being Negative
Reclaim your Happiness
Originally A Ballantine Wellspring Book
currently
Published by Motivation Management Service, LP Publishing Company, Chiang Mai, Thailand
Copyright © 1989 by Chérie Carter-Scott
First Ballantine Books Mass Market Edition:
September 1990
First Ballantine Books Trade Edition: August 1996
All rights reserved.
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number:
96-96619
ISBN: 978-0-9850136-5-3
Manufactured in Chiang Mai, Thailand
DEDICATION
I dedicate this book to all those people who have given their time, energy, dedication, and love to the continuation and perpetuation of our MMS Institute Coach Training, Management Development courses, our personal Development courses, especially, the Inner Negotiation Workshop.
My two loving and dedicated partners: Lynn Stewart and Michael Pomije, without whom it would not have been possible.
To Warren Bennis, Diane Reverand, and Jim Stein, who believed in me and provided feedback in ways that truly enhanced this book.
All the case studies used in this book were based on actual experiences with workshop participants, clients of MMS Institute or The MMS Worldwide Institute. All names have been changed to honor their confidentiality. It is with gratitude that they are acknowledged in their anonymity for their contribution to our work and this book.
Contents
Introduction
1 Negaholism
Do you have Negaholic Tendencies? ∙ Danny and his Negattacks ∙ Waking up to the War ∙ The “I can/I can’t” ∙ Negaholism Takes Four Different Forms ∙ Attitudinal Negaholism ∙ Perfectionist ∙ Never-Good-Enough Person ∙ Slave Driver ∙ Negaholic Behaviors are Demonstrated ∙ Procrastinator ∙ Pattern Repeater ∙ Never-Measure-Up ∙ Mental Negaholism ∙ Constant Critic ∙ Comparing Contestant ∙ Retroactive Fault-Finder ∙ Premature Invalidator ∙ Verbal Negaholics ∙ Constant Complainer ∙ Bear Trapper ∙ Herald of Disasters ∙ Gloom and Doomer ∙ Self-Sabotage, or Shooting Yourself in the Foot
2 How It All Happened
Loyalty Above All Else ∙ An Unconscious Loyalty Toward Your Parents ∙ Selective Amnesia Regarding Past Incidents ∙ Rose-Colored Glasses Are Used in Hindsight ∙ Your True Feelings Were Often Denied or Suppressed ∙ The Origin of Negaholism ∙ The History of Negaholics ∙ The Roots of the Tree ∙ Don’t Leave Me
∙ What About Me? ∙ The Honeymoon Is Over ∙ Turning Princes into Frogs ∙ In Search of the Tragic Flaw ∙ Do You Really Love Me? Prove It ∙ Co-Creation: The Cure-All ∙ Welcome to Your Dysfunctional Home ∙ You Are to Blame! ∙ The Layers of the Onion Skin ∙ The Puzzle of Parenting ∙ The Seven Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family ∙ Dysfunctional Families Produce Negaholics
3 Stress and Addictive Behavior
What Is Stress? ∙ What Produces Stress? ∙ Temporary Relief ∙ The Reese’s Rush ∙ Peeking Underneath the Behavior ∙ How I Was Supposed to Be ∙ Where Do Addictions Originate? ∙ The Addictive Personality Traits ∙ The Key Elements Which Underline All Addictive Behavior ∙ Why Do You Become Addicted? ∙ Triple Imprint
4 To Feel or Not To Feel
Barbara’s Breakthrough ∙ Ceil’s Choices ∙ Don’t Rock the Boat ∙ Feeling Left Out Hurts ∙ Feeling Are Not Thoughts ∙ Creative Case-Building ∙ Barometers and Signals ∙ Feeling Are Purposeful ∙ Disconnection from Feelings ∙ Designer Feelings ∙ Feelings Are the Lights on the Dashboard of Life ∙ Tell Me/I Don’t Want to Know ∙ Society Looks Down Its Nose ∙ Embarrassment Reigns and Terrorizes ∙ The Five Steps to the Successful Management of Emotions ∙ The Secret Ledger of the Subconscious
5 The Voices Within
What Are the Voices? ∙ Identifying Internal Voices ∙ Your Choice: Train, Negotiate, or Evict ∙ Elena the Workaholic ∙ Where Do the Voices Come From? ∙ Internal Voice Management ∙ Creating Drama
6 Be On The Alert For
The Anatomy of Self-Torment ∙ Life’s Getting Too Good, Let’s Screw It Up∙ Woe Is Me, What can the Matter Be? ∙ The Fear Takeover ∙ The “Yeah-Buts” on the Heels of Choice ∙ Toss Me a Life Preserver, I’m Going Under!
7 The Antidotes To the Beat-up Syndrome
Be Patient With Yourself ∙ Ten Acknowledgments a Day… ∙ Good News/Bad News List ∙ Pats on the Cheek ∙ Managing Daily Stress ∙ Self-Questioning to Get to the Source ∙ Mood Enhancers ∙ Reframing Reality ∙ There’s Got to Be a Pony ∙ Rewriting Your Childhood ∙ Management by Fear ∙ Management by Participation ∙ Self-Management ∙ Motivation Through Choice ∙ Vision Board ∙ Manage Your Motivation ∙ The Beater-Meter ∙ “HMMMMM” ∙ Self-Trust ∙ When You Let Yourself Down ∙ Under Promise, Over Deliver ∙ Building a Case List ∙ Aspiring to Be Your Best Self ∙ The Forgiveness Letter ∙ Declaration of Selfhood ∙ Ritualizing Events ∙ Mind Dialoguing to Get off the Fence ∙ Steps to get off the Fence ∙ Journal Keeping ∙ Nurtures ∙ The Expectation/Reality Gap ∙ The Punching-Bag Relationship ∙ The Hall of Mirrors in Relationships ∙ Let People Be Who They Are ∙ Using Your Body to Unblock Your Feelings ∙ Letting the Child Within Out to Play ∙ Keeping Your Sense of Humor ∙ A Commitment to Making Myself Right, No Matter What
8 Additional Tools for Critical Moments
Emergency Measures ∙ Help! ∙ How to Conduct an Attitude Adjustment ∙ Use Panic Creatively ∙ Pulverizing a Panic Attack ∙ This is a Job for the Good Fairy ∙ Designing Your Own Fire Drill ∙ Do It Right ∙ One Day at a Time ∙ The Practical Use of Prayer ∙ The Pitfalls of Prayer ∙ Counting Your Blessing ∙ Maneuvering ∙ Out of the Muck and Mire ∙ Reaching Out to Others ∙ Murmur a Mantra Using Positive Triggers as a Tap on the Shoulder ∙ The Power of Choice ∙ Maybe It’s Behind the Mayonnaise? ∙ What If You Get No Messages
9 Listen to Your Inner Wisdom
Spiritual DNA, the Inner Guide ∙ Listen for the Bong ∙ A Message to Move ∙ The Message Gets You Unstuck ∙ Go Stand on the Corner! ∙ The Lord Will Save Me! ∙ Messages Will Knock You Down If They Have To ∙ Messages Come Through Loud and Clear ∙ Message Aren’t Always What They Appear ∙ Creative Messages
10 Achievement of Serenity
Survival ∙ Struggle ∙ Stability ∙ Self-Determinism ∙ Seeking ∙ Striving ∙ Stardom ∙Self-Actualization ∙ Serenity
APPENDICES
Resources
The Twelve Steps
Bibliography
Additional Titles
About the Author
Introduction
Negaholism is a condition in which people unconsciously talk themselves out of their visions, dreams, and goals. They diminish their capabilities, tell themselves that they can’t have what they want, and at times even sabotage their wishes, desires, and dreams. They impose limitations on their capacity to be happy, fulfilled, and make a difference.
This book is about how Negaholism manifests in daily life of normal everyday people. The beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions that keep us disrespected, disregarded, are more the norm than the exception.
When you read this book, you will definitely recognize someone you know who is a Negaholic. You will understand them better and you will feel more compassion rather than judging and avoiding them. You will learn ways to support them using tools and techniques described in this book to help them out of the Negaholic trap. You will help them change old negative patterns and embark on a positive, healthy, and joyful way of life.
In October 1974, I received a “message” to help people discover their own answers to challenging situations. I knew that I could create a safe environment to help people find their own answers since I had been doing this in
tuitively all my life. Simultaneously, I received a call from a friend who asked if I could help him articulate his vision for his company and map out a winning strategy. He was an entrepreneur with his own business. After our coaching session, he was so pleased with the results of our session that he told everyone he knew about the safe, exciting, and profound results. My phone started ringing off the hook with requests from a variety of people asking if I could help them with various choices: career selection, relationships, health challenges, where to live, and fulfilling their dreams and goals. It was almost overwhelming, however, I told them that I wouldn’t be advising them, but rather asking them probing questions to enable them to discover their own answers…which were, in fact, much better than any advice I could give them.
I emphasized that, the treasure or answer always resides within, but the various layers of confusion, doubt, uncertainty, and fear often eclipse it. The challenge is to penetrate through the layers of “I don’t know” and pierce through to the essential knowing level where they experience, “I know,” the hidden pearl within.
As I began “coaching” I found my clients’ results to be absolutely amazing. Every person without exception found his/her true answers, after some time focused on their deepest desires. When I say “true” answers, I don’t mean what they “should” do, but rather what they really “want” to do. These are answers that resonate inside. These are not the “right” answers, which may sound good, or will gain approval, but are the ones that feel right in your gut. There was no denying the feeling of rightness to each person I coached. The process was simple and profound.
I was concerned that maybe I needed a special degree, certificate, or license in order to do this work, so I called a friend who was a psychiatrist and asked him if I was doing anything that could damage anyone. He asked if I was psychoanalyzing, prescribing, suggesting, directing, or in any way dispensing advice. I responded that, quite the opposite, I was merely asking open-ended questions, actively listening, and focusing all of my attention on the client. He said many professionals ask question, and there was nothing wrong with doing so. Business consultants, retail sales people, even travel agents, ask questions—it enables them to do their jobs better by finding out the key information necessary to serve the client. He said I didn’t need any credentials to ask questions.
An acquaintance called and commented that she heard I was doing outstanding work. I replied humbly that I was merely asking simple questions. She claimed that the “buzz” was that something different and special seemed to be going on in my sessions and asked if she could watch. One of my clients agreed, and after the session, she exclaimed, “That was amazing! You ask open-ended question. You suspended judgment. You created a safe environment. You encouraged the client to use his imagination and explore his fantasies. You had no agenda for him, nor did you know what was coming next. You never gave any advice, you didn’t steer him, you didn’t know what was best for him, nor did you give any of your own good ideas.”
I said, “That’s true, but I guess anyone could do that.”
“Oh no they can’t,” she said. “You have a talent!”
“Come on,” I claimed in sheer disbelief, “I just asked some simple questions.”
To which she retorted, “I can play music by ear. I can hear a tune, and sit down at the piano and play it. Can you do that?”
“No, you have a real gift!” I replied.
“You too have a gift, only most of the world doesn’t recognize it. You happen to be born with an ability to work with people by drawing out their answers. It is amazing to watch how elegantly you do that. Not everyone can do what you have just done. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.”
Shortly thereafter, she joined me as a partner in the new venture, Motivation Management Service (MMS), later to be much better known as MMS Institute. We formulated an organizational workshop, designed to let individuals learn self-management skills. Later, people wanted to eliminate the obstacles n their way and the Inner Negotiation Workshop came into existence.
I’ve coached in one-to-one sessions as well as in group workshop. The same essential issues were present in my studies and in my work:
• How can I have what I want in my life?
• How can I have intimate relationships that I want?
• How can I have the body that I want?
• How can I feel good about myself?
• How can I have the job that utilizes my abilities and skills?
• What can I do that will give me satisfaction, and reward me monetarily?
• How can I have my environment be the way I want it?
• How can I design a life that makes me feel as if I am fulfilling my life purpose?
The process has three specific parts:
1. Clarifying what you want
2. Strategizing an action plan
3. Being supported in the realization of the dream
There is a definite beginning, middle, and end to every challenge. We are not so much interested in the “why” or the “how” as the “what” and the “when.” What do you want? What does it look like? What will it take? What do you need to get there? The process is short-term and solution-oriented. It is so utterly pure and simple that it boggles the mind. The key elements are safety, encouragement, and validation, coupled with honest and direct questions. The process assumes nothing. It reverses the roles of student and teacher, of audience and actor, of spectator and participator. The coach is not an expert but rather a catalyst for discovery, an agent of change, a midwife aiding you in birthing the true you that has always been present waiting for the proper moment to emerge.
Abraham Maslow, known as the father of the modern motivational theory, based his famous work Motivation and Personality on his studies of people as psychological specimens. His theory asserts that individuals are more capable, rational, and self-reliant than previous theories had suggested. The central core of his thesis is that man is an ever-wanting animal. As one want gets satisfied, another surfaces. In his “hierarchy of needs” chart, he showed a five-stage progression—from survival, security, and belongingness, to self-esteem and finally self-actualization.
Having worked with clients around the world, varying in age, gender, race, religion, financial status, and life style, I have found that, although concerns span a broad spectrum, most people I have encountered follow the progression outlined in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. There is little similarity between the person who is concerned about basic survival issues such as where he is going to obtain his next meal, where he will sleep, how he will clothe himself, and the person who is focusing on a career change, a divorce, or life purpose. I have found one consistent, all-pervasive theme that appears to be a major issue to all people regardless of their life condition, status in society, or background.
This fundamental issue has been the source of the majority of my clients’ concerns. It is so subtle, so elusive, and so evasive that most people don’t know what to call it or how to address it. The issue I am referring to has been given many names, including “the voice in my head,” “my mind,” “the mind chatter,” “the gremlin inside,” “the monkey on my back,” “the critical parent,” “demons,” and “the pathological critic.”
Have you ever heard these voices inside? Ask yourself if you have heard a chattering in your head, which talks to you? Can you recall a dialogue in your head that was either commenting about you or someone else? If you have, then you are like the vast majority of adults who inhabit our society.
The concept of Negaholism is the result of many years of research and experimentation. My clients have conquered their Negaholism by using the techniques found in this book.
Conquering Negaholism, or overcoming negativity, is what this book is about. It was written to provide you with the tools, techniques, strategies, and methods that will enable you and your clients to overcome Negaholism and embark upon the road to a happy and joyous life, filled with everything you w
ant.
I have written this to help you and your clients to stand up for yourself, claim your right to know what you want, to have what you want, to tell the truth about what you’re feeling, clearly articulate what you want, and learn how to:
• Meet the “I can’ts” head-on
• Fortify the “I cans” and have them become stronger
• Ward off Negattacks before they take over
• Maintain a healthy self-image
• Make Negattacks a thing of the past
• Get what you want in your life
The tools and techniques can and will work for you, too, if you will use them without hesitation.
Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D., MCC
Santa Barbara, CA, 1988
Bangkok, Thailand, 2013
NEGAHOLICS
Stop Being Negative
Reclaim Your Happiness!
1
Negaholism
Think for a moment. Do you ever talk yourself out of:
• A relationship because you think the person is out of your league
• A job opportunity because you’re afraid that you might not measure up to the competition
• An athletic competition because you’re afraid to fail,
• Trying something new because you don’t want to look stupid and be embarrassed
• Buying an expensive piece of art because you don’t trust your taste
• Eliminating weight because you don’t have the willpower
• Planning a vacation because you are fearful that some emergency will force you to cancel
• The car you really want because it’s too much…
If you have ever talked yourself out your wishes, hopes, or dreams, please take the quiz. This is a self-assessment tool that will determine if you or your client might be a Negaholic. By the time you complete this book you will know yourself better, understand your behavior patterns, and most important, you will know what to do to change old habits and behaviors and see your vision to recovery. Please take our Negaholic Quiz.
Negaholics Page 1