“I don’t trust you.”
Her heart felt as though it died.
But then he touched her cheek. “But, Belle, I desperately want to. I don’t know why I can’t.” He seemed frustrated by the truth.
“Is it because of what I did five years ago? You have every reason not to trust me.”
He shook his head. “That’s not true. I tell myself it’s the reason. I even believed it until recently. I’ve been pretending to be angry at you for all these years because I didn’t want to give in to how I truly feel.”
Her heart was working again, double the tempo. “And how do you feel?”
“If I tell you...” His hand stroked her cheek and then he gripped the back of her neck. “It would be a mistake to say it now. I need to know I can follow through before I say it.”
She knew what he wanted to say. They were the same words that rested in her heart. But just to be sure… “So, you don’t hate me?”
“I never hated you,” he confessed. “It was a lie. It was to protect me from you. You’ve given me so much to think about. With every step I took today, I investigated my feelings, not just for you but for everything. I asked myself why I do the things I do. Why do I hurt you? Why won’t I marry? Why do I feel lost now that Van Dero’s organization will need me less? Nick and my grandmother helped me with the last. I wish to join the Order and work with other men of science. Still, I feel unable to trust anyone.”
“You trust Nick and Leo,” she said.
“I trust them to be who they are,” he said. “I trust Nick to depend on me and bother me when he thinks it’s what’s best for me. I trust Leo to not stay in one place for long, but by a miracle be there when I need him most.”
“Do you know the answers to the other questions?” she asked.
He shook his head. He placed his hands on her shoulders. “But until I do, I cannot tell you the depths of my feelings for you.”
“Then I’ll wait to share how I feel when you’re ready.”
He smiled and set his head against hers. “I pray the day will come when I’ve earned that special gift.”
Her love. He knew. They both knew.
She wanted to get them there, but she knew it would take time. It would take trust. She needed him to trust her. “What do you want to know about me?”
“I already know so much.” He pulled away. “Tell me about your years before Gregory.”
They rarely spoke about that part of her life. Belle rarely told anyone about her childhood, but aside from her time with Gregory, she’d never told Oliver anything. She’d been secretive because she’d had to be and then when everything fell apart, Oliver shut her out for good.
Now he wanted to know her.
“I don’t speak of it often,” she said. “But that’s mostly because it’s hard to believe that it ever took place.”
“How so?”
“I had a normal life. I was loved, or at least I thought I was. My parents seemed content with their lives, though my father never had a son. They spent time with me. There was skating on the lake in winter and reading in the drawing-room in the evening.”
She looked toward an empty place on the wall as she remembered the first twelve years of her life. “It was all so normal. I had friends. Mama and I had tea together often. My nursemaid was kind. I had a pretty room full of dolls.”
She looked at Oliver again. “When I think of those days, the girl in the memories is not me.”
“How did your mother die?” Oliver asked.
“Illness. I wasn’t aware of it, but while all seemed well, my father was falling deep into debt. When my mother got sick, it got worse. He didn’t have money to pay for doctors so he asked Gregory for it.”
∫ ∫ ∫
4 8
* * *
As they both fell into silence, Belle thought it time she shared a little more of the darkest part of her life. Her heart raced because she was unsure of how Oliver would take it. Yet she couldn’t hide from him anymore. “When I turned twenty, a gentleman, Lord Mark Lumbar, asked for my hand and Gregory seemed inclined to let me marry him. I was happy for days, believing I would be free of him. I didn’t even love him, but I wanted away from Gregory.”
“What happened?” Oliver asked. “Why didn’t you marry Lord Lumbar?”
“Because one night at dinner, Gregory told me just how powerful he was. He informed me that he’d always planned for me to be at his side. He saw me at ten and knew what I could become with training. He set my father up, told his creditors to demand their payments in full, destroyed our crops, had businessmen present my father with false investment plans. He did it all just so he could have me.”
She narrowed her eyes. “That was how evil he was. Two years of strategy and I was his. My father never stood a chance. It was either his life and reputation or my freedom. Twenty years. My beauty would grow. There would still be time for me to find happiness later in life. What was thirty-two when I was already showing signs that I’d have the face of a woman who could tempt men half my age?”
She sighed. “My father gave me up and I gave up Mark. I would not let Gregory drag him into his world, to become a slave like me. But it didn’t matter anyway. I told Mark to run and either he did or he was killed. This was all before we met, so I know you had nothing to do with it, much less know who Mark is.” She’d fallen into a dark place after that. Laudanum and drinking had become her escape.
Oliver touched her chin. “If I could go back and slit Gregory’s throat, I would.”
“I’m glad you didn’t kill Gregory,” she said. “And I’m glad Van Dero is retiring his swords… mostly. Everything happened the way it should have. Irene only found out about her father’s corruption because the solicitor mixed up her and Cassius’ will holdings. Had it gone any other way, who knows what could have happened? Gregory’s corruption might have flourished as he promised it would have.”
“I hate that he hurt you, and there was nothing I could do to take away your pain.”
She smiled. “You will never know how many times I contemplated giving up.”
He looked shocked. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s only fair I speak the truth.” She licked her lips. “No year was worse than when I was twenty. I found ways to numb my mind. Then a man came along that Van Dero wanted me to tempt, and he forced me to sober up for the assignment.” Unable to meet Oliver’s eyes anymore, she let hers fall. “He was a naval officer on a ship, and Van Dero wanted me to get something on that ship. He wanted the captain to smuggle for him.”
Oliver dropped his hand.
Belle took a deep breath and then calmed when his arm went around her shoulder.
“I’m listening,” he said.
She leaned her head on his chest. “I was dropped off at the docks and stood with the lightskirts, waiting to reel in a solider. One grabbed me and we went to a room that had been prepared for me. He thought me older, because of the way I was acting, but when he—”
“Say no more.”
“We didn’t do anything. I couldn’t go through with it. I began to cry. I was far too sober to do anything. He calmed me and then we spoke about his tattoos.” Naval men were known to have plenty of them, going back more than a hundred years. “He gave me mine.”
She touched the place under her left breast. “I had him put it somewhere Gregory wouldn’t see it.” Gregory had grown tired of bedding her by then.
“What does the tattoo say?” he asked.
“This too shall pass. It’s written in Farsi.” She looked at him. “The pain of getting it made me feel good. I’d have covered my body in them if I could, but he left and I never saw him again. I never trusted anyone else to do it. I suppose that’s fortunate. This was during my wilder times.” She smiled.
He shook his head. “It’s extraordinary what you’ve lived through. I didn’t even know half of your tale, yet I’m glad that I sold myself to Gregory for your freedom. I’d have done it a hundred times ov
er.”
“Thank you.” She sat up and away from him. “Thank you for what you did for me.” She was usually telling him how much she wished he hadn’t done it. “You set me free, Oliver.”
He cupped her face. “Sometimes, I feel as though I did the opposite. I feel that you are forever linked to me and I can’t let you go. I want you to move on just as much as I want to keep you. That’s why I kept the contract all these years. A part of me says you are mine, yet that part of me is just as strong as the voice that tells me to push you away. To be cautious. To never take a chance.”
“Why won’t you take a chance?”
He frowned. “Maybe it does have something to do with my father. You find it hard to believe the first few years of your life were normal, and I find it hard to think people will stay the same. He changed. You could change.” He leaned closer to her. “I could change. I could marry you, care for you, be ready to die for you, and then change. Doesn’t that frighten you?”
“A little,” she said. “Yet our feelings for one another have been what they are for five years. For five years, you’ve cared for me. I only recently discovered that you can see my front door from your terrace.”
His expression became adorably sheepish. “You were mine to protect.”
“I am still yours.” Two more years, according to a stupid contract, and forever according to her heart. “You currently do all those things you listed, yet you do it at a distance. Why not take the chance and be with me?” She was seconds from begging for it now.
He closed his eyes. “I should go. I should let you rest.”
And like that, their moment of ease was shattered.
He stood up and went to the entrance.
Belle went to the pallet.
“Can I return tomorrow?” he asked.
She looked at him and nodded. then laid down and reached out to turn off the lantern. She
jumped when her hand was covered.
Oliver was crouched by her. “We’re only a few yards from where I found you.”
She sat up. Her heart pounded. “What?”
“It’s just below us, the place I found you five years ago. I come here often. That’s why this cave was ready for occupation.” He looked saddened by his words. “I look down off that cliff and see you just as I did that day. You are there over and over again, and I think…”
She knew. “What if you’d taken me into town instead of to your house?”
He laughed bitterly. “Town is a mile from here. A fifteen-minute walk.”
Her mouth fell open. “What?” It had taken her all day to get here from his house. “You ran home with me in your arms. It took hours.”
“I ran like my life depended on it.” He touched her cheek. “Because it did. Five years ago, I picked you up, I looked at you, and I knew you would change my life. You would give it meaning when I’d had none.”
He grabbed her face in both his hands. “Nick was gone. I had no one to care for. My land and business holdings are run by competent men. I was wasting away until you came. You were an angel. Even knowing the circumstance of why you came, that hasn’t changed. You’re an angel.”
Tears fell from her eyes.
He kissed her cheek. “I couldn’t let you go.” He took a few moments to wipe her tears with his lips before he pulled his face away. His expression became fierce. “Look at you. I couldn’t let the town doctor have you, heal you, make you feel better. That was my job. You were mine. Before Gregory ever presented me with a contract, you were mine. Even after you told me it had all been a plot for my ruin, I was upset, but that didn’t stop you from being completely and utterly mine.”
His hold on her tightened, and his eyes became impossibly hard. “We need to figure this out, Belle,” he warned. “Because I’m at a dangerous point. I don’t like other men looking at you. I don’t like Landcastle touching you.”
“Landcastle is just a friend,” she said with a touch of fear. “And he knows how I feel about you.”
He stiffened. “What?”
“I told him when he came to my room at the inn.” She smiled. “It’s strange that I told no one for years and then the second person I admit it to is a stranger.”
“Who else knows?”
“Vita.”
He bent and touched his head to hers. “I want to hear the words. I hunger to hear your heart’s confession from your lips but not now. Not until I’ve earned them.”
She grabbed his neck with both hands, and they stayed that way for a long time.
“Do you feel better?” he asked when he pulled away. “I noticed you were upset when I left. I didn’t want you upset.”
She smiled and it took every ounce of her strength to hold back the words I love you. He’d come back to make her feel better. “I feel so much better. Thank you for telling me all of this.”
He grinned. “You’re welcome. Don’t tell the boys we’re close to town. They might abandon their duties and escape to civilization.”
She laughed. She could see maybe one or two trying it. “Will you take me to the place you found me tomorrow?” She just wanted to see it.
He nodded and stood again. “Goodnight, Belle.”
She was still smiling when she fell asleep.
∫ ∫ ∫
4 9
* * *
“Had they left you anywhere else, I might not have found you.” Oliver had just so happened to be at the caves. He’d looked out, and there she was. Her face had been like none he’d ever seen before. Her hair had been like a dark river around her with hints of honey and auburn. The setting sun had made her skin seemed magical.
He’d thought her a gift from God.
He still thought so.
He looked over at Belle. She walked around the spot where she’d been left, staring at it as she undid her bonnet. Then the pins came out and her hair was unbound. She pocketed her items and then moved her hands through her locks.
Her eyes were closed, and she seemed to be in a state of complete pleasure. It was sensual.
“I hate pins,” she whispered.
Oliver hated to see her hair bound as well, but if this was the show he’d receive when she took it out, he’d pin her locks up himself if he had to.
The arousing display ended far too quickly for him.
She sighed and looked at him.
Then she fell.
Oliver reached out but stopped when he noticed her peaceful expression. Her body hit the ground. She rested with her head in the fallen autumn leaves. Her arms spread out on her sides and her legs bent and twisted to the side. She’d fallen on purpose.
“Are you hurt?” he asked.
“No.” Her hair was arranged much as he’d found her. “The trees look familiar, but honestly, the whole forest looks the same to me.”
He crouched down next to her and then stretched out at her side. They both looked up into the trees.
Her voice was so soft that it took a moment for Oliver to realize what she said. “It took me laying in a field of twigs and dirt for you to finally lay next to me.”
He turned to her and she laughed.
There was a teasing note in her eyes. Then she looked up at the trees again. “Had Gregory been any other man, a weaker man, I’d have asked to stay here. I’d have begged you to let me stay in these woods forever. They’re so endless. You can easily get lost. I wanted to get lost. I thought about it as I laid here.”
“When I found you, you were asleep. How long were you out here?”
She looked at him again. “Not long. You found me almost instantly. I was pretending to be asleep. I was so scared when you found me. I knew little about you, but they’d described your excessive height, red hair, and blue eyes well enough that when you picked me up, I knew you were Venmont.”
“Have you any idea how dangerous this mission was?” He turned on his side to look at her. “Had I been a lesser man, I could have hurt you.”
She turned as well. “Yes.”
“Still, you removed your clothes before me.”
“You said I could trust you. You said you wouldn’t hurt me.”
“And you believed me?” How could she be this naive after all this time and everything that happened to her? This was yet another reason he didn’t like her on her own. She needed protection. He wanted to be that wall that guarded her against the arrows of the enemy, but he didn’t know if he could be. That was why they were doing this, talking about things they hadn’t before.
He’d not been open to it in the past, and he realized it wasn’t fear that she’d lie to him again that kept him away. It was fear the truth would lead to him forgiving her, which would then lead to him thinking it safe to love her.
But was it safe for her? Did the same darkness as his father lurk within him? Was it waiting for him to be happy, just as his father had been happy before it took over his reasoning?
“I wanted to believe in you.” She placed a hand on his chest. The leaves ruffled as she moved closer. “I wanted to believe in you more than anything else. I was in pain and you were so kind. So strong. I felt…” Her words trailed off, and she closed her eyes before she rolled away and sat up.
Oliver’s ears throbbed, ringing with her unsaid confession. She picked the leaves from her head, and he helped just so he had an excuse to run his hands through her hair.
“Your grandmother said you didn’t allow other women up your mountain.”
“She’s right. Only the married women who come with their husbands during hunting season were allowed in my home until you and then Vita. My two exceptions. You both needed my protection, with you being the first.”
“Why?” she asked.
He looked around the woods and said, “This place is secret to me. Even after everything my father put me through, I rarely wanted to share it with others. I only allow the hunts because they help pay for its upkeep, and I only allow those who can respect my rules up here.”
“But why no women here?”
Did he have to spell it out for her? “What would have been the point? If I needed a woman for an evening, I could go to town.”
The Marquess Who Kissed Me: (The Valiant Love Regency Romance) (A Historical Romance Book) Page 25