by Emma Vikes
Fuck.
Chapter 5
Megan
His lips were pressed firmly against mine, soft to the touch, slightly chapped but when he began to move his mouth against mine, all I could feel was the tenderness. He slowly pushed me on the chair, his lips moving from my mouth and pressing lightly on my collar bone, a finger traced the other side, and then he began to move slowly, almost cautiously, lower and lower and I desperately wanted to beg him to kiss me more, touch me more, fill me with the entirety of his being.
He kissed every inch of my body and then he moved back up and in the darkness of the room, his grey eyes seemed to shine brighter, looking like bright silver, blinding and beautiful. But it was what I could read in his eyes that sent me spiraling down even more, inching at the edge of the dangerous cliff.
“Milo...”
The shrill ring of my phone snapped me awake and I shot upright on my bed, grasping my pillows and staring wide-eyed at the blank beige wall of my room. My hand searched for my phone hidden under the rest of my pillows and I immediately dismissed the incessant and annoying shrill ring of it. I closed my eyes for a moment, my head in my hands as I tried to calm my erratically beating heart.
The wind blew a breeze into the room and I looked at the window. I didn’t close it last night. On our first night here in Chicago, Milo pointed this room to me- it was the only bedroom downstairs- and told me it was mine. I was surprised to find an air-conditioner in it and a ceiling fan. But I used neither, opting for a good old fashion cool night breeze.
I got out of my bed and opened the window further, taking a deep breath to calm myself even more. “It was just a dream, Megan. You’re probably thinking too much about the kiss that’s why you dreamt about it...again. Oh gosh, maybe you need to stop reading adult novels before going to sleep.”
This was probably the fifth time that I woke up from a dream of Milo kissing me but the first time that I’d actually called out his name. The morning after that ‘incident’ I wanted to take it upon myself to explain but it seemed as if Milo suffered overnight amnesia because he acted as if we never had drinks at the back patio of the motel. During the weekend, I tried to ignore it and played the same game he played but the recurring dreams didn’t really help me move on from it.
I moved to look at myself in the mirror and took another deep breath and slowly exhaled it. Staring at myself with intensity, I began to talk myself out of the anxieties that the dream was slowly creating inside of me. “It was a dream, Megan. You kissed him once. Well, he kissed you but it didn’t mean anything. You’re Violet’s nanny and you’re doing this so you can save enough to put up your own salon. It’s another day toward your goal, Meg. Let’s do this.”
When I was younger, I often caught my Dad talking to himself in the bathroom mirror and motivating himself. Out of curiosity, I asked him why he would do it. He told me that the best way to start your day was to speak words of affirmation to yourself. Even when everything else that followed those words of affirmation could ruin your day, you’re one step ahead of the bad mojo already and it couldn’t break you anymore because you know you’re going to be fine. And if the day turned sourer further, one bad day didn’t equal to a bad life. To be honest, I always deemed it as positive thinking but my Dad thought it wasn’t just that. Either way, it helped me through with life.
I changed out of my pajamas and into denim shorts, my brother’s gray shirt, tied my hair and then went out of the room and to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. It was only 6 AM. Violet woke up at around 7:30 to 8 and Milo would leave at around 7:45 so he and Violet rarely had a chance to spend mornings together.
Violet and I agreed that we would make a breakfast plan for every week and she would go to the grocery store with me. I was sure she got that idea from Mrs. Barrymore but she surprised me by telling me that was how her Mom used to do things and that Mrs. Barrymore had her own healthy and hearty breakfast meal planned every day and Violet loved the older woman too much to tell to change her routinely made breakfast meal.
Today was Wednesday, and Violet had said she wanted to have blueberry cream cheese French toast rolls, so that’s was exactly what I began to make so it’ll be ready when she wakes up. Halfway through making breakfast, Milo stumbled downstairs in haste. I glanced at the clock that I had hung on the kitchen wall Sunday night. It was only 7:30 and Milo was in a rush, cussing as he began to rummage around the living boxes for the other box that contained his clothes. We really haven’t had that much time to unpack, especially him.
I lowered the heat of the pan and opened the door under the stairs and pulled out the box that was his. “Are you looking for this?”
Milo stopped pacing around the living room and then made his way over to me. I caught my breath because suddenly he was moving in slow-motion. He had been pacing around too fast that I hadn’t realize that he hadn’t buttoned his shirt yet and wasn’t wearing anything underneath. I caught sight of the toned stomach that I had first seen when I came to their house to apply for the job. He didn’t shave and although I prefer men with a clean-shaven face, I didn’t mind staring at Milo’s bearded face. I caught a whiff of his scent; he smelled like pinecones and that aqua scented cologne men tended to use.
I wasn’t sure if it was because we’d kissed or because he was shirtless when we met at his house but the more I got to see Milo, the more I noticed how ridiculously attractive he was. “Who the fuck told you to hide this?”
And just like that, whatever attraction and crush I was having on him shattered immediately. The smell of burnt bread caught my attention and I rushed back to the kitchen, quickly turning off the stove and checking the bread and was relieved that it wasn’t too burned. I went back to Milo who was basically throwing the contents of the box all over the living room.
Pursing my lips in annoyance, I said, “You said that you were going to bring it to your room but you left it there for five days. It was too heavy for me to carry upstairs and it was just lying around there that I had to set it aside first.”
Milo scoffed. “Well, you could’ve just said something!”
It seemed like Milo woke up on the wrong side of the bed today although I always had a feeling that he just slept on the wrong side all the time. “I did, Milo.”
“Just forget it. I’m already late.” Milo was rushing to put on his black socks and I stared at the disarray that he caused in the living room. I made a face. “I pay you to clean it, Megan. Don’t react as if I don’t pay you to.”
His comment left me in shock as he rushed out of the house. I wanted to scream profanities at him but instead, I took a deep breath and just let the negativity go. It wasn’t going to benefit me in any way. I was about to finish breakfast when I heard Milo cussing outside. I peeked at the window and I caught him staring at the flat tire of his black Mustang. I whistled slowly and then got out, stood at the door and Milo turned to look at me, his grey eyes begging for help.
Ah, if you let the negativity go away, it just bounces back to where it came from.
But I wasn’t the kind of person who would just ignore him. I made my way to the garage and rummaged at the tools that were in the truck. “You don’t know how to change a tire?”
Milo turned away but a faint blush crept on his face. “No. I was old when I had a first car and at that time, I could always afford calling a tow truck to do the job for me.”
I whistled lowly and then forced him to help me take out the deflated tire, get the better one and I began to screw everything back quickly. “My Dad was a mechanic. Always forced me to lend a hand but I never minded. There, it’s all good now.”
He stared at the tire and then nodded his head, flashing me a small grin. “Thanks, Megan.”
Thanks, Megan.
That was all I got before he hopped in and zoomed to work. I shook my head. Milo was a lukewarm person, not too hot and not too cold, always in between and I could never figure out how I was supposed to react to it. Indifferent was th
e best word to describe him. Heading back inside, I finished the breakfast for Violet and she woke up 15 minutes later, excited for her breakfast.
“What’s the plan for today?” Violet asked me as she munched on the oranges and apples I’d cut for her after she finished her French toast. “Do I still have practice at two?”
Violet enrolled in a summer soccer program for little girls on Monday and she started practice yesterday and she’s been loving it. She told me that she had a practice game on Friday at 4 PM and she couldn’t shut up about it. The girl loved the game too much, even more than I did when I was playing. “Yup, you sure do. And then we’re going to grab dinner something for dinner. You want take-out or a freshly cooked meal?”
Violet grinned. “Chuck E. Cheese?”
I chuckled and nodded and then motioned for her to head back up to shower and get ready for the day. “Sure thing.”
By the time Violet got ready - and for some reason the kid took a tad bit too long getting ready like every girl did- I cleaned the kitchen and living room and then got ready myself. I had finished making lunch, when Violet joined me to helped me make a simple lunch for the two of us. We quickly ate it, got ready for her practice and I braided her hair before we headed to the field.
Violet tugged on my hand just as I finished locking the door. “Megan, I forgot to tell you that parents are supposed to be on the practice game. Coach said that there’s a parent meeting after the game. Can you...pretend that you’re my mom?”
She was looking at me with big, hopeful blue eyes and my heart went out for her. I knelt in front of her and then touched her cheek. “I can talk to your Dad and tell him...”
Almost immediately, Vi shook her head. “He’s going to be busy, Megan. He’s always too busy. He only came to my last game because he couldn’t wait to tell us that he got promote and we were moving here. He doesn’t have the time.”
Violet said it in an indifferent tone and she never looked like her father than she did in that moment. She held the same casual indifference as Milo did, the same blankness in their eyes when they spoke. “I’m sure that I can convince him...”
She pushed my hand off and sighed. “You can just say no, Megan.”
In all the time that I’d spent together with Violet, she had never brushed me off like that but I’d always noticed that when the conversation had something to do with her Dad, she always shied away from the topic and would change it into something else or simply drop it. The distance between the two of them was undeniable and as the days continued to progress and Milo continued to keep himself busy, the more Violet grew away from him.
It was as if she lost both set of her parents.
Violet had her practice and it ended at around four so the two of us picked something from Chuck E. Cheese for dinner. For these kinds of things, Milo gave me a credit card. As long as it concerned Violet, I could use the card for anything she wanted. We both boarded the truck and had dinner after Violet showered and changed.
A part of me wanted to talk to Violet regarding her relationship with her Dad because it reminded me of my youngest brother who became distant with Dad for a little while, after Mom died. But it was clear that the pain and anger that Violet felt was too big at the moment to dispel.
When I tucked Violet in bed around her bedtime, she reached for my hand. “What if they won’t let me play if Dad doesn’t come?”
I could see the fear in her eyes. For as long as I’d known Violet, I’d come to realize that her life seemed to revolve around soccer after her mother died. Mrs. Barrymore said that the girl treated the sport as if everything in her life depended on it and I couldn’t help but wonder why. “Then we’ll have our own practice game at home.”
“Megan...”
Pushing her hair out of her eyes, I looked at her with a small smile. “My Dad used to tell me that if you wanted something to happen, you had to act like it’ll happen. Positivity attracts positive situations. So why don’t you act that way and I’ll see what I can do to help?”
When Violet fell asleep, I decided to wait until Milo came home. I sent him a text that Vi and I had Chuck E. Cheese at dinner and he didn’t reply- he never actually replied- so I assumed he already had dinner like he usually did. I never really waited for Milo to come back from work because well, that wasn’t part of the job description. But I wanted to try and talk him into coming to Violet’s practice game because I was sure it would mean a lot.
To be honest, I’d never seen such distance between a daughter and father. But Milo and Violet proved me otherwise. It was as if the two of them existed in the same space and time but were in different locations. They existed but they couldn’t co-exist and neither of them bothered to try. Milo drowned himself in work and basically neglected his daughter while Violet seemed to have forgotten that she still had one parent left in the world. I knew it wasn’t the kind of thing that I should put my nose in but I didn’t want it to continue and go deeper than it already had. Someone had to do something and if both of them didn’t want to, maybe I can.
Milo’s car pulled up at around 10 PM and I was insanely sleepy at that time but I stood up when he opened the door. He looked surprised to see me awake. I cleared my throat. “Hey.”
He cocked his head to the side and removed his jacket and set it on the couch, sitting down and proceeding to remove his black socks. “Were you waiting for me?”
Last Sunday, Milo came home late too and the same went on Monday. For a moment, I thought that maybe he wanted to frequent clubs or date around but I was awake when he came home yesterday night and there wasn’t a lady scent from him. Even now, there wasn’t so the only probably reason for him coming home this late was really work, “Yes. I was. I wanted to run something with you.”
“It couldn’t wait till morning?”
I gave him a flat look. “I’ve lived with you for a few days to come to a realization that you’re nowhere near conversational in the mornings.”
He raised his eyebrows but didn’t comment on my statement and I was certain that he remembered how rude he was this morning but there wasn’t any apology coming from him still, not even a sincere thank you after I helped him with his flat tire. “Why? What happened with Violet?”
“She has a practice game on Friday at 4. It’s not a big deal but she told me earlier her coach requested parents to come because he wanted to discuss something.”
Milo looked at me and his eyebrows were furrowed as he made a confused face. “Can’t he just discuss it with you? You’re her nanny so technically you’re her guardian too.”
He didn’t even look as if he was interested with where I was getting. His tone was dismissive and I could understand why Violet chose to forget she had another parent. Milo was too dismissive about anything that involved her. Even Mrs. Barrymore had mentioned this during one of our hair sessions, how Milo seemed to just brush Violet off after his wife died.
“But he wants to talk to the legal guardian, Milo. A.k.a, he wants to discuss with a parent and I’m not Vi’s parent. You are. It’s at four in the afternoon, can’t you just cancel meetings?”
He pursed his lips and then dropped his socks on the couch. “I can’t just drop work for a game, Megan.”
“Not even for your daughter? Are you fucking serious, Milo?” I could hear the incredulity in my voice and I knew I was stepping in dangerous territories when Milo’s eyes flashed.
Through gritted teeth, he responded, “I work for her sake, Megan. Because I want to make sure that she has a good future.”
I’d heard of this reason one too many times. I’d had friends with the parents that had the same perspective as Milo and their anger had blossomed into resentment. I didn’t want Violet to end up the same way. “No amount of excuses will be enough for a father to neglect his child.”
It was clear that my words reverberated through him because he stood up, his body tensed and I did the same, looking at him with even eyes. “I’m doing my best, Megan. If I don’t work, wh
at’s going to happen to her?”
The anger was clear in Milo’s eyes but at the same time, I could see the guilt that was fuelling it. Sometimes, guilt triggered anger knowing that the decision made bore wrong results. “She gets to have a Dad. In my book, that’s better than having everything the world can offer.”
“My Dad died when I was young too, Megan. Don’t give me that kind of shit.”
The disbelief that I felt was palpable as I stared at Milo, seeing him in a different light. At first, I just thought that this man was still reeling from the shock of the sudden death of his wife but right now, I realized that wasn’t it. Milo completely shut everything and everyone out even his own daughter. But he needed to realize that he was a parent and parents, as painful as it was, still needed to be a parent despite the grief that they’re in.
“You lost your wife, Milo. But in this house, you’re not the only one who did. Violet lost her mother too and with the way you’re acting, it’s as if she lost her father too.” My words had the impact that I intended because Milo faltered a little, the truth stinging. The spark of anger in his eyes dulled and he suddenly looked so defeated. “Just because you can’t be a husband anymore doesn’t mean that you get to stop being a father too. It doesn’t work that way.”
Chapter 6
Milo
I stared the digital clock on the desk in my office. It was 12 PM on a Friday and I was losing my mind unsure of what I was meant to do. Since I’d arrived in Chicago, I’d gone overboard on work and had finished most of it yesterday. The only thing I had going on now were things that needed my approval and it was work that could wait until Monday. A part of me wanted to just finish it all up and wait for more work to pile up on my desk next week. And then there was a part of me that continued to chew on Megan’s words on me Wednesday night.
Just because you can’t be a husband anymore doesn’t mean that you get to stop being a father too. It doesn’t work that way.