“This is not your fault.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but he cut her off, this time speaking clear and strong. “This is not your fault. Do you understand me?”
She stared at him a while before slowly nodding her head. He pulled her close and she collapsed onto him, sobbing. He would hold her for as long as she needed. He would never let go if she allowed it.
One week earlier
J.R. found Caleb sitting in the dark shadows near the side of the house. He was slumped over, nursing a beer, his eyes vacant as he stared off into space. J.R. pulled up a seat beside him, an old rickety lawn chair that hadn’t been dusted off in years. His mom would probably yell at him for dirtying up his dress pants, but for the way this night was going, he no longer cared about anything.
He took a drink from his cup. “Want to tell me what happened tonight?”
“Nope,” Caleb answered, staring straight ahead. He took another drink and then threw the empty bottle against a wooden post. Neither of them flinched as the glass shattered into pieces.
Caleb sat back and fumbled in the pocket of his tan slacks. “Where’s Grace?”
“She left with Avery.” J.R. took another drink. He didn’t want to think about Grace tonight. He wanted her pushed to the farthest corner of his mind. Maybe Caleb had been right all along in that he should have never tied himself down to her. All these years, he could have been playing around like Caleb did. Using his name as a way to get laid.
“Sucks, man, sorry,” Caleb said, pulling a small baggy out and placing it on his leg.
J.R. looked over, intrigued. “What is that?”
“Something to make us feel better.” Caleb took out two small green tablets from the bag and handed one to J.R. “I had these for Avery and me tonight, but that shit didn’t work out. Anyway, I think you could use it more.” He popped the pill in his mouth and swallowed hard.
J.R. looked at the small tablet with the letter X embedded at the top. He had never taken anything stronger than weed before and had no idea Caleb had drugs like this.
Caleb caught him eyeing the pill suspiciously. “Trust me, dude, you need it.”
Maybe on another occasion, he would decline, but this night, on the shittiest of nights, J.R. needed something to take the edge off. He popped the pill in his mouth and shot it back with a swig of beer.
“Come on, I don’t want to sit here anymore,” Caleb said, standing. They walked back inside and grabbed another beer. The music pounded from the other room as teens kept the dance party alive and thriving from Homecoming. As the drug began to dissolve into J.R.’s bloodstream, he felt himself loosening up and drawn to the music. He melted into the crowd, feeling more alive than he ever had. As he danced, he felt he was one with the music, like it was a living, breathing thing inside of him. He couldn’t get enough. He didn’t care that Grace had left. He loved everyone in this room more than he had ever loved her.
A brush of a leg slid up beside him, and he grabbed hold of the girl it belonged to, not caring who it was. He grinded against her, feeling the overwhelming sensation of arousal that made him want to fuck her right in the middle of the crowd. She giggled when he pressed his cock against her, and he thought it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. He grabbed her face and pressed his lips to hers, only to be pulled away a second later by two hands on his shoulders. He turned to see Caleb standing next to him. Had he been there the whole time?
He swung an arm around his friend. “Caleb! I love you, man. Have I ever told you that? It’s true, I swear.”
Caleb grinned. “Come on, let’s get Ethan and get out of here.”
“But I like being here,” J.R. protested. He wanted to dance and kiss that girl who had just been there with him. He looked around him. Where’d she go?
“Where’s Ethan?” Caleb asked. He seemed agitated as he scratched at the back of his shaved head.
J.R. thought a minute. “I think he went with that sophomore chick to the cabin. I told him he could have it since I obviously wasn’t getting laid in it.” He laughed uncontrollably at his own demise.
“Come on,” Caleb commanded, leading J.R. out by the arm. When they got outside, he said, “It’s too crazy in there. I…I need out of here.”
“Whoa, wait up.” J.R. stumbled behind him, trying to keep in pace with Caleb’s frantic steps.
Caleb spun, searching around him. “Where the hell is the cabin?”
“Dude, you’ve gotsta chill,” J.R. said with a sloppy grin. “Come on, it’s up here.” He took the lead, heading them to the dark trail. J.R. wanted to skip through the trees like he had when he was a child. He felt a rush as though someone had poured liquid joy into his bloodstream. Why wasn’t Caleb buzzing like he was? They had taken the same drug. When he looked at Caleb, it was like his friend had taken a negative spiral down. He was jumpy at every sound in the trees, his eyes darted around him in an anxious flurry, and when they focused on an object, they turned hard and black. It made J.R. want to wrap his friend up in a big bear hug and squeeze the ugly out. The dim light of the cabin came into view, and Caleb picked up the steps. He called out for Ethan, but there was no response. He banged on the door once before pushing his way through. J.R. was hit with the familiar lavender scent and felt a rush of arousal come back to him. He was supposed to be here, alone with Grace. But instead of Grace on the bed, naked and waiting for him was another girl, her dress pulled up high to expose the softness of her inner thigh, her bare breast, plump and inviting, waiting to be touched. He was spinning in lust. The sensation so strong he was afraid he’d come in his pants before he was even able to touch her.
“Close the door,” Caleb demanded.
J.R. did as he was told and watched Caleb walk over to the girl, alone as though she had been waiting for him. He leaned down just as Lila opened her eyes. She looked as though she was about to speak when Caleb softly covered her mouth with his large hand. He hushed at her as she started to squirm.
“You’ve been playing me for a while, haven’t you?” Caleb told her.
Caleb climbed onto the bed, straddling her small frame between his legs. J.R. couldn’t see the fear in her or the tears that slipped from her eyes as Caleb kept one hand on her mouth and the other slipped her panties and nylons down. He could barely make out the soft whispers Caleb said to her about having wanted this since the moment he’d first seen her, and that he knew she’d been wanting it too. J.R. closed his eyes and listened to the moans that came from the bed and the way the mattress pounded against the wall. He didn’t feel shame in standing there, a witness to this intimacy. He didn’t feel alarmed that Ethan wasn’t there and that Caleb had taken it upon himself to seduce the girl Ethan liked. He didn’t feel guilty that he was imagining himself with her instead of Grace. So when he heard his name being called, he smiled as he opened his eyes and saw Caleb rolling off of her and inviting him over.
“Your turn,” Caleb said with a smug grin.
J.R. felt the fire in his veins that flooded his groin and an overwhelming sense of love to his friend for sharing this gift with him.
Caleb kept his palm over her mouth as he stood at the edge of the bed. He leaned forward, meeting her eye. “You going to be a good girl if I take my hand away?”
Her whole body shook as she nodded her head at him. Slowly, he pushed away from the bed, watching her intently for any sign that she would scream. She kept her promise and tightened her trembling lips.
She was shivering, so J.R. took off his jacket and placed it over her chest to keep her warm. He could see her tears now and the pleading in her eyes when he crawled onto the bed. She shook her head, whispering, “No,” but J.R. didn’t understand.
“It’s okay,” he cooed in her ear. He kissed the side of her wet cheek all the way to her quivering lips. She didn’t respond to his touch. Instead, she began to cry harder. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He was J.R. Hudson. Any girl would want to be with him.
He looked down at her,
confused. “It’s okay, baby,” he said softly as he began to unzip his pants. When he was free, he pressed himself against her, feeling the dampness between her legs. He moaned at the sensation, dying to dive in.
A slam on the door shook him as his head jerked back toward Caleb standing guard.
“Lila?” Ethan called out. “It’s me, open the door.”
A high-pitched scream broke from her mouth, startling J.R. enough to cover his ears.
“Lila!” Ethan yelled back, slamming his fists on the door. “Open the door!”
“Go away, Ethan,” Caleb snarled, blocking the entrance with his body. The slams on the other side became frantic. And with every kick and thrust on the doorframe, Caleb’s body jerked forward.
“Let me in!” Ethan screamed. “You sick fuck! Open the goddamn door.”
Lila screamed for Ethan again.
“Shut her up!” Caleb growled at J.R.
J.R. sat back, dumbfounded. What was happening? She was wiggling beneath him to the point it knocked him over. He leaned down and tried to hold her. “Shh, it’s okay, baby.”
J.R. had the sense then that this was not what was supposed to be happening. Weren’t they just having a good time? Why was she so upset? Why was Ethan yelling?
“Come on, man, it’s all good,” J.R. said to Caleb. “Open the door, it’s just Ethan.”
“Shut the fuck up, J.R.,” Caleb snapped. “It’s the drug talking, not you.”
A thump brought their attention back to the bed. Lila had fallen onto the floor and was crawling toward the door. “Ethan!” she sobbed. “Help!”
Another kick and the door cracked on the hinges. Caleb fell forward enough for Ethan to push through. He took one wild look at Lila, then to J.R. with his pants down on the bed, and then finally to Caleb who stood back fuming and annoyed. Ethan turned on his friend and swung back and clocked him in the jaw with his fist.
“What the fuck!” Caleb cried out. J.R. was off the bed and between them before Caleb could retaliate. Ethan turned on him and shoved him hard toward the door. He fumbled on his feet and hit the ground. Ethan was on top of him, a fist in the air, the fury on his face unlike anything J.R. had ever seen. J.R. cradled his head to stop the blow, but it never came. When he looked up, Ethan was glaring down on him. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Ethan yelled.
Caleb rubbed at his jaw. “Lighten up, Deadman. Nothing happened.”
Ethan straightened up. He took one look at Caleb, and the greatest wave of disgust washed over him. He had always known there was something wrong with Caleb, that he was fucked in the head and wired differently than other human beings. He’d used to give him the benefit of the doubt, knowing about his upbringing and how he’d never had it as good as Ethan and J.R. did. But as he saw the way that Lila shivered in the corner, her body pressed as far into the wall as she could go, he knew it hadn’t been nothing. That whatever had happened here tonight was his fault for leaving her alone when there were people like Caleb in the world.
“Get the fuck out,” Ethan growled back at him.
J.R. stumbled to his feet. “Come on, Caleb.”
Caleb stared hard at Ethan. It was a power play, and this time Ethan wouldn’t back down. Slowly, Caleb stepped forward, keeping his eyes on Ethan as he pushed past him to the door. When he and J.R. were gone, Ethan ran to Lila and dropped to his knees in front of her. “Oh, Lila. I’m so sorry,” he choked out.
“Don’t touch me.” She gasped, lifting a hand to defend herself from his embrace.
He threw his hands up in surrender. She was trembling, cradling her violated body into a tight ball.
“You left me.” The words broke out of her shaky voice as her teeth chattered uncontrollably.
He sat back on his knees, afraid to touch her but wanting desperately to hold her. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated over and over. “I wanted to get you help. But I couldn’t find Olivia and Hannah, so I came back. I never should have left you.”
She gripped J.R.’s coat around her torn dress. She felt filthy and disgusting and was grateful her friends couldn’t be found. She didn’t want anyone to see her this way. She could still feel Caleb dripping between her legs. When she closed her lids, she could still see the blackness of his vacant eyes. He was soulless, she realized, and Ethan was his friend.
Ethan leaned down gently. “Let me get you out of here,” he said as his fingers caressed the side of her leg. “I can take you home.” He wanted to pick her up and carry her far away from here.
She jerked when his hand made contact when her skin. “Don’t touch me!”
He fell back on his seat. “Okay,” he said with two hands up. “I’m sorry, Lila. I’m so sorry. I’m just trying to fix this.”
She glared at him. “You can’t fix what your friends did to me, Ethan.”
The word friends sent bile down his throat. “Please, tell me what to do,” he pleaded. He felt like crying for the first time in so long he couldn’t remember. She looked broken. She was broken. And it was his fault.
“Go away.” She stifled back a sob.
“No,” he said with a violent shake of the head. “I’m not leaving you.”
“Go away,” she said again more fiercely. And when he didn’t move, she sat up and screamed. “Go away, go away, go away!”
He slid back near the door. “Please, Lila,” he begged. “Let me get help or take you home. I can’t leave you like this.”
She jumped to life, finding the first object she could find, a hardcover book on the nightstand. With all the strength she had left, she hurled it at him, hitting him in the head. “Go!”
He didn’t say a word as he slithered out the door, defeated and despaired. He didn’t want to be the one to add to her misery, so with a heavy heart, he did as she asked.
When she was alone, Lila fell apart, allowing every emotion to seep through her wounded soul. The anger, humiliation, and guilt ripped through her. How had she let this happen? Why had she gotten so drunk and let Ethan take her to the cabin? Why couldn’t she have just stayed with her friends? She was a stupid girl who thought she could handle the older guys. Caleb was right, she had been playing with him, hadn’t she? Had she been asking for this all along? She pounded her fist against her head as she cried. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
When she could manage to stand, she pushed her body against the wall and slid toward the door. She gripped the jacket tight around her chest and stumbled out, relieved to see that no one was around. She tripped and fell as her heel met the dirt path. She pulled herself up and kicked off her shoes, walking deeper into the forest and away from the party. She knew the road wasn’t far from here, and if she could just get through the dark, she could find her path home. She pushed past overgrown brush, scratching her arms against fallen branches and sharp thorns. Her feet bled as she stepped on sharp rocks, but she couldn’t feel the pain. Everything in her body hurt.
She was afraid she was going the wrong direction and went to turn around when she saw the faint glow of headlights pass by. She raced toward the sound of the engine and finally broke through the trees to see familiar concrete. She fell to the ground, exhaustion pouring out of her. She wanted to sleep right there. She closed her eyes and rested her cheek against the soft grass of the hillside beside the road. She curled into a ball and told herself, just one moment. Just one minute and then she would find her way home. But a minute came and went and she slept until she was jerked awake by the sound of her name and hands on her skin. She thrashed her body away from the prying fingers as memories flooded her mind.
“No!” she screamed.
Why hadn’t she screamed, when Caleb had told her not to? Why hadn’t she bitten his fingers when they were covering her mouth? Was she so afraid of him that she’d followed every instruction willingly, afraid of the consequence?
“Lila!” the familiar voice called out to her. She opened her eyes to see the recognizable police uniform crouching down beside her. And then the smell hit her. Old Spice col
ogne and spring breeze fabric softener. The scents of comfort, of home.
“Dad,” she managed.
“Oh, my god, Lila. What happened to you?” She had never heard his voice like that before. Like he was about to crack. “We have to get you to a hospital.”
“No!” she cried, lifting two hands to push him back. “I just want to go home, Dad, please.” He leaned forward and she allowed him to scoop her up and carry her to the car.
“Lila, you’re hurt, bad.” He drew in a deep breath as he examined her body. “You’ve got blood running down your legs and on your arms.”
She leaned back against the seat, feeling the warmth from the heater in the car. “I’m okay.” She sighed, finally feeling safe. “I just want to go home.”
She looked at him as he knelt down beside her, meeting her eye. “Who did this to you, Lila? Where were you? Where are Hannah and Olivia?”
“I don’t know.”
“Whose jacket is that?”
She remembered the coat she’d wrapped around her body. She was repulsed by it and wished she didn’t need it to cover her torn dress. She rested her head back. “I don’t know. I don’t remember.”
“Are you drunk?” he accused.
She nodded. Admitting that now seemed easier than any other question he could ask her.
“Jesus, Lila. Is that why you’re out here in the middle of the night? How the hell—”
“Dad, please.” She started to cry.
He sighed. She could feel the anger on him. “I’m just glad I found you and not someone else. Jesus, Lila, do you know what could have happened to you?”
She nodded.
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
She nodded again.
He pushed off his knees and stood up. He walked to the driver’s side and slid in beside her. “I am so disappointed in you, Lila. I thought I raised you better than to behave this way. Haven’t I taught you the dangers of drinking?” He pulled the car into drive. “Consider yourself grounded.”
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