by Keeland, Vi
I nodded. “I know. I think I just needed to feel like I could survive without you. Now that I know I can, I don’t feel like it’s an issue anymore.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear you feel like you can survive without me. Although I never had any doubts.”
“Thanks.”
“So tell me what’s going on in your life. How are things with your father?”
“About the same. He’s getting married in a few weeks…again. He showed up at my apartment last night because I hadn’t sent back the response card, and I’d been avoiding his calls because I didn’t want to debate my not wanting to go to the wedding.”
Lillian smiled. “Seems like I didn’t miss much on that front.”
“Definitely not. Married. Divorced. Rinse. Repeat.”
“And you? Are you still taking Ambien to help you sleep at night?”
“My regular doctor has been bugging me to try to wean off, like you always did. But, yeah. I still need them to sleep.”
She nodded.
“Did you know dolphins sleep with one eye open?”
“Do they?”
“It’s called unihemispheric sleeping. The right eye closes when the left side of the brain sleeps, and the left closes when the right sleeps. They can’t fully sleep because they need to remember to breathe.”
Lillian smiled. “I’ve missed your random facts. But since you aren’t, in fact, a dolphin, I still think weaning off might be a good thing.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I know.”
“How about your personal life? Is there someone special these days? Dating anyone?”
“I’m not dating anyone. I was, but I ended it recently.”
“Why did you end it?”
“I felt bad because I have growing feelings for someone else.”
“Oh…” Lillian picked up her pen from the end table and wrote something down in her book. “I’d have to look back in my notes, but I’m pretty sure this is the first time you’ve mentioned having feelings for someone. Obviously we’ve talked about men you’ve dated, but you usually use words like compatible or having fun to describe your relationships, not feelings. I’m excited to hear you’re interested in someone you have an emotional connection with. The woman who sat across from me a few years ago would’ve run the other way if her heart got invested in a man.”
I smiled. “Well, I sort of did. It’s a long story, but I met Donovan last year. We have the same luggage, and I grabbed his and not mine at the airport. We met to exchange bags, and we hit it off and had coffee. Coffee led to dinner, and dinner led to an amazing weekend.”
“That sounds a bit like fate, almost a fairytale.”
I nodded. “Except me being me, when the ball was over, I turned into a pumpkin and ran away.”
“Did you happen to leave a glass slipper behind?”
I shook my head. “Definitely not—although he says he went back to the coffee shop where we’d met for a few weeks after, hoping to see me. So I guess he was trying to be Prince Charming. But you know I’ve perfected the art of avoidance, so we didn’t run into each other again for almost a year. He wound up being the attorney for one of my kids. I walked into the police station one evening, and there he was.”
“Oh, wow.” She smiled. “Sounds like fate wasn’t accepting what you were doing. Tell me about this man. You said his name is Donovan?”
I nodded. “Well, he’s the opposite of most men I’ve dated. From the outside, you wouldn’t think so. He’s smart, successful, wears nice suits, and went to an Ivy League school. But underneath the exterior, he’s so much more. He grew up with less than nothing, so he’s worked extra hard to be where he is, and that makes him much tougher than anyone I’ve ever dated. The men I date are usually sort of soft on the inside, whereas Donovan is made of steel. I’m extremely attracted to that inner strength.”
“He sounds wonderful. Usually when you’d tell me about a man you were dating you’d mention his physical attributes first, then read me his resume. You did neither when you described Donovan. You spoke from your heart.”
“Well, he’s also ridiculously handsome, so there’s that—with a body to die for underneath that crisp dress shirt. He also has lots of tattoos that I find incredibly sexy.” I pointed to my arms. “Look. This is why I didn’t lead with a description. I have goose bumps just thinking about what he looks like.”
Lillian laughed. “Any chance he has an older brother?”
“It’s funny. In a lot of ways, Donovan’s as protective as I am about letting people see what lies beneath. We just have different reasons.”
“But it sounds like he’s let you in.”
I nodded. “He has.”
“Have you shared your past with him?”
I shook my head. “He’s a very perceptive person, so he definitely knows there’s something lurking. But I haven’t spoken to him about…you know.”
“What’s the status of your relationship with Donovan right now? You said you recently broke things off with someone else, but are you and Donovan dating?”
I frowned. “No.”
“Has he asked?”
I smiled sadly. “More than once.”
“I’m guessing you won’t go out with him because you actually like him?”
I nodded and looked down.
“Don’t be ashamed to be afraid, Autumn. Fearing something big is human nature, and we all have fears.”
“I hate how weak I am.”
“Being afraid is not a weakness. Not in the least. Being afraid is a protective instinct we all have, and it’s healthy. Think of it as a home alarm system. Our fears set off a loud warning for people we shouldn’t let in, and that’s a good thing.”
“Yes, but my alarm system wants to keep everyone out.”
Lillian shook her head. “It did at one point. But you’re here. You’re here today, Autumn. That means you’ve already accepted that there’s someone you want to let in. You’re just not sure how to do it because it’s been so long.”
I blew out a deep breath. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“Over the years, your fears have sabotaged your relationships. You went out with men you knew you had no true emotional connection with. And a year ago you sabotaged things with Donovan because you weren’t ready to take them on. But you’re ready now. You’ve already taken the first step, just by showing up today. You did all the hard work on your own, so now we need to get you the rest of the way.”
“How do I do that?”
“The only way to overcome your fears is to push through the center. You have to embrace what you’re afraid of.”
“But I’ve been dating.”
“You’re not afraid of dating. You’re afraid to give someone your trust again.”
I sighed. “I guess so. I want to trust Donovan. I really do. But I’m not sure how.”
Lillian nodded. “A good place to start might be to tell him about what happened.”
CHAPTER 23
* * *
Donovan
Autumn’s car was already parked outside when I arrived.
All afternoon, I’d told myself I wasn’t going to leave work early and drop by Bud’s. I had a dozen hours I still needed to bill today, clients who needed to be called back, and a trial coming up to prep for. Generally on Saturdays, I’d get to the office by seven. But today Bud had been discharged at ten, so I picked him up and drove him home, then settled him in once we got there.
My usual 7AM start had turned into arriving at the office at almost 1PM, and I had to leave by 4:30 in order to fill in for Bud serving dinner tonight. But I figured there was a lot I could get done in three and a half hours. Unfortunately, I hadn’t factored in how distracted I’d be all damn afternoon knowing Autumn was over at Bud’s. Eventually, I gave in and called it quits. I wasn’t getting jack shit done anyway, so there was no point in sitting at my desk.
The front door was unlocked. I shook my head, thinking I’d have to talk to Bud about that. Th
e man had just spent two days in the hospital after being beaten on the street. He needed to be more careful.
I found Autumn in the kitchen washing dishes. She hadn’t heard me come in, so I took a moment to stand in the doorway and watch her. A faint smile graced her beautiful face, and every couple of seconds the corners of her lips twitched slightly—like she was thinking about something that amused her. Damn, she was gorgeous. I’d meant to let her know I’d come in before she saw me so I didn’t startle her, but she must’ve sensed someone watching because her head suddenly whipped up.
“Oh my God.” She lifted her wet, sudsy hand and covered her heart. “How long have you been standing there?”
I smiled. “Sorry. Not long.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“I was going to. But I was too busy trying to figure out what you were thinking about that had you smiling.”
“I was smiling?”
I nodded. “What was on your mind just now?”
She looked away. “Nothing.”
I took a few steps closer and stood on the other side of the kitchen island. “Nothing, huh? You sure about that?”
Autumn cleared her throat. “Bud just finished eating. He fell asleep in his recliner.”
I nodded. “They said he didn’t sleep well at the hospital. I’m sure he was worried about the house being empty for a few days. People around here see an opportunity and take it.”
She frowned. “Why doesn’t he move?”
“Because this is his home, and he gets a sense of purpose from helping the community. Plus, he has his garden in the back and workshop in the garage.”
“I guess.” Autumn shrugged. “Has this type of thing happened before? Where he was attacked?”
“No. People usually look out for Bud because he’s a good person and well respected. It’s a pretty tight-knit community, for the most part. The problem is it’s also easy to score drugs on a half-dozen corners around here, so it attracts outsiders—and not good ones.”
Autumn finished rinsing the last dish in the sink and turned off the water. “You want something to eat? I haven’t put lunch away yet. It’s probably still warm.”
“It smells good, but no, that’s okay. I’d rather you leave it for Bud. It’s not going to be easy for him to do much for a while with that arm in a cast.”
“I made a lasagna, pasta fagioli, and chicken Française. So he’s got at least a dozen dinners in there to start. I froze some and left a few in the fridge for the next few days.”
“Thank you for doing all that for him.”
“I figured you’d be at work all afternoon today, since you picked up Bud from the hospital this morning, and you’re covering his dinner service.”
“I wanted to see how he was doing. I wasn’t sure what time you were coming by.”
From the other room, Bud’s voice boomed. “My ass. He asked this morning if I knew what time you were coming, and I told him you’d called and said you’d be here about now.”
I chuckled and hung my head as I yelled back, “Thanks a lot, Bud. You’re supposed to be my wingman. Not tell my secrets.”
“Can’t say I blame you. She cooks damn good.”
Now Autumn was laughing. She yelled, “Thanks, Bud!”
“No problem, sweetheart.”
I lowered my voice and winked. “I’ll go check on him anyway.”
Bud was in his beat-up old, leather recliner with his feet up.
“How you feeling, old man?”
“Fine.” He pointed to his cast. “If this thing were on the other hand, my life would be a lot easier. I’m shit with my left hand.”
“I figured I’d water the plants in the yard so you don’t get that cast wet on the first day home.”
“Oh, good. Pick the tomatoes that are ready while you’re out there, will ya?”
“Sure.”
Bud’s yard was practically a farm, so watering and picking ripe fruit wasn’t a two-minute job. The sun was blazing, and I had on a long-sleeve dress shirt and slacks, so by the time I finished, I was sweaty. I’d tossed a change of clothes into a duffle bag this morning, figuring I’d want to get out of my dress duds before doing dinner service, so I grabbed it out of my car before heading back into the house.
“Mind if I take a quick shower?” Bud and Autumn were sitting together in the living room.
“Use the one in your old room.”
After a quick shower, I reached into the cabinet below the sink, the one where the towels had always been kept. Unfortunately, I hadn’t thought to check whether Bud still filled the cabinet until after I was dripping wet.
Shit.
I pulled the jeans in my bag up my wet legs and snuck out of the bathroom to grab a towel to dry off before I got fully dressed. But as I went toward the hall bathroom, the door suddenly opened. Autumn came out and blinked a few times before her eyes dropped to my bare chest. I’d come out of the other bathroom grumbling with denim sticking to my legs, but suddenly I wanted to kiss Bud for not filling that towel cabinet.
Autumn didn’t even try to hide checking me out. Her eyes took in my chest, slowly worked their way down my abs, and flared when they got down to the top of my jeans. I knew I hadn’t buttoned, and I hadn’t bothered to throw underwear on to go get a towel, but I hadn’t realized that in the haste of pulling up my pants, I’d left the head of my cock pushed up and sticking out. My first instinct was to cover up, not intentionally be a lewd asshole, but when Autumn’s lips parted, I forced my hands to stay at their sides.
Jesus Christ. The way she was looking at me, I wanted nothing more than to walk her backwards into the bathroom and shut the door behind us. And in the moment, I thought she might actually let me. But then—
A loud crash sounded from the other room. “Shit!”
Bud might as well have thrown a bucket of ice water on us. Autumn and I both took off running. We found Bud in the kitchen with the refrigerator door open and a mess all over the floor.
“What happened?”
“I tried to get a spoonful of that chocolate pudding pie Autumn brought over, but the stupid cast got in the way.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. The glass pie plate was shattered all over the floor, and Bud had no shoes on. “Go sit. I’ll clean it up.”
“Why the hell are you half naked?”
“Because apparently you don’t keep towels in the guest bathroom anymore.”
“Well, go put some clothes on.”
Considering the moment he’d ruined, I might as well. I turned to Autumn. “Leave it. I’ll suck it up with the shop vac after I get dressed. I don’t want you cutting yourself.”
I grabbed a towel from the other bathroom and finished getting dried off. For a half second, I considered whacking off to the memory of Autumn staring down at the head of my cock with her lips parted—a memory that would forever be seared into my brain. But you don’t do that shit in another man’s bathroom, especially one who’s kept your head from falling into the toilet bowl in the exact same room on more than one teenage occasion. So instead, I made quick work of getting dressed and then went out to the garage for the shop vac. When I was done cleaning up the kitchen, it was already time to leave to serve dinner.
I walked into the den and found Bud about to fall asleep in his recliner again, watching some old black-and-white western movie on TV.
Autumn’s nose was buried in her phone. “Did you know Gone with the Wind was the first color movie to win an Academy Award?” she asked, looking up.
I smiled. “I didn’t. I’m not sure how I’ve gotten by without that tidbit of information.”
She made a face, and I laughed. “I need to get going to set up for dinner service.”
Autumn stood. “Do you want some help tonight?”
“Sure, if you don’t mind.” As if I’d ever turn down spending time with her, even if it was in an abandoned house with a bunch of questionable people.
We said goodbye to a sleepy Bud,
and I told him I’d be back tomorrow to check on him. He wouldn’t have been Bud if he hadn’t argued with me that he didn’t need any help. But I’d be back no matter what he said.
Outside, I told Autumn to hop into my car, and we’d drive together to pick up the food I’d ordered before going to serve dinner. I might’ve stretched the truth and told her Bud’s place was on my way back home, so it would be easy to pick up her car. I mean, it was if I took the completely out-of-my-way route to get home. But I liked her close.
Since I had assumed I’d be working in my office up until the very last minute this afternoon, I’d ordered a few six-foot heroes and some salads for dinner. It made things smoother since we didn’t have to worry about keeping food warm. But I was glad Bud hadn’t asked what I was serving, because anything other than a hot meal wasn’t acceptable to him.
Throughout the evening, I kept close tabs on Autumn. She attracted a lot of attention behind the serving table, most of it friendly, but you can never be too careful. Some of the people who ate here weren’t in a stable frame of mind, which is the vibe I got from two guys who stumbled in just as we were about to call it a night and shut down.
“Aww, come on, pretty lady.” The taller of the two held his plate out to Autumn. “You can give me more than that, can’t you?”
I recognized the shorter one as a local drug dealer—at least he had been back when I’d lived in the neighborhood. He was probably about ten years older than me, and had been in and out of jail, though I didn’t keep tabs on people in the neighborhood anymore. Considering my own past, I tried not to judge, but I didn’t like the tone his buddy used.
I walked over and stood next to Autumn. “Can I help you guys with something?”
The guy sneered. “Nope. Everything’s looking good right here.”
The shorter one squinted at me. “You’re Decker, right? Used to live two blocks over from here?”
“That’s right.”
He held up his fist to bump. “How’s it going, man? You’re a big-time lawyer now or something, aren’t you?”