by T. S. Joyce
“Thank you for saying that,” she whispered, her heart thumping erratically.
“What happened?” he asked.
“Let’s talk about happy stuff instead.”
“I gave you my name,” he rumbled. “You can say the hard parts and take the weight off your shoulders, then we can talk about happy stuff.”
And she wanted to. For the first time in her life, she wanted to tell someone everything. She wanted to let him in, in hopes that Nuke would take better care of her heart than Manning had.
“Pinky swear not to tell anyone?” she asked, sticking her pinky up in the air. “Pinky swears are very important.”
He gave a smile she didn’t understand. “Oh, little Pegasus. You don’t know yet, but you will. I won’t spill your secrets.”
“We’re friends?” she asked.
He nodded once, then stood and made his way to her. He hesitated a moment, his eyes locked on hers, and then he hooked his pinky around hers. “Your secrets are safe.”
And looking up at him in the dim lighting of the trailer, she had a moment. His hair had fallen forward, his eyes were dark but they had those silver dragon pupils, his smile ghosted the corners of his lips, and he looked sturdy as an oak hovering above her. She didn’t get awed by people in general, but with Nuke? He captured every molecule of her attention. She’d never been so consumed by a man.
“Your secrets are safe with me, too,” she whispered.
Sparks electrified the air between them as they got lost in each others’ gaze. Nuke was the one to break it. He backed up a few steps and forced his attention to the floor, then made his way to the mattress he’d been sleeping on and dragged it up beside her recliner. He laid down on it, on his side, and nodded. “I’m ready.”
And she was ready too. She was ready to spill about the hole she’d been tossed into and had been unable to dig out of.
“My father needed a good match for me and my sister, Tory. Etory Jasmine Hogue.” She smiled to herself just thinking of her sister introducing herself with her full name to new people when they were younger. “She found a love match with a lower ranking Crow Blooded, and our father agreed to it on one condition.”
“What condition?”
“That I let him choose my mate. I am a winged horse.”
Nuke’s voice was full of gravel when he said, “You’re a trophy.”
“That was the bargaining chip. I could buy my sister’s love match at the cost of my future. If I didn’t, he would deny the match and yank her from the Murder she was in. He would break her heart, but I could buy it. She could be happy.”
“You said yes.”
“Of course. I don’t care what that says about me either. Tory is special. She’s kind. Too kind for this world maybe. She’s caring, and is a good mate for Logan. Someday, God-willing, she will have a chance to be a mother and she will be amazing at that too. She’s my baby sister. It was just her and me most of the time. I’m supposed to take care of her.”
She thought this was the part where Nuke would judge her, but he didn’t. Instead, he just nodded and said, “I had a younger brother, too. I understand.”
“Anyway, I was gifted to Manning. He already had a female crow shifter in his Murder. Ren was the first one I met there, and she was nice to me. We were kept separate a lot. I think Manning saw her as a threat, and didn’t want her to teach me independence, but he didn’t understand. I was just there to ensure my sister had her happy life. I needed Ren.” Her voice broke on the last part. “It would’ve been easier if I had someone…anyone…to lean on. Manning was a good pretender at first. He was kind and brought me presents, said nice things, but all of that was a lie. He didn’t want me. He wanted the winged horse mate that would secure his status as a leader in the Murders. I elevated him, and he demolished me. It happened slow. It was a day-by-day fall. It was one of those can’t-stop-it-to-save-your-life tumbles and somewhere along the way, I lost myself completely. I held on to the idea that Tory was happy, and for the last year that’s all that’s mattered to me. Her happiness was the world. That’s love. When another person’s happiness means the world. I learned that lesson slow. I thought I loved Manning. I even said it to him, but his happiness was an impossible thing. He only cares for status and power. Tory though? We went through so much, and one of us made it out. One of us will make it out. It’ll be Tory. She deserves everything good.”
“So do you.”
There was such a tone of finality, of confidence, of conviction in Nuke’s tone that she almost believed it. But…she was here with bad intentions. She was giving up his Crew for her sister’s life. He didn’t understand. She hoped he never did.
“Ren saved me, in a way.”
“How?” he asked.
“In Crow Blooded tradition, if you give someone a gift of intention, it blesses the union. Children will come easier and prosperity will coat the bond. If that gift is lost or stolen? It’s a very bad omen. Not just one the mating, but on the entire Murder.” Trina rested her hand under her cheek and curled her knees to her chest. “The night he gave me his mother’s amulet in front of the Murder, I was terrified. He’d turned sour already, and I didn’t want to wear it. I didn’t want anything to do with him, but I was trapped. I hesitated on saying yes. I couldn’t pull my poker face together, I just stared at the ugly thing dangling from his fingers as he told me how I would take my place as queen by his side. My words froze in my throat and I remember my stomach felt like it dropped straight out of my body and to the floor. My delayed reaction made Manning mad. Very mad. Just…furious. Red crept up his neck and into his cheeks and the veins popped in his forehead and his eyes were full of rage. I was scared. He hadn’t been kind with his touch before that night, but this was the first time he smacked me in front of the Murder. It hurt and I was ashamed. I remember when I opened my eyes, Ren was yelling at Manning, and he smacked her too. She looked as shocked as I felt, and I wanted to help. I wanted to kill him. Ren had been nice to me, and she was kind to stick up to a king for me. She went submissive. That’s what I thought, but when she snuck me a look, I could tell she was planning something. She was mad. Ooooh, she looked mad. I don’t know if she’s ever been smacked before, but that lit some kind of fire in her. We shared a bedroom, and that night when I came in to go to bed, she was throwing some clothes into a bag. She was going to leave. I got in bed. I was crying, curled in on myself, and she didn’t say a word. I heard the door open, and I was afraid it was Manning, but it was just Ren leaving. She stood up straight, lifted her chin in the air, and she took my amulet from the dresser by the door. She waited there for a few seconds, like she was waiting for me to stop her. I didn’t. I wanted her to take it. And she did. She left that night, and Manning and his Murder went crazy looking for her and the amulet.”
“No one will ever lay a hand on you again,” Nuke promised. His silver pupils had dilated and the dragon was obvious there. The rumble from his throat made his promise seem even more real. “That’s what you meant by sanctuary. It’s Ren.”
“It was.” Now it’s you. That last part, she kept to herself.
“I had a younger brother,” he said suddenly.
Had. “What happened to him?”
He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple dipping low. “Me.”
She didn’t understand. “Is he…is he dead?”
“Died of dragon’s fire.”
Realization froze her into place. “Whose dragon fire?”
“His name was Tovlin. Someone found out what we were. My mom was human, and my dad was like me, and they had three Dragon Blooded sons. Someone found out, and I never figured out how. They hired a dragon. Fuck…I didn’t even know there was another one. We thought we were the last ones left. He was big. An ancient one maybe. We were in Siberia, out in the middle of nowhere. We weren’t hurting anyone. Just changing when we had to, burning the earth when we had to, eating ash when we had to. We imprisoned ourselves in the cold, in discomfort, to keep the humans safe.
We would’ve stayed there all our lives. It was our duty to keep people safe…from us. It was our job. The dragon came, and he burned everything. Burned everyone. Only Tovlin and I were left and he told me it was okay.”
“What was okay?” she whispered in horror.
Nuke blinked slowly, and when he opened his eyes again, they saw something that wasn’t here. Another world, another time. “If we both fought the dragon, we could avenge our brothers, our parents. But my dragon was the worst of us. They had control, but me? My dragon was awful from the first change. Bigger than the others, darker, lethal, no empathy, no control, no right-or-wrong, no conscience. Just…death. All he does is kill, and burn, and eat ash. Tovlin knew it, and he said it was okay.”
Her eyes burned with tears. The desolation in his tone burned a hole right through her heart. “Did you kill him?”
“I killed the rogue dragon with him, and then I killed him. My dragon killed my brother, and as much as I wanted to, as much as I was screaming in my mind, I couldn’t stop him. I’ll never get it out of my head. The love you have for your sister? I had that for all of my brothers. Tovlin, I was closest to. He was my brother and my best friend. I wish the rogue would’ve killed him, but he’d only hurt him. We can only die by dragon’s fire. Tovlin was hurt by his fire, but he died by mine.”
“Oh my gosh,” she whispered.
“So, you see…I have to carry that with me always. That knowledge that when I miss him, his loss is on me. I dream about him. I think about him. His happiness was everything, and I took it from him. He knew I would. He told me it was okay. He was scared of my dragon, and he still made sure I knew it was okay. He should be here. I should not. And if I’m forced to be here, unable to die because there are no dragons left to kill me by fire, then I’ll live protecting other brothers who are targeted for being what they are.”
“The Banes.”
“Yes. I need a purpose. I need something to protect.” He cocked his head and something unfathomable washed through his expression. “I came here and found the purpose I was looking for.”
He killed his brother. He killed him in the aftermath of a war, and how terrifying was it that this shifter had so little control of a monster that could wreak havoc on the entire earth? “Do you have any control?”
“No.” He clenched his jaw hard and amended, “Not until tonight.”
“What do you mean?”
“You pulled me off a hunt, and made the dragon go still. That was the first time I have ever felt in control of the monster. He froze and just…watched you. Watched your animal. He didn’t want to come out, because he didn’t want to hurt you.” Grave seriousness took his tone when he murmured, “He won’t hurt you. These other motherfuckers,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. “The dragon would burn to ash, and eat, and then piss on their scorch marks, but you? You’re the only one in the world who is safe from the devil inside of me.”
It was a broken man’s admission, and a monster’s compliment.
It shouldn’t have touched her, but it did. She should be terrified after what he’d just admitted…but she wasn’t. Instead, she was hurt for him. She could see the agony in his eyes as he’d told her that story. She witnessed the tears that welled, but refused to fall as he had talked about his brother.
“I should give you some space to think about what you just learned about me.”
He rocked upward and made to get off the mattress, but she shoved her hand out and stilled him. “I can think with you here.”
“Trina,” he warned. “You just learned something awful about me. You learned what I’m capable of.”
Trina dropped her hand to the chair. “I also learned that you lost the people you loved the most, and you’re still here, trying to be good. I learned that you refused to go dark. You’ve been kind to me, and you didn’t have to be. You could’ve spiraled and ended up hurting more people, but the world still doesn’t even know you exist, Nuke. I learned you are capable of great damage, and that you are also capable of good. That’s the war, right? Good versus evil. Man versus monster. You stopped tonight. Good won.”
He huffed a short and humorless laugh. “Tonight, you were the good.” He shook his head, and his eyes were a hundred years old when he said, “When I hunt, there is no good in me.”
“Will I see the dragon someday?”
“Never. You can never see him.” He shook his head again and withdrew farther on the mattress, away from her. “My animal isn’t beautiful, like yours.”
“Your animal isn’t beautiful to you, because you hate him. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say.”
His dark eyebrows drew down, and he stared at the wad of sheets at the end of his bed. “I don’t hate him. I don’t hate anything.”
His voice was off though. Hollow. “Lie,” she called him out. “I can hear the lie, and I think you do, too.”
“The Crew wouldn’t think it’s ugly either. I’d bet money. They’re all messed up in their own ways that we haven’t even scratched the surface of. We’re all damaged. Do you fly?”
“I burn. Everything.”
“Do you fly?” she asked again.
He nodded his head once.
“Do you have to change often?”
“I never have to change again if I can keep control of him. It’s where the nickname Nuke came from. You only send me in if everyone is supposed to burn. Otherwise? Let me work.”
“Work?”
“My main job is to keep the monster chained inside of me. Even now? I’m working.”
“How big is the dragon?”
“Stop,” he rumbled.
“The Crew would be in awe if they saw you—”
“The Crew would burn, Trina. You get that, right? My own brother couldn’t survive my dragon, and he was a dragon. What chance would a few crows, a bear, and a wolf have against my stream of fire? Not a chance in the world.”
“But Crews build bonds. If you bond deeply enough with them—”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he said suddenly. “I thought this would feel better, but it doesn’t.”
“Have you never talked about this before?” she asked.
“No. Never. Not to anyone. Not to a soul.” His dark eyes twitched away and he gave her his profile.
“You never told anyone else about your brother?” she whispered. “You just carried this alone?”
He flashed her a warning look, and those silver pupils were back. “I thought you would understand about carrying things alone.”
“I do. I do. I’m just sorry you didn’t have anyone…to…”
“I did. Tovlin.” He stood. “I think I need to eat.”
“You aren’t alone,” she blurted as he strode for the kitchen.
Nuke stopped, his wide expanse of back to her.
She scrambled out of the recliner and said it again. “You. Aren’t. Alone. Not anymore.”
“I’m the only one of my—”
“And I’m the only one of my kind,” she finished for him. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“You should be.”
“But I’m not. You’ve never seen me fly, Nuke. You could be the size of the Grand Canyon, and you still couldn’t catch me.”
He dipped his chin and gave her his profile, cast a glance at her over his shoulder.
“Everything happens for a reason. People meet for a reason. Sometimes you meet a person and they serve as a lesson in your life. And sometimes you meet lifelong friends. And sometimes, if you’re really lucky, you find someone else who reminds you that you aren’t walking this earth alone. I think you’re going to do that for me.” She straightened her posture and lifted her chin into the air. “And you, Tarek Alias Asheater, already trust me. I think you should let me be the reminder for you.”
Turning to her, he asked, “What would this relationship require?”
She grinned. “You have to call me on every holiday. I’m assuming you’re bad at phones, since you haven’t looke
d at one a single time when I’m around. And I’ll call you weekly, just to catch up. I’ll let you see my journey of digging out of the hole I got myself into, and you can tell me stupid stories about how Amos has annoyed you each week. I’m leaving soon, but I don’t really want to leave you. You’re…”
“I’m what?”
“Interesting. To me and to my animal. You almost pet her tonight. Do you know how many people she’s let close to her?”
“None.” There was a note of finality in his voice, and something else. Hope?
“The big ol’ goose egg. Zero people. She hates people, she lashes out at anyone who even looks her way, she has her ears pinned back and her teeth snapping most of the time she has my skin. She’s a jerk.”
He chuckled and dropped his head as the tension rolled right off of his shoulders.
“You think your dragon is scary? Try being a flying horse with an attitude problem who can move at the speed of light and tries to stomp anything around her that moves. For as submissive as my human side is, my animal side has an atrocious attitude. You don’t have to ever change again. I have to change every few days and then it’s stompy-stompy flap-flap time while trying to convince her we shouldn’t accidentally end up on the news, or really, on anyone’s radar. In the world. Being shifted is one long negotiation where I’m along for the ride trying to convince an animal who…and I can’t stress this enough…doesn’t give a single shit about being found out, to stay invisible, and also not squish everyone with her giant dagger edged hooves. I was a gem in my last Murder. Everyone has scars. Douche-prick Manning just really wanted a trophy made of piss and vinegar and razor blades.” She gestured to her face. “With a huge birthmark down her face.”
“I think the birthmark is hot. Who wants to look just like everyone else?”
“Um, me. My animal is a special little snowflake, and it’s terrible. Being the shifter I am has never benefited me in any way. It only got me targeted. I would love it if my human side could get a break from the staring. People rarely look me in the eyes when they talk to me. They stare at the big red imperfection my genetics gifted me with.” She frowned as she realized something. “Except you. You stare right into my eyes.”