“Finally. A first and last name. That’s helpful information.”
“It’s helpful until you factor in that he’s trying to win Lou back.” He isn’t likely to help me just as I wouldn’t help him when he wanted me to tell Lou to call him.
“The guy is a bartender. His knowledge about her could easily be bought.”
It would kill me to have to go to that fucker. “I’ll only consider it after all other options have been exhausted.”
“Then let’s go back to Lou’s best friend. I met her at the cocktail party. She was with a client. A regular, Lou said.” Brady’s brow wrinkles. “His name was Clyde or Claud. Something like that and he owns tour companies, the ones with all-day excursions around Scotland.”
“Well that’s slightly better than looking for a needle in a haystack.”
“You can get to Rachel through this Clyde or Claud and ask her to put you in contact with Lou. If she won’t, Cameron Stewart can be your next move. After that, you may be forced to hire a private investigator.”
I’d prefer to not take that route. Thomas is dirty. Very dirty. And I don’t know which private investigators are and aren’t on his payroll.
“Lou told me she loved me.” After we made love, skin on skin, an act that she believes should only be shared by two people in love. That alone tells me how she feels about me. The words weren’t necessary, but I coveted hearing them from her.
Her ‘I love you’ doesn’t accompany motive. It comes from a place of honesty. Her heart.
“Did you say it back?”
“No.”
I wasn’t expecting her to say those words to me. I wasn’t prepared. And when I didn’t say them back, I hated the hurt that I saw in her eyes.
I was afraid to love her. Now, I’m more afraid to lose her.
I’m such a fucking dobber. I should have told her right then and there how I felt about her.
“Do you love the lass?”
“I do.” I love her so much it hurts. “And I should have told her so, but I was afraid.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. Mina put you through some intense shite. No one can blame you for being cautious.”
I foolishly let her get away without telling her how I feel. “Caution may have caused me to lose the only thing that’s ever made me feel alive.”
“If she’s the one, you’ll find her and tell her. Simple as that.”
The one. Is that even possible? I’ve only known Lou for three months.
“I made myself believe that Mina was the one and look at how wrong I was about that. How can I trust myself to get it right this time?”
“I don’t think I’m the person to ask. In case you forgot, I got it wrong too. But if I had to guess at what kind of advice to give you, I’d say listen to your gut this time and not Thomas Lochridge.”
Brady has that much right.
I wasn’t ready to get married but Thomas Lochridge was clear about my options. No marriage meant no promotion. The only way I was going to climb the ladder at the firm was as his son-in-law. Because Mina was ready to be a wife. And what Mina wanted, Mina got. Thomas always saw to that.
Somewhere along the way, I was sucked into all there was to gain, but the cost was so much more than I could have ever imagined.
I thought things were complicated before Lou, but my problems multiplied tenfold when she entered my life. Having her is going to cost me. I know that. There’s never been any doubt in my mind about it. I’ll probably lose everything. And I don’t care. Having everything means nothing without her.
She is worth the fall.
39
Caitriona Louden
Light blue focused on hazel. Hard, chiseled arms holding me. Warm flesh on flesh, two bodies fused as one.
That’s how I choose to remember us.
Sweet dreams. There have been none of those for me. A nearly sleepless night has forced me to think about the beautiful ever after I’m never going to have with the man I love so dearly.
Fate, you’ve been a cruel bastard to me once again. Why am I your favorite person to hurt?
A soft knock on the door accompanies my whispered name. “Are you awake?”
“I am. You can come in.”
Rachel opens the door and enters the room, sitting on the side of the bed. “Did you sleep at all?”
“Not much.”
“I was afraid of that. Do you want to stay in today and rest instead of going shopping?”
“I’m tired but I need so many things. I don’t even have a toothbrush.” Or tampons. And I’ll be needing those soon.
“You don’t have to go today. You can borrow anything you need from me and we can go tomorrow after you’ve had some rest.”
I doubt I’ll sleep tonight either. “There’s no need in putting it off.”
“A hot shower and a good breakfast. That’ll make you feel better.”
That’s doubtful. I don’t think anything is going to make me feel better. And I’m afraid that nothing ever will.
“I’ll need to borrow something to wear.”
“You’re always welcome to anything that belongs to me.”
“I know. And thank you.”
This is a rare moment—Rachel taking care of me. I’m usually the one who mothers her. But she doesn’t need me anymore. She has Claud to take care of her.
And I have no one.
Claud’s driver stops the car in front of our favorite department store. “Would you like me to wait for you or should I return later?”
“We have a lot of shopping to do so we’ll probably be a while. I’ll text you when we’re ready to be picked up.”
“Aye, Miss Rachel,” the driver says.
She smiles when I do a double take after the driver calls her by her real name. “I’ll explain in a minute.”
We get out of the car and Rachel says, “I left Inamorata to be Claud’s girlfriend. His real girlfriend. It would be silly to have him and the staff call me Meg, don’t you think?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Makes total sense.
Rachel and Claud are real. Hutch and I were not. At least not on his end. What I felt was real.
I’m happy for Rachel—very happy—but I admit that I envy her relationship. “Claud’s good for you.”
“I know, right? He’s exactly what I needed in my life.”
Truth. I love Rachel but she needs someone to take care of her. That’s who she is and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. She’s lucky Claud wants to be her keeper.
“What would you like to look at first?”
“Bras and panties.” I went commando today because I refuse to borrow Rachel’s. She may be my best friend but I just can’t wear her underwear.
She holds up a cute little black lace G-string. “Nice.”
“Nice for you but I have no one to wear that for now. I’m just looking for normal everyday undies.” Because no one besides me is going to be seeing them.
“That’s boring.”
Boring is what I need. “Classes start in two weeks so my life is about to become very busy. I’m jumping headfirst into my studies. It’ll be a good distraction.”
Rachel sighs and returns the G-string to its place on the table. “Classes and studying aren’t going to stop you from thinking about him.”
Pity. I’ve seen it my entire life. And I hate it.
“Yes, I’m sad about leaving Hutch, but I’ll eventually get over it. It’s not the end of the world.” Even if right now it feels like it is.
“You’re not a delicate piece of glass that can be easily broken. I know that, but you’re wounded and it hurts me to see you like this. I don’t like it.”
“Trust me. I don’t like it either, but it’ll get better in time. It won’t always hurt like this.” The words sound really good coming out of my mouth. I only hope that they’ll be true one day.
“Have you thought about going back to Inamorata?”
“What kind of crazy question is that?”
I have an insane amount of money. With frugal spending, I could live on it for years. And after graduation, it will afford me the ability to work on my manuscript without worries about finances. I won’t be forced to put away my writing and work at a nine-to-five job to make ends meet.
I have a chance at achieving my dreams, all because of Hutch. I’ll never forget that he’s the one who made that possible.
“I’m not asking about Inamorata because of the money.” She shrugs. “I don’t know. Things went so well with Hutch that maybe you’d meet someone else and have an even better experience?”
“I don’t want to meet someone else.” Ever. Hutch has ruined all other men for me.
“Maybe not today but you will one day.” Rachel holds up a pair of granny panties. “And do you really want to be wearing knickers like these when you do?”
“Whether I meet someone or not, I don’t ever want to wear panties like those.”
“Pretty bras and knickers make a girl feel good even if she’s the only person seeing them. Buy yourself some pretty things. You owe that to yourself.”
God knows that I need something to make me feel better. If pretty panties will do it, I’ll give it a shot.
Pretty bras and panties. New jeans and tops. Yoga pants and T-shirts. Accessories. None of it makes me feel better. Not even a little. Maybe that’s why I didn’t buy much. But then again, there’s no need to buy a lot of things until I find somewhere to live.
Somewhere to live. That has to be my next focus. I only have two weeks to find a place and get settled before classes begin. It can be done but it’s going to be hectic. There’s not a minute to waste.
I accepted Rachel’s invitation to have dinner with her and Claud. It was nice to not spend the evening alone. But it’s bedtime now and that’s what I am. Alone.
I wish Rachel would come and invade my bed as she did so many times at the apartment so we could talk. But I know she won’t. Claud is going out of town tomorrow. He’ll be gone for a week, and he’ll want Rachel in his bed tonight.
Just like Hutch wanted me in his bed.
I don’t know how much time passes after I throw myself across the bed. It could be seconds, minutes, hours. Elements of time are indistinguishable in this dark place without Hutch.
It’s our second night apart. I wonder if he’s missing me as he lies beside the empty spot where I used to sleep. Did he wake and reach for me this morning before he remembered that I was gone?
At some point, I become a pathetic, crying wreck. Didn’t I swear that this would never be me? That I would never be this woman, the one who lies in the dark crying for a man she can’t have?
I’m such a fool.
To regret meeting Hutch would be to wish him away, and I can never do that. Even the briefest time we had together was worth the agony I feel in my heart now.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
But probably not.
40
Maxwell Hutcheson
I wake and reach for Lou, finding the spot on the bed next to me empty. And my heart sinks. Again.
Eight days without her. I thought that I would have found her by now.
It’s odd, but I find comfort in spending time with Ava Rose. Being with her reminds me of the days we spent with Lou, days when we felt like a real family.
Calvin is driving us to my parents’ house in Glasgow. Ava Rose and I are in the back seat of the car, and she’s looking at me. I can’t help but wonder if she misses Lou as much as I do. Is she wondering why she’s gone? For some reason, I believe she is. “You don’t have to worry, lassie. I’m going to bring Lou back to you. Back to both of us.”
Ava Rose fusses a wee bit and I stroke my thumb down the center of her forehead and bridge of her nose, a little trick that Lou taught me. It takes a few minutes but the massage eventually soothes her to sleep, same as when Lou used to do it to her.
Lou was always so good with Ava Rose. Just like a real mum would be.
We arrive at my parents’ and Mum takes Ava Rose from me. “Lou’s not with you?”
“No.”
“That’s too bad. I was hoping she would be.”
I was hoping to put off the Lou conversation until later. I’m not looking forward to discussing it, but I might as well get it over with.
Mum carries Ava Rose into the living room and works on unbuckling her.
“I have something to tell you about Lou.”
She lifts Ava Rose out of the car seat and holds her up in the air, making funny faces at her. “Oh, wee lassie. What has your dad done now?”
“Why do you assume that I did something wrong?”
There it is, that I’m-your-mum-and-I-know-everything look. “Is my assumption inaccurate?”
“I’ve messed up… but it isn’t entirely my fault.”
“Then which part is your fault?”
I don’t look forward to telling my mum half-truths. But I also don’t want her to think poorly of Lou or me. That’s why I can’t confess that Lou was an escort whom I paid a lot of money to be my secret lover. “I guess I should start by admitting that we were seeing each other in secret. The immediate family knew about her but I never had intentions of telling anyone else about our relationship.”
“How long have you been sneaking around with her?”
“Three months.”
“Trust me. She isn’t fine with being your secret, and if you understood anything about women, you’d already know that.”
“Secrecy isn’t our problem. I think Blair did something to make Lou leave me.”
“Lou is gone?” I hear the disappointment in my mum’s voice and it cuts me to the bone.
“She left eight days ago after a visit from Blair. Mrs. McVey told me that Lou was upset and crying after their conversation. I know she did something to her.”
“It certainly sounds as though something happened. Have you spoken to Blair?”
“She claims nothing happened between them, but I don’t believe that for a second.”
“I don’t either,” Mum says.
“I’ve reached out to Lou a hundred times, but she won’t respond to my texts or take my calls.” She’s blocked me. I know she has.
“Was everything all right between the two of you before Blair came around?”
“Yes… and no.”
“What does yes and no mean?”
I never confided in Mum about my relationship with Mina. It feels a wee bit odd to be discussing my love life with her. “Lou told me she loved me.”
Mum’s head jolts around and her eyes widen. “She did, huh? What was your response to that?”
She looks so hopeful. And I’m about to shatter it all to pieces.
“I didn’t say it back.” Instead, I fucked her and told her to close her eyes and she’d be able to feel how important she was to me. What a stupid dobber thing to say to a woman.
I love you. Why didn’t I say those words back to her? It would have changed everything. She wouldn’t have left me no matter what Blair said. I’m sure of it.
“I think I owe you an apology. It seems I’ve meddled in your life when I shouldn’t have.”
“What do you mean?”
“I visited Lou a few weeks ago. She told me she loved you, and I urged her to tell you so because I thought you felt the same. I’m sorry, son. I wouldn’t have encouraged her if I had known you didn’t have those kinds of feelings for her.”
“But I do, Mum. I love Lou very much.” I didn’t know I could feel this way. I never had these kinds of feelings for Mina.
“But you didn’t tell Lou you loved her.”
“I hadn’t yet worked it out in my head that I loved her too. By the time I realized the truth, she was already gone. She left without knowing that I love her.” And that kills me.
“Oh, Max.” Mum shakes her head and closes her eyes for at least three beats of my heart. “You were in love with Lou when you brought her home. I knew it the minute I saw the two of you
together. And she was so obviously in love with you. She might not have told you yet, but it was so apparent to me.”
“I chose to not see it because I didn’t want to fall in love with her. But I see the truth now. And I’m going to find her and tell her how I feel. I’m going to make this right.”
“It’s been over a week. What’s taking so long?”
Good question. It’s going to be hard to explain why I don’t know where Lou lives so I’m choosing to not go there. “She’s been very good at evading me.”
“Blair must have said or done something terrible to make Lou cut you off like this.”
“I’m sure she did but she’ll never admit to it.”
“That poor lass must be hurting. She believes her love for you is not returned, which would be devastating. It’s no wonder she slipped away without a goodbye.”
“I’ve been an asshat. I know that, Mum, but I’m going to make this right with her.” I have to. Because the alternative is unacceptable.
“You’ve hurt Lou in a terrible way. She may not be interested in your making this right. It might be wise to prepare yourself for rejection.”
The thought of Lou rejecting me is painful, but it’s a reality that I can’t ignore. “I’m going to do everything within my power to make it up to her. I hate what my life looks like without her in it. And when I find her, I’m never letting her go again.”
“What does never letting her go again mean?”
I hear the question that Mum’s not asking.
“Ava Rose and Lou love each other. Lou and I love each other. I’d be a fool to let her get away again.” The words are frightening to say out loud, but I need to say them. I need to hear them from my own lips. “I want Lou to be my wife.”
Mum’s lips part but nothing comes out.
“I know what you’re thinking and it’s true. We’ve only known each other for three months, but it’s been the happiest three months of my life. She makes me feel alive, more so than I have in years, and I’m miserable without her.”
“I think it’s wonderful, Max.”
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