I hold my hands up. ‘Don't worry about it,’ I say. ‘Other people are allowed to get pissed off by their families. Honest.’
‘I just didn't know it was so easy to be an arse so many times in one day,’ Joe says.
‘Are you joking?’ Amy says. ‘Lee can be an arse this many times before breakfast!’
‘She's not wrong,’ Lee says.
People are clearing up around us, the music's finished and the fairy lights are off.
‘I don't wanna go...’ Amy fake-whines.
I don't either. Some nights are just perfect and you don't want them to end.
‘Come back to ours,’ Lee tells Joe.
‘You sure?’ Joe says. I like that he doesn't try to make excuses or say it's late, he's just up for carrying on drinking and talking.
It's not far to the flat, but I start to really feel the cold.
‘You okay?’ Joe asks.
My teeth are chattering, but I nod. ‘Not far now.’
‘I'd give you my coat,’ he says. ‘But then, you know, I'd be cold.’
I laugh. ‘Tell me about Australia. That might warm me up. What was your favourite place?’
I've heard about people's faces lighting up before, but I'd never really noticed it in action. As soon as Joe starts talking about Australia, though, he really does look lighter. His eyes are shining and he suddenly looks years younger, like a little kid.
‘Fraser Island, no contest,’ he says. ‘It's a sand island and it's just... sand!’ He laughs.
I pull a face. ‘Just sand?’
‘Yeah. I didn't think it sounded like much either, but it goes on forever. White sand, blue sky, green water. I was stressed when I got there, but after a few hours I felt like...’ He shakes his head. ‘This is going to sound wanky.’
I grin. ‘Go for it.’
‘I felt like I was exactly where I was meant to be. Like I was there on purpose. To learn to live.’
‘Only a bit wanky...’ I smile.
‘You know when people on holiday say, “Ah, this is the life”?’
I nod.
‘I felt like that. But like, “Ah, this is life.” You know?’
I've stopped walking. ‘I really, really don't.’
He shakes his head and looks, sweetly, embarrassed.
‘No, I don't mean... I mean, that's fantastic. That you felt that. That you experienced that. I mean, I've never done anything like that. I've hardly been anywhere or done anything at all.’ My eyes have filled with tears again. I shake my head to try to shift them.
‘Ella,’ Joe says, softly.
I look up at him and the way he's looking at me makes my stomach roll. I can't quite catch my breath. I look at his mouth. He has fabulous lips. I blink away the tears and reach one hand up to steady myself on his arm. I think about making some excuse and just going home, but then I think about how I felt when his hand accidentally touched mine as he handed me my drink earlier. And I can't remember when I last felt like that. So I kiss him.
As soon as our lips touch, I feel warmth flood through me, like the gluhwein. He slides one hand around the back of my neck and I shiver as his fingers catch in my hair. His mouth opens, I lick his top lip gently and he groans, his other arm pulling me harder against him. He sort of staggers back against the wall of the shop we're in front of and I press myself up against him and slide my free hand between us, and inside the front of his coat. I'm shivering and he opens his coat and wraps it around me without breaking the kiss. I'm not breathing properly. I pull back slightly and kiss his jaw, then rest my forehead against it.
‘Wow,’ he says. ‘I thought you didn't date.’
‘This isn't a date.’
He laughs and pulls me closer inside his coat. I slide my arms around his waist.
‘We should go inside,’ I say, but my voice doesn't sound like my voice. It sounds like a voice that hasn't been used for a while.
‘Just a sec,’ Joe says. ‘I can't move right now.’
I frown, but then I realise what he means and I smile up at him. ‘Sorry about that.’
‘Really,’ he says, smiling. ‘Don't apologise.’
***
In the lounge, Lee is slumped on one sofa and Joe is sitting at the end of the other. The TV's on with the sound low, a music channel playing Christmas songs. Lee's put some beers, a couple of bottles of wine and a few bags of crisps on the coffee table. I stand for a second and wonder if it would be too obvious to sit next to Joe, but then I think obvious is okay and drop down next to him. He grins and slides his arm along the back of the sofa behind me.
‘You all right?’ he asks, his mouth close to my ear. It makes me shiver.
I nod then reach forward and pour myself a glass of wine. The four of us talk and laugh – Amy and Lee regale Joe with stories of events we've done over the past few months and Joe tells us about travelling, but I'm not really paying attention, I'm too aware of Joe next to me. The way he smells (lemon and something spicy from the gluhwein), his thigh shifting against mine. It's as if all my nerve endings are suddenly closer to the surface. It makes me feel dizzy.
We finish one bottle of wine and we're all slumped slightly lower on the sofas. I've got one foot up along the seat and I'm leaning back against Joe's chest. I can feel him breathing and one of his arms is draped around me, his hand resting on my forearm. As he talks – he's telling us about getting lost in Vietnam and I close my eyes and just listen to his deep voice right next to my ear – his fingers trace circles on my forearm. I'm not even sure he knows he's doing it, but it's driving me completely crazy. I drain the glass of wine in my other hand and pull myself up to sitting.
‘Come on,’ I say to Joe, pulling on his hand.
He grins at me.
‘Where are you going at this time of night?’ Amy says, sniggering.
I tell her – and Lee – to shut up and pull Joe to his feet. He's looking at me intently again and his pupils are dark. He doesn't even say anything, just follows me to my bedroom.
It's only when I close the door behind me and turn round that I realise it's hardly the sexy boudoir image I was hoping to present. The curtains are open, the yellow street light illuminating the room brightly. My double bed's unmade and covered with clothes and magazines and there's a bowl of uneaten cornflakes and a cold cup of tea on my bedside table.
‘Just a sec,’ I say. I start gathering the crap off the bed, but then I feel Joe's arms around my waist and his lips on the back of my neck and I know it's a ridiculous cliché, but my knees actually do go weak.
‘Leave it,’ Joe says.
‘It'll only take a minute…’
‘I can't wait a minute. I've been waiting all day.’
He pulls the back of my T-shirt down and kisses me along my shoulders. I twist myself round to face him and he pulls me hard against him, his mouth finding mine, before I drop backwards onto the bed, pulling him on top of me. He pushes himself up on his elbows and looks at me for a second, before lowering his full weight onto me. I hear myself moan and I hook one leg around him, pulling him closer. But still not close enough. I shift my body and for a second I feel like it's too much, I can't wait, but Joe slides one hand up under my T-shirt and I can't think at all.
I half sit and pull my T-shirt over my head and Joe groans and traces his fingers down from my shoulders over the tops of my breasts.
‘I can't...’ I start to say.
He kneels up on the bed and pulls his top over his head. He's beautiful. I undo his belt and let him take off his trousers while I wriggle out of my jeans. He kisses my stomach and I roll on top of him and his hands slide down to my arse. I wince as he presses slightly too hard against my bruise.
‘Oh God, sorry,’ he says. ‘Wait. Let me see.’
I roll off him and lie on my front and he leans up on one elbow, looking down at me.
‘How about I kiss it better?’
Chapter 4
It's still dark when I wake up. My phone's not on the bedside ta
ble where I usually leave it so I have no idea what time it is. I stretch my legs down the bed and turn to look at Joe. He's on his back, one arm over his head. The duvet is down around his waist. He's frowning slightly and I want to kiss the little line between his eyebrows, but I'm incredibly thirsty, so I slide out of bed – trying not to move the duvet at all – and grab my dressing gown from the floor. I tiptoe across the room. The door clicks as I open it and I pause, but there's no sound or movement from Joe, so I keep going, leaving it ajar behind me.
In the kitchen, I get myself a pint of water from the tap and drink it looking out of the window. I'm aching in places I've never ached before, but I feel fantastic. Images from last night flicker through my mind and I laugh out loud as I remember Joe peeling a page from one of the magazines off his sweaty back. We laughed a lot last night too. And we talked. And we stopped talking. I pour another glass of water and take it back to the bedroom with me. As I place it down on Joe's side of the bed, he says, ‘Hey.’
‘Shit!’ Some of the water splashes out of the glass.
‘Sorry,’ Joe says. ‘Didn't mean to scare you.’
I walk around to my side of the bed and put the glass down. I don't know whether to get into bed or not, so I just stand there like a lemon.
‘Are you getting back in?’ Joe's pulled the duvet up a bit so it's halfway up his chest and I want more than anything to pull it back down again.
‘I don't know,’ I say, resting one knee on the edge of the mattress. ‘I was thinking of maybe going for a run...’
He sits up – the duvet falls down – and reaches over to grab the belt of my dressing gown. ‘I think you did enough exercise last night to last you...’
‘Oh yeah?’ I say, letting him tug me closer. ‘Till when?’
‘Oh, until the new year at least.’ He kneels up and the duvet falls all the way down.
‘So I shouldn't be doing any exercise today then? Don't want to hurt myself...’
He grabs my belt with his other hand and uses both to pull me fully against him. I lose my breath as he kisses my neck, right where it meets my shoulder.
‘We're doing this again?’ I breathe.
‘I thought we could,’ he says into my neck. I push him back onto the bed.
‘Okay. If you're sure it's a good idea.’
‘Oh, it's a good idea,’ he says, as I straddle him. He fiddles with my belt. ‘How the hell do you undo this thing?!’
I laugh and sit up. ‘Sorry, I knotted it.’ I try to undo it, but the knot's too tight.
‘I can't do it,’ I say.
Joe grins at me. ‘Then we'll have to work around it.’
I feel his fingers at the back of my knees and I gasp. I never knew the backs of my knees were an erogenous zone, but my stomach goes liquid. Joe's fingers slide up my thighs under my robe and I lower myself on top of him. The robe bunches up around my waist and I wince as he grabs my arse.
‘Sorry,’ he says against my mouth.
I shake my head and bite his lower lip. He has such biteable lips. He groans and his hands move up to my waist, still under the robe. He starts to roll me onto my back and then yelps.
‘My hand,’ he says. ‘Caught in the –’
‘Sorry.’ I lift myself up so he can free his hands. Once I'm on my back, he opens the front of my robe and just looks down at me.
I can't breathe.
‘You are so gorgeous,’ he says. He leans down and kisses my collarbone. ‘I'm going to follow the trail of freckles…’
He traces his tongue across my chest and I curl my toes against the mattress. His mouth moves lower and I hear myself gasping. I slide my hands up into his hair and bite my lip as he kisses my breasts. My nipples are sore from last night, but as soon as I feel his tongue on me, my back arches involuntarily and I dig my fingers into his hips, pulling him closer.
‘I want...’ I say.
‘I know,’ he says, kissing down my stomach. He pushes my robe out of the way and then I can't think any more.
***
‘So,’ Amy says.
I grin.
‘That was quite the little show you put on at the door.’
I laugh. We did take rather a long time to say goodbye.
‘How was it?’ she asks.
‘It was...’ I shake my head. ‘I don't even know what to tell you.’
‘I heard some of it so I don't need all the details...’
‘Gah. Sorry.’
‘He's really nice,’ she says.
‘Yeah. Too nice.’
‘The hell?’
‘You know there must be something wrong with him. He's gorgeous, funny, smart, nice and amazing in bed. That's not normal.’
‘But there's the travel thing.’
‘That too. I mean, that just makes him sexier, right? He's been places, he's seen things.’
‘And it's temporary, so you don't need to worry about the future or commitment or anything…’
‘Yeah,’ I say, frowning. ‘He wants us to go on a date.’
She shakes her head, grinning. ‘That bastard.’
‘I said yes. I mean, where's the harm? We go out, we have amazing sex and then he goes to Botswana and I go back to my life.’
‘Your real life,’ Amy says. ‘Or this life?’
‘Don't.’ I cross the kitchen and put the kettle on.
‘Are we never going to talk about it?’
‘Amy!’
She shakes her head. ‘It's just…’ She joins me next to the kettle and puts her arms around me from behind, resting her head on my shoulder. ‘We worry about you.’
‘I know you do,’ I say. ‘I'm just not ready yet.’
‘I know it hasn't been very long. We just don't want you to get stuck, you know?’
I close my eyes. ‘I know.’
‘I mean, you left uni and you chucked Danny and then –’
‘I know. I'm just not ready yet. I can't… I don't want to…’
Amy squeezes me. ‘It's okay. As long as you know we're here for you if you ever want to talk and if you want to do something, go somewhere, we'll go with you. Whatever makes it easier.’
‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘So now can I ask... what have you got on?’
She’s wearing a Metallica T-shirt. She looks down and practically does a double-take. ‘Oh, I must’ve picked it up by accident. I thought it was my Gaga one.’
She picks up her cup of tea. ‘Nice work changing the subject, by the way.’
‘It's a talent,’ I say, grinning.
‘And not your only one, from what I heard last night.’
Chapter 5
‘I'm really sorry, Ella, I'm going to have to cancel tonight,’ Joe says.
I shake my head even though I know he can't see me – I'm on my mobile in the middle of the Trafford Centre food court and he's... well, I don't know where he is.
‘That's fine,’ I say.
Amy raises her eyebrows at me over her burger.
I mouth 'Joe' at her. She grins. I shake my head.
‘I've got a... family thing,’ Joe says. ‘My dad, you know...’
‘No worries.’ I take a slurp of my Coke.
‘Are you free tomorrow night?’ he asks.
‘No, we're working tomorrow night.’
Amy frowns.
‘Later in the week then?’
‘Maybe. I don't know what I'm doing just yet. I'll give you a ring when I do, okay?’
There's a silence and then Joe says, ‘Yeah. okay. I really am sorry.’
‘Okay! See you!’
‘He cancelled,’ Amy says, as I put my phone back in my pocket. .
‘Of course he did.’ I pick up my burger.
‘You're upset.’
‘I'm not upset,’ I say with my mouth full. ‘I'm not even surprised.’
Amy shakes her head. ‘Ella...’
‘Don't. I told you. I told you I didn't want to go on a date. The sex was great, but I don't want a boyfriend. You know that.’
>
‘I do,’ she says. ‘But I don't understand it. And I don't believe it. I think you really like him and that's why you're so angry right now.’
‘I'm not angry!’ I say, but my stomach is churning. ‘I only just met him. Yeah, he seems nice and he's hot and the sex was great, but... it's no big deal.’
‘But it could have been. Why shouldn't it be a big deal? Why are you so desperate for it not to be a big deal?’
I shake my head. ‘You're always having a go at me for not seeing anyone, but when did you last go out with someone? Someone that you like, I mean?’ I frown, trying to remember. ‘Matt, right? Has there been anyone since Matt?’
‘Don't turn this around on me,’ Amy says, her cheeks pink. ‘No, there hasn't been anyone since Matt. I haven't met anyone I like. That's different. You've met people. You've liked people. But then you've pushed them away.’
‘That's your interpretation of it.’ I take the bun off my burger and pick out the lettuce. ‘I don't agree.’
‘Why did you break up with Danny?’ Amy says. She reaches over and takes my lettuce, putting it on her own burger.
‘You know why. It just wasn't right.’
‘So you're looking for...’ She grins. ‘Mr Right?’
I roll my eyes. ‘I'm not looking for anyone, that's my point. I was just... I was wasting time with Danny. It was okay with him, but it was only okay. I wanted more.’
‘But you don't now?’
I shake my head. ‘I don't know. I'm fine as I am, you know? I don't want the stress of going out with anyone. That's why I –’
‘Didn't want to go on a date with Joe, I know.’
‘And you mocked me, and now look.’
‘What?’
‘He cancelled!’
‘People cancel, Ella! It's just one of those things. What reason did he give?’
‘A family thing. Something with his dad.’
‘His dad does sound like a bit of a 'mare.’
I nod.
Amy stares at me, a little worry line between her eyebrows. ‘I just think you need to let yourself relax a bit. Of course I don't think you should go out with anyone if you don't want to, but if it's just because you're scared...’
All I Want for Christmas: a funny and sexy festive novella Page 3