by Spike Black
Black. A long period of nothing.
Fleeting light waves. A room. A concrete floor. A staircase.
It was the basement. He was back in the basement!
A drilling noise, so loud it was deafening. Make it stop!
And when it did, an image presented itself. The blurry shape of a man.
Hey! Help! Let me out!
The man was lifting free weights. With dawning terror, he recognized him.
He struggled, his hands coming free, hitting glass. His entire world, he knew now, was nothing more than a viewing window. He knocked on the glass with all the energy he could muster.
Time was on fast-forward. More darkness. He had to warn himself. Somehow, he had to break the cycle.
He wrote with his finger on the glass. A desperate message.
Three words that were destined to be ignored.
don’t break me
Colon Cobra
Not this. Please, anything but this…
The pain grew steadily worse with every step Theo took. His bladder bulged like a water balloon beneath his waistband. He couldn’t hold it for much longer.
He’d avoided using the school bathroom since the terrible incident two years ago, and now his phobia of public toilets had grown so extreme that it had influenced his daily routine. He’d trained his body not to have to go during school hours, or any time he was out of the house, for that matter. But this morning his routine had gone out the window. He’d overslept (ironically enough, because he’d been woken in the middle of the night by one of his recurring nightmares involving pubic bathrooms), which meant he’d only had time to get dressed and wolf down a bowl of Cheerios before catching the bus.
Now, it seemed, he would have to pay the price.
Theo marched along the busy corridor, resisting the incredible urge to hold himself, and arrived at the door to the bathroom. He hesitated.
For a moment he had to wonder if it would be less painful to just wet himself right there, in full view of everyone, rather than use the bathroom. But then he heard Greta Scarwid behind him at the lockers, deep in conversation with her equally hot friend Samantha Jameson, and his mind was made up.
He pushed open the door and went inside.
The putrid smell hit his nose, and he regretted his decision immediately. Nothing had changed since he was last here - it was still a grungy and depressing hell-hole. Paper towels and toilet tissue littered the floor. The yellowed walls had been decorated with lazy graffiti. One of the stalls was missing a door. There was a suspicious brown smear on one of the washbasin mirrors.
Yep, he thought. Should have just pissed myself.
The row of urinals was busy, and although there was one space free, he knew there was no point in bothering. He’d been cursed with a shy bladder, which meant that no matter how desperate he felt, he was never able to reach full flow with anyone standing next to him. Or even in the general vicinity, for that matter.
If he didn’t relieve himself soon, though, he was going to burst, so he stepped up to the empty urinal and unzipped. Looking down, he noticed that he was standing in a puddle of urine. He shuddered, making a mental note to throw away his shoes when he got home.
He stared directly ahead at the grimy wall tiles as he waited for nature to take its course, all the while achingly aware that the boys either side of him were no doubt wondering why he wasn’t doing anything. His bladder was so swollen that he felt it pulsing through his skin, like the heavy breathing of a slumbering beast, and it freaked him out. Wasn’t there a chance he could do some permanent damage if he didn’t relieve himself soon? Had anyone ever died because their bladder had exploded?
The boys on either side of him vacated the urinals, and suddenly he had the row to himself. Quick! Now! Go! He tried desperately to relax in this moment of intense pressure. Closing his eyes, he felt a loosening of his bladder.
It was going to happen. Yes. Thank goodness.
A shadow fell over him. Another boy at the adjoining urinal.
He’d had the whole row to choose from. Why did he have to stand there? A tiny Stop sign sprang up somewhere along the quiet road that was Theo’s urinary tract, and his bladder tensed up again.
As if to annoy him further, the guy unzipped and sprayed without a care in the world. How was it possible that others were so free-flowing? They had absolutely no idea how lucky they were.
With a sigh, Theo zipped up. It was not going to happen. As he stepped away the soles of his shoes made a ripping noise on the sticky floor, and he winced.
There was only one thing for it: he would have to use a stall. The one with no door was out, so that left a choice of two, and they were both occupied. He waited, unable to stand still without dancing slightly. He tried adding a little rhythm to his movements, so that if anyone saw they might just think he was bopping along to a tune in his head.
At last one of the stall doors burst open, and a man exited. When he saw him, Theo’s eyes almost fell out of his head.
The guy was a giant. Over seven feet tall and half as wide. He’d had to turn sideways to fit through the doorway. Who was this guy? He wasn’t faculty or janitorial, and he certainly wasn’t a student. Theo would have seen him around, surely?
On his way to wash up, the giant turned to Theo, his fat head meeting his neck at its widest point, giving him the appearance of Jabba The Hut in human form. His mouth broke into an enormous, shit-eating grin, and he winked.
What the hell did that mean? Theo offered a tentative smile in return, then considered getting the hell out of there, but that, of course, was not an option. Gingerly, he went inside the stall, holding the door open with his elbow so that he wouldn’t have to touch it.
The godawful stench hit him like a slap to the face and he reeled, eyes watering. He thought about holding his breath for the duration of his visit, but there was a problem with that plan: it required him to inhale a deep lungful of air first, and already his throat burned as he breathed in the toxic odor.
Get the job done and get out. Let’s do this.
Turning to flip the lock, he saw a handwritten sign taped to the stall: Don’t Lock The Door. He pushed the door closed and it swung slowly open again. If he was ever going to vacate his bladder, Theo needed his privacy.
It’s probably just some idiot’s idea of a joke, he thought. Maybe it was the giant. Maybe he goes around public toilets with a bunch of these signs. It’s how he gets his kicks. Maybe that’s what he was grinning about.
To hell with the jolly Jabba. Theo locked the door.
Suddenly, being enclosed in the tiny stall brought back all the dreaded memories from two years earlier. He could almost feel Curtis Buckner’s fat hand on the back of his neck, forcing his head closer to the sticky rim of the toilet, dunking his head into the dirty bowl, and then flushing it.
Theo tasted the shit in his mouth just thinking about it, and winced. He remembered how his eyes had stung and his throat had burned as he’d coughed and choked on excrement.
Anyway. He shuddered. Let’s do this.
The toilet lid was closed, but Theo refused to touch it with his bare hands. He snaked his hand up inside the toilet roll dispenser and felt around. His fingers hit an empty roll, and he groaned. Trying not to think too much about it, he quickly pulled up the grimy lid with his thumb and forefinger, a ripple of disgust shooting through him. No finger food for me tonight.
He unzipped. Time, at last, to take care of business. Looking down, he saw something that caused him to leap back in terror.
He stared at it, mouth agape, not quite believing the visual messages his eyes were sending back to his brain. He almost vomited.
Curled around the lower half of the toilet bowl was the largest deposit of excrement Theo had ever seen. It was partly submerged in the water, but the half poking above the surface alone had to be over a foot long and thicker than his arm.
It lay there like a felled tree trunk on a forest floor of porcelain.
Theo gag
ged. He covered his mouth with his hand and then remembered where his fingers had just been. He pulled his hand away, letting out a little scream.
The giant’s evil grin flashed through his mind. That son of a bitch had left him a hideous present.
Theo glanced down, but couldn’t bring himself to look at the giant’s intestinal sculpture again. Oh, this is too much. Closing his eyes, he tried to imagine that he was someplace else. In his bathroom at home, perhaps. He relaxed his shoulders, hummed a happy tune, and at last, it happened. He was urinating.
Hallelujah.
He opened his eyes, looked down, and froze. A look of stupefied horror distended his features.
Ohmygod-ohmygod-ohmygod-ohmygod—
The giant turd had just moved.
***
His flow halted instantly, as if someone had bunged a cork in the end.
Good Christ. The turd had actually wriggled.
He had to be mistaken, surely? Maybe the strain of trying to relieve himself had affected his vision. Or maybe the smell in the stall was so pungent that it had gone straight to his brain, sparking a hallucination.
Theo stared at the thing, his heart in his mouth, almost too afraid to move. He was about to give up - he really didn’t want to have to keep looking at it - when it twitched. He jumped, gasping loudly.
He watched in mind-numbing, reality-bending horror as the colossal jobby squirmed like a giant brown slug, pulling itself impossibly upwards, toward the rim of the toilet bowl.
It was alive, and it was coming for him.
Theo zipped up fast and spun on his heels, looking for an escape. The lock was jammed.
He rattled the door. “No! Come on, come on…” Frantically, he tried the lock again. And again. The Don’t Lock The Door sign stared back at him. He cried out in frustration.
He turned around slowly, fear etched onto his face as Satan’s sewer serpent pulled itself above the rim of the toilet. It had two undigested corn grains on either side of the dominant end, giving it the appearance of eyes.
And its eyes were staring straight at him.
Theo glanced up and realized there was no way to climb out; the walls were too high and there was nothing to give him purchase. Even if he climbed onto the toilet tank he wouldn’t make it. Nor was there enough of a gap under the door for him to crawl out. Even a little kid couldn’t squeeze through.
“Shit.”
He tried the lock again. The door rattled noisily on its hinges.
A man called from the neighboring stall. “Are you okay in there?” Theo recognized the voice; it sounded like Mr Pulver, the Head of Sciences.
Theo tried to respond, but the breath was trapped in his throat. He swallowed. “It’s a monster! A monster!”
Mr Pulver whistled. “Can’t get the train out of the tunnel, huh? Yeah, I’ve been there. Not enough greens.”
The terrifying toilet torpedo raised its head and reared back, like a snake ready to pounce.
“You don’t understand,” Theo said. “It’s huge!”
“Hey, hey,” Mr Pulver said. “Just relax, okay? Keep calm and it’ll take care of itself.”
Theo watched with eyes as wide as saucers as an indent appeared in the lower portion of the muck maggot’s head, forming a mouth that turned up at the sides. Theo despaired - the thing was now grinning at him, in a way that was eerily reminiscent of the look the giant had given him a few minutes earlier.
The creature revealed a pair of pointy fangs, and Theo gasped.
“Seriously, dude,” he whimpered. “This thing’s got teeth!”
“Ouch. It’s a bad one, huh?”
“I think it’s gonna kill me. It’s gonna rip me apart!”
“Whoa, now. Just be patient. Think happy thoughts.”
The creature jutted forward. Theo flinched, his back against the door. He edged around to the side of the stall. Okay, so he couldn’t fit through the gap under the door, but this thing sure as hell could. Maybe it just wanted its freedom. So long as it wasn’t in here with him, that was cool. Slowly, carefully, Theo held his palm out to the side, signaling the way. His arm trembled.
The shit snake turned, looking at Theo’s outstretched hand, and then returned its attention to him. Its head lifted and twitched, as if sniffing him. The fangs protruded farther.
“Oh, hell…”
The creature launched at him, its mouth taking a bite of his clothing. Theo recoiled, retreating as far as possible into the corner of the stall. The beast had left an excrement stain on his jacket.
“Help! Oh God, it’s attacking me!”
Mr Pulver’s voice echoed through the wall. “Easy, easy. Just let nature take its course.”
Theo panicked, not knowing how best to defend himself against an entity that he refused to touch. It wasn’t as if he could just grab the thing and wrestle with it. Theo was the kind of guy who placed paper down when he had to use someone else’s toilet seat. He had spent a lifetime avoiding having to touch toilet door handles. He’d rather die than have to touch another person’s poo.
He glanced around the confines of the stall. There had to be something he could use. He could wrap it in toilet paper, perhaps. But of course, the dispenser was empty.
Turdzilla launched at him again, this time tearing away a chunk of Theo’s T-shirt. His favorite Green Day Dookie T-shirt.
“You piece of shit!”
The poop worm reared up, ready to pounce. Next time, Theo knew, it would be flesh. With nothing to lose, he reached over and grabbed the toilet tank. To his delight, the ceramic lid came away in his hands. He brandished it like a weapon and swung at the beast, scoring a clean hit and knocking it back into the toilet bowl.
It hit the water with a mighty splash.
There was no time to waste. Theo pounced, grabbing the toilet handle, and flushed. The poo monster was sucked down the pipe.
“Yes! Yes!”
“See?” Mr Pulver said from the next stall. “There you go. Told you it would be all right.”
As the water cleared, Theo watched in horror as the turd floated back. After a few seconds its head broke the surface of the water.
“No! No! It won’t flush!”
Mr Pulver chuckled. “Yeah, I know. The monster ones sometimes do that.”
Theo backed away as the creature slunk out of the water and shimmied up the side of the bowl, leaving a trail of runny excrement in its wake.
Theo bashed the door lock with the cistern lid. The door rattled on its hinges. He hit it again.
From the next stall along he heard flushing, and a creak as the door opened. “Help! Please! Sir! Help me!”
“Ugh,” Mr Pulver’s voice groaned. “Look, buddy, this is just something you have to get through on your own.”
“No, really,” Theo said. “I’m trapped in here. The door’s jammed.”
Silence for a moment. “Well, okay. Stand back.”
Theo edged away from the door, only too aware that the monster was behind him. The door juddered violently as Mr Pulver kicked it.
Theo glanced back just as the creature sprang from the toilet seat. He screamed, leaping away. The gruesome gherkin hit the door with amazing force, bouncing back onto the tiled floor with a splat. The impact jolted the lock, and the door sprang open.
Theo dived for the opening, daring a look back. The creature was out of sight now, behind the toilet. The Don’t Lock The Door sign had been left unreadable by a large brown stain.
“Thank you,” Theo gasped, bursting out of the stall. He keeled forward, sweating profusely.
“Wow,” Mr Pulver said. “It really took it out of you, huh?” He patted him on the back and exited the bathroom.
As Theo looked up, a teenaged boy was there, trying to get past him into the stall. Theo knew him vaguely - he may have shared a class with him once. He thought maybe his name was Eric.
“Dude,” Theo said, catching his breath, “I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.”
Eric dismissed him wi
th a shake of the head. “Whatever. I’ll hold my nose, okay?”
“No, you don’t understand. There’s a, a thing…”
Eric wasn’t listening. He barged past Theo and entered the stall.
“Wait —”
Before Eric could close the door, the brown beast leapt at him, wrapping itself around his neck. Eric screamed. He tumbled out of the stall, his cries for help reduced to gargled rasps as the monster strangled him.
There was a sudden commotion as everyone in the bathroom saw what was happening. Boys standing at the urinals hurriedly zipped up and ran for the exit. Those at the washbasins stopped what they were doing and bolted.
Eric battled with the creature, making terrible choking noises. He tried to grab hold of the thing as it tightened around his neck, but his hands merely dug into soft and sludgy shit. He flailed around, spinning and bucking as he wore his poop scarf.
At that moment a cleaner entered the bathroom, pushing his cart before him. He saw the commotion and immediately turned and left, leaving the cart behind.
Theo looked around for anything he could use to help poor Eric. He grabbed a mop from the cleaner’s cart and, using the handle end, edged it close to Eric’s neck.
Eric looked to him with pleading eyes that were now bulging out of their sockets. Theo levered the handle under the turd monster’s body and lifted. The creature loosened its grip. With one sharp tug, Theo ripped the creature away from Eric’s neck, leaving behind a terrible brown skid mark.
Eric didn’t wait around. He stumbled out of the bathroom, leaving Theo alone with the creature that had now curled itself around the mop handle. The beast unwrapped itself, reared up and looked at him, fangs bared.
“Holy shit.”
The creature crawled down the handle toward him, a hideous worm of human waste. In a few seconds, it would be on him. Theo pulled back the mop and jerked it forward in one swift movement, sending the monster hurtling into one of the washbasins with a thick and disgusting splat.
A chain flushed. Incredibly, there was still somebody in one of the stalls. A guy emerged, marching to the sink.