by Marie , J
I nodded; my heart heavy for this beautiful, scared creature. I felt the same way. My eyes fell back to Zeus, nostrils flaring with each breath. I wondered if he knew he was safe now?
I’d known Beau Montgomery since I was in school. He was shy, but had a kind heart and was always polite. I knew that Zeus would have the best life once he let Beau in. Once he learned to trust. I hoped for that myself. I wanted to feel safe again. To feel comfortable, but I wasn’t sure if I ever would. I trusted Beau; I’d known him most of my life but it’d come down to the fact that he was still a man.
I knew why Cassidy Mae was back in town. Not the precise reason, but I had a gut feeling that I wouldn’t be happy about it and I’d been right. She’d been hurt. Abused possibly. I’d seen it with my rescue horses time and time again. It gutted me to the core. My bright, cheery Cassidy was gone. In her place, this self-conscious, scared woman. Someone had broken my girl and I wanted to tear him to shreds.
Since the moment I saw her standing in my barn yesterday, I wanted her. It was like coming home all those years ago. Rea and Cass stood in the barn messing with the horses. The flashbacks were so familiar, yet so far away.
I wanted to chase her, to tell her everything I hadn’t when we were younger, but now wasn’t the right time. I hadn’t a clue why she was home, but the last thing I wanted to do was scare her off. I sat down on a hay bale and rubbed my hands down my face in frustration.
Cassidy Mae had always been a short-circuit to my brain and obviously nothing had changed. Her shoulder length black hair always reminded me of Selene, goddess of the moon. It was soft and shiny. Her emerald green eyes could cause a man to lose his breath and forget his words. And when she smiled it was like Hyperion looking down from the sky telling you better things were a comin’. It was a promise. My goddess had come home to me.
A rush of disgust hit me, I’d been thinking about her for years and here I was again, lusting over her. Lusting over her when it was clear that was the very last thing she needed.
The timing was shit, but the reality was this. She was home. She’d come home and I wasn’t letting her go again. Not this time. I wouldn’t rush her. Wouldn’t push her, but never again would I ever let her go. Someone had taken something from her. I could see it written plainly all over her face and I intended to work my way back into Cassidy Mae’s life far enough that she wouldn’t ever want to leave.
Every time she flinched it made me madder than a hornet. All I wanted to do was wrap her up in my arms and reassure her that no one would ever, ever hurt my sweet girl again. I wanted to keep her safe. Tell her she was mine and I would protect her. I’d waited years not knowing if I would ever have the chance to tell her how I felt and now she was here. Back in Moonshine Springs. Away from whatever she was running from at the moment and back in my life.
I wanted to swoop in and save her.
Take away her pain.
Make her feel like she was the most important person in my life. I wanted to convince her that it was always me, and from here on out it would only be me. She was mine and I was not letting her go. I’d never looked at another woman for anything other than meaningless sex. One thing I knew. I could wait just a little longer… She was going to be my forever, and I would be hers. I just had to get to her trust me first.
I felt renewed this morning waking up. I had a new purpose. Find out what had happened to my sweet girl and make her fall in love with me. I’d been up bright and early at the butt crack of dawn. My days were long and tiring, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I loved this ranch, these animals, my job. I’d hit the lottery.
Starting with feeding hay and grain, I’d then moved on to mucking stalls and turning out horses for the day. Rhett and Jameson had come down to help with the newer colt that had been dropped off for breaking.
Breaking.
A word I hated.
I’d never called it breaking a young horse to ride. To me, it was art. Horse and rider coming to terms with each other. Learning to communicate. Learning to trust. I’d seen many colts and fillies broken the hard way in my years on the farm and I promised myself I’d never use those tactics. They seemed inhumane. I wanted the horse to come to me willingly, to learn. To want to be taught. To want to be a part of this team we were creating.
I’d always used a monkey-see, monkey-do method with my old paint horse, Tucker. I wanted this colt to see how I treated Tucker and how he reacted to me. To show him that my horse didn’t fear what I asked of him. It’s a surefire way to make sure a young’un wants to follow in those footsteps. Once you’ve gotten that horses respect and trust only then can you move on to halter training.
This afternoon had been a success. The colt, Acer, as the owner had called him, had picked it up fairly quickly. Standing quietly, observing what I did with Tucker. Pretty soon, he’d been following us around the corral. I’d given him time to come to terms with what was going on. I didn’t force or rush him. I’d let Tucker show him that a horse-human team wasn’t a scary thing.
He took to the halter fairly quickly. Most colts were stubborn, never taking the halter for the first time. I had patience and I had waited. I spent time over the last several hours running my hand over him, brushing his face, and allowing him to sniff the halter. Adding in a sugar cube or two the whole time, letting him know what he was doing was good. Reassuring him. We had stopped on a good note. Another thing I’d found out over the years on the farm. Always stopping on a positive note and waiting until the horse is calm, quiet, and relaxed.
It’d been two weeks since I’d shown up in this sleepy little town way south of the Mason-Dixon line. I was slowly becoming less jumpy and on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop. The fact that I hadn’t heard anything from back home solidified that he was truly gone. I knew no one could ever come back from what I’d seen.
Every day was the same for the most part. Rea would come over and pick me up and we’d head to the stables. We’d spend the day taking the horses for turnouts in the morning, hang out watching them in the fields, and help feed them. I couldn’t ride or muck out stalls because I knew my cracked ribs were still healing. I’d made every excuse in the book every time Reagan asked if I wanted to. Changing the subject, walking away, shoving it off with a laugh.
I was getting more comfortable in my routine and we’d fallen right back into being the friends we had been before I’d left. She hadn’t asked what happened to me and I hadn’t so much as offered it either. She was included in all of this mess now and I didn’t want to keep it from her.
Each afternoon I spent a little time with Zeus. I was drawn to him. Wanted to help him, but I had no idea how. I’d decided that day by day I would spend an hour sitting just outside his stall. For some odd reason I wanted him to trust me and I figured the longer I sat there, the more he’d realize that I wasn’t out to hurt him. After a week and a half, he finally came out from the corner in the back of his stall. He wasn’t hanging his head out and asking to be loved on, but I figured it was progress. I didn’t know if it was me or the fact that Beau had been working with him, but I told myself I was part of the reason for it.
I’d been standing talking softly to Zeus when a noise behind me made me jump. I turned around to see Reagan looking at me with that look. The one that said today was the day I was going to spill my secrets. She wasn’t going to let it go this time, I could tell. This was my come to Jesus talk.
“Look, Cass, I’ve given you weeks to come out and tell me what’s going on, but it’s clear that isn’t going to happen. So now, I’m asking. What the hell happened to you? You’re jumpy. You won’t let anyone get close. I’m so worried about you and I can’t just keep ignoring the obvious problem.”
She reached out to touch my arm and I flinched… “I’m sorry, Rea. I’m dealing with my own crap. I didn’t want to drag you into it.”
“Well, that’s shit and you know it, Cassidy Mae. We’re best friends. Yes, it’s been years since we’ve hung out, but that doesn�
�t change the fact that we were like sisters growing up and I’ll always be worried for you.”
“I… I.. I’m so ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I didn’t leave. That I.. I couldn’t make myself leave him even when he treated me like garbage. Eventually, I finally left but not before his anger came out full force. The night I asked him for a divorce he told me he was having an affair with some Italian mob boss’s wife.” I explained the story from the beginning.
The tips of her full lips turned down at the corners. “Oh, Cass… You need to go to the cops. Report him. Report what he did to you.”
“I can’t, Rea. No reason to now.” A shiver tore through me and I shook my head. I couldn’t do it. If they started looking into it then they’d know he was dead and I’d be the first one they came looking for. Fear crept in at the mere mention of him. I’d never been so afraid of someone in my life. He’d only laid a hand to me the one time, but his threats scared me. I knew that he was a man who kept to his word. I knew who his associates were, what his brother Devin did for a living.
“Ok, I’ll stand beside whatever decision you make then. I may not agree with it, but I trust you.”
That small bit of a win felt huge. The fact that my best friend knew the partial truth was weight lifted from my chest. I’d finally broken my silence and told someone.
“Did he… did he beat you, Cass?” Tears welled up in my eyes again and I shuddered just remembering the only time he’d left welts on my body.
“Why do you think I’ve been making excuses to ride and help mucking out stalls? Cracked ribs take six weeks to heal at least.”
“Cracked ribs? Oh… my… god, Cass.” It came out as a whisper, like she couldn’t hardly believe it. The one thing that gave me comfort after I told Reagan my secrets was that she didn’t look at me any differently. Her face was laced with concern and not judgment.
I couldn’t say anything else. It was all out on the table so to speak. The only thing I hadn’t shared was that I hoped his death had been slow and painful, I had no doubt they’d killed him. I don’t think I could ever share that secret.
“Cass?”
“Yeah?”
“Does he know you’re here in Moonshine Springs? Will he come for you?”
“No, he’s dead. He won’t ever come for me again.”
“Good. That’s good,” she paused and removed all emotions from her face. “Do you think… maybe you…to hell with it. I’d feel more comfortable with you staying here at the farm Cass. With me and Beau.”
“No,” my voice sounded small. I wouldn’t hide, scared. I needed to move on with my life.
“Beau can protect you. We can protect you here. If anyone comes for you—the mob, the cops, your husband.”
“I can’t ask you to do that, Rea. I won’t bring trouble to your door. He’s gone and I don’t know if the people that killed him are looking for me. I refuse to put you in that situation. I know what they’re capable of now… I can’t… I won’t… no, Reagan. What I could use is a job, though. I need to do this on my own. Stand on my own two feet and I can’t keep staying with my parents.”
“So, what’s the problem? You can stay here, which gets you out of your parent’s house, and keeps you safe. We’ve been needing a new groom too and we just haven’t found any decent applicants.”
“You’re just saying that…”
“No, I swear I’m not. We had a girl in here just last week who had no idea what a mane was… A MANE! How in the hell do you not know what a mane is…? I asked her to Google it even. A mane…” She shook her head and a small laugh erupted from my lips.
“You’re pulling my leg right now…”
“I wish I could say I was… I mean, a mane… seriously??”
“Ok, I get it. I do.”
“What’s next, a hoof? Man… now I wish I would have asked her. That would have been hilarious. I just can’t… some people are literally dumber than a doornail. A mane… she wanted to be a groom and didn’t even know what the hair on a horse’s neck is called…”. Reagan continued shaking her head and I laughed. I was so glad that our conversation had gotten lighter.
“Fine, you’ve twisted my arm just enough that I’ll be your groom, but I won’t move in. I just… can’t.”
“I will take what I can get… you’re hired!”
She didn’t ask any more questions and I was glad for that.
“Cassidy Mae, do you need to go to the doctor and get checked out while you’re here? I can take you myself and I’d feel more comfortable if you did.”
I thought about it for a minute. I knew I needed to see a doctor but I didn’t want them to tell me what I already knew. That yes, I was healing physically, but there was no telling when I’d feel whole again. Or if I could even after what I’d been through. If he came for me, I had the pictures I’d taken of the bruises.
“No,” the lie that I didn’t need to go see a doctor fell from my mouth too fast. I didn’t want to do that.
“Maybe… you should talk to someone about what happened? It might help.”
“No.” I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to move on.
“Ok, I won’t pry further, but I’m here if you ever want to talk.”
“I appreciate that, Rea. I really do.”
Later that day I sat my parents down in the living room. It was time to come clean and tell them why I was here. I couldn’t keep lying by omission. I needed to confide in them. I didn’t want to tell them that I’d seen him get killed because I hadn’t, but I had to tell them something. If the police showed up on our door one day I didn’t want them to be blindsided.
Daddy looked up at me first, “So, you’re finally ready to tell us what’s going on with you?”
“Yeah, I guess I am.” My voice was small and unsure.
“Are you okay, Cassidy Mae?” This time the voice came from my mama.
“I will be,” I told her.
Her face was etched in concern, “Oh, hunny…”
A tear slid down my face and I could feel every emotion coming back to me. I was home. I was safe, for now, and I couldn’t hold them in any longer.
“Before… you asked if this was because of Andrew, I’m sure by now you know it is.”
“Did that boy beat you, baby girl?” Daddy’s voice wavered, barely holding control. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I couldn’t not tell him the truth at this point. I opened my mouth to reply but no words came out so I just nodded. After a few minutes, “Just the once,” finally slipped from my lips.
“I’m gonna kill that sorry son of a bitch and make him wish he never laid a hand on my daughter. Now, where’s my shotgun.” He got up as if he was going in search of his shotgun and I reached out to hold him back.
“He’s not worth it, Papa. I’m here. I’m safe. I won’t be dealing with him again. He’s gone.”
“He’s gone?”
A whispered “They killed him,” escapes my lips but not loud enough for anyone to hear.
“Is that bastard…dead?” I couldn’t meet his eyes with the shame of it, so I nodded. “Does anyone else know?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“What happened? Are the police going to come looking for you here? What can we do for you? What do you need from us?” This time it was mama who spoke.
“You can’t do anything, mama. I just need some time. Really, I’ll be okay and no, no one will come for me. I doubt his coworkers will even report him missing with the way he treated them and odds are he’s already been taken care of so no one will know he’s missing. That’s what you get for being a lying, cheating, power hungry jerk.”
Stepping out into the brisk morning, I felt more determined. I’d come clean to my parents and Rea yesterday. As much as I’d hated to do it, I felt lighter now that I had. Today was the first day of my new job. A step in the right direction. A hint at a new future. One without abuse and hateful words.
Being at the stables seemed to calm the chaos wracking my brain. All thoughts
put aside at the first whiff of hay or the soft whinny of horses as I walked down the long corridor of the barn.
I inhaled deeply as I greeted horses along the way. When I came to Elle’s stall, I stopped. I’d been brushing Elle once a day since I’d started working here and we’d become friends. As she stuck her head out of her stall, she nuzzled my pockets neighing softly, awaiting whatever sweet treat I’d brought for her today.
“You’ve got my number, don’t you, sweet girl?” I said running my hand up the blaze that covered the majority of her bay face.
She always gave me two eyes, curious yet knowing. Like somewhere deep down she knew that I’d been through something. Some days I swore she was reading the words on my soul. It was a comfort. She calmed me like a balm on the wounds of my heart. I showered her nose with smooches. Then gave her a sugar cube or three and then moved on to Tucker and Apache, Beau’s favorite.
I could see why he was the favorite. Apache had a kind, gentle nature though he was a big, brute of a quarter horse. His body was a smoky blue gray color while his face, legs, and mane were all jet black. All shimmer and glitz in the sun. A long dorsal line of black like the darkest eyeliner, striped down the center of his back, along his spine. Something that was very common among duns, as his markings were called. Probably the most handsome horse I’d ever laid eyes on next to Zeus.
It felt like home here in this barn, surrounded by these animals. I could just be me. I didn’t need to pretend to be anyone else. I didn’t need to hide myself behind the façade that I was fine. These animals weighed thousands of pounds and could kill me easily but I wasn’t afraid of them. Not like I’d been afraid of Andrew. They wouldn’t strike me for standing up for myself and asking for a divorce. They loved unconditionally and that made me feel safe.