by Marie , J
“Who’s hungry,” I said as I brought hot pads and food to the table. The conversations around me were familiar. Rhett and Jameson razzing each other. Faith and Remy ignoring each other. Cassidy Mae eating quietly and then Reagan Harper looking at me with a goofy grin. My sister was too damn good at reading me. I was taking care of my girl and if bringing everyone in made her feel not so on the spot, then so be it.
As we dug into our meal, the noise around the table disappeared and was replaced by happy chewing.
“Thanks for making us breakfast, Beau.” Cassidy Mae leaned over and whispered to me. A whiff of peonies and sugar hits my nose and I want to bottle that smell forever. It was one I’d never ever get enough of.
“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” I whispered back with a wink. She shook her head and I was graced with the prettiest little smile I’d ever seen. I was getting to her. Slowly crashing down all these boundaries. Taking out the Fort Knox she’s erected around that heart of hers. I just had to wait a little longer. We finished breakfast and everyone helped with cleaning up before we were off to work around the stables.
Faith headed out to get Koko ready for her lesson as I followed Remington into the barn. Our goal for the morning was to fix up one of the fences that needed mending. I saddled up the big, white gelding, Titan, as Remington grabbed Remy, a dark brown gelding. I’d always laughed about the fact that he owned a horse named the same as him. It hadn’t been intentional. Remy came with that name when he got to the barn and he’d taken a mighty fine liking to Remington. I’d never seen a better partnership between horse and rider than these two.
Most of the horses at the stables had come to us and been rehabbed. Some horses stayed after we brought them back and re-trained them. Others were re-homed to other farms in the area.
We started to make our way out to the field that needed mending when I decided I was done with the silence.
“What’d you do to Faith now?”
He laughed, but it wasn’t a full laugh. It lacked emotion. “I didn’t do a damn thing. That’s the problem.”
“You wanna talk about it, man?”
He shrugged. “Beau Montgomery, you know I never been into girl talk and today ain’t the day I start.”
I looked over nonchalantly. “Alrighty, change your mind, I’m around.”
“Sure.” It was clear he was obviously fighting his own love battle. The thing they don’t tell you growing up is that love is war. It takes the precise amount of planning and dedication to win the heart. I was in the middle of my own war these days. I’m sure I’d never guess what thoughts were in Remington’s head, but I knew for sure they weren’t good. I wasn’t going to push it.
We reached the spot in the fence before long and all talking ceased and work began. We unloaded the saddlebags full of our tools and got to it while the horses stood munching on some grass a little way away.
“So, you and Cassidy Mae? You gonna try and make that a thing? I know you’ve been in love with that girl as long as I can remember.”
“That’s the plan, Rem. I knew I loved her since the first day I laid eyes on her, but having her this close and not being able to touch her is killing me. She’s scared. She’s been through her fair share of hell and I don’t want to rush her but damnit, I want to rush the hell out of her.”
“She just needs time. Don’t mess things up like I did with Faith. That’s the best advice I can give you. Show her that you want her but let her be free to make the choice. From what I’ve heard she’s been locked down with a controlling freak for the last couple years and if you act like him, she’ll run faster than you can blink.”
“I just hate that she’s so scared someone is coming for her. I want to ask her the damn truth, but I’m afraid of what she’ll say. I just know that if someone comes looking for her, we’ll be ready.”
“She’ll have an army around her. Everyone’s done gone and fallen head over heels in love with your girl. Ain’t no-one will let a soul lay a hand on her. She’s safe here, Beau. If someone wants her, they’re gonna have to come through all of us first.”
“Do you think it’s wrong that I talked her into running them barrels at the fair? I just worry that wasn’t the best decision on my part.”
“Look, Beau, I think she needs to do this for herself. She needs to feel confident again because she’s certainly lost it. We’ll all be at the fair so if heaven forbid, something happened. We’d all be there to help.” I nodded in agreement, but the truth was I still had a gut feeling that going to the fair was full of bad ideas.
But then I thought about how big a smile she gets when she’s racing them barrel patterns in that old dusty arena. I remember the fifteen-year-old girl who lived and breathed horses every summer. I couldn’t take that away from her. Not now. Not ever. Not when she was finally smiling. I’d seen too many days without her smile and I wasn’t allowin’ any more of that.
I’d spent the rest of the day working with Zeus, mowing the fields, cleaning up around the barn, and getting rides in on Apache and Tucker. I hadn’t seen much of Cassidy Mae. Normally, I saw her throughout the day and the fact that I hadn’t was unusual. I didn’t want to think too much about it. It was possible that she wasn’t feeling well. We all had those days.
I’d gotten all my chores done around the farm earlier in the morning. I’d brushed down everyone that wasn’t being ridden or worked already and now they were out in the pastures eating to their heart’s content. I didn’t feel well and I knew why. Every 28 days. Mother Nature would tell me that I would yet again not be a mother. The one thing I’d wanted so bad when I was married to Andrew. I thought having a child would mend us. It would be a part of both of us. Clearly, I was wrong.
Thinking about that night from ten months ago wrecked me. I drowned in thoughts and feelings.
Loss.
Separation.
Fear.
Sadness.
I’d made Andrew’s favorite meal, Filet Mignon over cheddar ranch grits. One of the few things I’d remembered from home that he actually liked. He’d come home late from work, so dinner was cold, but I’d warmed it up for him. It was my fault that I’d not had it ready right when he came home and warm. How was I supposed to know he was going to be late? He hadn’t called me.
Instead, I’d spent the evening making his favorite meal. Setting up the table with my favorite candle set and planned it out down to the tee how I was going to tell him my news.
I’d taken an early pregnancy test earlier that morning and it’d come back with two little pink strips. My heart soared. It was bursting full of joy for this precious little soul that I had literally just found out about. I thought telling him would make him happy and erase the crappy day he’d had.
The only thing it did was make him angrier. His eyes flared with hate and anger. He yelled and screamed at me—that I’d done this on purpose and not followed his plan… And that I was trying to trap him and take away his freedom of choice. I was too stupid to use birth control. He’d thought he could fix me but clearly, I’d never be more than the dumb trash I’d come from.
Several days later it happened. I noticed the signs—the severe cramps, clots, and heavy bleeding. I blamed the stress and I blamed myself for not being strong enough to carry a human.
Maybe he was right, maybe I was a failure.
I was alone.
Completely alone.
I had no one to share my pain or make me feel better. I loaded up on pain meds, tissues, hot water bottles, and sanitary pads. There was no one to comfort me and tell me that it wasn’t my fault I’d lost the part of me that I wanted the most. The pain was unbearable and most nights I cried myself to sleep over what would never be. My hormones were raging and I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. Beating myself up because maybe fate knew I wasn’t good enough to be a mother and that’s why she’d taken my baby away from me.
I’d read every article I could find on the internet. My brain was a mess of activity and thoughts. I di
dn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I was hurting. I wanted to just lie down in the bed Andrew and I had bought and die. I didn’t want to live anymore. What was the point?
I shut myself off from the world and from Andrew, which only enraged him more. At that point, I didn’t care. He could tell me I was the scum of the earth until his final breath and nothing would take away the pain and sadness that filled my soul. I was broken and I didn’t think that could be changed.
These days, I could deal with the thoughts that battered my brain. Most days I could occupy myself with other things, but today was a painful reminder of my past. The one reminder that I’d never be able to run from.
My secret.
One that no one else knew. Tears streamed down my face as the memories flooded my soul, waves of sadness crashing through. I wanted to cry for the loss of my child. The loss of my marriage. The loss of myself in all of it. And crying is exactly what I did.
The knock at my door was so soft that I almost didn’t hear it. The last thing I wanted was someone to see me like this, especially Beau. So, I did the only thing I could think of, “Go away.”
“Cass?” Reagan’s voice came from the other side of the door etched with concern. She was the one person I knew wouldn’t let me wallow in myself. I never responded.
“Cassidy Mae?”
I still didn’t respond. The fact that she cared ate at me. I pretended to be asleep when I heard the handle on the door squeak as it turned slowly. She crept over to the bed and I felt it dip when she sat down. A warm hand landed softly on my back and I broke. The tears came again, flooding my face. My body wracked with shivers of guilt and desperation. I was trying to cling to something, anything, but it was especially hard.
“Oh, Cass, hunny. What’s wrong? What can I do?”
“Nothing Reagan. You can’t do anything.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell my best friend my woes. She’d heard enough lately and I didn’t want to burden her anymore. The tears came harder and there was no shut off valve.
“It’s okay, sweetie. Shhhh…. It’s okay. Let it out, Cass. I’m here.” She didn’t say anything else for the next hour. She just sat with me rubbing my back.
I craved comfort. The soft touches of my best friend as she comforted me without knowing why. Another human to share in the sorrow that they weren’t privy too. At some point, I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, she was gone and the sun was peeking through the crease in the curtains. A small part of me was happy that she left. She didn’t need my shit to deal with right now.
Thoughts of everything I’d lost were taking over every good emotion I’d felt since coming to the farm. Fear of what would happen if the people that killed my husband found me. Or if they were even looking for me. I still didn’t know. The only thing I could think of at this point was Beau. I couldn’t let him get involved with me. I was broken. A shell of the person I used to be.
Getting the job here has been one of the best decisions I have ever made and deep down I truly believed that keeping Beau at arm’s length was the second-best decision I could ever make. He deserved someone that was whole. Someone who could give him more than just the broken bits and pieces of her shattered heart. Then and there I decided that Beau and I would never be more than just friends and I was sticking to it. I needed to keep him safe, even if that meant keeping him away from me.
Our conversation the other day at the springs told me his feelings were already more than they should be. I couldn’t lead him on anymore. I wouldn’t do that to him. Beau Montgomery was a good man. He’d been good to me. Now it was my turn to do something good for him. If I was honest with myself, I wanted him more than I should. Life with Beau seemed almost too perfect. He’s too kind. His soul is too good to be dragged into the depths of hell with mine. I needed to stop leading him on. I remained in my room for the rest of the night. And for the next few days, I avoided Beau at all costs. What I was doing would probably break his heart, but better now than getting even closer.
I hated not seeing him. My heart was sad over it, but my head knew it was the right choice. This week with Oakley I was working on long trotting. Encouraging her to stretch her muscles, tendons, and ligaments. For the first few days this week, we trotted in straight lines and gentle curves getting her used to bending around my leg again.
Typically, you would take several weeks to work long trotting up to the point where you could move on, but that’s for a horse that’s not been ridden. Oakley had been ridden every day since she last raced according to Reagan.
I’d just brought Oakley back to the barn when I ran into Reagan.
“Hey, girl. Gotta do a grocery run. You wanna ride along?”
I took Oakley’s halter off and stepped out of her stall. “Not really, Rea.”
She walked over and bumped my shoulder. “Come on, Cassidy Mae. You’ve been moping around for the last couple of days. You need to get out of the house and do something other than sit in your room and feel bad for yourself. Or at least tell me what the hell is going on with you. I’m worried.”
“Okay…” I whispered. I wasn’t about to confess my problems and if it was between that and going to town, I’d choose town.
The drive to the grocery store was done in silence. I didn’t want to talk and clearly Reagan wasn’t going to make me. It was the first time I’d been to town since I came home and I was a mix of anxious and excited to see what had become of it. As we drove past little shops and people along the street, I took in the small town I’d grown up in.
Storefronts looked the same only a little more worn—paint was chipping at the corners of the windows in some shops. Other shops had new front signs, name changes, or were completely different altogether.
The weird spaceship that moved around the town every year was now sitting right off the main street in the park entrance. We all knew it didn’t move by itself but that’s what we’d told the kiddos every year. It was big town gossip that aliens had once landed in town and we’d stolen their spaceship. And every year they came back to move it on us in the middle of the night to remember they were here first. The kids loved the story even though it was clearly a lie. A small smile crossed my lips at the memories.
The Fourth of July, was coming up soon and everywhere you looked seemed like patriotism had vomited red, white, and blue all over the place. An American flag flew proudly outside every shop along the way. Ribbons hung with glee on every light pole and stop sign. People waved at us as we drove past. I saw a lot of the same faces I knew growing up and I cringed that they were now seeing that I’d come home. Everyone would’ve known sooner or later. You can’t keep things quiet too long in a small town where everyone talks. I wondered what the story had been. Why I’d come home after being away for so long. What rumor was it this week?
Once we got to the grocery store, I jumped out of the truck. Grabbing a buggy, we started making our way to the produce section.
Taking stock of where everything was, I turned to Reagan. “What do you need, Reagan? What’s on the list?”
“Grab whatever you want. We need some leafy greens—lettuce, broccoli, you get the idea. Guys always want meat and potatoes, so we’ll grab those too.” I grabbed some lettuce, cauliflower, and carrots before heading towards the meat counter. I was on a mission and nothing would distract me from it.
“Cassidy Mae.” Reagan faintly said my name, but I didn’t hear her the first time. She finally caught up to me and stepped in front of the buggy, halting it from further progress. “Hey, you wanna tell me what’s going on with you? Did something happen between you and Beau?”
I huffed out a breath. “No, I mean… yes… I don’t know. I’m so confused.”
“He didn’t try anything, right? You can tell me if he did. I’ll kick the living tarnation out of him myself.”
“No… nothing like that. Beau’s been… amazing… since I got here. It’s just that I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now, Rea. Stuff I can’t… can’t… talk about yet.” I s
aid, shaking my head as a tear slid down my cheek.
“Hey, shhh. I’m here. Don’t cry, Cass.”
I nodded and wiped away the tears that had escaped. “What else do we need?”
“Hmm…” She says looking over her list. “Let’s go to the deli, need some sandwich fixins’.”
Looking around, I noticed many familiar faces all too happy to offer me a kind smile or a friendly wave. Something that never happened when you lived in a big city. It was nice being home. Where you drove down the road and people waved. Didn’t matter who you were or where you were from. They were just nice, downhome folks. Content to run their little piece of land and live off of it. Good God fearin’ Americans.
We got all the deli meats and cheese needed for sandwiches for the week and moved onto the meat section. Reagan grabbed steaks, roast, and chicken. She was muttering to herself quietly as we went making sure everything on her list was picked up, sticky fingers grabbing additional odds and ends along the way to the checkout. We unloaded everything onto the register as I walked down to the end to wait.
Sadie Lou was bagging up our groceries and I couldn’t believe how grown up she’d gotten since the last time I saw her. She was no longer the clumsy, chunky girl from before. No, she was turning into a beautiful young lady. Seeing her made me think about everything else that I had missed in the years since I’d isolated myself from the world and my family. Guilt flamed my face and I had to turn away.
“Hey Sadie Lou, how have you been?”
“Hello, Mrs. Peterson, how are you?!”
“It’d be better if you didn’t call me Mrs. Peterson. Just Cassidy is fine with me.”
“Sorry, Cassidy. Mama always taught me to be respectful of people older than me.” I smiled and shook my head.
She chuckled at my response, “I’m not that much older than you, Sadie Lou. I didn’t know you were working here now.”
Bagging up the groceries, she looked over at me. “Yeah, I work here on and off in the summers and some evenings. I’m in high school these days.”