“If you follow the hi-way, it should lead you straight there. But they’ll be looking for you, so I don’t want you out on the road in plain sight, understand? We’ll try to throw them off, send them a different way if we can. That damn Solomon, though, can’t nobody tell him nothing. Maybe I should tell him to look exactly where you’re going, that way he’ll be sure not to do it. Ha!” I barely registered the shock of hearing her cuss on top of insulting Papa, who was the man of the house and the spiritual leader of this family. My mind was already spinning. Was my mother alive all this time? A few days’ ride, maybe a week’s walk from me, in Eufaula, at this Lake Point place? If that were true, why hadn’t she ever come back for me? I didn’t want to believe that she would do that, abandon me like that, but at the same time, I wanted more than anything to believe that she was there. I didn’t have the strength to do what I was about to do without telling myself that it was her I ran to.
Amber still talked and paced. “Might be four days’ walk, maybe five. I know you can forage, but you’ll need food and drinking water. And do you even own a pair of shoes? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear them.”
“What?” I asked, dazed. “What do I need shoes for? I can walk all day just fine without them, and it’s not like it’s cold outside.”
“Well, this is walking for days, Ami, and then who knows after that. And you won’t just be in your regular stomping grounds. This is uncharted territory you’re heading into. Here, try these on.” She dug around in the back of a closet and pulled out a pair of bright blue-and-green shoes that laced up across the top of the foot. They looked foreign to me.
“Lord, girl, you’re lookin’ at them shoes like they was made of snakes! They’re just runnin’ shoes. My mama said that everybody used to wear them. Fast and light and already broken in for you. I used to be like lightnin’ in these old shoes of hers. Not that it did me much good…” She trailed off and I had the feeling again that she was talking to herself more than to me, but she still held the shoes out, so I took them. She dug around in a drawer and then handed me a pair of small white socks. She watched me expectantly and then motioned impatiently toward the couch.
“Go on! Try them on.” I wore socks and boots sometimes in the winter, but even then they sometimes felt like an unnecessary and bothersome addition to my own trusty feet. But these were different than anything I’d ever worn, and there was something exciting about putting them on. I could almost imagine I was someone else, another girl from another time and place. I stood up and took a few experimental steps. They felt springy and cushiony under my feet. I could get used to them, I thought.
“Okay, this is way too much stuff,” she said, and we both looked at the pile of things that covered half of the couch. We looked at each other and started laughing, and then we couldn’t stop. We laughed until we were bent double, imagining me in the woods with a pack twice my size strapped to my back. I laughed until tears streamed from my eyes, and at the feeling of those tears, I started to cry again.
“I feel like I’m going crazy,” I said. Amber stopped laughing then, and she looked at me with a mixture of pity and something that might have been envy.
“Ami girl, you’re goin’ somewhere, but crazy ain’t it. You are gettin’ out of this place! You might find out crazy is where you been all along.” I was about to ask her what she meant by that, but there was a knock at the door.
“It’s me.” I recognized David’s voice. Amber opened the door for her brother, and he stepped inside. He looked big and out of place inside the tiny trailer, but he didn’t seem to notice. He looked at me, then at the pile on the couch, then raised his eyebrows and turned to Amber.
“I know, I know!” she said. “I already know. I’ll get it down to a reasonable-sized pack before tonight. How does it look at the house?”
“I told them I’d send Ami back over there. The girls are fussing and cooing over him, and I think Solomon’s too busy playing king of the castle to think anything, but Ruth is getting antsy.”
Back to the house, I thought. Zeke Johnson and Papa and Ruth were still there, probably talking about me and what a fine wife I would make. I’d managed to block all that out for these few minutes, and now it came down on me like a load of rocks on my head. How could I go anywhere? What was I thinking? I was a wicked, selfish girl to even think of running! This might be my only chance to fulfill the role that God had planned for me. But even as the thought entered my mind, my heart pushed it away. There had to be another way. This couldn’t be my only choice, could it? For just a second, I tried to imagine Zeke Johnson’s arms holding me, his face coming close to kiss me. I felt like I was going to be sick.
“Ami, are you hearing me? Are you okay? You look a little green. Here, sit down.” I saw a worried look pass between the two of them as Amber went to pour me a glass of water from the pitcher she kept on the counter. I sat, and David knelt in front of me.
“I know this is a shock to you, Ami. And I know that Amber and me, we’re outsiders in this family. But the two of us, and Billie and Rachel and Jacob, too, we’ve always thought of you like our own little girl. The only daughter any of us would ever be able to have. We’ve tried not to lay that on you too heavy because we figured you had enough on your shoulders without having to carry all of us, too, but I want you to know it now. And we’ve all talked about it so many times, that we didn’t think it was right what they did. We wondered if we should tell you, but it never seemed like the right time. And then when we heard Solomon and Ruth talking about this Johnson fella, we knew we’d waited too late. But we all agreed that we wouldn’t let them do it to you. We couldn’t, not like this.”
I didn’t understand what he meant, but just then Amber shot him a look and started hustling me out the door.
“Okay, Ami, this is real important and it won’t be easy, but you have got to go in there and act normal. Whatever that means when your own people are trying to breed you like you’re a Jersey cow. Just … just go in there and act like you have been. I don’t imagine you were the life of the party in there, were you?” I shook my head and looked at the floor.
“You were doing just fine,” said David. “A proper girl shouldn’t know how to act anything but shy in a situation like this! Just keep right on like you were, acting bashful, speaking when spoken to or asked a question. Then as soon as you’re able, ask to be excused. Go to your room just like you was going to bed. Gather up what you can’t stand to leave behind, but you can’t take much.”
I nodded my head. “Just some clothes, I guess. My knife. And my crank flashlight.” And my little mirror, I thought but didn’t say. And the one picture I had of my mother. But Amber was shaking her head.
“No clothes. You just leave them god-awful gunny sacks right in the drawer. I’ve got what you’ll need. You go on, now. Back up to the house before they come looking for you. Lord knows the last thing we need is for them to come pokin’ around in here!” And before I could argue, she had hustled me out the door and shut it behind me. It felt strange to be alone so suddenly after the confusion of things and talk inside that tiny trailer. The sun was just starting to set, and I looked up at the ribbons of pink clouds that seemed to glow all across the sky. It helped me calm down, looking up like that. Lord help me, I said inside my head. I didn’t know if it was a prayer or just habit that made me say it.
Four
I can’t really tell you how I got through the rest of that night before I excused myself and pretended to go to bed. It’s all just a blur of feeling scared and ashamed. I was scared of being stopped and ashamed of wanting to go. I was afraid of going and ashamed of my own fear. I didn’t know what to think or what to say, so I just followed David’s advice and put on the bashful act. It wasn’t much of an act, really. Who wouldn’t feel bashful in the face of a stranger your family has brought in to see if he can make you pregnant as soon as possible? I kept my eyes on the floor and mumbled answers when I had to. I avoided the warning looks from Papa and the
worried ones from Ruth. I let my aunts and uncles steer the conversation away from me again and again and wondered how Papa couldn’t see what they were doing. And finally, thankfully, there was a general movement toward bed, and I escaped to my safe little room.
As soon as I was inside, I leaned back against the door and looked around. This room had been mine since I was born, and now I had to choose just a handful of things to take with me. What if I never slept in my bed again? What if everything I had to leave behind was left forever? No, I told myself. No. I wasn’t leaving forever. I was going to find my mother, and she would help me. She would know what to do. I had to believe that. Maybe she would even come back with me. I could tell her that the C-PAF men had never come looking for her, that it was safe to come home now. Didn’t she miss her family? Didn’t she miss me?
So I told myself I would be back, and I looked around for what I could not leave behind. I saw the rows of pretty stones lined up across the windowsills, my treasures found on walks in the woods. I saw my shelf of Little House on the Prairie books—the only books I had ever been allowed to read besides the Bible and a raggedy old set of encyclopedias. I grabbed my favorite, On the Banks of Plum Creek, and laid it on my bed. It was a comfort to think of Laura and the rest of the Ingallses, that traveling family, traveling with me. They would keep me company.
Before I could think of what else I needed, there was a soft knock on the door. I panicked, thinking it was one of my aunts come to get me so soon. I wasn’t ready! But then I heard Ruth’s voice, real quiet and low, saying my name as she turned the knob and came in. She closed the door behind her, then just stood and looked at me for a minute. I felt her eyes searching my face, and I had to look away for fear that she would find my plans there, plain as day.
“Ami,” she said. “Look at me, child.” It was so hard to drag my eyes up to meet hers. Here was Ruth, my own grandma who had done nothing but love me and take care of me all my life. She’d been the only mother I’d ever known. She taught me to read and write, to say my prayers and sew, to make bread that would rise every time. How could I look her in the eye, knowing that I was about to take everything she’d ever given me and throw it back in her face? If I couldn’t say goodbye, if I couldn’t tell her where I was going and why or promise that I would come back and make it all right again, the least I could do was look at her when she asked me to. I made myself do it.
She gave me a sad little smile before she spoke. “Well, I guess you know what this is about.” It wasn’t a question, but I gave a little nod anyway. “I know you must be scared. But he seems like a nice man, don’t you think?” I was surprised to hear a little tremor in her voice. I couldn’t answer this time, even with a nod or shake of my head. I didn’t know if he seemed like a nice man or not, but I knew I wasn’t sticking around to find out.
“The Lord moves in mysterious ways, and we have to trust in His will, Ami. Isn’t that what your papa and I have always taught you? Just think, Ami. A baby! You might have a sweet little baby all your own; can you imagine?” Her eyes were shining now, and I saw the hope all over her face. But the truth was, I couldn’t imagine. I’d never seen a real, live baby in all my life. I didn’t know how to hold or feed or take care of a baby. I tried to picture myself holding a tiny baby, but all I could see was the puppies I’d played with over the years.
“Now, you know I’ve told you about how babies are made, the good Lord willing…” I felt myself blushing, and I saw that Ruth felt as embarrassed as I did. In my mind, I begged her to stop, but I couldn’t be disrespectful enough to ask her out loud. “You remember how it works?” she asked. I could hear the determination in her voice. This conversation was happening, no matter what.
“Yes, ma’am,” I mumbled. Please Lord, don’t let her tell me again, I thought. It had been bad enough the first time.
“It’s not so bad, really. You don’t need to be afraid. Just … think about something else and it will be over before you know it.”
I felt like my eyes were going to burn a hole in the floor, I was looking down so hard. Think about something else and it will be over before I know it? That’s the best I could hope for? I might not know a whole lot about husbands and wives and love, but I had certainly thought, hoped, for more than just grin and bear it. I was starting to understand why Rachel and Billie and Amber didn’t want this for me. As for my uncles, well, just the thought of them knowing that I was going to have to do that made me wish the ground would open up and swallow me right that very instant. Ruth kind of patted me on the arm, then drew me into a stiff-feeling hug.
“All right, then. I’m glad we had this little talk. Because tomorrow you are going to have to do better, Ami. Me and your papa, we want what’s best for you. And we know this visitor has caught you by surprise. But you’re not a little girl anymore, are you? Your Heavenly Father built your body to be ready for babies at this age, and I reckon He knew what He was about. We just have to trust and pray and accept His will. Now isn’t that right?” Her voice struck me right in my heart. I could hear her pleading with me, asking me to be the good and godly woman she’d trained me to be. But also asking, maybe, that I wouldn’t be angry. That I wouldn’t hate her for giving me away like this. That I would understand why.
“Yes, ma’am,” I said. I couldn’t look up. I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted.
As soon as Ruth was gone, I started packing. If I had doubts before, they were long gone now. I could not do what they wanted. I was scared and ashamed but also sure that I could make it right. I would go to Eufaula and find my mother. She would help me. But Amber had said the traveler brought her that brochure for Lake Point years ago. My mama could be anywhere by now. Then again, how many places were there left to go in this world? Why would she send word if she didn’t mean to wait for me there? Even if she was gone, maybe someone there would know where she was.
All of these thoughts ran wild through my mind as I unstrapped and unrolled my blankets. I threw in my book, my little round mirror, my knife, and the only picture of my mother I’d ever seen. In the encyclopedias, there were photographs of people, but Jedidiah hadn’t believed in such vanity as keeping cameras about. The picture I had was a drawing, but everyone said it looked just like her. She smiled for the artist in a way that made my heart ache. No one seemed to know who had drawn it, but it was left among her things when she ran. I liked to think that she left it for me, just as I had always pretended her smile was for me. I held the picture for a moment, trying to imagine how she would look now. Would I know her if I saw her, all these years after the drawing was made?
Maybe I had her eyes or her smile. I knew I didn’t have her hair because in the picture it hung long and straight. The drawing was only done with a regular pencil, but her hair was left with a lot of the paper showing through faint pencil strokes, so I guessed it was a lighter color. Billie’s hair was light brown, but Rachel’s was honey with streaks of lighter blond running through it. None of them had ringlets like mine. Their eyes were both grayish blue. Would my mother’s eyes be that color or hazel like mine? I didn’t see any freckles in the drawing either. What if she didn’t believe that I was her daughter?
There was no time for such thoughts, and I pushed them aside. I had days of walking ahead of me, and there would be plenty of time to worry and dream. But now it was time for me to go. I looked at my open bedroll. A book, a knife, a drawing, a pocket mirror. I added my little windup flashlight, then looked around for what else to take. In all the world, were these the only things I really needed? Amber had said she’d give me different clothes, and I wondered what they would be. Strange things to go with the strange “running shoes” she wanted me to wear. Did they make shoes just for running away? Surely not, but I couldn’t understand why else you would run in them.
I let my mind wander like that for another hour, until I had heard the doors all close and the voices fade away. Then I opened my window, grabbed my roll, and slipped out. Without making a sound, I ran to A
mber’s trailer. The moon was almost full, and I could see the hi-way shining like water in its silvery light. It would be my path, but I couldn’t really imagine where it would take me.
Amber opened the door and pulled me inside. “What are you doing, standing out there? Wake up, girl! You got to get moving!” She left me standing just inside the door while she buzzed around, talking the whole time.
“Okay, I’ve got you four water bottles. Any more would be too heavy. That’s one a day if it takes four whole days, but maybe try to save a little in case it’s longer. And I know you can find water if you have to, right? There’s some food, but it ain’t nothing fancy. Bread and some jerky, some of that soft cheese Billie makes. A little sack of peanuts. I know there’s peaches and such you’ll find along the way. Smart girl like you, you’ll manage just fine.”
Amber thought I was smart? I wasn’t sure anyone had ever called me that before. I remembered the way Papa had praised me to Zeke when I first came up into the yard and saw them all standing there, watching me. The memory made my stomach twist up. But Amber saying I was smart felt different. She thought I could do this. She believed that I could strike out into the woods on my own, walk for four or five days, and find my mama. For some reason, thinking about that made my eyes tear up. I must have sniffled a little, because Amber’s head snapped up and her rambling talk stopped in the middle of a thought.
“Well, shit,” she said.
“Amber!” I had heard the men cuss a little here and there, when they broke something or just thought no one was around to hear. But never my grandma or my aunts! But Amber just ignored my shock.
The Ballad of Ami Miles Page 3