The Ballad of Ami Miles

by Kristy Dallas Alley

  I saw a girl whose face and neck were freckled and brownish from the sun but whose body was pale and blank in comparison. Now, I know I didn’t need a mirror to look down at my undressed self, but I never really had. I was taught that vanity is a sin and the body is the devil’s trap. The only time I wasn’t covered from neck to ankle and wrist in a loose muslin dress was when I was bathing and changing clothes, and that was a quick, no-nonsense business. Even standing in that bathroom so far from Heavenly Shepherd, I felt like I was doing something shameful and wrong. I felt afraid. But another, newer feeling was also fighting its way out: I felt bold.

  I was a girl who had left home on a quest, and I had done it alone, and I had made it. I felt, maybe for the first time, like I belonged to my own self and I could look at that self as much as I wanted to. That girl in the mirror was me, and her body was my body, and when I looked at her, I just could not see anything for her to be ashamed of. Feeling bolder by the minute, I pushed the tangled curtain of my hair back behind my shoulders so that it no longer hid me. I saw my breasts, rounded and high with nipples small and pinkish brown. Automatically I heard Ruth’s voice telling me that my breasts could nurse babies if I was good enough for God to bless me with them, but I pushed her voice out of my head. I saw the line of my waist curving in and then back out to my hips. That was where the bottom of the mirror cut off, so I took a deep breath and looked down. I let my eyes skim over the nest of dark hair (Babies, Ruth whispered) to my legs, standing long and strong right here in the world. My legs had carried me far from home, and I felt love for them swelling up in my heart. I laughed out loud, and then I felt tears fill my eyes and spill over.

  “Ami girl, you are acting crazy!” I said it out loud, used to talking to myself because wasn’t I the only friend I had in the world? All of a sudden, I felt how lonely I was and had always been. The tears came harder, but I also felt happy because I knew that my loneliness was about to end. I was in a new place with new people, probably more than I had ever thought I would meet in my life, and maybe one of them was my mother. Maybe one or two of them would become my friend. And maybe, just maybe, one of them would be my match.

  Those thoughts made me antsy all over again, so I turned and fiddled with the handles over the tub faucet until I figured out how to fill it with warm water; then I stepped in and laid my body down against the hard white walls of the tub. The loud rush of the water and the warmth of it rising up over my skin made me feel how tired I really was. I wanted to just close my eyes and sleep, but I figured that sleeping in a tub of water up to my neck was probably not the best idea. There was a chunk of some kind of soap sitting there, so I lathered it up and started to work on the matted mess of my hair. The soap was slippery and made it easier to work my fingers through like a comb, sliding them down through the tangles over and over again until they all came loose. I felt hypnotized and half asleep as I washed the rest of myself and then pulled the plug to let the soapy, dirty water drain out. Finally, I rinsed myself under the shower, dried off, and crawled under the covers of the big white bed. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

  Nine

  The sound of knocking woke me, and for a minute, I had no idea where I was. Some light was still coming in the window, but it looked like the light just before the sun goes down. I had been dreaming of the woods, and this added to my confusion at waking up inside a strange room. Then I heard someone calling me through the door, and the voice was familiar. It was Helen, the woman who had brought me to this room. It all came back to me then, and I struggled to sit up and answer her.

  “Yes, ma’am, uh, I fell asleep,” I called through the door. “Can you … hang on just a minute?” I was up and looking for clothes. The ones I’d been wearing were too dirty to put back on, but I had saved one clean pair of shorts and a shirt Amber had packed for me. I stumbled around pulling them out of my pack, tripping as I tried to get my legs into the shorts. I felt funny with so much of my bare legs sticking out now that I was back around people, but I didn’t have time to worry about it. I put the shirt on backward and had to pull my arms back in and spin it around on my neck to get it right, but eventually I managed to get to the door and open it. Helen was standing there looking impatient, then I saw her eyes go straight to my hair and she laughed. I reached up self-consciously and tried to smooth it back away from my face a little.

  “Fell asleep with my hair wet,” I mumbled. I wondered what time it was and how long I’d slept. There was still daylight coming through the room’s one window, but the sun set late this time of year. I hoped I hadn’t slept through supper, and just as that thought crossed my mind, my stomach gave a loud, empty rumble.

  “Well, it sounds like I’m right on time,” Helen said with a smirk. “It’s just about supper time. But I guess you’ll want to hear about your mama first. Come on, let’s sit down.” She put a hand on my shoulder and steered me the few short steps to the edge of the bed. There was a new kindness in the way she looked at me then, and I panicked, thinking it was pity. She hasn’t found my mother, I thought. I was on my own with no way to go back home.

  “It turns out I was right about knowin’ who it was in that picture of yours. Your mama is here.” This was so much the opposite of what I’d expected to hear that it took me a minute to grasp what she had said. Helen seemed to understand this because she didn’t say anything else for a minute, just nodded when I looked at her and started to laugh and cry at the same time. She waited for me to get myself together before she went on.

  “But,” she said, “she’s not here right now. She left two days ago on a foraging trip with a few other people from the community. These trips usually only last a week or so, and then she’ll be back.” I tried to understand what she was saying. My mother was here but she wasn’t? Helen was sure this person was my mother even though she couldn’t talk to her or show her the picture?

  “How … how do you know it’s her if she’s not here right now?” I asked. “How can you be sure she’ll come back? Maybe she’ll find someplace she likes better. She could just leave. She … she’s done it before.” I felt the tears well up, and I looked down at my hands in embarrassment. What if it isn’t really her? I thought. What if she never comes back? Helen looked uncomfortable, like she wasn’t sure what to tell me.

  “Well damn,” she said softly, more to herself than to me, then shook her head irritably. “I don’t like gettin’ into other folks’ business like this. I’d rather wait and let her tell you, but there’s no way to really explain how I know it’s her without you knowing.” She sighed again, and I looked up from my hands to her face. “I know it’s her because her husband told me it was.”

  “Her husband?” I stared at Helen’s face, trying to make sense of what she’d said. “My mother doesn’t have a husband. She never married my father.” But even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I knew they didn’t mean anything. I didn’t know my mother at all. I hadn’t seen her or talked to her once in sixteen years. She didn’t marry my father when she had me, but she could have married anyone since then. She could have done anything and I wouldn’t know it.

  “I figured that would be a surprise. I don’t know your mama all that well, but when I saw the drawing you had, I was pretty sure it was her. She doesn’t use the name you told me, though. So I went to her cabin and talked to her husband. He recognized the drawing right away, and as soon as I showed it to him, he said, ‘Ami, she’s finally here!’ He seemed pretty happy about it.”

  I didn’t know how to feel. Part of me felt happy that she must talk about me, that she was expecting me and was maybe even hoping I would come. But another part of me felt like I was farther away from her than I had ever been. Somehow I had never thought about her life after the compound or what she was doing while I was growing up from the baby she left to the grown girl I had become. I guess in my mind, she was just frozen in time, waiting for me so her life could start again. But now time was thawed out all at once, and the flood was more t
han I could really handle.

  “He said that he couldn’t wait to meet you but that … your mother … would want him to wait for her. In fact, he said anytime she goes on a trip, she tells him what to do if you come. I wish there was a way to let her know you’re here, but these trips don’t follow any certain route. There’s just no way to know where she is right now.”

  There was nothing I could really say right then, so I nodded and looked down at my lap. Helen seemed sure that my mother and her husband would be happy to see me, and I wanted to think she was right, but what I really wanted was to know it. I wanted to see my mother smile at me. I wanted to feel her wrap her arms around me and hear her say that she had missed me, that she wanted me, that she never meant to leave me for so long. I had always wanted those things, but now that I was so close to finding her, I needed them so bad it hurt like lightning in my chest.

  “You’ll stay here in the lodge till she gets back, and then y’all can figure out what’s next. I’ll put you on the work schedule, so you can earn your keep,” Helen said. I must have looked surprised because she smirked and said, “Ain’t no free lunch, missy. You stay here, you earn your keep.” I nodded and tried to look agreeable. Helen was kind of scary, but I suspected her bark was worse than her bite. “Now, let’s see about gettin’ some food in you. You came on a good night—some of the boys got a deer today, and everyone is out back for a big cookout. This’ll be a good chance for you to meet some of the people who live here, if you’re up to it. I think it will be easiest if we just tell people you’re a visitor for now. That way you and your mama will have some time to talk and decide things without getting anyone else mixed up in your business. That sound okay to you?” I nodded and made myself look up at her.

  “Yes, ma’am. If you think that’s best.” I didn’t want to have to explain to anyone why I had never met my own mother, but I was hungry and also, in spite of everything, curious. How many people lived at Lake Point, and how did that all work? Would there be any kids my own age? Were there babies? “I guess I’m as ready as I’m gonna get.” I stood up from the bed where we’d been sitting, but Helen stayed put and looked up past my face to my hair. She looked like she was trying to think of a nice way to tell me that I looked a mess. I started laughing, and reached up to try to feel how bad it was, and she smiled. It was the friendliest smile she’d given me so far.

  “Why don’t you go on in the bathroom and get yourself fixed up a little bit. I’ll wait right here.” I was confused. Why did I need to go in the bathroom to pull my hair back? But I did need to pee after my nap, so I did as she said. Only after I flipped on the light and saw the mirror again did I understand what she meant. Other people looked in the mirror when they fixed their hair. I still wasn’t used to having one.

  The Ami in the mirror still looked unfamiliar to me. My hair looked clean, and it was still mostly untangled from my bath, but it puffed out wild on one side while the other was smooshed down flat where I had slept on it. I wet my hands and smoothed it back the best I could before braiding it into a long, thick tail. I stared into the mirror once it was done, trying to get back some of that boldness I’d felt the first time I saw myself there. I had met my own full reflection for the first time today, and now I was about to meet a whole lot of other new people. I wanted to give myself a little pep talk, but talking to myself felt funny with someone in the room who could hear me. Instead I heard Amber’s voice in my head saying, Ami girl, you’re about to have you a little adventure. I took a deep breath and smiled at myself.

  Ten

  The big room with the high ceiling and wall made of windows felt even bigger as I walked through it behind Helen. There were a few people there now, talking and laughing in small groups. I felt like they were looking at me and wondering who I was, but I didn’t catch anyone staring. Helen had said it was best if we just said I was visiting, so I must have been right that company wasn’t as rare at Lake Point as it was back at Heavenly Shepherd. The thought of home made my heart thunk in my chest like it was rolling over. Ruth and Papa Solomon had to be looking for me by now. I wondered what excuses they were making to Zeke Johnson about my disappearing act or if he was even waiting around. What could my aunts and uncles say that would throw them off my trail? What if one of them broke down and told the truth?

  As soon as we stepped through the big double doors in the glass wall, I let out a breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding. Being outside just felt right to me. I could see the lake stretching out far into the distance, and the sky was turning bright pink and orange as the sun dropped low over the water. But between me and the lake, there were people. More people than I had ever seen in my whole life, just standing and sitting, walking around and talking to one another like they didn’t even know they were anything special. This was just a regular day to them, but I felt like I was witnessing a miracle. You might think that I was scared or nervous after spending my whole life seeing only a handful of other people, but right then I wasn’t. Not at all.

  A feeling like pure happiness bubbled up inside me, and I wanted to run and wrap my arms around every person I saw. There you are, my heart was saying. Finally. And I knew then that no matter what happened, I was going to be just fine. There were people here, and that meant there must be more people in more places than I had ever known about. I was not alone. It was not all on me. I don’t think I really knew how that pressure was a part of me until I felt it lifted away. Thank you, God, I thought in silent prayer. Tears of relief slipped down my cheeks, and Helen asked me if I was okay. I guess she thought I was upset or overwhelmed, so I just nodded and smiled and wiped my cheeks.

  There was a wide concrete-and-stone patio attached to the back of the building we’d just come from, with one part of it off to the side raised up higher by a few steps. Right in the center was a kind of round firepit, built about waist high and covered with a metal grate. A few people stood around it, tending to the hunks of meat that cooked over the flames. Other people were already eating, balancing plates of food on their knees. I wondered what else they were eating and where it all came from. Helen seemed to guess what I was thinking, because she answered my questions like I had said them out loud.

  “This whole place used to be somewhere families came to get away for a few days, back when everyone worked at paid jobs and kids had to sit in school all week. They called it a ‘vacation,’ just a little time away from the hustle and bustle, I guess. But after the Break, when people gradually gathered here to start over, they turned it into a working farm. There’s plenty of hunting around, so we don’t bother with much livestock except chickens and some dairy cows and goats. We even get wild pigs out in the woods, descended from farm pigs that survived the Break and got free. But we grow wheat and oats and rye, corn, every kind of greens you can think of, tomatoes, peppers, okra, eggplant, melons, all kinds of squash, fruit, and herbs for seasoning and medicinal purposes. And of course, peanuts. You can’t hardly keep peanuts from growing around here anyway. There’s a grove of walnut and pecan trees too. It’s a lot of work, but everybody pitches in. You ever done any farming?”

  “Yes, ma’am, we grow some crops back at … where I’m from. Not much grains, though, because we have a lot of flour and oats and stuff stored up from before. Before the Break, you called it? I never heard it said like that before. But I been helping take care of cows and chickens and making butter and cheese and all that since I was little. I can forage and hunt a little bit too.” I stopped there, feeling suddenly embarrassed. Pride is a sin, as I knew. “I don’t mean to sound prideful,” I mumbled at the ground. Helen snorted.

  “Prideful? More like useful, I’d say! Half the folks that wander in here don’t hardly know how to find their backsides with both hands! I’m glad to know somebody out there still has some sense. And manners to boot!” She looked at me appraisingly, and for once, I felt like I could keep my head up. Luckily I didn’t have to respond because we reached the group of people around the grill and they turned
to greet us.

  “Everybody, this is Ami. She’s come a long way to get here, and we gonna make her feel welcome.” She said this with an authority that made me wonder what it would be like if she didn’t issue those instructions. “Let’s get her fixed up with some supper, alright?” It was mostly men around the grill, and I felt kind of nervous being that close to all of them at once, even though their faces seemed friendly when I managed to look. I felt my own face get hot, and I had a hard time speaking or looking any of them in the eye. Helen handed me a plate and waited just long enough for me to put some meat and an ear of corn on it, then hustled me over to the steps leading up to the raised part of the patio. There were a few people sitting on the steps, and there were several tables with chairs up on the round platform. I had noticed people sitting there when we first came out, but now that we were closer, I understood why she was taking me to them. They were young like me.

  I was so shocked that I didn’t know what to say. Just seeing them all sitting there together, three girls and two boys, like it was no big deal, made me want to cry. I wondered how long they had been there and whether they had all grown up together. What would it have been like to have other kids to play with? I couldn’t even imagine. They were talking about something when we came up, but they stopped and turned toward us with curious faces when they saw us. My heart was pounding, but I tried to look calm.

  “Hey, Miss Helen,” one of the girls said. I immediately wondered if I should have been calling her Miss Helen instead of just Helen all this time. I guessed that if you were talking to a grown-up woman who wasn’t in your own family, you had to call them something to show respect, like how Laura called her teachers Miss in my books. It had not even crossed my mind, but if it bothered Helen, she hadn’t let on. “Who’s this?”