I wanted to ask why she had sought me out. I’d assumed none of the staff was aware Rowan and I were seeing each other. We hadn’t been as stealthy as we’d thought, or Katie was intuitive.
Tears gathered in her eyes. “Dr. Lancaster likes you. He trusts you, and I thought…I hoped you might be able to help him through this. Please,” she whispered, pleading with me, her eyes bright with tears.
Uncertain of what I could do to help, I knocked on his office door. Unwilling to wait for an answer, I opened it and tentatively stepped inside. Every textbook from the shelf was on the floor; the framed degrees on his wall were askew.
Rowan stood in the middle of the room, his shoulders heaving with exertion. When he saw me, he glared with a fierce frown. “Now isn’t a good time, Jenna.”
“So it seems,” I said calmly, and pointedly looked at the mess of large textbooks littering the floor.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded, shoving his fingers through his hair with such force it was a wonder he didn’t uproot a handful.
“I came to see you,” I explained.
“Another time. Please.”
“In a minute,” I said, tiptoeing through the books until I reached him.
He glared at me, his eyes full of agony. I ignored the lack of welcome. Not knowing how else to comfort him, I moved closer and placed my hands around his middle and hugged him. For several uncomfortable seconds he remained frozen, his arms hanging lifelessly at his sides with his fists clenched. I might as well have been holding on to a mannequin. He was stiff and angry, furious with God and mad at the world.
About the time I was ready to give up and grant him the privacy he wanted, a deep shudder went through him, raking his body from head to toe. With a loud groan, his arms came around me. He held me so tightly against him that for a moment I was unable to breathe. I must have made a small protesting sound, because his hold immediately loosened.
He inhaled sharply and buried his face in my shoulder. It felt as if he never intended to let me go.
After what seemed like several minutes, he finally spoke. “He shouldn’t have died.”
I pressed my hand to the back of his head, offering what comfort I could. “You aren’t the one who gets to decide who lives and dies.”
“His parents are devastated,” he said, choking out the words.
Rowan had been the one to tell them they would need to bury their son. That was by far the hardest job any surgeon faced. Drawing in a deep breath, Rowan released me and held me at arm’s length as he looked deep into my eyes, seeking answers. I had none to give him. No reassurance. No words of wisdom. Nothing.
“How’d you find out?”
Katie remained on the outside of the open door, looking uncertain. When I didn’t answer, he answered for me.
“Katie?”
The young nurse, who’d been waiting in the hallway, entered the trashed office. “I hope you don’t mind, Dr. Lancaster. I…I didn’t know what else to do. I thought Jenna might be able to help.”
He frowned at her disapprovingly. “We’ll discuss this later.”
“Please don’t be upset with me.” Her lower lip trembled.
“It’s fine, Katie,” I said, answering for him. “I’m grateful you came for me.” I could see that she’d be crushed if he admonished her. My eyes searched out Rowan’s, silently pleading with him not to fault his staunchest advocate.
“We’ll talk tomorrow,” Rowan told the nurse.
Katie’s eyes lowered, and she left.
Reaching for his hand, I held it in both of my own. “I think we could both use a cup of coffee.”
“I’m more in the mood for a shot of whiskey.”
“I don’t think the cafeteria carries that,” I said. Bending down, I picked up a bulky textbook and placed it back on the shelf.
Bending over, he picked up several volumes and returned them to their proper place. Working together silently, it didn’t take us long to clear the floor and put the office in order again.
When we finished, he turned away so that I could no longer see his face. “You can go, Jenna.”
I stiffened before I realized why he wanted me gone. No man wanted to be thought of as weak, and I’d seen Rowan at a low point. “But I thought we’d go for coffee.”
“I appreciate what you’re doing, but it’d be best if…”
Prompted by instinct, I acted impulsively and stepped in front of him. I knew if Rowan saw my face, he wouldn’t want me to leave. At the same time, I sensed it was his anguish speaking, asking me to leave. I knew nothing I did would take away the pain of losing that child and having to tell the boy’s family. Yet I felt I had to do something, something more than a hug and helping him put the textbooks back on the shelves.
I grabbed hold of him and jerked him toward me. Then I planted my hands on either side of his face and locked my lips on his.
I kissed him.
I kissed Rowan as if it was the end of the world and this was my last act on earth.
He was startled, and at first resisted. I wouldn’t allow it, dominating him, giving him everything I could in that kiss. When we finally broke apart, a shocked silence followed. I was about to release him when he brought me back into his arms, took hold of my face, angled his mouth to mine, and kissed me in return. His kiss was by far gentler than mine had been, his lips roving leisurely over mine, encouraging me to respond, and I did, in ways I never had with any other man. My hands slid up and over his shoulders; my fingers wove into the short hairs at the base of his neck. We kissed with the intensity that life and death bring.
By the time we separated, we were both breathless, our shoulders heaving as we tried to breathe normally again.
Neither of us spoke. We stared at each other, and I was convinced we didn’t know what to say.
Finally, I managed to stammer out, “I…probably should be going.”
Looking as confused as I felt, he nodded. I went to move away when he caught my hand and entwined our fingers. “No,” he whispered, clearing his throat.
“No?”
“No,” he repeated. “Stay a while longer, Jenna. You mentioned coffee.”
“You want coffee now?” I’d been the one to suggest it, but only as a means of distracting him.
“No, I want you.”
His words rattled me, and I took a small step back, my hand automatically going to my heart and staying there. It was a protective action. Everything was happening too fast, like the speed of light. To this point, I’d dated cautiously, carefully. Everything had changed with Rowan and I had yet to catch my mind up to my heart, to think this through.
“Does that shock you?” he asked, reading my hesitation. “It shouldn’t.”
“I…I don’t know. I need time.”
He smiled softly and then nodded. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m leaving now.” Taking small steps, I continued to back out the door. That was when I realized the door to his office had remained wide open. Anyone walking by would have been able to see inside, to see us kiss—our lips and bodies locked as if there was no tomorrow. This was the very thing we’d tried to avoid.
The hospital gossipmongers were going to have a field day, passing this information around. It was sure to move faster than any virus.
Once I was out of his office, I hurried to the parking garage as if to outdistance the questions filling my head. I was grateful Rowan didn’t try to stop me. As soon as I was in my car, I fumbled inside my purse for my phone to call Maureen. If ever I needed a friend, it was now. When I was confused and unsure, Maureen was my go-to person. She’d talked me off more cliffs than anyone.
“Bonjour,” she greeted me cheerfully when she answered, reminding me of our Paris plans.
“Rowan wants me,” I blurted out, not stopping to return her greeting
in French or otherwise.
“Green light!” she cried triumphantly. “What’s wrong? You don’t sound happy.”
“I am…I think.”
“He’s a green light, and if you’re honest with yourself, Jenna—how many of those have you had of late?”
The montage of men I’d dated since my divorce had all proven to be disappointments. It took longer to recognize some than others. In the end, I was left with one letdown after another.
I felt close to the precipice, closer than I’d been in all the years since Kyle, ready to fall in love and yet…afraid, so very afraid. I’d been here before and knew the dangers. I was convinced there was something I didn’t see, didn’t know, that would hit me in the face and knock me out cold.
“Jenna, talk to me,” Maureen said, cutting into my thoughts.
In that moment, I knew what had caused me to flee from Rowan as if the hounds of hell were in pursuit. “I’m afraid, Maureen.”
“Of being loved and wanted?”
“No.” It wasn’t that. “No, of being disappointed yet again. He’s too good, too perfect. He calls me Sunshine, and when he kisses me, I forget everything, including my name.”
“Jenna, stop. You’re beginning to sound like me.”
“There’s a phrase my dad used to say. Something about waiting for the other shoe to drop, which never made any sense to me, but it does now.” Although I wasn’t quite sure what any of this had to do with shoes dropping.
“Take a deep breath,” Maureen advised.
I did as she suggested and held it as long as I could before releasing it. If this was supposed to offer me confidence, it failed.
“Now what?” I asked.
“Take one day at a time. Go slow. Adjust your expectations and give yourself permission to fall in love.”
My dearest friend sounded sensible and wise. I started the car and the engine came to life. I backed out of my assigned parking spot.
“Can you do that?” Maureen asked.
“I’ll give it my best.” I tried to sound confident, but I was wary. Life had taught me to move forward cautiously. I wouldn’t give my heart away again. I’d done it before and been disappointed too many times.
CHAPTER 23
Jenna
Mom was doing so well. I left work early on Halloween to help her pass out treats to the neighborhood kids. She’d been home for only three weeks, and, thankfully, her independent spirit was kicking in again. The entire incident with her hip and the subsequent surgery and recovery process had helped her to move past the lingering grief she’d had since losing my dad. She was back to her old self, spending time with her bridge friends and with Mrs. Torres, and spoiling her cat.
Her seventy-fifth birthday was coming up, and after everything she’d endured, Tom and I decided to throw her a birthday party.
“What do you think, Mom?” I asked, after presenting her with the idea.
“A party sounds great. That way, I can thank all the people who were so wonderful before and after my accident.”
That was my mother. The party’s intent was to honor her, yet she wanted to use it as a chance to thank those who had helped her through the accident and her recovery.
“I’ll see if Paul can get home for the weekend,” I said, adding my son’s name to the top of the invitation list. Mom was a wonderful grandmother. Since they’d left for college, she took time each week to connect with each grandchild, with either a phone call or little notes of encouragement she’d drop in the mail with Starbucks gift cards.
“Seeing Paul would be lovely. I enjoyed Allie’s visits while I was at Parkview. She brought that friend of hers, too.”
“Wyatt?”
“No, it was a girl. I think her name was Mallory. No,” she said, correcting herself. “It’s Mackensie.”
Allie and Mackensie were as thick as thieves these days. I was grateful my daughter had found a good friend. Back in the day, it’d been the same with Maureen and me. Our friendship had lasted through the years. That didn’t mean it would be this way with Allie and Mackensie. Friends, like much else in life, sometimes come in seasons.
Things were looking better with Allie these days. She seemed to be settling into college life after those bumpy first weeks, which made me happy.
I was hearing less and less from Paul, though, and I missed our talks. I suspected that he worked far too many hours, and I worried that he wouldn’t be able to keep up with his studies. He’d been warned by his adviser about the intensity of the engineering courses.
My mom continued to chat away as the doorbell rang with another trick-or-treater. I handed out the candy and then returned to better listen to Mom as she continued to chat. With no one in the house to talk to on a regular basis, when she got the opportunity, she thoroughly enjoyed the chance to share.
“Paul has been good to me, too,” she continued. “Did you know he called me at least three times a week to check on me? I know he wanted to come visit, and he would have, if not for his job and his studies.” Mom’s eyes glowed with pride. “He’s an exceptional young man, you know. Young adults these days aren’t nearly as responsible as my generation.”
I was glad to hear that Paul had set aside time to call his grandmother, even though he didn’t seem to have as much time for me.
“Oh, and be sure to invite Rowan,” Mom said, cutting into my musings about Paul.
Rowan. My mind wandered off at his name. Because he’d been away at a medical conference, I hadn’t seen him in nearly two weeks.
I heard he’d attended the services for the young boy who’d died on the operating table. In retrospect, I wished I’d gone with him. I would have, had he asked me, but he hadn’t. I didn’t hear anything about the service until it had come and gone.
As I’d suspected, the gossip about us had spread faster than a California brushfire. I’d walk down the hall and hear the whispers. As soon as I came into view there would be silence until I passed, then the voices would pick up again. A couple of the nurses in my unit had asked me this past week if Rowan and I were dating.
“He’s hot,” Penny had expressed to me with an envious look. She’d cornered me in the cafeteria during my dinner break and I had no escape.
“We’ve gone out a couple times,” I’d answered, uncomfortable talking about our relationship with anyone besides Maureen.
“This is a first for him, you know…dating someone from the hospital.”
“I wouldn’t know,” I said, eager to change the subject. I pushed aside my half-eaten Subway sandwich, stood, and excused myself.
“Jenna,” my mother said. “You look like you’re a million miles away.”
I shook my head, hoping to scatter the questions buzzing around in it. “What were you saying?” I asked.
“We’re making up the guest list for my birthday party.”
“Right.” The doorbell chimed, and I quickly distributed candy to another host of neighborhood children. While I was up, I grabbed a notebook and pen and returned to Mom’s side.
“Be sure and put Dolores on the list.”
I wrote down Mrs. Torres’s name.
Mom went on to list the names of several of the staff from Parkview who’d helped in her recovery. I was still writing down their names when the doorbell alerted me to more trick-or-treaters.
I answered the call to duty, praising the little boy who’d dressed up like Colonel Sanders holding a KFC bucket half filled with assorted sweets. People were incredibly clever with their children’s costumes. The most creative I got with Paul was a Superman costume, when he wore his swimsuit over a pair of his sister’s tights and a red cape.
When I returned to the pen and pad, Mom had thought of several other names. “The physical therapist. Oh dear, I don’t remember her full name now. You’ll need to ask Rich Gardner for it. Be sure to put his
name on the list, too. He’s such a kind man.”
I might have misjudged Rich Gardner, but I didn’t think so.
“Did you write down his name, Jenna?”
“I got it. Anyone else? What about your friends from church?”
“That would be lovely,” she said. “I wanted to ask them but wasn’t sure how many we should invite. I’d like to have the party at the house, mind you, and not rent out the convention center.”
I smiled. “Okay, I’ll get the invitations ready.” I’d order the cake and see about a few decorations as well, knowing it would be easier for me than Tom, as he lived out of state. It pleased me to be able to honor my mother on this special birthday.
“Be sure to mention that I don’t want or need any gifts.” Mom was adamant. “At my age, I have everything I need.”
“Will do.” I tucked the notebook with the names of the invitees back into my purse. Thirty minutes passed without the doorbell ringing. I turned off the porch light and left for home soon afterward.
* * *
—
The text message from Rowan asked me to meet him in the hospital cafeteria for my dinner break. Why not? Keeping our relationship under the radar at the hospital was a lost cause. Seeing us together wasn’t going to surprise anyone. Since Rowan had been away our communication had been limited to a few text messages. It was good to know he was back. I’d missed him far more than I thought I would or should.
The first person I saw when I entered the cafeteria was Rowan. He sat at one of the tables with his phone, glaring at the screen. He didn’t notice me at first and rubbed his hand down his face, as though confounded. When he glanced up and saw me, the tightness around his mouth and jaw relaxed and he smiled. Seeing him certainly did my heart a world of good.
For one irrationally long moment we stared at each other, neither one of us able to look away. My heart raced like I was in the last mile of the Boston Marathon.
“Jenna,” he said softly. He looked exhausted.
“When did you get back?” I asked, setting my tray down on the table across from him and taking a seat.
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