by Anna Bell
I’ve barely made it through the door of my flat when I hear the intercom buzz.
‘Hello,’ I say, pressing the button to answer it.
‘It’s me, let me in,’ says Marissa.
I just about have time to go into the kitchen and make a cup of tea for her before she knocks at the door.
‘Blimey, look at that bump. It enters the room minutes before you.’
‘I know, I ate quite a lot yesterday and it seems to have to have doubled in size.’
‘Are you sure you’ve got your due date right and it’s not about to pop out?’
I’m starting to panic; she’s supposed to have another month to go. We’re already cutting it fine with the surprise baby shower we’ve got planned in a few weeks as it is.
‘Pretty sure. When you’re married you only have sex once in a blue moon so it’s easy to keep track of it.’
I laugh and we walk into the living room where she collapses into the sofa.
‘You know, I didn’t come all the way here to talk about my bump. You’ve got to put me out of my misery, tell me about you and Aidan.’
‘What do you want to know?’
‘Um, everything. Start at the beginning.’
I put her tea down for her on the coffee table and sit on the other end of the sofa.
‘OK, we took Barney the dog for a walk at Basildon Park, you know the National Trust place?’
She shakes her head.
‘It’ll be a good place for you to go with the baby. It’s got all this parkland with beautiful knotty trees. Barney absolutely loved it and he was tearing about in all the mud.’
‘Got it, nature, mud, yes, yes, yes, but get to the good stuff. This baby could come at any second and then all I’d be left with is the bit about the leaves. I need to hear this, I may never have sex myself again, this is all I have left.’
‘I’m pretty sure that other people have sex after they’ve had a baby. That’s why people have siblings.’
‘Yeah, but not for months after. Months!’
‘OK,’ I say, not wishing to induce early labour with her getting worked up. It’s been a nightmare planning her baby shower as it is. ‘So Barney, the dog, got really muddy.’
She throws me dagger eyes.
‘There’s a point to this part of the story.’ I hold my hands up in defence. ‘He got really muddy rolling in all these puddles, which meant he needed a bath and then we got even more wet. Which got us wet too and then we had to change.’
The look of anger subsides and a smile creeps over her face.
‘And, you know, I was getting changed and then…’
‘You suddenly had no need for clothes. Go on.’
‘What! Marissa, I’m not going any further than that.’
‘Come on, we all know where this story is heading and you’ve left out all the good bits.’
‘And that’s exactly the way it’s going to stay.’
‘So how was it?’
I close my eyes and I could almost be back there.
‘It was lovely.’
‘Ooh, lovely,’ she says sarcastically. ‘I bet he’d be well pleased to hear it described like that,’ she says, picking up her hot tea and blowing on it.
‘OK, it was sexy and hot and for a first time with someone, pretty damn good.’
‘I guess pretty damn good is slightly better than lovely.’
‘However I describe it, it’ll sound lame and you know, it’s actually private.’
Marissa has never been one for boundaries.
‘Anyway, after that he lent me some PJs and his dressing gown and we sat on the sofa under a duvet for the rest of the afternoon and watched cheesy films.’
‘That actually sounds cute,’ she says and I see tears welling up in the corners of her eyes.
‘Oh no, don’t start crying,’ I say.
‘I’m not, I’m not,’ she says, putting down her tea and rubbing at her eyes.
‘You are, you’re crying.’
‘Ah, don’t. It’s these bloody hormones. They’re raging. One minute I’ve got the horn, the next I’m crying. It’s ridiculous.’
A key goes in the lock and I get back up to reboil the kettle.
‘Hey,’ says Becca as she walks through to the lounge unwrapping her scarf and pulling off her heavy wool coat. ‘What did I miss?’
She sits down on one of the dining-table chairs and pulls off her boots.
‘She didn’t tell us any good bits,’ says Marissa. ‘She skipped right over them the minute the clothes came off in the story.’
Becca breaks into a smile. ‘But the clothes came off and there is a story. So much for all this, “we’re just friends”.’
She and Marissa exchange knowing glances. I ignore them both.
‘I knew there was more to your text than “let’s have a girls’ night in”,’ she says with a squeal.
Becca stayed at Gareth’s house last night and I’d texted her and Marissa arranging tonight, not wanting to give too much away in a message.
‘I can’t believe that you’ve found someone you really like,’ says Becca. ‘So when are you going to end things with Luke?’
‘I hadn’t even thought about that,’ says Marissa, curling her hands around her mug of tea once more. ‘But of course you’re going to have to stage your break-up. You can’t risk anyone finding out you’ve got a real boyfriend.’
I sit back down on the sofa and the smile finally leaves my face.
‘I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. Things with Aidan might have been a one off. He’s said to me before that he’s not looking for a relationship and I don’t know if I want one either. And then there’s the whole timing thing – things are going so well with my Instagram account…’
‘Izzy, are you just putting obstacles in the way?’ asks Marissa. ‘From the tiny snippets that you’ve told me it sounds like Aidan’s well into you.’
Becca nods in agreement.
‘I think you’re just scared of getting hurt, but you’ve got to take a risk.’
‘Easier said than done,’ I say, sighing.
‘Izzy, if I can get over what I did to start dating, so can you,’ says Becca a little sternly and my hackles go up.
‘Look,’ I say, ‘having someone you trust completely violate that trust – it makes you doubt everything.’
‘Having someone who never stopped loving you wasn’t exactly easy either,’ she says.
‘I wasn’t comparing the situations!’ I cry.
Becca and I never argue but I feel like we’re teetering on the edge of something here and I don’t know why.
‘Look, Izzy,’ says Marissa, weighing in. ‘What Cameron did to you was shitty, but please don’t let an arsehole like that get in the way of something really special. And as for the Instagram stuff, I know why it’s been so important to you, but is it really worth choosing it over someone like Aidan?’
‘I have been thinking about it,’ I say honestly. ‘Regardless of whether anything more happens with Aidan, I’m going to talk to Luke about ending things. It’s time to see if I can make it as an influencer standing on my own two feet. We always knew we were going to have an endgame, it’s time we set a date.’
‘Set a date?’ says Becca. ‘That makes it sound like you’re dragging it out.’
‘Well, we’ve got a few sponsored posts for December and Luke’s talking to Heart2Heart about a fundraiser; we can’t really let people down.’
‘And how’s Aidan going to feel about you fake dating someone until you’re finished?’
I bite my lip. ‘I don’t see why I’d need to tell him. He hates social media with a passion and explaining to him would make it seem worse than it is. It’s not like I’m actually dating Luke.’
‘Lying to him about something like that isn’t really a great foundation for a relationship,’ says Becca.
‘Um, isn’t that exactly what you’ve done with Gareth not telling him about Ben?’ I snap.
�
��That’s different and you know it.’
I take a deep breath to stop this from escalating.
‘Look, there’s no point in thinking about me and Aidan, as right now there isn’t a me and Aidan. We’re two friends that had sex. Lots of friends do it.’
‘We’ve never done it,’ says Marissa.
I pull a face.
‘You know what I mean. People have sex all the time and it doesn’t mean to say they’re in a relationship. I’m just going to see what happens.’
‘Life’s too short, Izzy,’ says Becca with an exasperated sigh. ‘I think you’re making a huge mistake.’
I’m taken aback by Becca. She’s always been one to dole out sisterly advice but she’s never done it with any judgement.
An awkward silence hangs in the air and Marissa starts to edge her way off the sofa.
‘This baby’s giving me gyp, she won’t sit still,’ she says.
‘Are you OK?’ I ask.
I’m not convinced that it’s the baby making her feel uncomfortable.
‘Yeah, fine. I think I’m going to go home and have a lukewarm bath. Do you mind?’
‘Of course not.’ I’m lying as I want her to stay and protect me from the wrath of Becca.
She prises herself off the sofa, rubbing her belly before she walks perfectly normally over to the front door, convincing me it was all an act to escape. ‘I’ll see you in the week.’
‘Yes, of course.’
I give her a hug before she leaves and I wish I could go with her but I know I have to get to the bottom of what’s really going on with Becca. I take a deep breath before I walk back towards the lounge.
Becca’s taken Marissa’s spot on the sofa and I can feel my body tensing. She looks up at me and her glare has been replaced by a weak smile.
‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said any of that.’
I sit down and curl my legs up to my chest.
‘You’re probably right though.’
‘I still shouldn’t have said it. It’s your life, you should be able to do what you want with it.’
Becca starts to cry and I lean over to comfort her.
‘Hey, no, you were saying it because you care.’
‘I do care,’ she says, sniffing. ‘But I was really mean.’
‘I get it. You think Aidan’s special like Ben was to you and you don’t want me to lose him.’
She half laughs. ‘Well, that is true,’ she says, wiping a tear. ‘I do know what it’s like to lose someone, and so do you, but that’s not why I snapped.’
‘What is it? What’s wrong?’
There has to be more to this than my love life.
‘It’s Gareth.’
I tilt my head, preparing to comfort her; a break-up would destroy her.
‘What about him?’ I say, fearing the worst.
‘Last night he told me he loved me.’
I’m totally shocked and for a second I can’t speak.
‘And you feel the same way?’ I say.
She rolls the sleeve of her cardigan over her hand before she wipes her face and nods.
‘Oh, Bec.’ I pull her into a hug. ‘It’s OK.’
She tries to laugh through her tears. ‘It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I’m upset that I’m in love with someone who loves me.’
‘It’s not ridiculous, it’s understandable.’
Grief causes so many different emotions but the one that always catches me out is guilt. Some days I feel so guilty about all the times as kids that I said horrible things to Ben or about how I teased him that our parents loved me more. But most of all I feel guilty when I’m having fun instead of feeling sad that he’s no longer here. I can’t begin to fathom how much guilt Becca carries on her shoulders.
‘I loved Ben so much and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I know that we didn’t take those vows, but we were engaged for so long that’s exactly how I felt. And then Gareth… he’s great. He’s so different to Ben, but he’s got the same generous spirit and I love him, I really do, but…’
‘But?’
She takes a deep breath and the tears start flowing again.
‘I can’t help feeling like I’m cheating on Ben.’
I swallow back the lump in my throat. I find it difficult to imagine Becca with anyone other than my brother either, but she can’t live her life in the past. She has to move forward.
‘He would have wanted you to move on, you know that, don’t you? He wanted nothing more than for you to be happy and he would have hated to think that he was stopping you.’
She nods quickly.
‘I know, I know. If it was the other way round I’d want him to be meeting other people and moving on.’
‘Then that’s what you’ve got to keep in mind.’
‘It doesn’t make it any easier to do, though, does it?’
I give her another squeeze.
‘I thought it would be years and years before I’d ever fall in love again. I didn’t expect it to be so soon.’
‘You can’t measure these things. Only you know how you feel and if it’s the right time. We all know how much you loved Ben and how you would still be with him now if he was here, but he’s not and no one will blame you for moving on.’
‘But your mum and dad, they’ve been so great to me over the years.’
‘And they still will be. It doesn’t change a thing. They just want you to be happy too.’
She rests her head on my shoulder, like she’s done so many times since I moved in with her. It’s the whole reason I moved in in the first place. I know that Ben would have wanted me to look after her just like I know he would want me to encourage her to be with Gareth now. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
‘Do you want me to put on Gilmore Girls?’ I say.
‘Yes, please.’
I find the remote and bring up Netflix; it’s our go-to binge watch when we’re upset. I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve watched all seven series.
My phone buzzes just as the opening segment starts and I see that I’ve got messages from both Aidan and Luke.
I look at Aidan’s first. It’s a picture of Barney looking at the camera with his sad eyes and it’s captioned:
Aidan:
Barney wants to go on another walk sometime, are you up for it?
I desperately want to say yes until I read the message from Luke.
Luke:
Just got an email from Heart2Heart. They asked if they could offer dinner with us as an auction prize at the Valentine’s Ball! I reckon we’re going to get them loads of money!
In the heat of the moment with Aidan it felt like nothing else mattered. But other things do matter. There are so many people I’d let down if I suddenly stopped our showmance: Luke, our sponsors, the charity, Ben. I’ve never felt so torn between two worlds.
Life might be so much easier with a fake boyfriend, where there’s absolutely no fear of having my heart broken, but it’s stopping me from having a real life. I’ve got to decide what I really want and then I can work out how to get it without hurting anyone or letting anyone down.
Chapter 24
I shut the car door and take a deep breath. I can do this. It’s just ending a simple business transaction. I stand on the kerb, fussing at my hair and deep breathing until I finally pull myself together.
I ring the doorbell and Luke is standing there looking ridiculous wearing an apron and holding a wooden spoon in his hand.
‘You’re early,’ he says, leaving me standing on the doorstep.
My teeth start chattering in the cold.
‘I think I’m right on time. Are you going to ask me in, it’s freezing out here.’
‘Um, sure, why not.’
I follow him into the kitchen where there’s all manner of activity going on. The extractor fan is whirring away, pans are bubbling and boiling over on the hob and he opens the oven and steam rushes out. And then there are the smells: garlic, lemon an
d rosemary; my nostrils kick into overdrive.
‘You’re going to a lot of trouble; I thought we were going to get a pizza?’ I say, leaning over his shoulder to see what’s on the hob. ‘Don’t tell me, you thought you’d snap some photos of us eating and then your real date is coming over. If that’s the case you better have a doggy bag for me.’
‘I cooked it all for you.’
I look over at the sauce he’s mixing. He’s really gone to a lot of effort, which is crazy since smashed avocado on toast is dead easy and dead Instagrammable.
‘My stomach is very pleased. I’ve only just started to fancy food again, after, well you know.’
On the couple of occasions I’ve seen Luke since our weekend away, neither of us has been able to mention the food-poisoning incident. It’s a wonder that we can still look each other in the eye after what we saw.
‘Me too, I think that’s why I got carried away. But you’ll be pleased to know that everything is vegan. I figure you can’t go too far wrong with plant-based food.’
‘Very sensible. And very on trend. Great for the hashtags.’
‘Absolutely. So I had an email back from Grant and he was really happy with how the campaign’s been going. They’ve had good feedback on their new brochure too.’
‘That’s great.’
‘He said that he’d really like to collaborate with us again in the future.’
‘Oh, really?’ I say, picking at my nails. Now would be the ideal time to tell him that I want out of our relationship.
‘I also heard back from the Heart2Heart people. And they’ve already sold all the tickets for our table.’
‘But they’re charging £200 a ticket.’
‘I know and they’ve already sold the eight available.’
‘Wow, really?’
‘Uh-huh, and of course they’re still going to offer dinner with us as an auction prize. They hope we’ll be auctioned off for thousands.’
My hands start to go clammy.
‘Thousands?’ I say, wondering both who would pay that and how I couldn’t deny Heart2Heart that kind of money.