by Anna Bell
The waitress comes over and takes our drinks order and then we head up to the buffet. Aidan wasn’t kidding about his love of hash browns. He’s lined them round the edge of his plate like flower petals and dumped the rest of the breakfast items in the middle.
‘What did you want to do for the rest of the day? Did you want to hang around here after we’ve checked out?’ he asks.
‘How about we leave and then stop somewhere for walk and maybe go for a cream tea?’
‘That sounds like an excellent plan. But I should check you’re not some heretic that puts the cream on your scones before jam, are you?’
‘What do you mean? Oh no, you don’t do jam then cream? You know, Aidan, it’s been fun, but I think this might be the end of the line.’
He pulls a face.
‘Perhaps we could cheat and get chocolate cake?’
I let out a dramatic deep breath. ‘I guess there’s always that. Although I don’t share cake so we have to get one each.’
‘Who shares cake?’ he says, wrinkling his brow. He watches as a waiter walks over towards the hot plates. ‘I better go and get some extra hash browns.’
When we eventually finish eating, or more accurately they take the food away, we head up to the room to get showered before we check out. Of course we showered together so we didn’t check out quite as early as we’d planned. We walk back into the reception holding hands and I reflect on what a wonderful night away it’s been.
I don’t recognise the receptionist but I don’t risk approaching him and instead head over to the leaflet desk whilst Aidan hands in our key. I’ve just found a flyer for a tearoom that isn’t far away when I notice someone standing next to me.
I look up smiling, thinking it’ll be Aidan back, but my face falls when I see that I’m standing face to face with Grant.
‘I thought it was you,’ he says, leaning forward and kissing me on both cheeks. I can feel my legs locking in place and heat spreading through my body. ‘Izzy, how nice to see you.’
My heart is beating wildly and I try to work out what to say. I glance over my shoulder and Aidan looks like he’s finished. He’s going to be walking over any minute. I could pretend that Grant’s got it wrong, that I’m not the woman he thinks I am, but my face says it all.
‘Is Luke with you?’
‘Um,’ I say, still lost for words. Aidan walks up and puts his hand on the small of my back.
‘Ready to go, Iz?’ he says.
‘Izzy?’ says Grant, looking at Aidan.
I close my eyes. I know this is the moment that my life is going to come crashing down.
‘Um, Grant, it’s so nice to see you. Sorry I didn’t tell you I was coming back here, it was all a bit of a surprise. Aidan here booked it.’
I wriggle away from his outstretched hand so that I’m standing alone. He looks at me in surprise.
‘He booked it?’ says Grant, looking at Aidan. ‘And what does your fiancé Luke think about you coming away with another man?’
‘Izzy,’ says Aidan in a quiet voice. ‘What’s he talking about? Your fiancé?’
I know that I’m risking my Insta life but Aidan is more important. I’ll deal with the fall-out with Luke later.
‘I’m not engaged. Luke is a friend of mine, a fellow Instagrammer; we pretended to be together to get more brand sponsorship,’ I say turning to Grant. ‘But the truth is that we’re not together. Aidan is my boyfriend.’
I shoot a look at Aidan hoping that’s still true.
‘But your romantic weekend? The pictures of you in the bath? You stayed in the honeymoon suite. You mud-bathed naked together,’ he says, his voice growing higher and higher in pitch.
I can see Aidan’s jaw clenching out of the corner of my eye.
‘It was all fake. We staged it all.’
‘But that invalidates our contracts. I’m going to have to ask you to leave,’ he snarls.
‘If you allow me to explain…’
‘You’ll be hearing from our lawyers,’ says Grant, taking a step closer towards us and ushering us out of the hotel.
We find ourselves standing outside at the top of the staircase. Aidan is being painfully silent.
‘Aidan… It all sounds so much worse than it is.’
He looks at me and my heart shatters into a million pieces.
‘Luke was that guy who came to the flat to take photos. Is there even a work magazine or was that all lies too?’
‘Let me explain,’ I say, touching his arm but he snatches it away.
‘Are you going to tell me you didn’t come here and stay in the honeymoon suite and you didn’t do a mud bath with him? Like the mud bath we did?’ he says.
I think of our intimate session in the mud yesterday and a tear rolls down my face. How do I explain that mine and Luke’s session was nothing like that?
He shakes his head and starts to walk towards his car.
‘Aidan, please.’
He turns back to me and gives me a look of disappointment.
‘I can’t do this now, Izzy. I want to go home.’
‘But I haven’t even told you what happened.’
‘I don’t want to know. I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re just like Zoe.’ He walks a few steps before he turns back and I breathe with relief that he’s changed his mind. ‘Are you going to be OK – will you be able to get a taxi?’
He might not have changed his mind but he’s proved he’s the nicest person in the world for making sure that I’m going to get home OK. My heart burns in my chest.
I nod. The least I can do is to let him go when he needs to.
He turns and walks away and I stand there motionless. I watch him get in his car and speed off down the drive, leaving me in a wake of dust.
I can’t go back into the hotel, Grant made that perfectly clear, so I start walking down the long driveway. Through the tears that are rolling thick and fast, I order a taxi and that’s who I assume it is a few minutes later when my phone rings with a withheld number.
‘Hello.’
‘What the fuck have you done, Izzy?’ screams Luke down the phone.
‘I’ve fucked up my life,’ I say and I close my eyes, trying to block out the angry tirade that follows.
Welcome to February
This_Izzy_Loves IGTV
No. followers: 22.2k
Super quick one from me this time as this month is crazy busy unlike January that went on for an eternity, am I right? Luke and I had a relatively quiet month, because, again, January and everyone was broke. We didn’t do #dryjanuary because we had too much lovely gin left over from our distillery visit and also from the lovely sponsors who sent us fizz for our engagement.
Apologies for us being a bit quiet over the last few days but we’ve been hiding away from the awful weather and having lots of snuggles on the sofa. Love you all.
Chapter 32
I’ve been staring at my computer screen for so long that the words on the page seem to be flying out at me and I’m wondering if the IT department have upgraded my PC to a 3D version without me noticing. Four days have passed since Aidan found out about me and Luke and I’ve been working on autopilot.
‘Do you think Izzy can hear us?’ asks Colin.
‘I’m not entirely sure. Maybe if I talk about my buns loud enough she might. Or perhaps I can even give her a flash?… Nothing,’ says Mrs Harris, almost disappointed. ‘And I’ve got them here waiting.’
She takes the lid off the Tupperware and displays them proudly. ‘What’s the point of baking buns if no one’s going to pick me up on using a double entendre? It’s a complete waste of ingredients. Do you think I’ve been pushing The Office Has Talent act too much?’
‘I don’t think trying to persuade her to perform B*witched has left her in this state,’ says Cleo. ‘Izzy, do you want a cup of tea?’
I can hear them, but I feel removed from them like they’re far away or I’m watching them through a TV screen. I couldn’t face telling them
all the full truth of what happened, but Cleo’s guessed I’ve got trouble in both my love lives – real and virtual. I know I should talk back to them but I’ve gone into self-preservation mode where I’ve shut down everything but basic functions.
I did the same thing when Ben died. I never realised how break-ups could be so similar to grief. But I guess they are: again I’ve lost someone I loved in an instant.
The only difference is that unlike Ben’s death, I was responsible for my break-up with Aidan. I’ve come to accept over the years that I couldn’t have changed what happened to Ben. Unless I had a crystal ball and had got him to have his heart tested, there’s no way I could have prevented what happened to him. But Aidan, that look on his face, is going to be burned on my memory forever as a reminder of exactly what I did to cause him pain.
I’ve called and texted multiple times over the last few days to try and explain to him but he doesn’t respond. I’ve driven to his house but no matter when I go he’s not there, and neither is Barney and his booming bark. I’ve even been to his café but Saskia told me to leave.
‘Izzy,’ says Cleo loudly whilst nudging me at the same time.
I turn my head and try and focus on her face.
‘Izzy, do you want a cup of tea?’ she asks. ‘You’ve been working non-stop all morning.’
‘I’m at work.’
The others splutter a laugh.
‘But you haven’t stopped; we’re not that busy. If you don’t take a break then you’ll give us all a bad rep.’
I notice Mrs Harris’s look of concern.
‘I guess a coffee would be good,’ I finally say.
I expect everyone to be pleased I’ve spoken but instead someone comes walking into our office, and they all look alarmed. Mrs Harris leaps out of her chair, motioning for Colin and Cleo to join her. They form a human chain around me and I look round to see what they’re protecting me from.
‘Izzy,’ comes Luke’s voice. ‘You’ve got to speak to me eventually. I know we can’t talk here but if you won’t answer your phone, you’re leaving me with little choice. There’s only so much fire-fighting that I can do alone.’
I bend under the arms of Colin and Cleo to look at him. He looks far from the composed and styled state that I’m used to seeing. He’s got dark circles under his eyes, his skin’s pale and his quiff is lopsided.
‘I’ll come and talk to you now,’ I say.
‘Izzy, you don’t have to go anywhere,’ says Mrs Harris. It’s sweet of her to stick up for me even though she doesn’t really know what’s going on.
‘You were just saying I needed a break. I need to talk to Luke.’
I stand up and they close ranks tighter around me.
‘Really, I’ll be fine.’
‘I know where you sit, Sonny Jim,’ says Mrs Harris, pointing a menacing finger at his chest.
If he’s scared of her he doesn’t show it; he clearly doesn’t know her like I do.
I pick up my coat and follow him to the canteen.
‘I’ve managed to calm Grant down and he’s not going to say anything,’ says Luke. We sit down at the table despite not ordering anything. ‘We’ve fulfilled our obligation to him for the first contract so as long as we carry on as a couple on Instagram then he’ll have no reason to tell anyone else. Obviously you’re going to have to stop seeing Aidan. We can’t risk that happening again. We’ve got the Valentine’s Ball coming up and I know how much that means to you—’
‘Luke, I’m not doing this anymore. I’m out.’
‘What are you talking about? Grant isn’t going to tell anyone. We can carry on with the plan.’
‘Look, we were going to break up later this month anyway – why can’t we do it now? I can’t pretend anymore, Luke, this is real life. People have got hurt.’
‘More people are going to get hurt if we stop now. What about the charity?’
‘I’ll email them and explain that we’ve broken up. If it’s an amicable break-up then we could still go through with the ball as friends.’
‘Grant won’t like that. I promised him we’d be a couple for another few months so that the advertising material he’s got for the summer isn’t obsolete.’
‘Do you honestly think that I’m going to carry this on for him? What do you expect me to do – try on wedding dresses? This has gone too far, Luke. It’s not a game anymore.’
‘Is this about Aidan?’
‘Of course it’s about Aidan. I love him and now I’ve lost him. All for this stupid fantasy of becoming an influencer.’
‘It’s not a fantasy, it’s real. We’re so close, Izzy. So bloody close.’
I put my hands on my head and run my fingers through my hair. He’s not listening to a word I’m saying.
‘I’ve never stopped to think about what our actual life will look like. I’ve been too busy focusing on the short-term gain. The freebies, the money, the buzz of it all, but what’s going to happen in the future? You keep moving the boundaries of our break-up and I’m stuck in a fake relationship with you forever. I want to have my own life, to get married, have kids.’
‘I’d marry you.’
I slam my hands down on the table.
‘For fuck’s sake, Luke, listen to yourself. You want to marry me to get famous.’
‘Maybe I’m in love with you,’ he snaps.
I splutter a laugh. He looks serious but I know he can’t be.
‘Name one thing you love about me?’ I say, exasperated. He opens his mouth before shutting it again.
‘Shall I tell you what I love about Aidan?’ I say in a calm voice, not believing that he had the audacity to say that. ‘I love the way that he thinks about other people more than himself. I love the way that he talks to his dog like he’s his best friend. I love how he always has time for the people closest in his life. I love that he would do anything to make sure a person was safe, even if it was breaking his heart. I love… absolutely everything about him.’
‘And your point is?’
‘You don’t love me. You love the idea of the brand we represent. I was stupid to have gone along with this for as long as I did. But no more, Luke. We end this in the platonic way we always said we would. Why don’t we meet after work and we can plan the details?’
I see the desperation in his eyes and I wonder if he’s going to start pleading.
‘You’re going to be fine, Luke. Your star is rising and I don’t think you need me at all.’
He looks right into my eyes before he nods.
‘You’re right. I don’t need you. Fine, we end this.’
‘Thank you,’ I say, exhaling.
‘No, Izzy, thank you for everything that you’ve done for me.’
I look down at my hands and they’re shaking. I can’t believe I did that and I made him listen. At least I know that I’m no longer living a lie.
I look up at the canteen staff who all jump apart and pretend to be busy. I get the impression they listened to every word.
‘Can I get three flat whites and a skinny mocha?’ I say, walking up to the counter. One of the women nods and goes to do the order. I smile to myself for the first time in days. I didn’t realise how much I was worrying about a confrontation with Luke. I thank the woman as she places my coffees on a tray and after my scanning my pass to pay for them, I head back up to the office.
‘Blimey,’ says Mrs Harris. ‘You look a bit happier.’
‘Yes, I got things sorted.’
‘Good. Here, he’s not tried to poach you for an Office Has Got Talent act, has he? Miles would do anything to win.’
‘No, and believe me no one would try and poach me. I keep trying to tell you I am supremely untalented.’
I hand out the coffees and I sit down at my desk. I pick up my phone in the silly hope that Aidan has sent a message or returned my calls in the few minutes I’ve been away, but of course he hasn’t. The smile slides off my face. It doesn’t matter that I’ve ‘broken up’ with Luke, I’ve still l
ost Aidan.
I open Instagram, wishing I’d never started using the bloody thing and I see that I’ve got loads of new notifications which is strange because I haven’t posted anything for days. I click on the heart and see that they’re comments, and not very nice ones either: ‘Heartless Bitch’, ‘Evil Cow’, ‘Dirty Slag’ being the most polite of the bunch. But it’s not the comments that are disturbing, it’s the photo that it’s attached to. It’s only a tiny preview but I can still see quite clearly that it’s of me and Aidan kissing.
My hands start to shake and my blood runs cold when I click on it and see it. It’s the photo Luke took at our fake photoshoot of us kissing. I quickly turn my attention to the caption, which is a heartbroken emoji and the caption: ‘I can’t believe Izzy did this to me.’ That bastard. He must have posted it the second he left the canteen. I bet he had it ready to go in his drafts. This was his Plan B and the reason why he left without a fuss.
Anger pulses through my veins and I storm away from my desk, not bothering to read the comments below. I barely register the calls of my colleagues over my shoulder; nothing’s going to stop me now. I stomp down to Sales only to see Luke’s chair is empty.
‘Where’s Luke?’ I ask, my voice shaking with rage.
‘He’s gone. Can I help instead?’ asks another guy.
‘What do you mean gone?’
‘He quit, first thing this morning.’
‘What?’
‘Evil Edward’s not happy. He didn’t even give any notice period. Just walked out.’
I shake my head. He had it all planned. He kept saying that he’d been saving up to be able to quit but I didn’t realise he was close enough to whip away his security blanket.
I ring him but his phone’s off. That bastard. I can’t take that photo down as it’s on his feed and I’ve got no way of stopping the hate that’s coming my way. It’s ironic that the picture that’s ruined my Instagram career is the first truthful photo on Instagram that’s been posted of me in months, if not years.
‘Can I do anything for you?’ asks the guy again. ‘Evil Edward’s watching and he’s already on the warpath.’
‘No, I’m fine, thanks,’ I say through gritted teeth. I manage to hold it together long enough to make it back onto the stairwell. I lean on the banister and burst into tears. Just when I thought my life couldn’t fall apart any more than it had; and what’s worse is I’ve only got myself to blame.