by Anna Bell
I stare harder at it before looking up at her. ‘That’s a very good question – when did he take it?’
I try and look for clues in what I’m wearing. It’s the pale jumper that I wore on the non-date to Ted’s restaurant. My whole body tenses… he must have followed me.
‘Oh my God,’ I say, my heart starting to race. I put the phone down on the sofa and stand up, backing away from it slowly.
‘What is it?’ asks Marissa, picking up the phone and staring at the photo.
‘That was taken the night I went for dinner with Aidan. Before we were a couple, before I’d even told Luke about us.’
‘What? Are you serious?’
I nod and my brain starts to go into overdrive.
I thought Luke posting the original photo was spiteful but following me and taking photos months earlier, that’s a whole different level of pre-meditation.
‘What if he had this in mind the whole time?’ I say, my blood boiling with anger. ‘What if he wanted me to fall for someone else so he could break us up like this?’
‘Surely Luke wouldn’t have done that,’ says Marissa.
‘There’s only one way to find out.’
I pick up my handbag and reach for my keys.
‘You’re not driving anywhere,’ says Becca, snatching my keys away.
‘I’ll drive,’ says Marissa. ‘My car’s got Leah’s seat in it already.’
‘You’d do that?’ I ask.
‘Of course. Someone has to back you up,’ she says.
I smile with relief and we hurry down to the car.
Marissa straps Leah into her seat and she’s asleep within minutes. We head out of the town centre and along the Reading road.
‘What are you going to say to him?’ asks Becca.
‘I have no idea,’ I say shaking, ‘but we’ll soon find out.’
I manage to persuade Becca and Marissa to stay in the car. They’ve kept the engine running, not for fear of a quick getaway but because Leah’s still asleep and turning off the engine will apparently wake her.
‘I feel like Charlie’s Angels,’ says Marissa as I climb out the car.
‘I wish we were and then we could kick his arse,’ says Becca. ‘Which house is it? You know, in case you need back-up?’
‘That one there, with the grey window frames.’
I stomp along the pavement and bang on his door until one of his housemates answers.
‘Where’s Luke?’
‘Oh God, you didn’t get it too, did you? He’s had loads of visitors this week. FYI the clinic on Redlands Road is a good one if you want to be a bit more discreet than the hospital.’
‘Where is he?’ Not even the thought of Luke having an STI is making me any less mad.
‘Luke,’ he calls, watching me like a hawk. ‘There’s someone here to see you.’
He’s halfway down the stairs when he sees me. He stops and clings onto the banister.
‘What are you doing here? Come to beg for me back as you regret your Instagram exile?’
‘Like I really give a shit about any of that. The whole time you were planning to post those photos. You used me all along.’
I see a flash of something in his eyes and I almost think he’s enjoying this.
‘What are you going to do about it?’
I go to launch up the stairs at him, but his housemate restrains me.
‘Whoa, you don’t want to be doing that. I’m a trainee barrister and you don’t want assault on your record.’
I turn and glare at him.
‘He’s not worth it, whatever he’s done,’ he says.
I snap my head back to Luke, who’s still looking down at me from the safety of the stairs.
‘I wasn’t always going to use it; I just thought I’d take out a little insurance policy in case it went wrong, which it did. I was planning for us to have the amicable break-up.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
He’s got a smug smile on his face that I want to wipe off but I daren’t as the trainee barrister is now filming everything – for evidence or maybe in the hope that I’ll do something that’ll go viral. Whatever the reason, I put my hand out to block the camera. I’m not giving him the satisfaction.
‘You were playing with my and Aidan’s lives.’
‘And you were playing with mine too. You were never supposed to fall in love with someone. That wasn’t part of the plan.’
‘Well, one thing I’ve learnt in life is that it doesn’t usually go to plan, Luke,’ I snap before walking away. There are so many things I want to shout at him, but ultimately he’s not worth it.
I storm back to the car as fast as my jelly legs will let me.
‘Shit, Izzy, are you OK?’ asks Marissa.
‘No, just drive, please?’
She does as she’s told and Leah opens her big blue eyes at me and smiles. I smile back at her before I start to sob and then she starts to sob too and the two of us wail in the back of the car.
We drive towards Basingstoke and it isn’t long before we pass the turning to Aidan’s house. I hadn’t really connected that they lived so close together. For a second I’m tempted to go and try and talk to him, but what good would it do? He’d only tell me something I wouldn’t want to hear. The best thing I can do is move on and put all this behind me.
Welcome to May
This_Izzy_Loves IGTV
No. followers: 15.2k
Hey, everyone. I’m back to tell you my side of the story about what happened with Luke. I think it’s time you knew the unfiltered version of what was going on outside the Instagram grid.
Luke and I were never a couple. Not a couple in the way that we pretended to be. Yes, we went on dates and cooked meals for each other but we were never more than friends – if we were ever even friends. We were work colleagues who shared the same dream. We both wanted to become influencers so that we could leave our jobs – and Luke had an idea of how we might get there. He suggested we fake a relationship to boost our profiles. The moment that he posted the photo of us and the likes racked up I was seduced by the possibility and I fully went along with the idea, for which I’m really sorry.
Our whole fairy-tale romance was a lie but to be honest I was lying on my Instagram feed long before that. Half the clothes I wore on my #OutfitOfTheDay were ones that I bought and took back because I couldn’t afford to keep them. The stuff that designers sent me were often too big and I had to pin them at the back to keep them in place. I hate gin and I did a sponsorship deal with a gin company. I’m allergic to exercise and when I reviewed a fitness tracker I made my work colleagues wear it to get my impressive activity levels up. I don’t own Louboutins and any time you saw me in them, they weren’t actually my feet, they were my friends’. Most days I eat at the work canteen and I rarely cook for myself. Any home-cooked gourmet creation would have been a ready meal that I’d spent precious minutes arranging on my plate to make it look like I was a good cook. I have never uploaded an unfiltered photo of my face on Instagram. Not once. The ones I hashtagged as #nofilter were actually ones I’d doctored first in Photoshop.
So there you go, I’m a big fat liar. Or maybe I’m just an ordinary female social media user. I think we’re all guilty of manipulating and filtering our lives to give them a gloss of perfection. Only I took it a step too far. To all the brands that we worked with, I am truly sorry. I have worked hard at my day job over the last couple of months, working overtime, and I will be contacting brands to ask if they would like products back or if I can donate them to charity. Likewise, any brands that paid me money: I will return it to you or make a charitable donation in your name.
I’ve also donated to the Heart2Heart charity, which I desperately didn’t want to miss out on much-needed money after Luke and I pulled out of the charity ball. My best friends and I are going to run the Reading Half Marathon to fundraise for them too – so for once I’m going to have to start the couch to 5k and not give up after the first session.
To all of the people that liked and commented on our story, I’m so sorry if you feel deceived. We hoped that we’d be a bit of light entertainment in a gloomy world – I know we were wrong.
I no longer want to be Insta famous because I don’t like the person that Insta made me. I just want to get to know the real me again – the me without filters that doesn’t need to have every moment of my life validated. The me that would never have dreamt of lying for personal gain.
Sending my very best wishes, this is This_Izzy_Loves signing off once and for all.
Chapter 35
I’m waiting for my computer to shut down when my phone beeps. It’s a reminder from my Google calendar that I’ve booked a ticket to see Ghostbusters at the cult classic cinema club. Not that I would have forgotten. It’s the first of the new season and I’ve been debating whether to go since I got the original email last month. Being in that cinema reminds me so much of Aidan. I booked a ticket, but I still haven’t decided.
My computer finally goes silent and I sling my bag over my shoulder and wheel my chair under my desk.
‘All right for some, swanning off in the middle of the day.’
‘It’s called flexi-time, Mrs Harris – you have it too, you just never seem to use it.’
‘Hmmpf,’ she splutters and goes back to her work.
‘Have a lovely weekend, everyone,’ I call.
‘You too,’ calls Cleo and I get a wave from Colin who’s on the phone.
I don’t know why I haven’t made better use of my flexi before, but now that I’m having therapy sessions on a Friday afternoon I’ve been enjoying working a four-and-a-half day week. I don’t seem to notice that the other days are longer.
I hurry down the stairs with a spring in my step. Posting the truth on Instagram has been liberating. Yes, I got stick for it. There were a lot of angry and upset people when they realised that Luke and I had been fake, but there were also loads of lovely people that applauded my honesty.
If anything I hope it makes people think a bit more carefully about who they follow. The lines are so blurred now between advertiser and the man in the street, it’s hard to know what’s real and what’s not. Of course, Luke and I took it to the extreme but it worries me how easy it was to do.
I’m still thinking of him as I turn the corner and walk down the steps down to his old floor. The doors open and I see him walking out – for a second I wonder if I’m hallucinating, but I’m not, he’s there right in front of me.
I stop in my tracks. I haven’t seen him since that day at his house. I’d been half expecting to hear from him after I posted on Instagram about the true nature of our relationship.
‘Luke,’ I say, keeping my position halfway up the stairwell. ‘What are you doing here?’
He takes a step towards my staircase and narrows his eyes.
‘Do you have any idea what you did with your little stunt?’
There’s an unpleasant lilt to his voice and I almost wish we had his barrister friend still with us.
‘Little stunt?’ I say, trying to sound calm.
‘Yeah, do you know how many followers I’ve lost since your post? Brands have dropped me. You know that I do this fulltime now, don’t you – it’s my job.’
He runs his fingers through his hair, sending his quiff lopsided.
‘You should never have posted those photos of me and Aidan. All I did was try and set the record straight.’
‘Well, thanks, Izzy. Thanks a lot.’
He gives me a cold hard stare and I can hear my heart thundering in my chest.
He turns and stomps down the stairs towards the entrance. I clutch the handrail tight and take some deep breaths, waiting for my quivering legs to be steady enough to move. The odd person brushes past me as they go on their lunch break and eventually I compose myself. I pass the Sales floor and the doors fly open and Luke’s colleague that I spoke to after he quit walks out. He smiles at me and I try and smile back and we walk down the stairs together.
‘Hey, did I see Luke back in the building today?’
‘Yeah, would you believe he came in to ask for his old job back?’
My chest grows tighter. I couldn’t imagine potentially running into him every day.
‘Did he get it?’
‘Did he hell! My boss is fuming that he quit without notice – he’ll only give him a basic reference too.’
‘Oh dear.’
‘Yeah, I would feel sorry for him, but he landed us all extra work until he was replaced.’
‘Any idea what he’s going to do now?’
‘I think he said he was going to try the old estate agent’s he worked for.’
I can’t suppress a grin as this is the best thing I’ve heard in ages. Obviously I’d never want to ruin someone’s career but after what he did to me I can’t help feeling the tiniest bit vindicated that he got what he deserved.
I’m pleased that that part of my life has got the closure it needed – now I just need to sort out the other loose ends.
‘I know I should have come here a long time ago,’ I say, taking a deep breath, thinking that I’ve become a cliché. A cool breeze blows around my shoulders and I wish I’d worn a coat. I got lulled into thinking it was spring when I’d seen the blue skies and sunshine overhead. ‘You know, I’ve started to go to therapy because of you. To be honest I should have done it a long time ago. It’s nice talking about yourself to a stranger. I mean, talking the truth about what’s really going on in my head to a stranger, not like the lies I used to tell on Instagram stories.
‘I miss you. I really fucking miss you and it hurts like hell. Every day. And I never ever told you that I loved you, and I did. You knew that, right?’
Tears sting in my eyes and I take a deep breath. I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry. That isn’t what this was about.
‘Everything around me is changing. Mum and Dad have accepted an offer on their house, Becca’s agreed to move in with Gareth and I’m going to get an unknown flatmate. Life is going on and it’s changing and I’ve got to stop being scared. I can’t be frozen in a moment anymore. I can’t live wishing that I could turn back time. I would do anything to turn back the clock, but I can’t. So I have to move forward and I’m going to do it and I’m going to make you proud. I’ve realised that it doesn’t have to be with Instagram. I know you’d be proud of whatever I was doing as long as I was proud of myself.
‘I love you, Ben, and I always will.’
It feels so weird to tell him I love him out loud but at the same time it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I put the bunch of daffodils that I brought with me and lay them next to the tree and look out at the view over the park. He’d always loved this spot when we were kids. We’d spend hours under this very tree having picnics, trying to climb it, acting out The Princess Bride from sticks that had fallen from its branches. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of coming here before.
I sit down and rest my back against the trunk and I watch the world going by. Mothers pushing prams around. Dog walkers getting their arms pulled off by their dogs. It’s so full of life here and I can’t think of a better spot to remember Ben.
I’m slowly learning to accept that I might not be OK for a long time but that eventually, whilst I won’t ever forget him and I won’t ever miss him less, I’ll learn to live with the empty feeling. But finding ways to be closer to him help.
A big yellow Labrador bounds across the park and for a minute I hold my breath until I see a woman walking behind it. I try to hide my disappointment that it’s not Barney.
I pull a book out of my bag to distract myself. I’m halfway through it and I’m loving it. Since I quit social media I have so much free time and I’d forgotten how much I loved reading. It’s the perfect thing to do in a bid to be kind to myself after an emotionally exhausting therapy session.
‘Are you sure you don’t want us to come with you?’ asks Becca.
I look at her and Gareth curl
ed up on the sofa.
‘Nah, I’ll be fine. I can’t imagine it’s going to be your thing. Plus it’s a sell-out.’
‘See you later on then,’ she says. ‘Call us if you need us.’
‘Thanks, see you later.’
I shut the door and head downstairs towards my car. I’d booked the ticket on autopilot, pleased that it was the original Ghostbusters, another one of mine and Ben’s childhood classics. But since I booked the ticket I’ve thought more and more about Aidan. It’s so much our place but I’ve decided that there’s only one way to get over that and that’s to go. I’ve already become the new and improved me and I’ve realised I’m strong enough to do most things and I certainly ain’t afraid of no ghosts: ex-boyfriend or ectoplasmic.
By the time I walk through the door into the cinema my bravery is waning. The smell of popcorn drifts over to me and I can’t help but be hit by the memories of last summer.
I grit my teeth, buy some chocolates and head on into the screening room. It’s already quite busy and I head towards the back, trying to keep my head down so that the not so friendly usher doesn’t clock me.
I flinch as the doors open and more people walk in but none of them are Aidan. The lights finally go down and the trailers start to play and I stop watching the door and try to get lost in the movie, which is surprisingly easy to do.
The end credits roll and I’m pleased with myself that I managed to make it through a film here. I take my empty chocolate box and head out past the usher who glares at me. I want to tell him that I haven’t even got my phone on me – it’s in the car – but he still scares me so I hurry into the lobby instead.
‘Izzy?’
I turn and see Aidan holding a stripy white-and-blue bag of pic ‘n’ mix.
‘You weren’t in the middle, so I thought you weren’t here,’ he says.
‘Thought it was time for a change.’
He smiles and my heart melts.
‘You’re looking well,’ he says.
‘So are you. Have you been away somewhere?’
‘Yeah, I’ve been up in Scotland. I developed an app for a museum up there, and whilst I didn’t need to be there, I thought a change of scene for a couple of months would do me good. Everything that happened with us… it reminded me of how things ended with Zoe and it put me back in a bad place.’