by Devney Perry
Another barely there nod and I resumed my work. And my story.
“Your neighbor wanted you to have a tea light. And she wanted me to tell you welcome to the Candle Palace. It’s what she calls the unit.”
I finished the last of the dressing changes on Milo’s torso, smoothing his gown back into place. The band on his boxers was pushed down low, a trail of hair wending from his navel down. My eyes lingered, dropping lower and— Sara! My face was so hot I felt sweat beading at my temples.
Damn it, I was a nurse. A man’s naked form was no mystery. It was just pubic hair. Behind those boxers, it was just a penis. So why was I staring like it was the queen’s jewels behind that green plaid cotton?
Most male patients didn’t even bother with underwear. They let their gowns and hospital blankets cover up their naked bodies. But most had catheters at this point in their recovery, when they were in too much pain to get up from the bed.
Not Milo.
After yesterday’s procedure, he’d told Dr. Vernon the catheter had to go. Dr. Vernon had refused to take it out, so Milo had declared he’d do it himself.
His hand had been inches away from a swift yank when Dr. Vernon had swatted Milo’s hand away and begrudgingly taken out the catheter.
Men. It had to hurt to jostle himself in and out of bed just to use the bathroom, but Milo was determined.
Teresa had come in an hour later with a plastic Target bag and two six-packs of Hanes loose-fit boxers.
“Why?” Milo grunted.
Why? Why what? My eyes widened and my body tensed. What had we even been talking about? I’d gotten lost in a haze of Milo’s boxers. “Huh?”
“The Candle Palace. Why does she call it that?”
“Oh.” My spine melted as my fears ebbed. “Oh, it’s just a nickname.”
“It’s more than that. Tell me,” he pleaded. “Please.”
The pain reliever must have been working because his eyes were still closed but not scrunched up tight. His hands were no longer balled into fists. And his agonized grunts were now discernible words.
“I don’t want you to think she’s insensitive. It’s a little morbid.”
“I’m a cop.”
So he’d seen morbid? “Um . . .”
“I won’t think she’s insensitive.”
I blew out a long breath. “She thinks of everyone here as a candle. Literally. This place is far from a palace, but she’s a teenager and sarcasm is running through her veins. So . . . the Candle Palace.”
“The Candle Palace.” The corner of his mouth turned up. “It’s clever. And morbid. I like it.”
“Don’t tell anyone else. Please. I don’t think others would understa—”
“Sara.” My name in his rich timbre made my knees weak. Had he said my name yesterday? No. I would have remembered it. In his voice, it didn’t sound dull. “The secret’s safe.”
“Thanks,” I breathed, my chest heaving, my cheeks flaming hot once more.
I had to get out of here before he saw the effect he was having on me. Before he saw through my flimsy façade to the attraction I was failing miserably to hide.
I gathered up all of the soiled dressings, balling them in the pad set by Milo’s feet. Then I deposited them in the trash can, followed by my gloves.
At the sink, I washed my hands with fury, letting the noise of the water drown out any stray sounds. Simply being in Milo’s room made me jittery. I was not a good nurse to him when my heart raced at the sound of his voice. When his natural woodsy scent made me light-headed.
I finished with my hands, knowing the right thing to do would be to turn around, say good-bye and find Kym to make an assignment change. But when I turned around, his dark eyes were waiting.
They pleaded with me not to go.
“I have to.”
Milo’s forehead furrowed. “Hmm?”
“Go. I have to go,” I recovered, barely. “I’ll, uh, be back when Dr. Vernon is ready for your arms.”
Milo’s eyes turned to the ceiling. The look of peace he’d had moments ago faded to dread.
The urge to rush to his side, to hold his hand and promise this pain wouldn’t last forever, was so strong I took one step forward before I stopped myself.
“We’re back.”
My head whipped around as Teresa and Kirk walked into the room, both carrying cups of coffee. With a small smile, I ducked past them and escaped into the hall. The air was lighter out here, the hallway bright and clean. I’d gotten lost in the warm darkness of Milo’s room.
But, standing here, I knew.
I had to remove myself as his nurse.
My shoulders fell as I trudged down the hallway to the nurses station, catching a glimpse of Kym as she ducked into one of her patients’ rooms.
What would I give her as a reason? What would she say? This was ludicrous. Silly. Was I really going to throw our entire day out of whack because of a little attraction?
I was a professional. I could remain a professional, at least until the end of the day. Absolutely.
By the time I made it to the nurses station, I had a plan. I’d stick today out, help Dr. Vernon with Milo today and tomorrow, and then I’d simply ask for the other side when we were dividing up rooms.
There would be no need for an awkward explanation. I was only mixing it up. Kym would buy that, wouldn’t she?
I hoped so, because my only other option would be to admit I had a crush on a patient.
And that was not happening. I loved my job, thank you very much. I wanted to keep it.
A weight came off my shoulders as I continued to the nurses station to do my charting. This plan of mine was full of wins. I’d get to appreciate Milo’s handsome face from a distance. I’d be able to keep tabs on his recovery. And the ultimate win: when he eventually left, I wouldn’t be heartbroken.
I stayed away from Milo’s room for an hour, working on charting, checking on my other patients and spending time with Luna. I was coming out of her room when Dr. Vernon found me in the hallway.
“Oh, Sara. There you are.” He stood too close as he spoke. “I’m ready for you in 503.”
I shuffled away six inches. When I’d first met Dr. Vernon, I’d thought he was a close talker. That person who had never quite learned the invisible line of a person’s bubble. But now . . . I wasn’t so sure. “Okay, great. Lead the way.”
Two hours later, Dr. Vernon had finished debriding both of Milo’s arms, finding the burn damage was worse than he’d hoped.
“Watch fluids closely,” Dr. Vernon told me after we’d brought Milo back to his room.
“Okay.” I was exhausted from the procedure, my shoulders and back stiff from hovering over Milo and collecting the discarded tissue. I’d sat through longer debriding procedures before, but this . . . this one had hurt.
Teresa and Kirk weren’t the only ones experiencing sympathy pains.
I felt wrung out, like I’d run a marathon without any training. I wanted a shower and a nap. I wanted a large vodka tonic, my pajamas and a few uninterrupted hours on my couch to watch TV and unwind. But I still had one more hour left on my shift.
“I’ll give him another dose of morphine in his IV to help him rest.” Dr. Vernon ran a hand through his nearly black hair, combing it away from his forehead with his fingers. He looked as exhausted as I felt. “Call me if you need anything.”
“I will,” I promised.
“I’m worried about fluids. Those arm burns are worse than the ones on his torso. The seeping should have slowed by now, but it’s just as bad as it was when he got here.”
The knot in my stomach tightened. “What can we do?”
“Keep his saline bag running on full. Get him to drink more. Push the calories too.”
“Okay.” The second Dr. Vernon left, I was calling Food Service to get Milo a protein shake. Then I’d sit there and make sure he drank it. And a glass of water. And then ate a banana.
“Thanks, Sara.” Dr. Vernon placed his hand over m
y arm, squeezing my bicep. He smiled, dropped his hand before the warmth could sink beneath my scrubs, then turned and walked away.
The touch was purely platonic. Simply a friendly gesture of camaraderie after a long day. Maybe my paranoia toward Dr. Vernon’s advances was my mind running rampant. Maybe he was socially awkward. I already knew I was. Maybe the anxiety I’d had around him lately had just been our awkward bubbles bumping into one another.
He was a good doctor. His aggressive approach to treating burns might be brutal, but patients left with minimal scarring from their injuries. Maybe what I needed to do was give Dr. Vernon the benefit of the doubt. To stop condemning him after every encounter.
The rest of the day went by quickly. After Milo drank his protein shake and ate a banana, he fell asleep from the added pain medication. I checked on him frequently over the last hour of my shift, and by the time the evening shift had arrived to take over, I was more than ready to go home.
I collected my things from the locker room and popped in to say good night to Luna. She was watching a sitcom on her laptop, giggling vivaciously, a sound that gave me renewed energy. I left her laughing and headed for the elevators, but as I passed Milo’s door, it beckoned me inside.
His room was dark. His parents had gone. I thought he might still be asleep, but as I came closer, he opened his eyes.
“How are you?” I asked. “Can I get you anything before I leave?”
He shook his head, the movement barely noticeable, as his eyes drifted shut again.
“Will your parents be back?”
He sighed. “I told them to go home.”
“Home, home? Or the hotel?”
“Montana.”
I frowned but had learned my lesson earlier today. It wasn’t my place. “Just call for a nurse if you need any help to the bathroom.”
He stayed perfectly still, his chest barely rising and falling with his breath, and I took his silence as my cue to leave.
But before I could turn away—before I could go home and come back tomorrow as Milo’s former nurse—his hand reached out and took my elbow.
The touch was scorching. Tingles ran up my elbow and spread like fireworks through my shoulders. Even with layers of gauze on his hands and the long-sleeved thermal I wore beneath my scrub top, the touch was so powerful it stole my breath.
“You used to sit with her? My neighbor?” he asked.
“I did.”
His lashes lifted, and the misery in those dark pools sent a stabbing pain through my chest. “Will you sit with me too?”
The right answer was no.
But my heart whispered, “Yes.”
Three
“Go home.”
“Milo—”
“Go home, Mom.” He held her stare. “Please.”
“Things at home can wait.”
“It’s useless for you to sit here and watch me leak through bandages.”
“You’ll have your skin grafts before too long,” Teresa said.
“Those are weeks away.”
Kirk shook his head. “We aren’t leaving you here alone. It’s not an option.”
“I’m not alone,” Milo shot back. “I have Sara.”
There was no mistaking the intimacy of Milo’s statement.
My mouth fell open as all eyes in the room turned to me. When Dr. Vernon’s gaze narrowed, I dropped my hand from the railing on Milo’s bed.
I have Sara.
He could have reminded his parents he had a team of nurses and doctors to care for him. Nope. I have Sara. Spoken as if we were a couple. As if I were his guardian angel, here to keep him safe as he recovered.
The flutter in my chest was impossible to ignore. I liked hearing those words. Then again, that flutter was probably going to get me fired, so it wasn’t all good. Torn, I dropped my eyes to the floor and searched for the right words.
I could promise his parents I’d stick by Milo’s side and they had nothing to worry about. It was true and would ease their fears about returning to Montana. And I almost made that promise, except for Dr. Vernon’s unwavering stare. If Milo’s statement held too much intimacy, that promise would only make things worse.
I swallowed hard and raised my chin, avoiding eye contact with Dr. Vernon and Milo as I focused on Kirk and Teresa.
“Not all patients here have family members stay. If you need to get back to work, we’ll take care of Milo. Me. Dr. Vernon. The entire staff here. He’s in good hands.”
That statement seemed to appease Dr. Vernon some. His stare had softened. But from a foot away, I felt every muscle in Milo’s body string tight. His jaw clamped shut with an audible tick.
Damn it. This was all because I’d started spending my evenings with Milo.
In the past week, I hadn’t missed a single one. I would come into his room after my shift and sit with him while he ate. Often, I’d go down to the cafeteria and get my own meal so we could eat together.
We didn’t talk much. We’d watch television. One night, I brought in a book to read.
I kept Milo’s guest chair filled after his parents left for their hotel. At first, I’d gotten some strange looks from the evening nurses. But I simply smiled and made sure they saw me go into Luna’s room too.
I’d hoped I was fooling everyone. That they all thought I was spending extra time with two of my favorite patients. Maybe I was.
But there was no fooling my heart. And no fooling Milo.
I was here because there was something about him I couldn’t leave behind.
I’d had a plan to step away, but every morning, I couldn’t bring myself to ask to work on the other side of the unit.
Tomorrow was my first day off in a week and I wasn’t sure how I’d get through a day without Milo’s smile.
It wasn’t big and flashy, but the way his brown eyes would sparkle made it the brightest smile I’d ever seen. He barely showed his straight, white teeth when he grinned. He had a dimple on the right side, but not the left. All mixed together, his smile was gentle. It was kind, like his eyes.
That smile was more addicting than any drug in this hospital.
That smile was the reason I’d let myself get carried away.
“We’ll leave you alone to talk,” Dr. Vernon told Milo and his parents. Then he shot me a look that screamed Hallway. Now.
I skirted around the bed, giving Kirk and Teresa a nod on my way out. I didn’t look at Milo. I wasn’t brave enough to see the disappointment and anger lurking there.
Couldn’t he see? I had to draw that line. I had to at least pretend I hadn’t already crossed a different one. Ugh. What was wrong with me? I shouldn’t even be in this position.
Dr. Vernon held the door and let me walk out first. Then he closed it behind him as he came into the hallway, crossing his arms over his chest. The white coat he wore stretched across his arms.
“Is there something going on between you and your patient?”
“What? No.” Oh my God, my face was on fire. I was a terrible liar.
How could I have been so dumb? Dr. Vernon could report me to Human Resources. I could lose everything. And for what? A handsome patient I’d known only a week and who lived in Montana. There was no future there. Milo and me—
No. Stop. What was I thinking? There was no Milo and me.
“He’s my patient,” I told Dr. Vernon. “I was keeping him company.”
“You hover over him.”
“I’m trying to keep him comfortable. He’s in pain and his injuries . . .” More excuses came to mind but I left them unsaid.
Dr. Vernon studied my face with the scrutiny of a tenured interrogator. It took every ounce of willpower not to cower and admit to my crush on Milo, but somehow, I managed to hold strong.
“He’s had a rough week,” I finished. “I want to help.”
Dr. Vernon stayed quiet, that level gaze traveling all over my face. Until finally, he looked over my shoulder to Milo’s door. “Be careful. Patients can become attached to their c
are providers. I’ve had female patients develop feelings for me before and it’s always hard to maintain boundaries.”
I nodded. “Okay. I’ll keep that in mind, Dr. Vernon.”
“Greg.” He stepped so close the front of his lab coat brushed against my scrubs. I could smell the soap on his skin, and the spicy, overpowering odor made my nose burn. “You can call me Greg when we’re alone.”
Greg? No way. He would stay Dr. Vernon and I would reinforce that professional boundary. I moved away, forcing a smile. “Thanks for the advice.”
“Anytime, Sara. Between us, it’s much easier to fall for a coworker than it is a patient. We can simply change jobs. Move units in the hospital. No one has to quit.”
“Right.” Wait, what? Did he just admit he’d fallen for me? Or was he talking about a coworker from the past? My mind whirled as I kept replaying the director of Human Resource’s new-employee orientation. She’d reminded us three times about the no-fraternization policy.
Only a week ago I’d decided to cut Dr. Vernon some slack, and things had been great. But his last statement brought back that familiar twitch and it was stronger than ever.
“I, um . . . I better go check in on Luna.”
He nodded. “See you in a while.”
I sidestepped him and walked toward Luna’s door. Three steps away, an itchy feeling crawled down my spine. Glancing over my shoulder, I caught Dr. Vernon’s eyes darting for the ceiling. Had he been checking out my ass?
Resisting the urge to tug my scrub top lower, I quickened my pace and darted into Luna’s room. The moment I was out of Dr. Vernon’s sight, I shivered from head to toe like I was trying to shake off a bug.
When I looked up to meet Luna’s gaze, she was covering a smile with her hand.
“How are you?” I walked over to her bedside.
“Fine.” She snorted. “What was that?”
“Nothing.” I waved her off. “I had the creepers.”
“Dr. Vernon?”
“What?” My eyes bugged out. I leaned in closer, checking over my shoulder, then whispered, “How’d you know?”
Luna shrugged. “He creeps me out too.”
“No,” I gasped. My heart plummeted into my stomach and the world tilted sideways. “Has he said something to you? Has he made you—”