Setting the photo back on the pile, she replaced the lid and slid the box back into place on the floor. She clutched the cardigan and stood. The past would stay locked up tight, where it could do no harm.
15
Josh pulled open the door and gave a quick wave to the young woman behind the counter before he sat at a bistro table in the Dahlia’s Delights Bakery. He was a few minutes early for his meeting with Senna. No way was he going to be late and risk her thinking that he stood her up. She’d probably bolt, and then he’d be left without the answers that he needed.
He drummed his fingers on the bistro table near the display counter and glanced out the window that faced the boardwalk. During the summer, the boardwalk bustled with people. This area of the beach was a popular stop for visitors to the island. People came from other towns on the island just to hang out at this section of the boardwalk.
Now that it was mid-September, the busy tourist season was over. The teens who usually strolled this strip of land were back in school and didn’t have time to hangout. He enjoyed the fall months. This was the time of year that his work became more fun, more creative. With the tourist season dramatically slowing, the owners of the houses took this time to alter their landscaping, work on their backyard areas, or add pools and jacuzzies.
Everything was going great in his life, so why was anxious tension building in his stomach?
He knew why. Senna.
His feelings for Senna played havoc on his heart and in his head. Just being in the bakery brought memories to mind. He glanced at the bistro table near the window and recalled their first kiss. They’d been flirting and teasing each other for months. Everyone assumed they were together, but they hadn’t discussed their relationship. There was nothing official about them. They hadn’t even kissed yet.
One day that summer, a guy who was visiting Avenel payed too much attention to Senna. Josh could still picture the punk’s face in his mind. He’d heard the girls talking about how cute the guy was, and that bugged him to no end. But when Senna flirted back with the guy, he saw red.
He’d suddenly realized that he didn’t have a claim to her. They weren’t officially together, even if she already held his heart. She was free to do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted. That truth motivated the hell out of him.
The bakery had been packed, and Senna shared a chair with Dahlia. He’d marched over to her, took her hand in his and gave a gentle tug. She’d stood, her blue eyes growing larger, and asked, “What’s up?”
At that question, he’d slid his hand into her hair, wrapped his other hand around her waist, and pulled her close. Their lips touched and ignited a fire in him that bonded her to his heart. The bakery had grown quiet as everyone stared at them.
After the kiss, he’d said, “I love you. Let’s make us official.”
The sweetest blush had brightened her face as she scanned the bakery and then looked into his eyes. With her mouth slightly open in shock, she nodded and said, “Yeah, okay.”
They’d hustled out of the bakery and found a sand dune. They’d kissed for what felt like hours. He’d been so hard that it hurt to walk, but he’d suffer that discomfort again for the pleasure of her kiss. He’d thought he could hold her in his arms forever. He’d been wrong.
So now, he was helpless against the lure of that spot. Standing, he strode across the bakery and settled into the chair. He’d sorted her into the ‘past’ files in his mind and did his best to never think about her, but when he’d seen her at the grocery store, all those ‘past’ files spilled from their hiding place and cluttered his mind.
He tapped his thumb on the table. He hadn’t thought about that night in years. He couldn’t help but wonder, when everything was quiet, did she think about that night? Their first kiss? Their first caress?
He needed to get over her, but first he needed to get answers. Then he’d be free to move on.
His heart throbbed in his chest when he spotted Senna strolling down the boardwalk. She was as beautiful as ever in her jeans and blouse. Her honey brown hair danced in the gentle ocean breeze. Her curves were on display in the jeans. In high school, there was little cushion anywhere on her, but as a woman, her curves made his fingers ache to explore the hills and valleys of her body.
He stood as she neared. He wasn’t sure what to do. Should he push open the door for her or let her open it on her own? If he did open the door for her, would she be offended or think that he was turning this into a date?
He decided to do the chivalrous thing and took the two steps to the door. The chime jingled as he pushed open the door. “Hey,” he said as she stepped past him. “You look nice.”
One side of her mouth curved up in a smile while the skin between her brows crinkled as her brows pulled together. “Thanks,” she replied.
The words fell from his lips without a thought, but when they hung in the air, and he read her face, he realized his mistake. He shouldn’t have said that simply because it was something one says to a crush or a lady of interest.
The scent of Senna’s perfume curled around him. If this wasn’t a date, why the hell did she put on perfume? Her subconscious must have nudged her to spritz on the alluring scent. He wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or a bad one.
“Hi,” she replied, glancing between the counter and Josh. She was shocked that Dahlia wasn’t at the counter waiting for her arrival with a tub of popcorn and a large soda to enjoy the show. Although Dalia wasn’t behind the counter, she knew she’d show up.
Josh tilted his head towards the pastries. “Shall we get something to go?”
“Sounds good,” Senna countered. Feeling a little awkward, she made her way to the desserts and looked at the options. Dahlia’s Delights offered a wide variety of sweets. Everything from pastries to cookies to cakes.
She glanced over her shoulder towards Josh. “We’re eating outside, right?”
He nodded. “Yes, if that’s okay with you. I figured we’d have a little more privacy.” He knew that if they talked in the bakery, Dahlia would spend way too much time ‘cleaning’ in the front part of store so she could eavesdrop.
Making eye contact with the young woman behind the counter, Senna said, “Could I have a hot chocolate and a chocolate, chocolate-chip cookie?” The cookie would be easy to eat, and the hot chocolate would keep the chill from the ocean breeze at bay.
“Of course,” the young woman said as she pulled a wax paper sheet free from the box. She picked up the cookie and then grabbed a small white bag and dropped the cookie into it. She set it by the register and then turned to make the hot chocolate.
Dahlia swept through the swinging door from the kitchen area. “Hello,” she practically cheered. “I thought I heard your voice out here.” She gave Senna a suggestive smile. Then she looked at Josh. “Hey there, Josh. It’s good to see you again.”
He nodded and said, “Good to see you, too.” He prayed Dahlia would behave herself and not make a big deal out of them being there together. Things were already tense enough.
She motioned to the sweets in the display counter. “What would you like, Josh? I’ll get that while Laurel makes the hot chocolate.”
He wasn’t a huge sweet eater, but he did love Dahlia’s brownies. They were dense and had a fudgy moist consistency. “How about a brownie. And is the coffee decaf?”
“It is,” Dahlia replied. She grabbed the wax paper sheet and picked up the brownie.
Josh shook his head. “I don’t need a bag. I’ll just carry it.” The brownie would be gone within a few bites.
“Okay,” Dahlia handed the brownie over the display counter towards him. He grabbed it.
Laurel set the hot chocolate near the register and asked, “Is this together?”
Senna answered, “Separate,” at the same time that Josh replied, “Together.”
Laurel glanced between the two and smiled. She hadn’t been on a date in forever. A part of her wondered if she’d ever trust someone enough to date again. Sh
e hoped so. She was too young to give up on finding love.
“I’ll pay for my own,” Senna stated. She glanced over her shoulder at Josh with a warning stare.
He gave a subtle nod and reminded himself that this wasn’t a date and that he wasn’t a terrible gentleman for not paying for her order. “Of course,” he replied.
Dahlia could feel the sparks between Josh and Senna crackling in the air. They were kidding themselves if they didn’t think this was a date. There was so much Dahlia wanted to say, but she cringed when she pictured Senna’s face if she let out her thoughts. She settled with, “I hope you enjoy your food,” and the cheesiest smile known to man.
16
“How’s this?” Josh asked, motioning towards one of the benches along the boardwalk.
“Perfect,” Senna replied. She eased onto the bench with her hot chocolate in one hand and her cookie in the other. She gave him a smile as he sat down beside her.
He took a sip of his decaf coffee and looked out at the ocean. It’s dance with the moon was timeless. Living in Avenel taught him that he could always rely on the crash of waves upon the sand, the rise and fall of the tide, and the vastness of things unknown to him.
The ocean teemed with life of all kinds and sizes that worked together to balance Earth’s ecosystem. From the massive whales to the microscopic phytoplankton, it was a delicate cycle. Even though the phytoplankton were insignificant in size, without them, life in the ocean would come to a deadly stop.
There was a balance to life on land, too. A dance between male and female that kept life and love alive. Just as he couldn’t see the phytoplankton, he couldn’t grasp what had happened to end his relationship with Senna all those years ago. When she’d left for the summer, things had been great between them. He’d thought that she loved him as much as he loved her.
He’d been wrong.
As seniors in high school, he’d been consumed by her. The playful smirk that tied his stomach in knots. The way she moved, smoothly, in a rhythm that kept him hypnotized on her beauty. The heated look in her eyes that revealed her passion for him.
But he’d misjudged her feelings. What he’d thought was love between them was something that she’d enjoyed but didn’t need. She’d walked away without a care. Not even the pathetic, ‘It’s me, not you,’ excuse.
Nada.
He needed answers. He took a sip of coffee. The flavor danced on his tongue as he thought about what to say. How could he get the answers he wanted without looking like a fool? Like a man who held a flame for someone who’d dropped him so effortlessly.
He was pathetic.
“Thanks for meeting with me,” he said. He broke off a section of brownie and popped it into his mouth. He took comfort in the fact that this conversation would clear up a few things. Even if he didn’t like her answers, he was a grown man and could accept them. That didn’t mean that he’d agree or even understand, but at least he’d know her thought process. Then he could move on.
“Of course.” Senna nodded and rested her cup of hot chocolate on her thigh. The heat of the liquid warmed the cup, which in turn warmed her hand and kept the chill at bay.
She took a bite of her cookie. She knew the cookie was fabulous, but as her stomach tumbled with anxiety, the cookie failed to bring her satisfaction.
As they talked, their light banter was squelched as a heavy cloud of regret weighed on them. Neither wanted to bring up the reason for their meeting. Fear and insecurity made their polite words feel forced, awkward.
As she finished her cookie, she let out a heavy sigh and continued, “I’m sorry for how things ended between us after high school.” Part of her felt stupid apologizing for her actions from a decade ago, but the shredding of a heart leaves nasty scars. If she could heal the scars of his heart, she owed that to him.
Josh scrunched up the wax paper sheet in his hand and gripped it in his fist. He shifted so he could see more easily into her eyes. He didn’t like the pain on her face. The skin around her eyes was tense and tight. Her lips were pressed together in a flat line.
Was that from concern? Fear? Hatred for him?
He snorted to himself. No, she couldn’t hate him. He hadn’t done anything to hate him for. But why had she left him without any answers? Why had she tossed him aside without a single response? He’d called, texted, done everything he could think of to get a response from her. All he got was silence.
“I need some answers,” he began. “And I’m begging you to tell me the truth.”
Her brows pinched together. The truth? That’s exactly what she didn’t want to tell him. She didn’t want the truth to be known. She didn’t want her pain to morph into kindling for the town’s gossip.
He continued, “Even if you think you’ll hurt me, I want to know… everything. We’re both grown adults. I can handle whatever you throw at me. I just want the truth. What were you thinking when you ignored me? Left me without a word?”
She looked out at the ocean to avoid his penetrating gaze. She swallowed hard. She wanted to tell him to forget about hearing the truth from her. That she had the right to her privacy. That he didn’t have the power to demand answers from her, but then she thought about the tender touch of his embrace. How she’d always melted into him when they were together. How much she’d loved him. How much they’d lost.
Did she owe him that information, or should she spare him the pain? The loss.
She wished she could spare herself the pain, but she couldn’t. If only she hadn’t taken the pregnancy test. If she’d just waited a few more weeks, so much pain would have been avoided. Would they have dated through college and be married now?
She’d messed everything up when she cut him out of her life. If she could go back in time and do things differently, she would. Could she be honest now, or did her past choices force her to live with the lie?
“You’re hesitating,” he spoke up. “Really, I want the truth,” he said with conviction. “Was there someone else?”
He couldn’t help but think that she’d fallen for someone as soon as she got to California. Had their relationship been so superficial that she could replace him without giving him the courtesy of a break up call?
Her heart thudded in her chest. Was there someone else? The question ate at her. Yes, there had been, but not in the way he would think. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. She saw the pain on his face, and she wanted to cry.
She’d screwed everything up.
All of her wounds were ripped open again at the disappointment in his eyes. She thought that she’d dealt with the pain, with the loss, but her feelings about the miscarriage were jumbled and guilt ate at her.
His lips pressed together in a frown, and he nodded. “There was,” he stated it as if it were fact. He leaned back on the bench and stared at the ocean, unable to look her in the face.
“How long did you date him?” he asked. Did she discard him for a guy she barely knew? Had she tossed him aside for a fling?
The anger on his face stung. It revealed his true thoughts towards her. He thought she was a cheater. She couldn’t live with that.
“It’s not like that,” she said softly.
“Then what’s it like?” he muttered. Bitterness laced his words.
She took a deep breath, inhaling the soothing scent of the ocean. People tried to capture the scent in perfumes, but it was never quite right. Just like this meeting wasn’t quite right. From a distance, they looked like lovers spending quality time together, but in reality, they were former lovers dealing with the sins of the past.
“Everything I did, I did for your protection,” Senna stated. He needed to know that. That she acted out of love.
He snorted and narrowed his eyes. “My protection? That makes no sense. Abandoning me? Shutting me out? How did that protect me?” He scoffed and shook his head, unable to continue eye contact. “Believe it or not, you broke my heart.” He hadn’t planned on getting mad, letting her see how she’d hurt hi
m, but her chutzpah to say that she destroyed his heart for his own protection gutted him.
“Hmm,” she mumbled. Her heart beat against the walls of her chest, creating a frantic friction that initiated a heat that began in her chest and seeped outwards through her extremities.
“God, do you really want the truth?” she muttered.
“What? You don’t think I can handle the truth?” he sneered.
She shook her head. “That’s not it. Once I say the words, I can’t take them back.”
“How bad can it be?” he snorted. “Right now, I think you had a fling with some asshole and tossed me aside like I was nothing.”
Senna flinched. His words physically hurt her, like she’d been slapped across the face or socked in the stomach. She swallowed and took the time to collect her thoughts. She couldn’t live knowing that he thought the absolute worst of her. He was right. He was a grown man. He needed to know that truth.
“I’ll start at the beginning.”
“That’s the perfect place to start,” he replied in an acidic tone.
She took a sip of hot chocolate and held the cup with both hands in her lap. This wasn’t going to be easy, but she already regretted shutting him out a decade ago. If he wanted to know the truth, she wasn’t going to deny him that.
“Do you remember our field trip to Washington D.C.?” she asked.
How could he forget it? That was the first time they’d made love. “Of course,” he replied. “How could I forget it?”
She knew she never would. She could imagine herself in his arms again. They’d been on a park bench just like the one they were sitting on now. Only ten years ago, their making-out had turned into making love.
He continued, “That was the first time we made love.” There, he said the word. Love. She couldn’t play ignorant to how seriously he took their relationship.
She nodded. Her hands shook with fear. What if he got mad? What if he blamed her? What if he could never forgive her for the miscarriage? Once she spoke the truth, she would have to live with the consequences.
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