Let go of any thoughts of perfection or bliss or becoming the perfect mindfulness meditation person. When obstacles arise, learn to note them. Let them be, without identifying with them or believing them. That is all you really need to do.
It doesn’t work for me. I can’t get it right.
Listen to yourself, mindfully. What is the tone of voice of that statement? What feelings are present inside when you look deeply with kind awareness?
This concern represents a very common experience for almost everyone who takes up meditation (or anything else). The experience is one of inaccurate and unrealistic expectations followed by harsh judgment and waves of self-criticism, frustration, and despair.
These are some more of those strong habits that are completely revealed by the light of mindfulness. When they arise in you, just note them. Let them be. Let the thoughts, or the sensations, or whatever become the object of mindfulness. Practice kindness and acceptance for what is inside you in this moment.
Questions About Specific Meditation Practices
I don’t have time to do everything as slowly as I ate that raisin. Does this mean I can’t be mindful?
Mindfulness is not dependent on speed. The power to be present is already in you. In the practices, like the raisin exercise, we guide you very slowly for another reason.
Although mindfulness is already in you, the habits of inattention and absence are present also. The speed at which you move through activities and experiences often reflects inattention and a sense of hurriedness that have become habits of living. All of us have gotten into habits of inattention that interfere with being mindful. If you are not paying attention in the first place, you will find it hard to be aware of what is here.
To establish attention and maintain it takes some effort. By slowing down any activity and concentrating attention in as much detail as possible, you are teaching yourself to be more present. As you develop the art of attention, you will discover that you can be more present moving at faster speeds. You can always establish mindfulness, in any activity, moving at any speed. It starts with paying attention.
Practicing awareness of breathing, body scan, or even walking meditation, I am bothered that my mind is all over the place. I can’t seem to control my thoughts.
Isn’t that interesting? Where did you get the idea you should control your thoughts?
In mindfulness practices, it is good enough to recognize that you are having the thoughts. That is a moment of mindfulness. Just work with the thoughts by recognizing them. In the practices you mentioned, you are practicing maintaining a focus on the breath, the body, or the activity of walking. When thoughts (or other distractions) arise, just notice them, let them be, and return the focus to your primary object of meditation.
In meditation practice, the thoughts are treated like anything else: just something to notice. In the practice of choiceless awareness, you actually make the thoughts themselves the object as long as they are present. Hold the commentary, or the pictures, or whatever form thoughts take, in the light of mindfulness, breathing in and out with them, listening and watching them. You can literally experience them as arising, changing, and leaving. They are not you, no matter how dramatic, compelling, or important they seem.
Either way, by letting the thoughts be and returning awareness to breath or body, or by making the thoughts themselves the object, you are no longer identifying with them. Nor are you adding to them with more thoughts. You are simply recognizing that they are happening and letting them be.
In the body scan, sometimes I love it because I get so relaxed. Other times I hate it because I can’t sit still, or I fall asleep, or I don’t think it is working.
Do you see how much liking and disliking depend upon feeling comfortable, or upon things going as you think they should? It is fine to feel comfortable, and to have ideas about things. But can you look more deeply?
Meditation practice empowers you to recognize how these habits of seeking comfort and answers, along with the judging they require, can be a source of pain. The pain can appear as fear of losing security, worry or anxiety about keeping security, or some variation on these themes.
The body scan practice is about connecting with and becoming more aware of the body, just as it is. While this does lead to relaxation, and while relaxation is important, the relaxation is not the ultimate goal. Awareness is. Try not to judge your practice by how relaxed or “good” you feel. Try not to judge it at all. Just try to be present and to recognize and accept what is here. Notice how things change from day to day, from practice to practice. Don’t try to hold on or to make anything happen.
Practicing choiceless awareness, I get lost easily. Anxiety is strong, my mind fills with frightening thoughts, and I worry that I am losing control of everything. What should I do?
This is a very good question. Feeling lost, filled with anxiety, and out of control are common and intense experiences. Do not become discouraged. This happens at times to practically everyone who takes up meditation.
In fact, meditation exists to help you manage exactly these situations. As you practice and encounter these difficult visitors in meditation, you are learning how to manage them with awareness and kindness. What you learn will help you whenever and wherever the difficult ones appear.
We will discuss working with fear, anxiety, and panic in more detail in chapter 16.
The basic principles are simple, but not often easy!
Establish and maintain attention in the present moment. As we have been practicing, this means establishing awareness on the breath and then breathing in and out with whatever is happening. We have called this holding it in the cradle of the breath.
With attention established and with mind, body, and present moment connected through conscious breathing, make the unfolding experience itself the object of mindfulness. Bring your curious and allowing attention deeply to whatever experience is present.
Once you have established attention on the breath, you are no longer lost. Start breathing into the feelings of anxiety in the body and let the feelings themselves be the object of mindfulness. Listen to the worried and frightening thoughts and let them be, and let the fear of losing control become the next condition you hold in kind awareness.
Remember, all of this is arising, changing, and leaving in the present moment. Your practice is to remain present with kind attention as these visitors come and go. That is peaceful abiding. And it takes practice! It may take time and effort for concentration and mindfulness to become strong enough that you aren’t lost or overwhelmed by the array of thoughts and feelings. That is okay. Take all the time you need. Just keep practicing.
When I practice the loving-kindness meditation, usually I don’t feel much. It seems phony. I even get angry, or sometimes sad. I don’t get it. Is something wrong with me?
These are excellent observations, and it is a very good question. No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. These are very common feelings that arise when people begin to practice the meditations on kindness and compassion.
This practice of loving-kindness is about connecting with something you already have. The qualities of kindness and compassion are in everyone. That you are having difficulty feeling them is actually very common.
The same habits of inattention and absence that interfere with mindfulness also work to block you from feeling your own capacity for kindness, and from realizing your compassionate connection with life. Further, the habits of meanness, driven by anger and hostility, are deep. Indeed, the anger and hostility are often fed on a deeper level by fear and feelings of separation and abandonment.
As you teach yourself the art of attention and are able to connect more deeply with the present moment, you will find that you are able to hear the words of the loving-kindness meditation practice more clearly, and will begin to feel them in your mind and body more easily. It just takes practice.
As your meditation practice deepens, don’t be surprised if more feelings of ange
r or sadness appear. With deep listening and connection comes deep release and healing. Strong feelings of anger or sadness often are simply waiting to be released. Your kind and compassionate attention gives them release. Healing and transformation are happening.
I have trouble finding an image of myself when doing the loving-kindness practice. What should I do?
This is an excellent question. Almost everyone who begins the loving-kindness practice has difficulty sending kindness to themselves.
Try to relax and connect with some part of yourself that you can feel or picture. If you are having difficulty, it can help to focus attention on your own body as you practice. Simply send kindness there.
Also, you aren’t restricted to a “total” image of yourself. You could focus on a region of your body, perhaps one that is injured or ill. Or you could focus on part of your emotional or cognitive body, like anger, anxiety, or constant judging.
As your practice deepens and sensitivity grows, you will discover new dimensions within. This will lead to new ways to practice kindness for yourself and for others .
More Questions
I am confused by all these different practices. Sometimes I don’t think I know what it means to be mindful.
Well, this is an excellent concern, and very common. I recall going on meditation retreats with different teachers, who taught different methods, or who gave different instructions for similar methods of meditation—and feeling exactly the same way! Thank you for raising this issue.
The truth is that being mindful is about relaxing enough to pay attention, here and now, with affection and without judging, and the wisdom and freedom that comes from such attention.
Mindfulness is not just about breathing!
The different mindfulness practices you encounter (including those in this book) are only different methods to show you the range of life experience available for mindfulness (all of it), and to support you in being able to establish and sustain mindful attention toward any and all experience you have.
For example, you can be mindful of eating a raisin, of how you walk, of how breathing feels, of sounds, and of the constant flow of inner experience in the form of thoughts, feelings, and sensations. The common element is your kind and allowing attention and the awareness that arises from that in each moment.
The meditation on loving-kindness is designed to help cultivate and strengthen the feelings of kindness that are core to any practice of mindfulness. And, by doing the loving-kindness meditation, one often comes face to face with powerful insights as well as connecting more deeply with inherent energies of kindness and compassion.
So, the chances are that you actually do know what being mindful is. Most people have been doing it—at some times in life—even if they did not have the word for it. Perhaps all you need is a little more faith in yourself, and some curiosity about how to use the different practices most skillfully to help you meet and become free from fear, anxiety, and panic .
I try so hard to meditate, but as soon as I feel any fear or anxiety, I am overcome with doubt and lack of self-confidence about what I am doing.
In traditional meditation teachings, doubt is considered one of the most common hindrances. One aspect of doubt that is considered most difficult is the inability of the mind to focus on anything when it is besieged by doubt. Sound like anyone you know?
What is doubt? Often it is a string of thoughts in the mind associated with a rising tide of fear and resistance to experience. By learning to recognize and name doubt when it is present, you can learn a good deal about how you become caught up in moods and states of mind, and about how to become free of them.
One response to doubt is to name it, over and over again, making room for it without identifying with it, or arguing with it. And, it is very important not to hate it, or yourself, for feeling doubt. Returning to the present moment with determination and steadiness of mind, focusing attention, making space—all of these can help.
When doubt is so intense that you feel muddled, it can also be helpful to rely more on simple faith and courage.
Reflecting that countless other human beings have been and are muddled by doubt is actually comforting. Reading inspiring stories or recalling how people of faith and conviction in different times and places have faced doubt and found a way to continue onward can be just enough inspiration to carry you through your own storm of doubt.
So don’t let doubt throw you. It is not the enemy unless you make it that way. By learning to recognize doubt when it arises, and to be curious and attentive to it, just as to a raisin or the sensations of the breath, you will discover the true power of mindfulness to free you from pain, fear, and anxiety.
Doing loving-kindness meditation, I realize that I need to do forgiveness sometimes before I can offer kindness. Could you speak about forgiveness, and is there a meditation I could do to help?
Thank you. This is a deep reflection, and shows great wisdom and attention to your own inner life .
It is also a common realization that people reach as they begin to practice loving-kindness meditation.
There are, of course, many wise authorities on forgiveness and meditation. In my own experience, I have come to understand forgiveness as the end of resentment. So, to forgive means that one actually lets go of resentment, as best one can. I have found personally that this process can take some dedication, patience, and courage as well.
I have heard meditation and spiritual teachers offer various beautiful ways to practice forgiveness, and there are many ways to be found in the great faith traditions, especially. I would like to share here one I have found particularly useful, because of its simplicity, depth, and universality.
Begin by bringing to mind someone who may have hurt you in some way. Imagine speaking to this person in words like: “For any hurt or harm you have caused me, intentional or unintentional, I offer forgiveness.”
Then, bring to mind someone whom you may have hurt in some way. Imagine speaking to this person in words like: “For any hurt or harm I may have caused you, intentional or unintentional, I ask forgiveness.”
Finally, bring your focus to yourself, thinking of a particular situation or person. Speaking especially kindly, use words like: “For any hurt or harm I have caused to you or in this situation, I offer myself forgiveness.”
As you practice, pay close attention to all that arises within you. Have patience and compassion for it, and for yourself. Be willing to work with any insights or pain that may arise.
This language emphasizes that forgiveness is offered. I like that because, in truth, we do not have control over other people or their feelings. The best we can do is to offer forgiveness, and to ask for it.
The language also points out that hurt can happen from both intentional and unintentional acts.
Another point worth emphasizing is that forgiveness actually benefits us more than them! That is, when we can drop the resentment we are carrying, then our own life becomes freer. As we become more free and available, then a world of possibilities opens in relationships and in situations .
Finally, I like to remind myself that offering forgiveness does not mean that I become a doormat, or that I invite or condone more hurtful actions from that same person. By releasing my past resentments, I may be able to protect myself more, to relate to that person in a healthier way, and to have more compassion for what drives them to act as they do.
Doing loving-kindness meditation, I realized that I don’t feel worthy or deserving of happiness or good things. I feel like I am being selfish when I am practicing loving-kindness.
Thank you for such honesty.
Unfortunately, this is also a common reaction to doing the loving-kindness meditation. I say “unfortunately” because I believe it reflects how much unconscious meanness we have learned to practice in our society.
I prefer to think of mindfulness and loving-kindness meditations as being self-full. That is, they are ways we tune in and truly embrace the fullness of o
ur humanity. For example, if you can be kind toward a perfect stranger, why can’t you feel kindness toward yourself? Having kind feelings is part of being human.
For most people, the resistance to kindness toward themselves is more about inner “tapes” or “maps” that are based in self-criticism and meanness than anything else. By doing the loving-kindness meditation for yourself, you actually create a situation where the old habits of self-talk and self-criticism can be brought to light. Then, you can consider consciously and for yourself if such judgments are actually true, or if they serve you in any positive way.
You asked: “Am I deserving of loving-kindness?”
I say: “Of course you are. Why do you think you aren’t?”
Chapter 15
Feeling Safe, Resting in Silence
It is easy to approach the end of any book on anxiety, fear, and panic feeling dizzy from all the ideas and instructions you have encountered. There may have been times in this book when you felt that way. There may be doubts in your mind and heart about your ability to apply the lessons of this book and meet anxiety, fear, and panic. You would not be alone, if any of that were true!
So, this is a good time to recall that this book is about much more than just information. It is really about you and how you can become wiser and kinder in relationship to all the experiences within your life.
As human beings we are all in a constant process of change and rebirth. Only our thoughts and judgments are static, until they also change. We are far more than our thoughts or judgments, or intense conditions like fear, anxiety, or panic. They, too, are only a part of our wholeness and the mysterious and awesome experience of being human.
As you have probably discovered by now, the book is actually a kind of map. It contains some different instructions—the various meditation practices—for you to use to explore and navigate the landscape of your inner life, including the areas of intense upset like anxiety, fear, and panic. Using this map requires practicing the art of “affectionate attention” (mindfulness) toward all that life brings you. And, you have no doubt realized by now that mindfulness is a practice, and that old habits of inattention and distraction run deep!
Calming Your Anxious Mind Page 18