by Virlyce
Alice turned towards Tafel. The demon shrugged. “Phoenixes don’t get cold, sorry.”
“Well, Ms. Phoenix,” Alice said, narrowing her eyes at her companion, “you can be the one to dig out all those books with your non-cold hands.”
Tafel snorted. “Excuse me, I’m married. It’s Mrs. Phoenix.” She walked over to the bookshelf and gestured towards Vur. “Hey, can you move these bodies into the other room with the children?”
Vur scratched his nose. “So now I’m needed, huh?”
Mr. Skelly whispered to Vur, “She phrased it like a question, but it’s actually an order.”
Tafel glared at Mr. Skelly. Then she smiled at Vur. “Please?”
Vur sighed and tapped his chest. “Mervin, can I wish for you to move these statues to the other room?”
“No!” Tafel and Mervin said at the same time. The genie that popped its head out of Vur’s chest made eye contact with Tafel. She raised an eyebrow. “Eh?”
“The statues are too heavy,” Mervin said and shrugged. “Look at how tiny I am. How am I supposed to move those things?”
“For a genie king, there sure are a lot of wishes you can’t grant, huh?” Stella asked as she pushed Mervin out of Vur’s chest from behind, causing him to fall into a pile of snow face first. The fairy queen poked her head out and shook her fist at the legs that were sticking out of the snow. She whirled around to face Vur. “He can totally move those statues, but he’s delaying because he wants to keep pestering me. You have to be more firm, Vur. Hurry up and turn him back into a beansprout.”
Tafel sighed as she opened a portal beside the two nearby statues and tilted them over so that they fell through. Then she pushed their frozen feet inside before closing the portal. Alice tilted her head, still cowering underneath Sheryl’s warmth. “If you could do that, why’d you have to ask Vur?”
“I thought he’d be happier if he was given something to do,” Tafel said and shook her head. She brushed a fire-filled hand over the frozen books, melting the frost around them and evaporating the water before it could soak into the bindings. “Huh. I can read these.”
“You’re literate, congratulations,” Alice said through chattering teeth.
“That’s not what I meant,” Tafel said, her expression darkening. She turned around and stared at Alice, who was glaring at her. “Are you seriously upset about the spell I used to disable that group of people? If I didn’t freeze them, how else were we supposed to win?”
“If you gave me a little more time, I’m sure I could’ve bludgeoned them to death with my shield,” Alice said, pursing her lips.
“We’re supposed to be rushing this dungeon, remember?” Tafel asked, placing her hands on her hips. “Mary’s birthday party is less than two weeks away and we don’t know how deep this dungeon goes. Look, there’s already two doors that we can go through now which clearly shows this dungeon isn’t a linear one.” She opened a portal by the end of the bookshelf. Then she swept the books off their shelves, dumping them inside the portal. “Alright, loot acquired. Which way are we going next?”
“Let’s split up,” Vur said, his eyes gleaming. “If we want to clear it faster, then—”
“No,” Tafel said, her voice as hard as steel. “That’s how horror stories start. Dungeon parties never split up.”
“She has a point,” Mr. Skelly said, patting Vur’s back. “It’s a white-ranked dungeon after all. There could be terrifying things waiting for us.”
“I’m pretty sure Vur’s the most terrifying thing inside this dungeon,” Alice said.
“We’re going this way,” Tafel said, gesturing towards the door closest to herself. Vur sighed as he followed after the party, his eyes drifting towards the unexplored door on the other side of the room.
The door the group entered led down a hall with a red carpet covering the floor. Suits of armor lined the walls, but they were covered in dust. At the end of the hall, there was another door. Tafel walked up to a suit of armor and kicked it over, making sure nothing was inside before walking past it.
“Huh?” Alice looked down and frowned at her hands. “Did we lose Diamant’s defense boost?”
Tafel, Alice, and Mr. Skelly turned their heads towards Vur. Three different-colored orbs of light, blue, green, and red, were floating in the air beside him. Vur stared at the group and smiled, his movements stiff. “Diamant was tired. There is no issue.”
Tafel narrowed her eyes at Vur. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Perfect,” Vur said, nodding his head up and down like a machine. “Never been better. Why do you ask, dear wife?”
“Oh my god…,” Zilphy mumbled but not loudly enough for the group to hear.
Tafel scratched the back of her head. “I must be stressed and tired,” she said as she sighed and turned back around. She kicked over another set of armor, pointing her staff at the heap and confirmed it wasn’t moving before passing it by.
“No, Vur’s acting pretty abnormal,” Alice said and shook her head as she walked alongside the demon. A set of armor up ahead lunged at the two women before Tafel could kick it over, and Alice let out a short shriek before smashing it to bits with her shield. “God. I hate living armor.”
Tafel turned her head towards the armor walking behind them that happened to have a skeleton inside. “That’s ironic.”
“Alright, Vur,” Mr. Skelly said as he fell back from the group to match Vur’s pace. He slapped his armored hand against Vur’s back. “Tell me your troubles and I’ll give you answers.”
“I have no troubles, skeleton man,” Vur said. “None at all.”
Mr. Skelly stared at Vur. Vur wasn’t even looking at him, keeping his eyes locked on the back of Tafel and Alice as he marched after them with uniform steps.
***
“Vur…, Tafel’s going to be so mad when she finds out,” Stella said, poking her head out of Vur’s chest. He was alone, humming to himself as he walked while swinging his arms, the crossbow in his hand swishing back and forth like a pendulum. “And of all the people to not leave behind, why did Mervin have to come with us? Couldn’t you have polymorphed Mervin instead of Deedee?”
“Mervin doesn’t know me well enough like Deedee does,” Vur said. “He wouldn’t be able to fool them. And Mervin can’t go inside of Deedee, so it only makes sense for him to come with us.”
The genie king sitting on Vur’s shoulder beamed at Stella, who gave him a dirty look before retreating back into Vur’s chest. The poor genie was temporarily banned from entering Stella’s room, which she declared to be all of Vur. Mervin looked around once Stella disappeared. “Your wife said that splitting up in a white-ranked dungeon was like the start of a horror story, what did she mean by that?”
Vur ignored the skulls hanging from the ceiling that projected lights out of their eyes and mouth like creepy chandeliers. The ground let out a little wail every time he stepped on it, and ghostly hands would wrap around his ankles, coming out of the carpet that seemed to be made of furless skin. Of course, the ghostly hands snapped when Vur kept walking, acting as if he hadn’t noticed them at all. He frowned and rubbed his chin. “I’m not sure. Horror stories make no sense to me,” he said and shook his head after thinking for a while. “In most of the stories, a group goes into an isolated environment, a little like this dungeon, and the beginning starts all happy. Then one of them hears a noise when it’s dark, and the group splits up. The person who goes to check on the noise never comes back, and the remaining group splits up again to find them. Then when everyone’s alone, it turns out some monster was attacking those people.”
“Mm, that does sound a little scary,” Mervin said. “Why doesn’t it make sense to you?”
“Because they don’t beat up the monster,” Vur said and snorted. There was an earth-shaking roar as the wall next to Vur cracked open, revealing a massive bloody paw with sharp claws the size of Vur’s face. Vur held his hand out and grabbed one of the digits on the paw before tugging on it with a slight bend
of his elbow. A confused cry rang out as a bloody bear was dragged through the wall and into the hallway that Vur was walking along. With one punch, the bloody bear’s head exploded, and the creature collapsed into a heap. Vur furrowed his brow. “What was I saying? Right, no one in the stories ever beats up the monster. They only run. It doesn’t make any sense.”
Mervin stared at the fallen bear and swallowed. Another bear poked its head out of the hole the first one had left behind. It took one look at Vur, whose face was covered with blood, and let out a human-like scream before running away. “Vur…,” Mervin said. “Tafel was right. This is like a horror story.”
Vur tilted his head. “How?”
“You’re the monster,” Mervin said and nodded. “This dungeon is these bloody things’ home, right? They heard a noise, you, and came to check it out. And the first person who came alone died! The second person to check it out saw you and ran instead of attacking. Quick, you have to catch that bear before it alerts the rest of the group so they keep splitting up.”
Vur’s eyes lit up. “So the monster attacking the people in horror stories were dragons in disguise. I think I understand now.” A second later, his eyes dimmed as he knit his brow. “But dragons don’t bother with humans. They taste bad and their meat-to-effort ratio is too low.” Vur walked past the hole that the bear had left behind but stopped and poked his head inside. It wasn’t very deep, and he could see the end. It was like a cave, and a bear was busy digging a hole in the ground to bury itself. “Bears on the other hand…. But I can’t eat these.” His gaze landed on the fallen bear’s corpse. “Or can I?”
***
“That’s the last of them,” Tafel said as she kicked aside a heap of armor. It landed into a gaping portal in the ground, vanishing into the darkness. The portal closed as she dusted off her hands, nodding at the empty hall. All that was left to do was open the door at the end. But there was just one thing that was bothering her…. “Vur. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Absolutely. I’m the definition of okay,” Vur said and gave a toothy smile while raising one hand to perform a thumbs-up. “I am currently the okayest that I have ever been.”
“You seem a little stiff,” Tafel said, her eyes narrowing. “If you weren’t you, I’d’ve thought you’ve been replaced by someone. But no doppelganger’s strong enough to do that.” Her eyes narrowed even further. “Unless….”
“Weren’t we in a hurry?” Alice asked, waving her hand in front of Tafel’s face. “Vur’s always derpy some of the times. How is this any different?”
“He’s not this kind of derpy,” Tafel said, placing her hands on her hips and glaring at Alice. “I’m seriously worried about him.”
“You’re supposed to defend Vur,” Zilphy whispered into Vur’s ear.
“I’m never derpy,” Vur said. “Because I’m a dragon.”
“See? He’s normal,” Alice said, gesturing towards Vur with her shield. “Let’s move on.” Before Tafel could retort, Alice pulled open the door to the next room. A dozen bloody creatures flew out at once, chirping and shrieking. Tafel turned her attention away from Vur and whacked away a bloody bat with her staff before freezing another with ice magic, causing it to fall and shatter like a dropped vase.
“How am I supposed to tank these!?” Alice shouted as she bashed three bats in a row with her kite shield.
Mr. Skelly appeared by her side, swinging a sword that he had liberated from one of the living armors. “It doesn’t seem like their attacking capabilities are very high,” he said as a bat bit him and nibbled on his armor, its teeth unable to puncture the metal. He sliced it in half with his sword and shook off the blood on his arm. As for Vur, for some reason, the bats completely ignored him as he stood as still as a rock against the nearby wall, blending in like a decoration.
It didn’t take very long for the party to wipe out all the bats, leaving bloody puddles and bits of bat everywhere. Tafel cleaned her face with a piece of ice that she melted while rubbing against her cheeks, using it like a bar of soap. She took a glance at Vur. Part of her suspicions went away when she realized he was completely clean, not a single drop of blood having landed on or in the region around him.
“Hey, guys,” Mr. Skelly said as he peered into the next room. “I think you’re going to be disappointed.”
“What’s wrong?” Tafel asked as she pushed aside the door. She created a ball of flames that she sent towards the center of the room. It was a small one with red, bat droppings on the floor. The walls were lined with shelves, but they were completely empty. There wasn’t even a carpet. Tafel’s brow furrowed as she stepped inside and took a closer look, still finding nothing. “Is this an empty pantry?”
“If it is, this is the most poorly designed house I’ve ever seen,” Alice said, shaking her head as she scanned the room as well. “This is basically a house, isn’t it? There was a foyer, a bathroom, a daycare room, a living room, and now a pantry. But the layout’s absolutely horrendous. You have to pass through a bathroom to get from the foyer to the rest of the house. And you have to walk all the way over here to bring food to the kitchen that we haven’t even found yet? Maybe it’s connected to the other door in the living room.”
Tafel snorted as she left the pantry. “This is a dungeon, not a house. We’re adventurers, not home invaders. A dungeon like this forms and grows naturally, which is also why the layout isn’t anything like how a home would actually be. And don’t forget it’s underground.”
“First she justifies beating up children, then she justifies home invasions,” Mistle said, the blue ball of light around Vur flashing once. “I’m really surrounded by barbarians…. I want to go home.”
“I’m not justifying home invasions!” Tafel said. She placed her hands on her hips and glared at the floating ball of light. “Why don’t you tell her what I mean, Vur?”
“…I was also under the impression that this was a home invasion,” Vur said. “Are dungeons not the homes of monsters? Are monsters not people too?”
“You tell her, Diamant,” Mistle said. “Teach her her place.”
Sheryl and Zilphy froze as Vur’s face stiffened into a neutral expression. A second later, Mistle stopped bobbing up and down as well, pausing in midair, her light dimming. Tafel crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Vur. “Alright, what’s the deal here?”
“Dia-Deedee … was the one who spoke just now,” Vur said, gesturing towards the brown runes on his arm.
Tafel raised an eyebrow. “In your voice?”
“He’s been practicing,” Vur said. After a pause, he nodded and added, “He’s very diligent, even for an earth elemental. Isn’t that right, …Deedee?”
“Yes, that’s right,” a gruffer voice said but clearly came out of Vur’s lips.
“Oh boy,” Sheryl muttered. If she had hands, she’d have slapped the forehead that she also didn’t have at the moment.
“Where’s Vur?” Tafel asked. “Did he really go off on his own? After I specifically told him not to because that’s how horror stories start? Look at where we are! We’re in a dungeon filled with walking armor and people made of blood! Of all the dungeons to do this in, why this one? Couldn’t he have wandered off in a dungeon that housed puppies or kittens instead!?”
“Hey, Tafel, I think you need to calm down,” Mr. Skelly said. A second later, his skull went flying.
“Mr. Bones,” Sheryl said with a sigh as she hovered over the skeleton’s headless body, “you should never tell a woman to calm down when she’s clearly not calm. There’s just nothing to be gained from it.”
Mr. Skelly groped around for his head and screwed it back on as Tafel stomped down the hall. The fake Vur and Alice exchanged glances with each other. “You’re a horrible ventriloquist,” Alice said.
“I’m a mountain elemental, not a performer.” The fake Vur shook his head. “This was a terrible idea from the start.”
16
Vur let out a burp and wiped away the blood on his lip
s with the back of his hand. He was walking down a hall, his chest and arms stained with large red spatters of blood that ran down his body like tiny rivulets. Behind him, there was a trail of bloody bear corpses, the ones at the start of the trail made only of red bones. The later ones were frozen in blocks of ice. Vur had been ambushed through the walls, ceiling, and floor thirteen times as shown by the holes left behind.
“Why’d you freeze those ones?” Mervin asked, pointing at the bears, whose eyes were still moving underneath the ice.
“I only kill what I eat,” Vur said and let out a softer burp that sounded like a hiccough. He half-walked, half-waddled towards the door at the end of the hall, dragging his crossbow across the ground. “And I’m full. Who knew bears made of blood would taste so tasty?”
“Tasty…? Really?” Stella asked, staring at Vur with half-closed eyes.
Vur nodded as he pushed open the door. “Meat is tasty because of the juices. And the bloody bears were all juices.”
A clanking sound cut Stella off before she could respond. A bloody woman was standing behind a counter, a spilled pot of food in front of it. The viscous material inside was still leaking out, pooling on the countertop as the trembling woman stared at Vur. Vur’s eyes lit up. He sauntered over to the counter, ignoring the six people sitting around a table as he passed them, and dipped his finger into the pooling food. He brought his finger up to his nose and sniffed it before giving the liquid a lick. He smacked his lips as he wiped his finger on a nearby cloth and righted the fallen pot. “Needs more juices,” he said as he propped his crossbow up against the counter.
Without waiting for a response, Vur reached behind his back and pulled a piece of bloody bear meat out of his pocket, positioning it over the pot. He squeezed and twisted it like a towel, dripping blood into the stew. Then he put the drier bear meat back into his pocket before wiping his hands on the cloth again. One of the childlike people sitting around the table let out a soundless scream, presumably something about a dead pet, but Vur couldn’t hear him, much less understand. The adults around the table shushed the child, covering its mouth with their hands as they watched Vur with wary gazes.