Dating was pointless. My heart belonged to someone already and there was no way for me to take it back. I didn’t want to even though I knew I should let him go. We were worlds apart, and not only separated by miles but also by the death of Sam.
I was prepared to spend the rest of my life alone. My battery-operated boyfriend got the job done. What did I need a man for anyway?
Then I answered Spencer’s call, and it feels like my entire life has been turned upside down again. I came back here understanding it would be hard. Knowing today, of all days, could potentially destroy me all over again.
Yet, it hasn’t.
I feel stronger. Braver.
A lot of that I have Jay to thank for. His presence has always forced me to confront my feelings and push them down deep. To smile through the pain. To find the good in a bad situation.
He doesn’t know it, but every time I saw him in college I cringed internally as much as I would swoon. I would watch him when I was certain no one else was looking. Study his mannerisms, looking for flaws. Needing to find something that would change my opinion of him.
In reality, I watched him with admiration in my eyes. Not only because he’s handsome but because he’s kind. A good person at heart. Generous with his time. Smart.
He has a heart of gold and a soul as deep as the Grand Canyon.
Five years may have passed since I last saw him, but those things haven’t changed. Neither has the way he looks at me, with lust in his eyes. They practically burn my skin as they travel the length of my body from head to toe and back again until I’m staring into his darkened hazel globes.
“We don’t have time,” I protest, knowing his thoughts match my own.
“Says who?” he asks, pulling me against his chest and dipping his head so he can kiss the sweet spot behind my ear.
“Says me. I need to shower or we’re going to be late.”
Placing my palm flat against his chest, I attempt to push out of his embrace, but he holds tight, never stopping his assault on my neck. His lips are silky smooth against my skin and I can feel the moisture pooling in my panties.
Why am I trying to deny him again?
Oh, yeah. We have a marathon to run.
Another nudge from me and Jay lifts his head, a devious grin on his face. He starts walking us backward toward the bathroom, and all I can do is smile because I know what happens next.
We get dirty before we get clean.
Late seems to be a thing with us. I’ve never been late a day in my life until recently. In fact, I’m the one who shows up fifteen minutes early to everything. If I’m not at least that early, I feel behind. Rushed. It’s a feeling I don’t like and try to avoid at all costs.
Yet, showing up late with Jay’s arm wrapped around my shoulder doesn’t bring about the sense of panic I expect. It could be the two mind-blowing orgasms I had in the shower. Or the third one as he bent me over the bathroom sink.
Who am I kidding?
It’s all those things, but it’s also the fact he held my hand the entire walk over. That when we approached, he grazed the tips of his fingers up my arm before pulling me to his side. How natural it feels to be wrapped in his embrace.
It’s everything about Jay that has me feeling cool as a cucumber as we approach where Spencer is about to take the makeshift stage in the parking lot of Riley’s Pub. It’s nothing more than two partially broken pallets stacked on top of each other, but it gives him the advantage to look out over the still growing crowd of runners.
The beautiful spring morning is perfect for a marathon—warm enough to keep the chill off my exposed skin but the light breeze will keep me cool while running.
Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I prepare myself for the words I’m about to hear. It’s Spencer’s turn to speak. To talk about Sam. About the impact she made on his life. I can’t think of anything he could say that already hasn’t been said. It’s clear we all loved her. We miss her.
Her story is tragic. No one will ever dispute that fact.
I will find justice for Sam if it’s the last thing I do.
“Thank you all for coming out this morning,” Spencer starts. “It was an honor to have called Sam my friend and it’s an honor to be here today to kick off the first annual Samantha Bridges memorial race. For five years I’ve walked past the park,” Spence motions to the park behind the crowd of runners and all heads turn, “and it reminded me of the worst day of my life. The day I found out one of my best friends, a girl who was a ray of sunshine in everyone’s life, was taken from us. Today we erase the memory of that day and remember Sam for the amazing soul she was. We’re going to celebrate her. We’re going to take back the parts of our heart that shattered all those years ago.”
Five years.
She’s been gone for five years.
It’s been even longer since I’ve talked to my friend. Hugged her. Tried not to laugh as she pouted at me. Made fun of her for the crazy pens she would write with at work. Helped her pick out a new hair color.
The hours we used to spend together, doing nothing but talking, feel like they went by so fast, yet since she died, the days have dragged on. Life has slowed down.
Today is the hardest day of the year for me. I’m normally wrapped in a blanket on my couch with tears in my eyes. Looking at the few pictures I still have stored on my cell phone. Wondering where she would be now if she were still with us. Making up an amazing life for her.
She’d be married with kids. A boy and a girl. Her daughter would be the spitting image of her the way she resembles her mother. Her son would have her fire. She would be happy and healthy, living an adventurous life.
The chance at that life was stolen from her.
The reminder causes a chill to wash over me, my skin pebbling even though the warm morning sun is beating down on me.
“Before I officially kick off the race, I’d like to share the story of how I met Sam. As most of you know, I’m not from Great Falls even though I’m proud I now call this place home.” The crowd applauds, and Spence bows, a silly grin on his face. Always the showman. Always finding a way to make people laugh. Even in times like these. Even when he’s about to talk about Sam. “I was a sophomore at GFU, and I’ll be honest with you, I don’t remember much of my freshman year. It was a blur of parties and hangovers.”
The tension in the air lifts as the crowd laughs.
“Surprisingly, I only failed one class. Freshman English, and I am horrible at English, so I needed a plan to make sure I wasn’t taking it again my junior year. Picture this. I’m sitting in the back row of the classroom, contemplating my options, when in walks a girl with bright red lipstick and streaks in her hair to match. It’s piled on top of her head in one of those messy ponytails all the girls wear. Class started at noon, but it looked like she had just rolled out of bed. She had a coffee in each hand and a pencil holding her hair up.
“When she plopped into the seat next to me, I knew we were going to be friends. I tried not to stare at her, but she was beautiful. Her personality was shining brightly even when her eyes were closed and I thought she fell asleep. I wanted to talk to her, but she intimidated me.”
Spencer had a thing for Sam. I never would have guessed. Then again, I hadn’t met them yet.
“I stalked her for two weeks after class started, waiting for the perfect moment to ask her for help. I was already behind and she seemed to sleep through class but managed to pull an A on our first exam. Then one day she turned to me and asked what my name was. I was barely able to get both syllables out before she was interrogating me about creeping on her.”
This time I can’t help but laugh. My body is shaking as I bend over and hold my stomach. I can hear Sam calling him out in her no-nonsense way. She didn’t tolerate bullshit. She had no filter. If she was thinking it, you would hear about it. Whether you wanted to or not. No matter if she should share her thoughts or keep them to herself.
Jay runs his hand up and down my back as
I straighten up. I’d almost forgotten he was next to me, Spencer’s story capturing my attention. He pulls me in front of him, wrapping his arms around my waist. When I look over my shoulder, I see unshed tears glistening in his eyes. I’ve already wiped away two strays.
Spencer continues his story, but I can’t take my eyes off of Jay’s. He’s holding it all in. The pain. The sorrow. The memories of a time before life was complicated. When Sam lit up our world just because she was a part of it.
“And then she fell for my roommate. The biggest mistake I ever made was introducing them. The ass was always better looking than me. Still is. I was upset with her until she brought over a friend, not wanting me to feel like the third wheel when we hung out. It was then I realized what true love was. Yes, I loved Sam, but in a different way. She was the first girl I called friend. The only girl not to fall for my bullshit pickup lines. And she cared enough to tell me when I was being a jerk. I loved that girl … but when Mia walked in the room it was as if my heart started beating just for her. I’m just lucky she felt the same way.”
I spot Mia standing next to the stage, grinning from ear to ear.
Yes, Spencer. You are very lucky. Not only that you met Sam but that she introduced you to Mia.
“Sam was a matchmaker. A coffee fiend. Pushy. Funny. Caring. Moody in the mornings but vibrant at night. She wore red lipstick proudly every single day. She had a personality that can only be described as unique. Her friendship was unconditional, and she would have done anything for anyone if they asked. Sam was a one-of-a-kind person, and she would be humbled to see how many people are here to honor her memory today. With that, I’d like to get this race started. Runners,” Spence says, straightening his back and deepening his voice in a more professional manner, “please take your places.”
I can’t help but shake my head at my friend as Jay and I walk hand in hand toward the starting line. It’s been a few years since I’ve run more than a mile on my treadmill, so this is going to suck. I’ll be exhausted and ache in places I shouldn’t but running also makes you feel alive.
Today is a good day to remember what it feels like to be alive. To live. A reminder that even though we’ve lost someone we love, that the pain we feel over that loss is real, we’re still here.
Spencer and Mia join us at the front of the crowd. Before handing over the microphone, Spencer goes over the route with everyone.
Three laps around the central part of town basically. Follow the park north along Main street, turn east onto First and follow it down to State. Take State Street south to Second and then head west back to Main Street.
We’ll be running past both Summer’s house as well as the Hideaway. We’ll cover three sides of the park; the one remaining side is where Sam’s body was found. I haven’t stepped foot in the park since she was found. I never planned to again, but today that has to change. After the race is over, we’ve been instructed to head to the center of the park for the fountain dedication.
The city had a small memorial fountain placed near where Sam’s body was found. The weight of that reality slams into me as I hear someone blow a horn, signifying the start of the race. The crowd moves forward, spreading out once we’re on the main road. Jay’s long legs set the pace for the four of us but it’s not long before Mia and I fall back. With an eight-inch height advantage, I was taking two strides for every one of his, both my lungs and legs burning by the time we made the turn onto State Street.
“Want to slow down?” Mia asks as we approach the parking lot of Riley’s, marking the end of the first of our three laps.
“Yes, please,” I say, slowing my strides until I’m briskly walking.
There are volunteers handing out cups of water to the racers and I take two, stopping to down them both before continuing on.
“How are you holding up this morning?” she asks, falling back in step with me.
“I’m doing okay. I know what today is, but for some reason it hasn’t hit me as hard as it has the last few years.”
“That’s because you’re back here with us.”
“You’d think that’d make it harder. Being here. Remembering her. Celebrating her. All I’ve done is think about her for the last two days. I’ve read through that file more times than I care to count and studied pictures of her dead body. I think I’m numb to it at this point. All of it. The pain, the violence.”
“I think you’re finally accepting it. Think about it. The last few years were hard because you didn’t want to come to terms with what happened. You tried to ignore it. That’s why you thought it would be harder to be here on the anniversary but now you’re surrounded by people that loved her. People who love you.”
Mia makes a valid point. The last four years, when this date would begin to creep up, I’ve shut down emotionally. I’ve pushed people away, hid in my apartment, and cried over the loss of my best friend. Have I dealt with her death? Not really. I haven’t had any support in healing either.
As crazy as I thought this idea was, perhaps coming back here was a good thing. Maybe it will help me move on.
“Jay loves you,” I hear Mia say as we pass Summer’s house.
I avoided looking in the general direction the first lap. My lungs were burning, my chest already tight. I wasn’t about to add any more stress to my body.
Wait. What?
Mia’s words slam into me as I stutter, “Um, wh-what are you t-talking about?”
“Jay. Loves. You.” Her words are pointed as she pulls us to a stop in the middle of the road, runners swerving to avoid crashing into us.
“Mia, it’s not like that. We’re just friends, that’s all we’ve ever been.” Lies. All lies. And I don’t even know why I’m saying them. Even I don’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.
“Friends?” she asks with a laugh. “I don’t have many friends that hold me the way he holds you. Whose eyes darken with lust when I walk in the room. Whose words speak to my heart in a way that only I understand. No, the only person that feels that way about me is Spencer.”
I’m at a loss for words, my mouth hanging slightly ajar, as I catch sight of Spence and Jay approaching behind us. They’re deep in conversation, Spencer’s hands moving animatedly while Jay shakes his head.
“I bet they’re having the same conversation we are. Jay refuses to admit that he loves you. That he’s always loved you. We saw it back then and we see it now.”
“What do you mean back then?” I ask, turning my back to Mia and willing my legs to move. They cooperate long enough to get a few paces in front of her, but she catches up easily, my body exhausted from the distance we’ve already put in.
“New Year’s Eve ring a bell?”
Our first kiss.
The night I betrayed my best friend and swore I would never do it again. I tried my best, separated myself, only I failed.
When I don’t answer, she continues, “We all saw it. The change in you. The change in him. We knew something happened between you two. You grew distant and so did he. He locked himself in his room and took computers apart most of the time. He never wanted to hang out. Made excuses for why he couldn’t spend time with anyone, including Sam.
“She saw it, you know, but not through our eyes. She was convinced she messed up. She blamed herself. Thought he wanted to break up with her because he was pushing her away. The only time we saw him after that was when you were around. His eyes would light up. He was a completely different person. Spence and I weren’t surprised. We’d always known he held a candle for you but never thought he’d act on it.”
“He didn’t hold a candle for me. That’s such a stupid saying,” I retort as we pass the volunteers with water, marking the start of our final lap. Jay and Spencer are standing only a few feet away, talking with Summer, already finished with their final lap.
“He told Spencer about you before he knew who you were.”
Chapter Fifteen
Suddenly I’m propelling toward the ground. The moment I first met
Jay flashing before my eyes. The feel of his arm wrapped around me as he stopped me from falling on the sidewalk. The heat in my cheeks when I realized my underwear were scattered on the grass.
His smile.
The damn dimple.
The blue specks shining against the backdrop of his hazel eyes.
A warmth wraps around my body as I’m pulled upright and against a hard body. A body I know intimately. A chest I traced with my tongue earlier this morning before I properly thanked him for bringing me coffee.
Coffee I never drank because I was too busy thanking him.
“Gotta watch out for those pebbles,” Jay whispers in my ear, kissing the nape of my neck before releasing me and sauntering away, back to where Spencer is waiting with a smirk on his face.
“Still want to deny it?” Mia asks, nudging me in the side as we watch the guys walk into the park, Jay’s arm wrapped around Summer’s shoulder.
“Does it really matter what may or may not have happened five years ago? It’s history.”
Even I don’t believe the lies I’m trying to sell her. It may be in the past, but I still don’t think I can bring myself to confess my sins out loud.
“He scares you that much, huh?”
“I’m not scared of Jay,” I start, picking up the pace so we can finish the race sooner rather than later. “He’s a great guy, but he was Sam’s boyfriend—”
“Was.”
“And she died. They would still be together if she was alive.”
“Do you really believe that?”
No. I can’t admit that to her, though. I can’t tell her he told me he was planning on breaking up with her.
“The fact you won’t even answer tells me all I need to know,” Mia says, letting silence descend upon us.
I’m waiting for her to say something else. However, as we approach the finish line, she still hasn’t. Not a single word. For Mia, that’s a record of silence. Especially when her opinion is weighing heavy on her.
“Just say it. I know you’re thinking something,” I urge as I pull her over to a bench just outside of the park.
A Moment Too Late Page 13