“The kisses,” she repeated. She closed her eyes to savor the memory. “First you kissed one corner of my mouth, then the other. And then your lips met mine.”
She hadn’t even finished speaking the words when she felt the first kiss on one corner of her mouth, then one on the other corner. And then, just as she remembered it, he pressed his lips against hers. But this was different from her memory of it. Better. There was no gentle teasing and coaxing into a kiss. He was hard and demanding. She met the pressure and parted her lips. His mouth was so familiar, yet the sensations were intense in a way their kisses hadn’t been years earlier. Each nip and lick and taunt sparked along every nerve ending in her body.
Hours earlier, she’d thought she was going to die. But now, here, in Daniel’s bed, she was alive. She needed to savor every moment of it.
“Please, play the game later.” She wriggled to reach the hem of her chemise and pulled it over her head. Heat flooded her face again, but she pushed off her drawers, now naked in front of him for the first time. She savored the softness of the sheets against her bare skin. “Touch me now, the way you did then.”
He stroked her shoulder, his gaze fixed on her face. “I can’t. We can’t. You’ve had a shock. I can’t take advantage of that.”
She grabbed his wrist, pulled his hand beneath the thin sheet that covered her, and pressed his palm over her heart. “Daniel, I want you. Can’t you feel it?”
He closed his eyes and drew a shaky breath, then traced one finger across her breastbone and over the nipple of one breast. He moved his fingers to her belly, pausing at her navel. She watched the outline of his hand under the sheet as it went lower and he ran his finger up the inside of her thigh. “Tell me what you want, kitten.”
She could barely form words. “I want...what you’re doing...only more. And your lips on my skin.”
He placed kisses down her neck, then whispered again. “What else?”
She longed for the release he could give her, but this time she wanted more. “I don’t want to stop. I don’t want you to stop.”
“I won’t stop,” he whispered as his fingers stroked her ever more intimately. Two of his fingers touched her wetness and slid inside her.
She gasped and tightened around him.
“Hells bells, Emme, you’ll be the death of me.”
With his lips tracing their way down her neck and breasts, she arched in anticipation of the next pleasure that awaited her. He stroked his fingers inside her. She bit her lip and moaned. “Daniel. Daniel! Oh...”
Her entire body clenched of its own accord. The pressure between her legs and in her lower belly rose to an unbearable crescendo. She feared he’d stop, as he had years ago, when they’d thought they’d have a lifetime together to finish what they’d started. Blissfully, this time he continued. He rubbed and stroked and drove her so far into her need, she didn’t remember any other way of being, until the unbearable pressure crested and broke and heat radiated out from a place deep inside her.
“Emme,” he whispered. “You’re so beautiful, so passionate. Oh God, the sight of you.”
She slowly returned to her senses. When she opened her eyes, he was watching her.
“Did I make you happy, kitten?”
“Mmmm. So happy.”
She rolled onto her side and traced a fingertip from his cheek down to his neck, then lower to his chest that was revealed by his partially unbuttoned shirt. She deftly undid the rest of the buttons and slid the shirt off his shoulders. He moved to let it drop to the floor. Emme explored the muscles of his chest, remembering how it had felt when he’d pulled her against him in the water. She compared him to her memory. His chest was broader and stronger, and there was more hair sprinkled over the smooth skin, but his nipples still hardened when she stroked them. Before he could know what she planned to do, something she’d regretted not doing the summer they’d fallen in love, she ran her fingers down over his tight abdomen and cradled his erection through his trousers.
His eyes closed on a moan, but he pushed at her hand. “No, Emme.”
So, he thought that would be the same as well, that he would explore and pleasure her body, but she would barely touch him? He had argued they had to restrain themselves, that he wasn’t about to ruin her, that she should remain a virgin until marriage. It had sounded like a reasonable case that night in the library, but things had changed. She grasped him more tightly, and he cried out in pleasure.
“I’m no longer the innocent girl I was when you knew me last.” She slid her hand up to his waist and under his clothing as she spoke. It was the first time she’d ever felt the velvety-smooth skin of his erection under her fingertips. He lay motionless, his arousal belied only by his hardness in her hand and his quick breaths.
“If you believe that, kitten, it’s proof you have no idea what more I could do to you. What more I want so desperately to do to you, especially when you touch me that way.”
“Nothing is stopping you.”
“There’s propriety, for one. Your reputation, your future.”
“To hell with all those things.”
“Emmeline!”
She sat up and pulled the sheet tight against her. It was now or never. She wanted him, needed him so badly, and it seemed the only way to have him was to tell him the truth. Even if she were able to convince him without an admission of her guilt, he’d know soon enough.
“Daniel, I’m not a virgin.”
He sat up next to her and ran a hand through his hair. The way several strands stood on end enticed her, begged her to run her hand over them to smooth them.
“Kitten, what we’ve done hasn’t taken your virginity.”
She grimaced. “I know that. I’m not a ninny.”
He wasn’t going to make this easy for her. She’d have to say it. All of it.
“There was a fiancé. My fiancé, for a short time. Before I went to Spain.”
Shock registered on his face. He grasped her hands. “Did he force you? Did he hurt you? Where was your father?” He clenched his jaw. “Where was your brother?”
“There was no force. There were extenuating circumstances.” Her heart sank when she saw how he looked at her, and he didn’t even know the worst of it. And he wouldn’t. The part she’d played in orchestrating her own ruination would remain her secret.
She pulled her hands away from his. “I suppose it changes everything. I’m sullied.”
He pressed his lips to her palm. “I’m not a virgin, either, and just so you understand, I don’t consider either of us to be sullied. Kitten, look at me.” He stroked her chin as she looked up into his eyes. “I wanted to be your first, but there were reasons we couldn’t. Those reasons haven’t gone away. I’m relieved you weren’t coerced or hurt, but he used you badly, I’m afraid.”
She pressed a finger to his lips. “That’s not what happened.’
He pressed a kiss to her finger. “You were grieving. It was hardly fair to you.”
She ran her hand over his cheek and down the side of his neck. When she reached his collarbone, he stayed her hand with his.
He looked away from her. “Nor would this be fair. You’re still grieving. And there are other considerations.”
Emme took his hand in hers. “Daniel, what is it? Are you still grieving? You lost both your parents in such a short time. And then...then you had to leave.”
He ran his hand through his hair again and let up a long breath before meeting her gaze. “After what I’ve gone through with my uncle, I won’t burden a child of mine with being a bastard.”
“But those were just ugly rumors started by your uncle, and you’ve prevailed. Your title has been reinstated.”
“Not yet. There will be discussions and conditions.” He stared down at their joined hands. “And even though my uncle prevailed, it doesn’t make the rumor untrue.”
Emme gasped. They sat in silence for a moment as she tried to make sense of what he’d just said. When she could finally speak, she
didn’t have any wise words to say. “I’m sorry. It’s quite a shock.”
“To me, too. My mother told me when she was dying. She and the marquess had tried to have a child for years. And then one of my father’s—the marquess’s—old Army mates got a young lady in trouble. They all thought it was the perfect solution. No one counted on me looking so much like my real father, or on my uncle’s suspicions about his brother and sister-in-law finally conceiving after more than a decade of marriage.”
Emme wanted to say something. She needed to close the chasm that his heart-wrenching story was opening between them, but no words came to her. She squeezed his hand.
“I’d met him, my real father, over the years. He was exciting, fascinating. An adventurer who rarely returned home. Perhaps having his blood in my veins has made it easier for me to stay away from England so long.”
Now he squeezed her hand. “And a part of me will always be sad for losing the illusion of my childhood, of being the marquess’s and marchioness’s blood son. But they loved me, as does my real father. For them, I’ll go home and pretend to be the true heir and live the life they all wanted for me. So yes, I’m sad, sometimes melancholy. But no longer grieving.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry for all of it. For what you had to learn. For the way society and my own family treated you. For not being there for you as you grieved for your parents and your past.”
How would she feel to learn she wasn’t her parents’ daughter, to be disconnected from the identity she’d had her entire life, to have it snatched out from under her in an instant? She couldn’t imagine how deeply it must have cut. She wrapped her arms tightly around Daniel, trying desperately to provide solace to him now.
He stroked her hair. “But you, kitten, you are still grieving. You’re still wearing mourning colors.” He held her shoulders and gently pulled her away from him. “And as much as I want this, as much as I believe you want it, too, we can’t do this. Not this way. I won’t risk your feelings.”
She pulled out of his arms. “I’m an adult. My feelings are my own concern.”
He closed his eyes for a fleeting second and shook his head. “You must at least concede a pregnancy would be both our concerns.”
“There are precautions. Surely, you’re aware of them. You said yourself you’re not a virgin.”
“That would have required planning. And what has happened over the past twelve hours is nothing I’d planned. I’m sorry, Emme.”
The shock of his refusal hit her like the sea waves had hours earlier. Once again, he was rejecting her. It came so easily to him.
“I should go back to my cabin.” She lurched toward the side of the bed.
He grasped her shoulders. “No. You need rest. Lie back down.”
She twisted, but couldn’t break free from him. “Please, don’t make me stay here with you.”
“Emme, it’s not—”
“Please.” She choked out the word. “It’s humiliating.”
“Don’t.” He dropped his hands. “Please, just lie back down and rest. I’ll go, if that’s what you want, but the medic said you must rest.”
She didn’t want him to see her this way, but she didn’t want him to go, either. She sat with her back to him, staring at the wall beside the bed, unsure of what to say or do, only knowing that if she’d still had the ability to cry, the tears would be streaming down her face by now. At least she was spared that embarrassment.
“Go,” she finally said.
The mattress shifted as he rose from the bed. “Please, lie down.”
With her face still turned away from him, she obeyed. She curled onto her side and he laid the blankets over her.
“I’ll make sure the medic checks on you regularly.”
“Don’t...”
Don’t go, she wanted to scream. Don’t leave me. Don’t reject me. But she couldn’t ask that of him, that much was clear.
And he was right. She had just temporarily lost her senses. It had to be the shock of the events of the day, of the events of this entire interminable journey that had almost sent her down the same destructive path she’d already traveled. She was past those bad choices now and well on her way to redemption.
“Don’t what, kitten?”
She swallowed the lump in her throat that made it almost too tight to speak. “Don’t make a fuss.”
“Just rest,” he said, and then the cabin door swished open and clicked shut again behind him.
Alone with nothing but the sound of the waves lapping against the ship, Emme longed to cry, to release her angst and take the edge off her anger. But the tears refused to come, as they had since the day of Eleanor’s death.
* * *
Daniel paced along the edge of his stateroom, then stopped to lift the shade from the porthole for at least the fourth time to check the status of the sunrise. This time, the clouds on the horizon were pink and the lower half of the sky was gray. Daybreak was finally underway. Soon Emme and he would look at each other in the bright light of day. Outwardly, they would look the same, but in truth, everything had changed last night.
He’d told her his deepest secret, the truth he’d only ever shared with Granville and Swimmer, and then only because he’d been drunk and desperate to unburden his soul. When he’d accosted her in the dark passageway just over a week ago, he’d believed her unworthy of ever earning his trust again. But this was Emmeline. Emme. His Emme, back in his arms and his life, and just as he’d felt five years ago, he trusted her with his truth and, much to his own shock, his heart.
And she’d trusted him with her secret, as well. Her virginity was no longer an issue, but her innocence—and she might not realize it, but she was still innocent—was. He still meant to have her. But not in the way she’d offered herself to him, the way he’d wanted to take her. This time, they would do things properly. The moment she woke from her much-needed slumber, they would agree upon his new plan.
“No doubt she’s of the same mind,” he told himself. She’d always had a way of making him desperate with wanting her, and desperation had almost led to carelessness. Again.
“Daniel? What time is it?”
Just the sound of her voice, still thick with sleep, made him want to climb into bed with her this minute. They were just days from England, and then they could formalize everything. It would still take months. Too long to be reasonable, but soon enough that he could wait. And soon enough that if she asked him to make love to her again, he’d only find the strength to refuse her through knowing he’d remedy the wrong in due time.
He adjusted his frock coat to ensure she couldn’t identify the evidence of her effect on him, and turned to face her with a smile. She’d already sat up and propped herself against the pillows.
“Good morning.” He sat on the edge of the bed and leaned over to kiss her chastely on the cheek. “How do you feel this morning?”
“Better.”
In truth, she didn’t look better. Her eyes, so bleary from salt water yesterday, were now bloodshot and swollen.
She shifted under his scrutiny and pulled the blanket up to her chin. “I didn’t expect to see you today.”
“Emme, we need to talk.”
She wriggled a few inches farther away from him. “No, there’s really no need. We said all that needed to be said last night.”
He stood and stepped closer to the window, giving her the courtesy of modesty and distance she seemed to need this morning. “Not yet. We need to discuss what nearly happened last night.”
“But nothing happened.” Her shoulders dropped, just an inch, but it was progress. “It was rash to suggest. I apologize. I don’t want you to think I went into...that I did what I did with my former fiancé in such a rash way. We were eloping, and on our way to Scotland, we had to stop for the night. He suspected my family was on our heels, and it was the only way to...well.”
Her words were like a knife in his heart. The thought of her with a scheming man who’d taken advantage of he
r grief was enough to drive him utterly mad. Given the chance, he would throttle Meriden for allowing such a thing to happen. A small voice in his head mocked him for his own hypocrisy. Hadn’t he thought to ruin her himself? But for now, there was nothing he could do about it.
“Extenuating circumstances, as we discussed. But that’s in the past. We need to discuss—”
“He wasn’t a suitable match in my father’s eyes,” she continued. “He had no title, but a bit of wealth, so he had entrée into some of the finest events. The first time I saw him from behind, with his thick, dark hair, I thought he was you.”
She’d been engaged to a man she’d originally thought was him. With money but no title. No doubt her father had thought the man as worthless as he’d deemed Daniel.
Emme continued. “When he turned to face me, of course I knew he wasn’t you, but he was handsome enough, and a talented dancer, and he took a shine to me.”
“That was big of him.”
“Of course, if you’d still been in England, I wouldn’t have given him a second look.”
Daniel’s heart did a little trill in his chest. They were of the same mind, as he had presumed.
“Anyway, I didn’t regard his lack of pedigree as a problem. We just had to convince my father, which is where our, er, indiscretion came into play.”
Seducing a woman to force a marriage. It was shamefully close to the designs he’d had on her at first. He clenched his fists in anger at Sanderson, but mostly at himself.
He willed his hands to relax. “Was he careful?” he asked quietly.
“Yes, as I told you, he didn’t hurt me and – oh. Oh, I see.” She stared at the distant wall. “Fortunately, it turned out he hadn’t left me with child when he ran off and married an obscenely wealthy heiress.”
But the lack of a pregnancy had been sheer luck. The reprobate hadn’t even taken care to protect her. Daniel wanted to hunt down the man and pull him limb from limb, but he calmed himself enough to take her hand gently. “I’m sorry about last night. I might have given you the impression I didn’t want you. Nothing could be further from the truth. I still want you. Desperately.”
One Kiss From Ruin: Harrow’s Finest Five Book 1 Page 6