‘I can be a prince,’ Adam said. I felt like my guitar was a barrier between us and I was glad of it. ‘If you’d let me. Why don’t we spend some time together alone, and I’ll prove it to you.’ He reached out to stroke my bare arm. ‘We’re having fun today, aren’t we?’
‘Definitely,’ I said. ‘But I won’t be here long, I’m not looking for anything…’
He shrugged. ‘Works for me. I like you, Anna. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.’
Again, Cameron flashed in my mind. It should have been that simple, I knew. It had always been that simple for me. Why was it not simple now?
‘Come on, I need to take this outside,’ I said.
‘Let me carry it,’ he said, taking it from me. ‘See, I can be princely, right?’
I chuckled. He was funny. ‘It’s a good first step.’ I led the way back downstairs, Adam close behind me, and he took my hand in his as we walked down the stairs. I didn’t have the heart to pull it away but when I reached the bottom, I stopped short, and Adam walked into me. Cameron had just come in through the front door and was looking up at us, and our entwined hands.
‘Anna is planning a singalong,’ Adam told him, not bothered in the slightest. It felt to me as if the room had grown smaller though. ‘Come and join us.’ He nudged my back so I carried on walking, aware Cameron was watching me closely, and my cheeks had turned pink. I didn’t know why. I hadn’t done anything wrong.
‘Beth asked me to find you. She wants to make a speech,’ Cameron said, finally, clearing his throat. He looked away from us. ‘So, uh, yeah.’ He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked back out the door.
Adam shook his head. ‘Cameron is being even weirder than usual, I swear,’ he said as we followed him outside.
‘He’s always weird then?’ I asked, curiously.
‘Not weird. Just quiet. He’s had a lot to deal with, I know, but I keep telling him that he shouldn’t hide out in those woods on Hilltop all alone. He’ll end up turning into a caveman.’ He chuckled but I saw genuine concern for his friend flash in his eyes. ‘I’ll get us some more drinks. Meet you over there,’ he said, nodding to the group of people sitting on the lawn. I longed to ask him what Cameron had had to deal with but Adam took off. It was now mostly just family and friends left in the garden. Beth was standing up, ready to speak, so I hurried over with my guitar, joining Emily and Brodie again, watching as Cameron went to sit with Rory and not where we had been before. I thought about what Adam said. Cameron hadn’t always been like this, it was clear, just as I hadn’t always been the way I was. Did that explain the strange connection I felt with him? What had happened to Cameron to make him close himself off from the world, even from his school friends like Adam?
And why did I want to know so badly?
‘I hope you’ve all had a lovely day,’ Beth was saying. ‘I love having this annual tradition so we can all get together and enjoy a summer’s day out, and raise lots of money for the village too. Thanks everyone who has worked so hard to make it a really great day. Feel free to stay as late as you like, there is still plenty of food and drink left and I think there will be an incredible sunset to enjoy later too!’ Beth gestured to the sky which was still bright. Everyone clapped and cheered as she raised her glass of punch.
‘And Anna is going to provide some entertainment,’ Adam declared loudly as he joined me with two drinks.
‘I’m so excited,’ Emily said as she placed her sleeping daughter in her pushchair. As there were only about thirty people left, everyone gathered closer and I took a long gulp of the drink Adam gave me for some Dutch courage.
Sitting cross-legged on the grass, I held the guitar on my lap, and called out for requests, warning everyone I was still learning and didn’t know that many songs yet. Brodie beside me asked for another Beatles song we used to sing with Dad when we were younger, and one he knew that I knew how to play. I gave him a grateful smile and started playing. I sang along, hoping everyone would join in. Pretty much everyone knew the words to all The Beatles songs, didn’t they? You just grew up with them.
It took a minute for people to join in but I didn’t mind. I had an okay voice and one that suited an acoustic guitar, a little bit folksy I suppose I would describe it as – slightly husky, like my speaking voice. Soon Brodie joined in and then Rory, who surprised me with his strong, deep voice. Heather too sang beautifully. They had been keeping their talents quiet, I thought. I smiled as the chorus soared with Scottish lilts and I felt myself get lost in the music again. I loved how I felt so present in this moment. I wasn’t thinking or worrying about anything but keeping up with the chords.
I looked around me as we did another round of the chorus. Everyone was enjoying themselves, I was pleased to see. I couldn’t help but search out Cameron. He wasn’t singing along but was watching me with one of his intense looks. When our eyes met, he smiled, and it felt like we were back around the fire at Hilltop, the same electricity crackled across the space between us and I wondered if his mind was also replaying how it felt to be in his bed together.
‘You’re so talented, Anna. What with this and your cooking,’ Emily said when everyone was clapping after the song had ended. ‘I think maybe your sister got all the good genes,’ she joked with her husband.
‘Way to bruise my ego, Em,’ he replied, looking wounded.
She leaned over to kiss him and I heard her say in a low voice, ‘But you have many other talents, don’t worry.’
‘I love you,’ he said back, and I felt the same dip in my stomach. I looked across at Cameron, who also seemed to be watching them. I longed to know what he was thinking.
‘Do you know “Your Song?”’ Lorna asked me then. ‘That’s such a great singalong song.’
‘One of my all-time favourites,’ I replied, glad that was one I had learned too. I started playing, and everyone quietened down again, joining in faster this time. When I looked at Cameron again, he was singing along softly, and my lips curved into a smile to see that.
* * *
I walked down the stairs humming to myself. It was late now. The sun had set and the garden was lit up with lanterns and solar lights that were hidden in flower pots. Most people had gone now, just leaving the Glendale Hall family, Heather and Rory, my brother and Emily, and Adam and his friends. Plus the ladies who worked at the shops in the village. And it was a merry party – we’d all had too much punch. I slipped inside to put my guitar away and grab a hoodie as there was a chill in the air now the sun had gone. I had loved the singalong and was glad Brodie and Emily had persuaded me to do it. It had really been a lovely day. Beth and Sally were making hot chocolates and bringing out cookies for everyone before we all called it a night and the kitchen smelled delicious as I walked through.
‘I didn’t know you could sing and play like that,’ a quiet voice said as I went back out into the garden. Cameron was sitting alone on one of the stone steps just by the house, holding his phone. ‘Just checking Angus was okay,’ he said, gesturing to it. We were away from the others and I felt the same flutter of nerves being alone with him as I always seemed to.
I sat down next to him, listening to Beth and Sally laughing as they made drinks through the open kitchen door. ‘I haven’t for a long time. I used to love it growing up and then I learned to play a couple of years ago – my dad just gave me his guitar so I’m learning again. I think I forgot that it brings me joy, and that I should hold on to things that bring me joy.’
Cameron looked across at me. ‘I think I forget that too sometimes.’
‘After my accident, everything changed. I was only thirteen and yet I had faced death. I kept thinking “why was I saved?”, and I thought I had to live this huge life for it to make sense, do you know what I mean?’ I was vaguely aware that I was close to drunken rambling but I wanted him to understand me. Maybe so then I could understand him. ‘I try to travel, to do everything I want, to try new things, to be fearless, to keep moving, never settling. Some days I think I’m
living life to the full, other times I feel like all I’m doing is running away.’
Cameron was silent for a moment, still watching me. I had never met anyone who looked at me like he did. I wasn’t sure if I liked it. I felt uncomfortable, like he was pulling back layers from me that I would much rather keep covered. ‘You should never feel guilty that you survived, Anna. You are more special than you realise. Just being you is enough.’ He reached out to push back a strand of my hair and then quickly put his hand down again as if he realised he shouldn’t be touching me. I wanted to tell him to touch me more but then he spoke again. ‘I feel like I’m the opposite of you. I hide, I don’t run. I stay safely at Hilltop in my cabin and I don’t let the world come near me.’
‘You let me near,’ I half-whispered, staring back at him. We were just inches apart and everyone in the garden felt very far away.
Cameron shook his head. ‘That was a mistake. Something that I haven’t let happen since…’ He trailed off. ‘Why can’t I stay away from you?’ he whispered.
‘I don’t understand why you think you need to.’ I leaned in, unable to help myself, and Cameron moved too, our lips touching gently, so softly that I might have imagined it if not for how it sent a shiver down my spine.
Cameron pulled back and looked at me again. ‘Anna, I…’
‘What is it?’ I asked, wishing he would pull me to him again.
‘I can’t.’ He stood up so abruptly my mouth fell open. He turned and walked towards the driveway, walking away from me furiously, shaking his head.
I wasn’t going to let him just leave like that. I jumped up and tore after him. ‘Cameron, you can’t just walk away!’ I caught up with him before he reached his truck and grabbed his arm. ‘What is so wrong with kissing me?’
He looked at me, his face full of anguish. ‘Because I’m not good for you. I’m not good for anyone!’ He shook my hand off his arm. ‘We need to stay away from each other.’
I stared at him. I felt this need to stay away from people too but why didn’t I feel it with him? It was so confusing. ‘Cameron, I’m so scared. Of the past, the future, of saying my fears out loud but I don’t know, when I’m with you, I feel like maybe I don’t need to be as scared anymore.’ I let it out in a rush. It was the most honest I’d been with anyone since my accident.
Cameron shook his head. ‘You shouldn’t feel like that with me. I can’t let there be anything between us.’ He opened his car door and made to climb in.
‘Don’t I deserve to know why?’ I cried, angrily. ‘I just opened up to you and you’re not telling me anything. You know what? This is why I keep away from people. You’re right, I’m better off on my own.’ I was furious that I’d let my guard down for a moment. I turned to go.
Cameron took my arm this time, making me face him again. ‘I’m sorry, Anna. I meant what I said before. This is not about you. You’re… amazing.’
His touch burned my skin. ‘Do you even hear how confusing you are?’ I said, shaking him off me, fury raging through my veins. This man was making me feel things I’d never felt before, and I was not a fan. My earlier envy of Brodie and Emily felt foolish.
‘I lost someone, Anna,’ he said, quietly. ‘Someone I loved. When I was at university. She… she died.’ He looked away from me. ‘And it was all my fault. So, I can’t be with you. I can’t be with anyone. I don’t deserve it. It was all my fault. And I can never forget that. Do you understand now?’
His words punctured me. They sounded so much like how I felt, I suddenly couldn’t breathe.
Cameron looked at me then, as if willing me to say something, but I couldn’t. It would mean telling him what I had done. And I’d never said those words to anyone. My head swam. I stepped backwards.
I saw his face crumble in front of my eyes. He nodded once and then climbed into his car, slamming the door. I watched as he hung his head and gripped the steering wheel for a moment. I opened my mouth to say his name but no words would come out. Instead, I watched as he started up his engine and drove away, not once looking back at me.
Standing alone in the driveway, what he said echoed around me as if it was on a loop, branding itself on my brain.
She died.
It was all my fault.
I thought about what I should have said but couldn’t.
He died.
And it was all my fault.
Chapter Twenty-Five
A grey cloudy sky greeted me as I went on my morning run, which fitted my mood after the events of last night. I wasn’t sure how long I had stood there after Cameron drove away but, finally, I started shivering. So I’d pulled the sleeves of my hoodie down and gone back into the garden, where I’d made my apologies, pleading tiredness, and left without any hot chocolate. Adam had tried to get my attention but I had pretended not to see, which I felt bad about this morning, but I had been desperate to be alone in my room.
Cameron’s words hadn’t stop repeating in my mind since he had left me.
Surely he couldn’t have actually been responsible for his girlfriend’s death? And yet he had looked so anguished when he had told me. He seemed to believe it, whatever the truth was. Maybe that explained our connection. Because I too was haunted by a death. One that I believed was my fault.
In my mind I replayed the accident that had injured me when I was thirteen.
Dad and I had been driving back from the supermarket. It was winter and it was dark, although not late, and the road was wet from an earlier rainfall. I was telling him about a party that a girl from school was having at a local nightclub, one that I really wanted to go to. ‘It’s not fair,’ I said. ‘It’s a special under-eighteens’ night.’
‘You’re thirteen, Anna. You’re too young to go to a nightclub.’
‘You played a gig at one last night.’
‘You came with me, an adult. This would be with just your friends. You know your mum won’t want you to go.’
‘Everyone thinks I’m so sad at school. The fact I go to church every Sunday, and gigs with you on a Friday night. I never go to parties or sleepovers. But Brodie gets to do whatever he likes,’ I complained loudly.
He sighed. This was an all-too-familiar argument. ‘You know that your brother isn’t supposed to stay out past ten p.m.’
‘Well, he does and it’s not fair.’
‘I’ll be speaking to him about that, don’t you worry. Anna…’ Dad turned to me. ‘Be reasonable, love.’
‘I’ll be the only one not there.’ I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I looked at him, pleading with him to understand. I slipped out of my seatbelt to swivel in my seat and look at my dad with pleading eyes.
‘Anna, your seatbelt,’ Dad said, reaching across to grab it.
‘What about if I just went for one hour,’ I said as he spoke. ‘And— DAD!’ I screamed the last part as two headlights were suddenly in front of us. All I remember then is my dad gasping and grabbing the steering wheel, a loud crunching sound, and then I was flying through the air and everything went dark.
I stopped running, bending over breathlessly. I squeezed my eyes shut to try to block it out but I couldn’t. After Cameron said what he had said, it had been running over and over in my mind like a film on repeat.
A car had slid across the road and hit us head-on but I knew when I woke up that if my dad hadn’t been looking at me and reaching for my seatbelt, he would have been able to swerve and miss it. Instead, I flew through the windscreen and ended up in a coma. My dad thankfully only suffered bruising from his airbag. But the other driver had died at the scene.
Everyone had called it an accident. But I knew that if I hadn’t been arguing then Dad could have stopped it. It was my fault. And I had to live with that for the rest of my life.
And now I’d met someone carrying the exact same guilt as me.
I looked up at the road ahead. If I turned right, I would find myself back at the Hall. But I hesitated. I’d run for a long time but I still didn’t feel ready to go back i
n and pretend I was fine, when I very much wasn’t. It was Sunday so I didn’t have to work. I turned left and looked ahead towards the village. There was one person who might help me to make sense of everything. The only person who would know what to do.
But it would mean speaking about something I’d kept inside for twelve years. I’d kept my guilt from my family for so long but I knew I couldn’t move on until I spoke about it. And Brodie was a minister. He had to listen. It was his job. He had to tell me what God thought. What I should do. He couldn’t turn me away.
Could he?
A bird flew overhead, making a high-pitched noise, snapping me out of my indecision. I decided to take it as a sign and I set off towards the vicarage, my body shaking with nerves.
Emily opened the door after I knocked, still in her pyjamas. ‘Oh, sorry to come so early,’ I said, faltering, having not really thought about the time.
But she smiled and gestured me inside. ‘Not at all. We’re just having breakfast. Would you like a coffee?’
‘Okay,’ I said, following her through into the kitchen. Iona was in her highchair and Brodie was eating toast and reading the newspaper. It reminded me so much of breakfast growing up that I paused in the doorway, overtaken by the memories.
‘This is a nice surprise,’ Brodie said, looking up to see me. ‘Joining us for food?’
‘Actually, I was wondering if you have a sec, please? To, uh, talk,’ I said as Emily sat down at the table to pour me a coffee.
Brodie’s eyebrow raised and he quickly glanced at his wife. ‘Of course. Let’s go into the living room.’ As he stood up, I realised he was wearing his dog collar in preparation for the Sunday service but, for once, I was pleased. It lent an official atmosphere to our chat, making it easier to talk to my brother about something this important. I followed him into the living room with the coffee Emily had given me, Brodie carrying his tea mug. We sat on opposite sofas and he looked at me expectantly.
I was suddenly unsure where even to begin. ‘I didn’t think about what time it was, I was out for a run and…’ I trailed off.
Always and Forever at Glendale Hall Page 15